San Antonio, Texas

October, 2023

[warning: death]

I leaned against the white oak fence of Dallas's paddock, using my uninjured arm as support in between sips of coffee, while I watched my horse restlessly canter up and down the fence line, neighing constantly. I don't think I've ever seen him look so uneasy. During my time away, my family sold the other two horses that used to live with him, since none of them had time to give them the attention they deserved; which means that my beloved horse is now completely alone.

The sight of the layer of sweat that was starting to form on his chest caused my stomach to churn.

"Dal, you're okay," I said weakly. Even with my third cup of coffee of the day in my hand, I still didn't feel energetic enough to speak louder. I haven't slept at all in the past four days, you see.

My words had no effect and I let out a frustrated sigh. I might have to get another horse to keep him company… I might have to get a job… I miss my job with the horses. I miss Tequila, Cinderella, Chilaquil–

No. Shut up, stupid brain. It's better this way.

In any case, I wouldn't be able to do anything right now, considering my broken arm. Yeah, that's right. As it turns out, I sustained a fracture that required a cast and painkillers. It made me realise that I've been underrating modern medicine. It's unlikely that I would've recovered properly with only Gaius's ointment.

The image of his cosy apartment flashed through my mind and I dropped my head onto the fence, a tad too harshly, in an attempt to knock the memories out of my brain. I have to move on and forget about everything.

"Hey, Star." I jumped at the unexpected sound of Sage's voice and turned around to find her walking towards me. "Oliver's here to take us to the hospital. You comin'?"

I bit down on my bottom lip and turned back to look at Dallas, finding that he had calmed down slightly and was now grazing. "Sure," I breathed out and followed my cousin to the car.

The ride to the hospital was mostly silent, other than the radio playing the latest country hits (which I'm obviously unfamiliar with), so I busied myself with looking out the window as we left the countryside and entered the city.

Everything looks so artificial to me. Like it's made of cardboard or plastic. The metallic, cubic, monotonous buildings hold no charm – on the contrary, they are cold and lifeless. The people in the streets walk straight ahead, almost always sporting wireless earbuds that disconnect them from the environment. They dress in plain suits or similar colourless attires that make them all look the same. Their faces are serious, stoic. No one exchanges glances or smiles. Each person is locked inside their own little virtual bubble, immune to those around.

I can't remember a time when I've walked down the streets of the lower town in Camelot without being greeted by charming vendors, with their cheery smiles and eagerness to show off their latest acquisitions. Their stands are always full of colours, delicious smells, unique hand-crafted artefacts…

My heart clenched and a lump formed in my throat.

A headache began to settle in as I stepped out of the car. I thanked Oliver for opening the door for me and walked behind him and Sage as we walked towards the building. Once there, I separated from them and decided to take the stairs, rather than the lift. I don't want the headache to get worse from the movement of the small metal container, and I only have to climb two storeys.

Just like we've done the past four days, my cousins, my Aunt, my Uncle and I sat around the room and shared stories. Or, rather, they did. I remained mostly silent, my mind partly locked away in another time and place. I know it's rude, considering Gustab's situation; but I couldn't stop my brain from jumping back to Camelot, and pondering what it would mean to either stay here or return there.

Do I really want to live the rest of my life wondering every single day if my loved ones and I are going to return home alive from facing the monster of the week? It seems emotionally exhausting and bound to end terribly. I don't think I would survive watching Merlin or Arthur die.

The twenty-first century, though cold and colourless, seems safer. The future is, for the most part, certain. I can go to college and study something related to horses, then I will happily work with them for fifty-or-so years, and… die eventually.

My eyes travelled towards my sickly Uncle as he chatted animatedly with Oliver, his smile never fading even if it was clear that he was tired and maybe a bit pained. Then I looked towards my Aunt. She also smiled, despite the tears in her eyes. The couple seemed at peace, somehow. They lived a full life together. Gustab isn't being ripped away from her in an instant, unexpectedly. While inevitable, his departure is paced. Kelly and his children have time to enjoy his company for a bit longer, and to make the most of it. At seventy-two years old, heart disease isn't an outrageous way for him to go. It's certainly better than how Balinor left…

I was snapped out of my thoughts when my Aunt and cousins stood up suddenly. I frowned as my eyes jumped from person to person for a few seconds, trying to figure out what was happening.

"You okay?" Oliver asked me, looking slightly amused.

"Yeah, I spaced out," I replied. "What's happening?"

"We're gonna get somethin' to eat. Hospital food sucks," he responded.

"Ah, yeah," I mumbled as I stood up and went to follow them; but my Uncle's voice stopped me.

"Actually, kid, could you stay a few minutes? I would like to speak to ya'."

I nodded slowly, slightly fearing that he would yell at me for escaping to the past some months ago, and I told Oliver that I would catch up with them in a bit. He promised to send me their location as soon as they picked a restaurant before running after Sage and Kelly.

I sat down on the recliner chair next to the bed and allowed my Uncle to grab my hand when he reached for it. He gave me a small grin and as he rubbed circles on the back of it, his aged and calloused skin feeling rough against my youthful one.

"I'm sorry we were always so busy. I wish I could've spent more time with ya'," he said softly.

"Gus, please, you did your best," I responded instantly. "If anything, I'm sorry that y'all were saddled with my burden."

His eyes widened in apparent mortification. "You were never a burden, kid!" he assured me. I raised an incredulous eyebrow. "I'm not gonna lie to ya' and tell you you were an easy child – ya' weren't, ya' still aren't. But Oliver and Sage are difficult, too. All children are. I'm only sorry we couldn't make things better for you. We know how you struggled and we never knew how to help."

I shifted awkwardly under the heaviness of his words and I responded in a low tone, "You did your best, and I'm eternally grateful."

"It's good that ya' think so," he stated.

"Besides," I added, chuckling a little at the memory that flashed through my mind, "I wasn't exactly receptive to help. Remember Dr. Philipps?"

When I was thirteen, the school principal had suggested that I see a therapist after my grades had dropped significantly. Dr. Philipps had been the unlucky woman hired by my Uncle, and I had a field day making her miserable by responding only in riddles, sarcastic remarks, or movie quotes. Then I got bored with that and convinced her that I had been recruited by a drug cartel and had accidentally developed an addiction to marijuana. Obviously, none of that was true, and I purposely started to make my stories gradually more ridiculous to see how long it would take her to realise the truth. She quit as soon as she did.

My Uncle and I bursted out laughing together, but he soon forced himself to stop by faking a cough. "That wasn't funny, Star," he said as he playfully narrowed his eyes at me.

"Oh, but it was," I replied, still cackling.

Eventually, seriousness befell the atmosphere once more and my Uncle looked at me with a piercing stare.

"Listen to me, Astraea," he said sternly. "While I hate the circumstances that led Kelly n' I to take you in, I've never regretted it. Raisin' you as my own was a privilege, and I'm very proud of ya'… You drove me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. And I know that the people you've been livin' with are very fortunate to have ya'."

Tears started to stream from my eyes like a broken dam and sobs shook my body. If only I could tell him what happened in Camelot… I'm sure he could give me some sound advice…

"Thank you, Gus. Thank you for everything," I said as I leaped to hug him, being careful not to squeeze him too hard.

I met up with the rest of the family at a sushi restaurant nearby and we had a quick and delicious meal that made me realise how much I've missed the large variety of food we have in modern-day America. Camelot rotates the same five dishes every day.

Afterwards, we returned to the hospital and spent the rest of the afternoon with my Uncle. I was much more engaged in the moment this time around, my decision to stay starting to look a bit better now that I've noticed more reasons why it's a good idea.

I'm sure that Kelly will appreciate the company once Gustab is gone. I can kinda cook now, so I can pull my weight in the house by doing that. I know that my cousins will stick around to take care of her for a bit, but Sage has to return to California with her husband eventually, and Oliver has to get back on track with his band, since they had to cancel a whole month's worth of shows. I can take care of my Aunt, and get to see my cousins from time to time. It's a perfect scheme!

When visiting hours were over, my cousins and I said goodbye and got ready to return to the farm.

A content feeling settled within me when I glanced back at my Aunt and Uncle as we left the room. They were smiling and holding hands while they continued to talk about life as if a dark cloud wasn't looming over them.

I want an ending like that. Safe, paced, timely. I don't want to hold a still-youthful Arthur as he bleeds to death from getting a sword – or a dragon's claws! – to the chest, unable to form words as life quickly drains out of him.

The mental image caused me to shudder and I shook my head to get rid of that thought as I kept walking.

I jolted awake with a gasp when the door to my bedroom was swung open.

"Astra, we gotta go, Dad's gettin' worse!" a panicked Sage exclaimed.

Dread struck at my chest and I scrambled to untangle myself from my blankets before throwing on a hoodie and a pair of runners. Then I raced out of my room and down the stairs, and towards Oliver's car.

Considering that it's 4:00, we did not encounter any traffic and were able to get to the hospital fairly quickly. I powered through my headache and joined my cousins in the lift this time. We stumbled through the hospital corridors, dodging patients and nurses as we sprinted towards room 208.

Aunt Kelly stood just outside, a hand covering her mouth as she cried silently.

A bunch of doctors were inside the room, passing things around and barking orders at each other.

The erratic beeping of the heart monitor informed us that Gustab is still fighting for his life. Maybe he can push past this and stay with us another week? Month? Make a miraculous recovery and live another ten years?! He can't leave! He can't leave his wife and his family!

My cousins hugged their mother while I stood to the side, tears clouding my sight as my heart raced erratically and my lungs cowered under the weight of grief.

"Time of death: 4:18," a doctor stated as the monitor stopped beeping and emitted a flat sound.

It's over.

Another doctor whispered a gentle, "I'm so sorry," as she walked past my Aunt on her way out of the room. All the people in scrubs filed out, giving us some time with what remained of Gustab. To process all this crap, I guess.

I was wrong. Knowing that it was coming doesn't minimise the shock and the pain.

My Aunt and cousins went inside the room, still hugging each other tightly as they cried, their loud sobs echoing through the hallways. I decided to give them space. In the end, I'm not part of their nuclear family, and they need time to grieve together and without intrusions.

I slid down the wall outside the room and pulled my knees to my chest, crying in silence and wishing I had someone to hold me as well. Someone like Arthur. But that can't be. Not anymore. I don't want to feel this pain ever again.

Almost twenty-four hours later, I once again tossed and turned in bed, unable to fall asleep as my mind spun with a thousand simultaneous tornados of uncertainty. Eventually, I decided to go downstairs and maybe get some sort of tea that could aid me in my fruitless quest for dreamland.

I froze when I stumbled into the kitchen to find my Aunt sitting at the table, her head in her hands. She was not crying anymore, judging by her stillness. I doubt she has any water left in her to produce tears. I would know, considering how much I've cried over the past week or so.

Nevertheless, I approached her and placed a hopefully comforting hand on her back.

Her head shot up and she turned around. "Oh, Star, did I wake you?" she asked.

"Nah, I couldn't sleep," I responded, giving my best attempt at a pressed grin; which she returned. "I was gonna make some tea. D'ya want some?" She nodded, so I went to warm up a kettle.

"You can just use the microwave, y'know?" she pointed out.

I snorted as I gazed towards the aforementioned appliance and then I gave my Aunt a sheepish look. "I kinda forgot those exist," I noted; which made her let out a genuine laugh that made me feel just a little bit better.

I filled two cups once the water was warm and I placed a bag of chamomile for her and one of peppermint for me. Then I sat down opposite her, leaning back and letting out a shaky sigh.

Silence fell over us and I took small sips from my tea while picking at the cast on my arm – something I definitely shouldn't be doing, considering that I've already peeled off some bits of it, but I have nothing better to fiddle with.

"You always think you have enough time, y'know?" Kelly said suddenly, causing my eyes to snap up to her. "And then, at the last moment, ya' realise ya' don't."

I nodded in understanding and didn't say anything so that she could keep talking. I know that she likely needs to get a lot off her chest; things that she maybe can't speak to Sage or Oliver about because they're going through their own grieving process. I mean, I am, too; but I know from experience that their pain has to be a thousand times worse than mine. Uncle Gustab wasn't my father, after all.

"We take things for granted n' forget to treasure the blessings we have in life, then we try to make up for that when it's already too late," Kelly continued.

I grimaced at that. I never want to take anyone for granted. I never want anyone to feel like I take them for granted. I want my loved ones to feel valued every second of their lives. I went so long without any friends, that I need to truly treasure the ones I have.

And yet, I avoided and pushed away the people I care about, then I disappeared without a trace…

I'm running away from the fear of losing them; in contrast to Kelly, who faced her husband's disease head on, remaining by his side and savouring every moment until he breathed his last.

"Does it almost make you wish you could erase him from your memories and never have to feel the pain of losing him?" I blurted out without thinking.

"Oh, heaven's no!" I started at her passionate response. "Pain is inevitable, it's part of life. It only means that the love ya' feel is great and true… Which means ya' gotta make sure you pour that love onto the right people. Ya' gotta make sure that the pain is worth it… Right now, knowin' that your Uncle felt loved n' valued until his last breath makes my pain bearable, if only a little… It's not about us, Star. It's about them."

Her words poured over me like freezing water and my body began to tremble with sobs before I could try to manage my reaction and I buried my face in my arms atop the table. I've been incredibly selfish! I've only been thinking about the pain I feel – or, rather, the pain I fear I might feel in the future! I hurt Arthur by pushing him away! And… Oh, crap! I probably also hurt Merlin by leaving him to mourn his father alone!

Kelly was beside me in a flash, hugging me tightly.

What the fork am I doing crying like a baby when she's the one who just lost her husband!?

"I'm sorry," I said as I pulled away a few moments later and I hurried to wipe the tears from my face. "You have this huge thing on your plate, I should be the one comforting you."

"Nonsense, dear. You're allowed to be comforted, too," she assured me with a small smile while squeezing my shoulder. "Now – tell me what's troublin' ya'."

I let out a shaky breath and leaned against the back of my chair again while wiping at my cheeks, "I screwed up. Big time."

"Did somethin' happen in… y'know… the past?" she questioned slowly.

"Yeah… a lotta crap's been goin' on, but I've been looking at it all wrong," I responded and started to cry again. "I hurt some people without realising it 'til now."

Kelly grabbed both of my hands as she looked me right in the eyes, "Astraea, you've always been a closed-off kid. Gettin' close to people scares ya'. But you've got a big heart, and you're capable of givin' so much love. I've seen it with your horses."

As uncomfortable as her words made me, I know that she's right. About the first part, at least.

"You should go back. Fix it," she said while giving me a stern look, coupled with an encouraging smile.

"But I can't leave you right now!" I protested. "What about t-the funeral a-and… stuff?"

"That's just the aftermath. What's important is that ya' were there for your Uncle. We'll be fine," she assured me.

I let out a shaky breath and nodded.

"It's four-thirty, I doubt Leo's up; but y'are callin' 'em in the morning, or I will," she said while pointing a menacing finger.

I nodded, "Yeah, okay."

At 20:00 on the same day, after I said goodbye to my family and promised to find a way to visit some time, Leo graciously drove me back to the farm as we left my Uncle's funeral a bit 'early' so that he could send me back to Camelot.

"Can you maybe send me back to the same day when I left? So that my friends won't realise that I was gone for an entire ten days?" I asked sheepishly. It hurts to think that Merlin could go ten freaking days mourning his dad alone, and I don't even want to try to imagine how Arthur must feel after I pushed him away when he actually had the courage to say the four-letter-word that has had my stomach in a knot for over a month.

"Sorry, Astra, but there's something I call a 'biological timeline' that shouldn't be altered," Leo responded.

"What's that?"

He sighed, "It's hard to explain but, basically, our timeline and Camelot's were accidentally connected when we sent you back the first time, which means that they're connected in your life's timeline, which means that the time you spend here has to match the time you were gone from there; or your biological age won't match the amount of time you've lived. Get it?"

"Uh… I think?"

"In Camelot's timeline, you'll be ten days older than you should be if I send you back to the same day you left," he continued.

"What difference do ten days make?" I questioned. "It's not like it'll alter the entire future of the world."

"No, but I don't feel comfortable playin' god by altering your biological timeline anymore than I already have. It's bad enough that I accidentally caused two eras to connect."

I puffed, feeling a pang of guilt in my chest, and dropped the argument, "Fair enough."

I got Dallas onto the transporting platform while Leo checked the settings one last time, and I let out a shaky breath as I rested my shoulder against my horse's, the comfort of his presence giving me a sense of peace before the tumult I will surely face when I get back to Camelot. Back home.

"Ready?" Leo asked.

"Yep!"

"Okay…" he went to pull the lever, but froze. "Oh! I forgot!" And, without an explanation, he sprinted out of the barn, leaving me positively confused as I tilted my head while watching him go.

He returned not a minute later with a small box – about the size of a shoebox – that had a lot of techy stuff about it.

"This is a miniature version of the time-machine," he explained. "It's so that you can send an SOS letter if you're ever in grave danger and need to return. You can only use it once, so use it wisely. And hide it well."

I carefully took the box from his hands and looked it over, feeling puzzled that he'd been so thoughtful as to make this for me. "Thanks, Leo. You're a great guy," I told him, offering a small smile.

He winked in return and moved to check the settings once more. "Off you go, traveller," he said as he went to pull the lever again – but it was my turn to stop him as something caught my attention in the corner of the barn.

"Wait!" I exclaimed. Leo raised an eyebrow, but allowed me to proceed. I gave him a sheepish smile and ran to grab the shovel I'd spotted. "This way I can bury the box and no one will find it," I noted.

Leo gave me a thumbs-up and finally pulled the lever.