Soda tapped his fingers on the porch swing, other hand fidgeting with his DX hat in anticipation as he waited for Steve to show up. They'd agreed to meet at the Curtis house just before dinner time, figuring they could both change clothes then talk. Soda had only gotten as far as unbuttoning his shirt, opting instead to stay outside and let his nerves have free rein. He found it was a strange feeling when Steve's car finally pulled into the driveway, such a typical moment reminding him of when his friend had left him in the dust the evening before. I'm so damn dramatic, Soda thought, staying on the swing as Steve came up the porch steps and sat beside him. Anybody would think something so much worse happened or-

"I think we should go in your room, Soda. I want as much privacy as we can manage."

Soda got to his feet and followed Steve inside, his bedroom door closing before he even realized what was happening. I'm on autopilot, he thought. I'm just going along and hoping things turn out okay.

Steve wasn't sure how to interpret Soda's silence, but he continued to take the lead, expecting his friend to speak soon enough. "I think I need to start by saying that I should've stuck around last night. At the very least, I should've only told you I needed some time and left it at that. I know I didn't help things with what I said to you."

Soda hesitantly reached out for Steve's hand, breathing a little easier when he accepted the tentative touch. It's okay, he told himself. We're working it out, and he's still here.

"But I was so hurt that you would bring what happened to me into something else, especially in front of your brothers. I never would've seen that coming, Soda. It shocked me, and when you were gone, I could hardly move or do anything. Like I was just frozen. 'Cause I trusted you with knowing how I see that memory now. I trusted you to keep it safe and..."

As Soda heard Steve trail off, he saw that his friend's eyes were bright with tears, the knowledge that he was the direct cause of them making self-hatred loom over him once again. But Soda pushed it away for now, no longer silent as he prompted Steve to keep going. "And what? You can tell me. I know you need this, Stevie. I know you need me to hear it."

Steve remembered everything he'd ever told Soda, the memories that usually brought him only comfort and a sense of security now marred by the thought that he needed to be more careful from now on. "And you didn't this time. What did I do wrong, Soda? Was it so bad that I wanted to make sure you were okay? Did you really think I would want you to break down? If you did, I'm sorry."

"I did feel like ya'll were lookin' too hard at me, but you were right anyway. I just wasn't ready to see it yet, and I felt like things were closin' in on me. I know you couldn't want me to break down, but I had this sense that you expected it. Maybe 'cause we had just talked about that, and it seemed like you were kind of determined to be the one to save me from myself whether I needed it or not."

"I guess I can't even deny that, can I? I like being needed, and I love being the person you come to the most. What were we right about?"

"Just about Penny and how stuff that has to do with her is botherin' me. It sort of brings my feelings about Sandy leavin' back, even though I know Penny would never do any of what she did."

Steve felt the ache he'd had earlier return, his arms needing to hold Soda, even though they'd hardly begun to solve their problems. "Of course she wouldn't, man. She loves you too much, and it's real. She'd never hurt you like that."

"You probably believed the same thing about me, didn't you? But I hurt you a hell of a lot. I know I apologized already, but I'm so sorry for sayin' that about you and what happened. I had no right to use somethin' you shared with me against you. I abused your trust and our friendship like they aren't special to me. But they are, and so are you. I promise I'll never let anything like this happen again. I swear on my life, Stevie. I learned my lesson. Please believe me. Please believe that I won't abuse what we have and risk losin' it. I can't let that happen. I won't."

The ache reached its peak, making Steve grab on to Soda and hug him firmly. "I believe you, and please don't use the word 'abuse' here, buddy. 'Cause it isn't that. You didn't set out to hurt me, and it's not a pattern either."

Soda closed his eyes as he wished he could stop time. Or, better yet, rewind it so that he hadn't let his outburst cross such sacred lines. "Pony said you love me. I didn't think you'd say that anymore."

"What? Like I'm going to stop because you said one stupid thing? Because you went too far once?" Steve's voice had begun to rise, the man's sadness and anger equal in intensity as he kept Soda wrapped in his arms. "I hate what you can do to me sometimes, man. It's not fair. 'Cause I've got every right to still be pissed off and hurt, but I don't even get to have that! I've got things I need to say to you, and I can barely get to them because you make me fucking melt like puddle on the damn floor."

"I'm sorry. You don't gotta worry 'bout me. You can say whatever you want. I can take it. Don't keep it in 'cause of how you feel about me or anything else like that."

"Okay. I can do this." As Steve spoke more to himself than to Soda, he pulled away just slightly, hands fisting his best friend's shirt. "Soda, I don't know if I can trust you with those kind of really personal things anymore. Not for a while anyway. We're going to have to work back up to being able to have those conversations. Not that I'm planning on more realizations about my memories. I'm just saying that, for now, that stuff is something I can't share with you."

Soda tried to blink away tears and failed miserably, the thought of Steve cutting him off even a little bit like a knife to his heart. "But you- you said that you forgive me. That you accepted my apology."

"I do. But that's not what forgiveness means. I can't just forget or have the same thing happen again. We can't just instantly go back to how we were."

"But I said I won't let it happen again. Please don't stop talkin' to me. I'll do anything. Please just let me make this up to you."

Steve had known it would be hard to draw the temporary boundary, but Soda's desperation magnified the difficulty. He also felt desperate himself, but that was because he feared more conflicts like this one could render their friendship unfixable. "Buddy, you are. And I won't stop talking to you. You're still my best friend, and this is me trying to keep it that way. Think of it as us taking a break from the subject of my abuse. 'Cause something happened in both of us yesterday. Not just you. Me too."

"But what do you think it was? I mean, I know I got overwhelmed and lashed out with the first thing that came into my head, but what happened with you?"

"Well, other than how I reacted to the pain from what you said," Steve saw Soda outwardly wince, the movement leading him to lay a hand on his friend's cheek. "I'm not trying to make you feel worse. I'm just being candid because I think it's what we need."

Soda wasn't sure which he preferred, the Steve whose hurt and anger remained clear or this one, the Steve who still looked at him as if he'd move Heaven and Earth to help him heal. "Okay. I want to hear you out real bad. Please keep going."

Steve waited a moment, feeling Soda tremble as his palm continued to rest right where tears had fallen, knowing their faces and demeanors were a matching set right now. "Other than that reaction, I was already coming apart in some ways. You heard and saw it. I was too tough on you out on the porch before you talked to Penny. We mended that fast, yeah, but I was also saying shit that popped into my head. And it's just because I've been so self-conscious. I feel like this whole thing about me almost getting raped-" Steve paused when he saw Soda wince again, noticing it was closer to a flinch this time around. "Come here, man."

At those words, Soda felt Steve pull him in tight once more, the gentle way his friend held him a reminder of what he had thought he'd lost. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why-"

"Shh. I've got you, brother, and that's enough apologies." Steve had readily appreciated Soda's apparent fear and guilt upon hearing him express them at the DX, but observing how the feelings didn't seem to be losing their edge brought out the gravity of the situation. "We're okay. Like I've said, we'll work it out. I completely forgive you, buddy, and I'm not going anywhere."

"I really was tryin' to let you talk. I don't mean to be all jumpy. I just hate rememberin' what I said and what happened to you."

"I know. I can tell, man." Steve rubbed Soda's back as he rocked him, mindful of how they both likely needed some closeness to go along with the parts of resolution that would hurt more before they got better. "I was about to say that I think the subject of how bad things could've been for me was too much of a burden on our friendship. One that we've had a hard time carrying."

"I didn't think anything could be too much for us, Stevie."

"Me neither. But it was. It is. Maybe the timing was just shitty 'cause of it being September and Penny leaving for school too, but it's still the reality."

Soda absorbed what Steve was so lovingly giving him, the combination of solace and sincerity helping to absolve him at a time when it felt like that would be an impossible triumph. "So you're not blamin' me?"

"No. 'Cause I think you're doing enough of that on your own." Steve moved a hand up to stroke Soda's head, the tender feelings he'd claimed to hate before now a soothing presence. "So, for both our sakes, we'll just not talk about my memories of the abuse for some time. But it's okay, and it doesn't mean anything else about where we stand with each other. I'm not holding what happened against you. I'm only trying to protect us, all right?"

"It feels like you're punishing me."

"No. Not at all. I'd never do that, brother." Steve laid his head against Soda's, all words ceasing as they allowed silence to reign, the man who'd been so blindsided by hurt now only focused on showing his best friend mercy.

"You really shouldn't be doing that, Ponyboy. It's rude and disrespectful."

Pony ignored Darry's warning at first and pressed his ear to their middle brother's bedroom door. Realizing he could only hear muffled voices and the occasional sniffle, he moved away. "I just want to know if they're okay."

Darry wondered the same thing himself, the sight of Steve's car in the driveway and Soda's closed door enough to tell them at least part of the current scenario. "But they obviously want whatever is going on in there to be private, so we can't intrude on that."

"Whatever is going on? I know exactly what's happening in there, Darry. Soda and Steve are hugging and crying like that can solve the problem. Like it makes any difference."

"Maybe it does for them. Would you rather they yell and punch each other?"

"That'd make more sense." Pony glanced at the door that remained closed, imagining what Soda and Steve would both look like once they emerged. "But I should know better, shouldn't I? That's not how those two deal with problems. But, if you ask me, they each deserve some expression of being pissed off after what Soda said and Steve just leaving him. They treated one another like trash, and I hate it."

Darry could swear he heard bitterness in Pony's voice, and the older man couldn't be sure of where it was coming from. "They definitely had a rough time, but I wouldn't say it was that bad, Pone. Hell, you and I know better than anybody how fights can escalate if anger gets too much control. I'm glad they're not letting that happen. Steve and Soda know how to be mad without forgetting how much they mean to each other."

"They did forget though. They must have or it couldn't have happened at all."

Darry watched Pony as his little brother's words and expression became completely void of the love and care he'd shown to both Soda and Steve the night before, something else coming along to take their place. "Maybe. But it's just part of being human, and what matters is they're taking the time to remember."

"Well, I think they've got a long way to go. 'Cause their fight shouldn't have happened." Pony glared at Soda's door this time, the teen's mood making him believe that the two men on the other side of it shouldn't be allowed to have such a peaceful time of reconciliation. "They shouldn't have let it, not when they've been through the stuff they have with each other. It's just not right."

"It's not exactly wrong either. Arguments and disagreements are a fact of life and relationships. The same goes for saying things we don't mean."

"But this isn't supposed to happen to them, Darry. Not to Soda and Steve. They're not like everybody else. Even when I didn't always like it, I could count on them to be up each other's asses, but it might not be that way anymore after last night. They both got hurt, so what if they can't fix it? What if being all isolated in Soda's room and hugging just ain't enough this time? 'Cause it shouldn't be, you know? It shouldn't be that easy for them to make up."

"Ponyboy, you're kind of confusing me here. You sound like you want them to fight, but you also want them to be all right. So which one is it, little brother?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm just mad." Pony spared another glance at Soda's door that had yet to open, sure that Soda and Steve were deeply engaged in conversation, even if he couldn't convince himself that would be enough. "And I hated seeing them upset with each other, but at the same time, I think the only way to make it better is for things to explode."

"So if that's not what forgiveness means, then what the hell is the point? If you're going to shut me out, you might as well say you don't forgive me at all."

Steve's efforts at reframing his decision not to talk about the abuse with Soda for the time being had fallen on deaf ears, his best friend too hurt to accept the idea. "But I do forgive you, and the point is I'm not angry or resentful. I'm still your friend, and I'm not shutting you out. If I did that, I wouldn't be here right now."

Soda couldn't get past his black-and-white view that made him see forgiveness as both a perfectly clean slate and an act that got rid of the offense. "Do you know what it was like for me, Steve? When you said you didn't forgive me, I kept thinkin' about how you wanted to forgive Clara. Like she's worth the work, and I ain't. Like I should be punished, but she shouldn't."

"It's not punishment, Soda. Damn it, man, you're taking this way too hard. And, yeah, she should be punished, but that's not my place. It's God's. There's nothing you could do that would make me think you need to suffer. I could never want that for you."

"I guess I just can't understand why. Not after what I did. I also kept thinkin' about you drivin' away and how that felt like you had to be leavin' me forever."

Steve knew too well that disorienting feeling of loss, now able to imagine that Soda's previous experiences with grief had probably magnified the emotions brought on by their conflict. "So what I'm getting right now is part of you thinks you deserve some kind of consequence for saying what you did, but another part can't even accept that, yes, I need to avoid telling you certain things for a little while. I'm confused, man. 'Cause, if you see what I'm doing as a punishment, shouldn't that give you what you think you earned? Or is it just not bad enough? Do I really need to let you have it so this guilt will ebb away? I get that you thought you lost me, but you didn't, brother. I'm here, and I don't know how to make that any clearer, especially not when I'm the one who got my trust stomped on. I trusted you with the most sensitive, intimate part of what happened to me, and you were so careless with it. Yet, I'm trying to comfort you now. This is so fucked up, I can't even believe it's happening."

The frustration that had seeped into Steve's voice didn't go unnoticed by Soda, but it also didn't stop him from slipping too far inside his own head, his mind filled with images of loss and finality, of moments cut short, and lives ending. No, Soda told himself. This isn't that. It's not. Steve's here. He just-

"Whoa. You need to breathe, buddy."

Soda felt Steve's hand on his chest, realizing his breaths were coming fast. Too fast. "But I- I can't."

"You can." With one hand still on Soda's chest and the other on his shoulder, Steve held his best friend's gaze, seeking to be the solid connection he knew the other man needed. "Whatever set this off, you're safe. There's nothing here that can hurt you, brother."

The terms of endearment which had been sprinkled throughout Steve's speech since they'd begun talking at the DX were like ports in a storm as Soda stared into his eyes. "Stevie?"

"Yeah?"

"If we fight again, please stay."

"Okay. I can do that, man." Steve could feel that Soda's breathing had slowed down, the panic now almost passed. "This is the point, Soda. This is what it looks like. For us."

"Huh? What are you talkin' about?"

Steve nodded toward his hands and where they still were. "Forgiveness. My first instinct was to help you through that anxiety. What I'm trying to do for myself by forgiving Clara has nothing to do with what it means for me to forgive you. It's apples and oranges, buddy. So don't compare them. Just accept it."

Soda drew in a deep breath, much calmer than he had been minutes earlier. "And you've been hugging me and calling me your brother. Is that what it looks like too?"

"Yeah." Steve allowed his hands to move back into his own lap as he nodded, a small smile on his face. "See? We're getting through this, aren't we?"

"I think so. I guess it's hard for me to take. I mean, you've seen how I've struggled with knowin' I'm loved anyway. So that's even worse when I did somethin' awful."

"So, if I had said everything's great between us and it's all the same as always, you would've fought me on that too?"

"Probably."

Steve had already known what that answer would be, for he knew the length and depth of Soda's self-doubt. He'd gotten a close-up view of how his best friend's insecurities could color his perceptions and make him question even his closest relationships. "We're at a place where we need to compromise, buddy. With the situation and with each other. It's not like I could ever stop talking to you altogether, but I can't share what I usually would either."

Soda put his hand on top of Steve's, biting his bottom lip as he reflected on his reaction to the way his friend wanted to handle this, how he'd been so resistant to any change, despite the guilt that told him he deserved much worse that anything Steve would dream of allowing. "But it's not punishment? At all?"

Steve shook his head, hearing how small Soda's voice was as the man yearned for reassurance that only he could give, reaching for the hope that what had been done was worthy of forgiveness without strings. "No, not at all. It's just a boundary. I know that's not something we're used to because we've been comfortable telling each other everything. But just think of this as like guardrails. For our safety. For our friendship's safety."

"Okay. I can do that. I guess I just needed to know that you still love me."

"Of course I still love you, Soda. One horrible moment can't undo that, buddy. Hell, a thousand horrible moments couldn't undo it."

"I can still tell you anything I want?"

"Absolutely. I'm just going to keep the stuff about my memories to myself. Or, better yet, between me and Laura."

"For how long?"

"I don't know, man." Steve watched as Soda hung his head, knowing it would take more than one conversation for him to fully adjust. Choosing not to explain further for now, Steve shifted his hand so that he could return his friend's grasp. "But it won't be forever, and we'll be okay."

"Thank you, Stevie. For bein' like this with me, even though I'm the one that hurt you. I love how you're still good at showin' you care even when you get angry. It's a big deal for you to be able to do that."

"You'd do the same if the tables were turned, my brother." Steve drew Soda close for a third time, planting a kiss on his temple. "Because, for us, it just comes naturally."

Soda knew that to be true, but it didn't stop him from being amazed by how Steve could articulate his own feelings and hold his friend accountable, yet keep their dynamic as warm as it had always been. "I hope we don't ever fight again. I hated it."

"Yeah. Me too." And Steve certainly did, but he couldn't say that nothing good had come of it when the conflict had given them a chance to work through a problem together. Something which was truly between them and not only a product of their individual traumas. Pulling away from Soda, Steve could see that his friend looked calmer, radiating a peace that likely came from knowing they were on the road to reconciling what had gone so wrong. "But at least this means we know how to talk and fix things. We've never really had to before, so that's definitely an experience worth having and one hell of a lesson."

"So are you and my brother back in a restored paradise, or do you need a little bit more time?"

Steve had noticed Pony eyeing him since he came out of Soda's room, the teen now acting like he was some sort of spectacle as they stood out on the back porch together. "Kind of both, I think. It's not that cut and dry. But we've made up if that's what you mean."

Pony had been able to hear slightly raised voices from the other side of the door when Soda and Steve were still talking, this evidence convincing him that they had done more than hug and cry. Perhaps they did need to fight in order to get to a resolution. "I got pissed off at ya'll while you were in Soda's room."

"Why? It had nothing to do with you, Kid."

"Yeah, it did, Steve. 'Cause I saw what happened last night. I heard something very private about you too, and I guess it bothered me."

As self-conscious as this would've made Steve feel in the past, now he only saw that in Pony, his best friend's little brother who, in spite of all he'd been through, had asked the most innocent question upon finding out about Steve's childhood trauma. He'd been fifteen then and struggled to comprehend the truth of what he was hearing, the most basic facts confounding to a boy who knew

little about the nuances of abuse. "I'm not sure what to say, Pony. You did hear something I wanted to keep between me and Soda, and it was probably more than you ever would've wanted to know. But why would you be mad today? You were actually pretty damn great last night, which I don't mind admitting. You didn't seem angry then."

"Because I wasn't. Not yet anyway. It didn't catch up with me till you two were talking. Somehow it made me mad to think it could be so simple for ya'll to make up when you both should've done better to begin with."

"Hey, hold on there, Kid. It wasn't simple. Just because there wasn't a show for you to see doesn't mean it was easy. And what do you mean we should've done better? You know how things can be. You've said shit you shouldn't have, and you've taken off. Besides, wasn't this what you wanted?

For me and Soda to talk? At my house last night, it's what you were asking me to do, and you sounded like you thought it should be simple. Like we could just talk, and the problems would be magically gone. It doesn't work that way, but at least the process is started."

"So I wasn't wrong then?"

"Nah. Just a little idealistic. Our talk got the ball rolling, and that's the most important part."

Pony had been working on deciphering his feelings that seemed out of left field, his thoughts often at odds with what he knew he wanted to see happen. "So what went on in there anyway? I kept thinking you were just hugging and crying, but I did hear a little bit of yelling."

Steve crossed his arms over his chest as he glanced inside, seeing that Soda was helping Darry with dinner, the two brothers not paying attention to anything else. "Okay. Yeah, there was some of that. We needed to get anger and frustration out of our systems. But what has you so invested in how Soda and I work things out? Yeah, I get that you saw the fight happen and everything. You saw both of us reeling from it. But why does it matter what we did to fix the problem? How is that something you need to worry about?"

Pony regarded Steve for a moment, their gazes meeting in a mix of understanding and perplexity. "Because I think you should have to work harder. It's too easy when it shouldn't be."

"Okay. So we're back to that again. Like I told you, it's not easy. I'm not going to stand here and air our dirty laundry by explaining why, so you'll just have to take my word for it. But what if there was no work involved? Why is that your business?"

"You ask too many questions."

Steve smirked at the scowl Pony was giving him. "Well, you did kind of start it first, Kid. I'm just trying to figure out where you're coming from. For your sake since you decided to get into this with me. For Soda too 'cause I don't think he needs the third degree right now."

"This ain't the third degree. I just want to know what's going on."

"You're being critical as hell. That makes it the third degree. Whatever you want to call it, Soda has had enough going on."

Pony's face softened, his eyes moving to the window to see his middle brother smiling, something he definitely hadn't done the previous night. "You're protecting him. Even after what he said, you still are."

"Well, yeah. One bad moment doesn't erase fourteen years of friendship."

"I know. That's kind of the gist of something I said to Soda last night too."

Steve could see that Pony had deflated in the last couple of minutes, the annoyance he'd displayed giving way to something akin to sadness. "All right. Level with me here, Pony. What's really going on with you? You're not asking the questions you are for no reason. There's something else underneath you acting like you're mad about me and Soda having issues and the fact that we've been able to work through them. I know you don't want Soda to hurt more or for us to stop being friends, so what's behind this?"

Pony's gaze shifted back to Steve, the teen letting their eyes meet and finding that curiosity dominated the older man's expression as he waited for a reply. "You and Soda are never supposed to forget what you mean to each other. 'Cause that's when bad things happen. That's how it gets out of control."

"So you think we ought to have to work harder because we did something bad by fighting? Is that it?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"We should be punished then?"

"I wouldn't put it like that. It sounds too harsh." Pony looked away from Steve as he contemplated precisely where his thoughts and feelings had come from, the memories flashing through his mind in a way that he was sure Steve would empathize with if he dared to go into detail. "But this is how people die. And that's something you and Soda already know. Ya'll saw the same things I did. Maybe even more."

Steve sighed as he realized that he could hardly argue with Pony's surface logic. They had indeed seen fights lead to deaths, had witnessed conflict become much more devastating than it had the right to be. "Yeah, we did. But all of that doesn't mean our one fight would be tragic. The fact is it wasn't, and my relationship with Soda is nothing like the ones you're looking back at right now, Kid. It's not volatile, and we don't have problems all the time. Plus, we didn't do anything reckless to deal with it."

"Fighting is reckless, in case you haven't noticed."

Even though Steve saw that Pony's irritation was returning, he bit back a retort that would remind the teen he'd been right at the center of many fights and disagreements. "No, it's not. Physical fights are reckless, sure, but a verbal one is just a product of an issue that needs to be solved or dealt with between people. Or maybe a symptom of something they should address before it gets too out of hand."

"Is that what it was for you and Soda? A symptom?"

"Yeah. It let us know things weren't completely right."

"But are they now?"

Steve finally saw what Pony was really seeking, the anger nothing but a facade that was meant to disguise the brokenness in a kid who'd seen too much and had come to rely on the friends and family he had left for security. "Yes. We're okay, Kid, and don't worry. I'm not going anywhere, and neither is your brother. We sure as hell ain't dying."

"You can't know that. Anything could happen. You could get in another fight, then your friendship could be over forever and then something might happen to one of you or-"

"Pony." Steve laid a hand on his best friend's little brother's shoulder, having not expected the spiral Pony was taking into the world of anxious thoughts. "Nothing is happening to us, and even two fights wouldn't mean our friendship is over. Man, you and Soda sure do think a lot alike, by the way. Ittook a lot for me to get him to stop thinking of the worst-case scenario with us. He was taking things really hard."

Pony agreed, having seen the state Soda had been in the night before, his middle brother practically falling apart at the seams as he tried to cope. "Steve, if he'd needed you, would you have come back last night? I mean, like if he'd really needed your help the way he has before, would you still have come here for him, even though you were upset?"

Steve didn't hesitate as he caught on to where Pony's head had gone, completely sure of the action he'd have taken regardless of his need for space and time. "Absolutely, Kid. If you're talking about what I think you are, I would've shown up in a heartbeat 'cause Soda can always count on me in an emergency."