A/N The Reason by Hoobastank is this chapter's title. Why you may ask? Well, because Solas has found a reason to open up, and he is sharing the reason he has tried pushing Elyssa way and this song is a great one to highlight just that. There are some light descriptions and references to physical and emotional abuse in this chapter, so please read with caution. As usual, my lovely readers, please enjoy and let me know what you think!
Elyssa stood outside the large mahogany colored door, her heart pounding in her ears. It was simple, just insert the card into the slot above the handle and open the door. So, why was she still standing outside the door, twisting the card over and over in her hands? Just go in and see what he wants, she told herself. Before she could talk herself out of it, she swiped the card through the slot. Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, she waited to hear the electronic lock click. With shaking hands, she opened the door. The room was simple, a bathroom and small closet to her right, a full length mirror hanging on the wall to her left. Down the small hall type walkway was a dresser sitting next to a long wooden desk built into the wall, the lone figure of a somber man sitting at it. She stepped into the room and closed the door behind her.
"Solas?" she called hesitantly.
He lifted his head, an anguished smile on his face, a kind pleading look in his eyes. Why did he have to look at her like he cared, like he was pained by her sorrow? Didn't he know it made it that much harder to try to put him out of her mind? Her heart squeezed in her chest, sending a dull pain throughout her torso "I suspect you have questions." Her eyes burned with unshed tears. She wanted nothing more than to go wrap her arms around him, to tell him it would be okay. But to say that would be making a promise she wasn't sure she could keep.
"Salem believes you just need time to wrap your head around things," she answered tightly.
"I fear that the truth is much simpler and much worse than Salem would like to admit," Solas sighed. He indicated to the large king size bed directly across from him. Elyssa sat on the cool white and black comforter, ready to hear what Solas had to say.
Solas came to sit beside her, slowly reaching out to take her hand in his. "It was not supposed to happen this way," the features of his face were twisted in pain and despair. Elyssa's heart ached to soothe all the pain away, but she remained still.
"Solas, please," Elyssa asked, "if you care, then give me the truth." She stared at Solas with pleading eyes, her mouth a frown of confusion.
Solas took a deep breath, preparing for what he had to tell her. The truth. Why he had walked away from her twice now, and why he had come back. It was not a complicated story, not truly; but it was one that hurt all the same. "You are not the only one to have been hurt by the past," he admitted, "unlike you, however, I could not find the courage to share mine. I pushed you away in hopes of keeping you free from my burden. All that has accomplished, it seems, is bringing you more suffering. For that, I'm sorry."
Elyssa took a deep breath, staring into the blue-grey eyes of sorrow and hope. All the pain they had caused each other. all the suffering they did, it all could've been avoided if they had both just been honest with each other from the beginning. If they had trusted their feelings instead of running from them. "I loved you," she sighed, "Do you really think I wouldn't have understood?"
"I am sorry," he whispered. Another deep breath to still his heart. It was time he told her his story. "I loved another before you," he began, a tingling sensation in the tips of his toes, a hard lump in his throat, "her name was Andruil. I met her my junior year of high school, and we were together until the second semester of my freshman year of college." He forced the words out. Elyssa needed to hear this, to know why he had tried so hard to push her away.
"Wh-what happened?" Elyssa cleared her throat, she was almost too afraid to ask. Solas looked like he was in so much pain, like the very memory of this woman hurt.
"Andruil had quite a… different idea of what love was," he answered, "or maybe she never loved me at all, I do not know."
"She treated you… badly, didn't she?" Elyssa whispered. It was easy to see, the pain of the thought evident on his face. She remembered when she had been on the other side of this conversation, how hard it had been to tell Solas everything that had happened to her. Solas answered with slow distraught nods. His bottom lip quivered, his brows furrowed in a look Elyssa recognized too well. "You don't have to do this," she whispered kindly.
"I want to," Solas answered, "I need you to understand, to forgive me for acting like such a fool."
She inched closer to him, and began rubbing soothing circles in his back, much like Salem had done for her days before, "I'm listening."
"Andruil was not a kind woman," he admitted, "she didn't show it at first; but as she became more comfortable with me, she began showing her true colors. By the time I realized how cruel and manipulative she could be, it was too late. She had me exactly where she wanted me." He gave Elyssa's hand a gentle squeeze. "She would lavish me with attention one moment, then the next she would scream at and belittle me. She told me I was worthless, that I was nothing without her, and I believed her. Sometimes, I still do. After hearing something so often, it's an easy thing to start believing." Elyssa nodded. She had been there before, she knew exactly how easy it was to fall into that trap. "Her saying those things didn't hurt as much as the punishment I received for being so worthless."
Solas took a shaky breath, not expecting the truth to be this painful. He thought he had moved past Andruil and the horrors he had endured with her. "Whenever she was displeased with me is when I would often find her in the arms of another. She never tried to hide it, she said I deserved it for being the way I was. She never elaborated, never told me what about me displeased her so. If she'd just told me, I could have fixed the problem."
Elyssa's blood boiled at hearing how desperately Solas had wanted to please this cruel woman, at how horribly she had treated him for it. He stared at the wall, his eyes haunted by a past she couldn't see. "Andruil fought with me on everything. My mother, Mythal, told me more than once to leave her. As did Salem. I wouldn't listen. I was convinced I would never find anyone better than Andruil. She was so beautiful, and she had chosen me to be with. I told myself it was an honor to have a creature such as her want me. But she had never wanted me, not truly. She wanted the attention I lavished her with."
Solas leaned slightly into Elyssa, unable to bear the weight of the rest of what he had to tell her alone. "When my mother died, I turned to Andruil, expecting her to offer me love and support. Instead, she wanted nothing to do with it, seeming almost happy she had died. My mother had been sick for years, I never expected it to finally catch up with her like it did. And because I was so desperate to please Andruil, I had hardly spent any time with my mother after I graduated high school. For almost a year, I all but ignored the woman that had cared for and raised me, for the one that couldn't care less about me." He took a deep, calming breath before continuing. "It was around that time her mistreatment of me became more… physical."
"She hurt you?" Elyssa growled. Rage heated her body. How could someone hurt Solas and get away with it?
Solas rolled up the long sleeves of his shirt. In the faint light of the room Elyssa could barely make out the large faded pink lines on his wrist and elbows. They were symmetrical, wide and jagged around the edges, and went all the way around. "Andruil had a fondness for ropes," Solas explained. He turned his back to her, pulling his shirt over his head at the same time. On his back were more faded pink lines, these being thinner and overlapping in some places. "She also developed a fondness for a whip towards the end of our relationship."
"Creators," Elyssa gasped, "why did you stay with her?"
Solas turned back around, his shirt discarded on the floor. She could see a few more pink whip lines on his chest, though that had been mostly unscathed from the looks of it. "When Salem finally convinced me to leave Andruil, she revealed that she was pregnant," Solas answered, "she claimed it was mine, though with the amount of lovers she had, it wasn't a high probability. Still, I believed her and I stayed. This was not long after the death of my mother, so I cherished the idea to have a family of my own. I went with Andruil to all of her appointments, took care of her as best I could, I did everything I thought I was supposed to." Solas took a deep breath, tears pooling in his eyes. "She was four months pregnant," he whispered in a distant voice, "when she decided she didn't want to be anymore." Elyssa gasped. Had Andruil really done what Solas was implying? "Her father had a lot of money. It was easy for her to pay someone to perform the procedure that late in the pregnancy without asking questions."
"Why did you guys decide not to have the baby anymore?" Elyssa asked.
"I had no part in that decision," Solas clarified sharply, "she made it by herself while I was at class one day. We had just found out the day before it was going to be a girl." His eyes and voice trailed off to a time and place Elyssa couldn't fathom. "Perhaps that's why she didn't want it. I'll never know," he murmured almost too quietly to hear.
"Ir abelas, ma vhenan," Elyssa said softly. Solas took her hand once more, giving it a squeeze.
"Our relationship was basically over at that point," Solas continued, "but when she suggested going to her father's cabin in the Frostbacks… I agreed. I spent a month there, tied and tortured for almost the entirety. Andruil didn't have any regard for my well being during this time. It wasn't long before I was too weak to be of interest to her. She left me there, too weak to leave on my own. It was Salem who finally found me. When she'd seen that Andruil had come back without me, she confronted her and figured out where to find me. Andruil ran before anyone could question what happened. I didn't see her for years after that… until recently."
"Sh-she was the black-haired woman?" Elyssa gasped, putting together what he was implying.
"She tried to convince me to go back to her father with her," Solas said, "that was what you witnessed that day outside of the cafe."
"You… you didn't find someone new because you didn't want me anymore?" Elyssa breathed in relief.
"No, vhenan," Solas murmured, "I was afraid, so I ran."
"Afraid of what?" Elyssa asked.
"Being hurt again," Solas admitted, "I had only fleeting dalliances after Andruil, until you. You came into my life and I felt the whole world change. I didn't mean to let you break down my walls. But break them down you did, and in doing so became the world to me."
Elyssa took jagged uneven breaths, fighting back the tears in her eyes. "And last week?" she asked with a shaky breath.
"I was a fool," Solas sighed, "I thought I was in the same situation I had been in with Andruil. I didn't put down my pride long enough to see how truly different you were from her until I was once again faced with the possibility of losing you forever."
"What?" Elyssa asked, confused.
Solas chuckled darkly, "Let's just say Salem is very protective and brutally honest." Elyssa chuckled with him for a moment before her face fell in seriousness. There were still so many questions that needed answers; but it was a little freeing to finally understand why Solas had pushed her away.
"So," she began, "where do we go from here?"
"That, vhenan, is up to you," he answered. His eyes bore into her, hope shining in them, quickening her pulse. One corner of his full lips was turned up in a half-smile that reflected the hopeful desire in his blue eyes. She let her gaze rake over him quickly, looking once more at the scars he had finally bore to her. She pulled her own sleeve up a few inches, looking at the scars that had begun to heal. It had been almost two months ago that she had laid down her razor for good. She had been tempted many times since then, to try to feel something besides the self-hatred, but stopped each time. Each time, the memory of Solas' worried, pleading face as he asked her not to hurt herself again surfaced. He had been the first person that said she didn't deserve what happened to her, he had been the person that made her start believing that maybe she could be happy in the messed up world they lived in, he had been there to offer his care and support from the beginning. She felt safe, content, cared for… loved, when she was with him. Even now, when things were so uncertain, she felt like the piece of her she had been missing all week had returned. They were both scarred, broken, scared individuals, but maybe together they had the chance to be something more, something better.
With a gentle hand, she cupped Solas' face. He let out a breathy sigh at her touch. Beneath her hand, his face was cool but quickly warming. She guided his head down to hers, finding little resistance from him. When her lips met his, she let out a contented sigh. This, him, was what she had been missing all this time. She let everything she was feeling pour itself into the movement of their lips. All the loneliness, despondency, anguish she had felt since he had walked away from her. All the hope, desire, longing she felt now. She didn't feel so alone, she finally felt like things could be okay.
Solas wound his arms around Elyssa, deepening the kiss she had pulled him into. He held her tightly to him, heart pounding. He dared not let her go, petrified that he would wake to find this had been a dream. He felt her body melt into his embrace, a small pleased breath escaping her lips. He pulled away from her, taking a moment to enjoy the satisfied way she blinked her beautiful green eyes at him. He leaned his head down, letting his forehead rest gently on hers. He raised one hand to stroke the long locks of her hair, then moved to gently guide his fingers over her cheek and jaw. His eyes were closed, enjoying the raw sensations of her smooth skin beneath his fingers. Taking a deep breath, he inhaled the subtle scent of the floral perfume she wore. It was light, sweet, and beautiful; the perfect combination for her.
"Solas," she breathed, her voice thick with emotion. A tingling sensation danced down his spine at the way she sighed his name. Never before had his name sounded so beautiful coming from the lips of another.
"Yes, vhenan?" he murmured huskily. He felt the hand that had been cupping his face glide down his neck, forming a path of electric sensations to rest on his chest. His heart thudded unevenly beneath her palm, his breaths coming in a jagged pattern. If he were to perish at this very moment, he would do so contently, satisfied if the last thing he felt was the smooth skin of her fingertips combined with the rough feel of the nails she kept short against his skin.
"I love you," she whispered. Solas' eyes shot open to gaze at the tender light shining in hers. A wide smile stretched across his face, delighted tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He reached up to grip both sides of her face gently in his hands, his mouth descending upon hers hungrily. This kiss was full of fervor, passion, and delight. Her mouth moved with his in equal hunger, her other hand snaking up to grip his shoulder. He groaned low in his throat, pulling her into his lap eagerly. She chuckled but moved with just as much enthusiasm to sit sideways against him.
Solas pulled away to take a desperate breath. "I love you, too," he answered.