A/N Finally, a new chapter! The story is finally being continued and we might be able to find the answer to questions such as who is the father of Elyssa's baby? Is she going to keep it? What will become of her and Solas's relationship now that they know about each other's past? Well, this is the first of many chapters that will answer those questions. The chapter's song title is the song Unravel sung by Johnathan Young. It is also the main theme for Tokyo Ghoul but I felt that the song kind of fit how Elyssa is feeling in this chapter as well as the fact that things are starting to come unraveled now. As always, I hope you guys enjoy as well as review.
The weight of the bed seemed to sink further as Elyssa stared at the pamphlet in her hands. Salem had come home just before the Iron Bull and Krem, bringing with her a few pamphlets from the women's clinic she had taken her to the day everything had happened with Justice. Elyssa knew it was her not-so-subtle way of telling her time was running out. It was already the 18th and Elyssa had until the 26th to decide, every day ticking by like the numbers on a bomb counting down to it's designation. She needed to talk to Solas, it was past time for them to figure out what they were going to do. Salem must have thought about this as well. That explaining why she had insisted Solas come over for their weekly dinner despite him and Elyssa still being in trouble for their art show sleepover. With a heavy sigh Elyssa stood up, she needed to talk to Salem before Solas got here.
"Salem, do you have a moment?" Elyssa asked when she had made it to the kitchen to see Salem gathering what she needed for dinner, the boys outside firing up the grill.
The qunari woman didn't hesitate to answer. "Of course," she nodded, waving Elyssa over, handing her a knife. Elyssa went to work chopping cucumbers for a salad. "What's on your mind?" Salem asked after a few minutes of silence went by.
"I don't know what to do," Elyssa answered with a defeated sigh, "on one hand I want to believe it's Solas' but then on the other, even if it is his, am I really ready to have a child?"
Elyssa looked to Salem hopefully. "Are you?" She asked simply.
"I don't know," Elyssa groaned in frustration. She gritted her teeth and held back the retort that came to mind at Salem's response."What if I keep it and its Justice's?"
"What if it is?" Salem asked in return, "what are you going to do about it?" Elyssa huffed irritably. Everything about the way Salem wasn't helping bothered Elyssa. Her dismissive tone, the shrug of her large shoulders, the lack of answers. She was just repeating back what Elyssa was saying. Didn't Salem understand she needed help?
"I don't know!" Elyssa growled, slamming the knife flat onto the counter, "I don't know what to do! That's why I came to you for advice, not that that has done me any good."
Salem pierced her with a cold grey gaze, moving the salad fixings away from the fuming elf. "No, you didn't come to me for advice," she disagreed, "you came to me in hopes that I would tell you what to do. Then you would blame me later for whichever decision I made."
"That's not true," Elyssa claimed, her eyes moving away from the piercing stare that highlighted her shame.
"It is and you know it," Salem argued, "you refuse to face the responsibility and guilt of this decision." Salem took a deep breath before turning Elyssa to face her. "Honey, this isn't an easy choice you have to make, but it's one only you can make." Elyssa cast her eyes downward, angry tears threatening to surface. She had figured that out herself but still hoped Salem would magically have the answer. Salem was right when she said she didn't want to face the responsibility of this decision. "Just know that whatever decision you make, The Iron Bull and I will support you wholeheartedly."
A knock at the front door prevented her from saying anything more. Elyssa's heart slammed into her throat pounding erratically. Salem pointed her towards the front door. "Go, talk to him," she ordered, "I'm here if you need me."
Elyssa swallowed hard, her hands shaking as she made her way to the front door. The moisture on her palms made turning the doorknob a slippery affair. Solas stood, her favorite dessert of cheesecake in his hands. His face lit up in a wide smile upon seeing her. "Vhenan," he greeted her pleasantly. Elyssa couldn't help but smile just a little in return. Her smile was short lived as she remembered the unpleasant conversation looming ahead. They hadn't seen or spoken to each other in a week because she had been grounded and the first thing they had to do was have an unpleasant conversation about a situation neither of them had wanted.
"Come in," she invited solemnly. She took the cheesecake from him, her body going through the motions of taking the cheesecake to the kitchen as her mind raced at all the things she didn't know how to say.
She glanced over at Solas. He was breathing evenly, still smiling even. How was he so calm? He had to know this discussion was looming over the pretense of dinner. Did it not bother him? How? How could it not? Her mind was so consumed with the questions, the panic, the intensity of the situation that she almost didn't hear the sound of Solas closing the door behind him. The soft wisp of his voice drifted up to her ears, a question she almost didn't catch.
"Are you okay, ma vhenan?" It was a simple question. A question of concern. He asked only because he cared. Yet, something inside her broke. The dam she had built to contain all the things she had felt all these months crumbled. Before she realized what she was doing, before she could stop herself, the cheesecake in its thin wrappings was hurled through the air to land on Solas' shoulder.
"How could I possibly be okay?!" Elyssa yelled. "Do you have any idea how I feel? The shit that has been going through my head every day since I found out I was pregnant?" Elyssa's heart pounded more anger through her as Solas stood, staring flabbergasted at her. Why couldn't anyone see she was scared? That she needed help? That she didn't know what to do but she knew she had to do something? She was 17. She wasn't even legally an adult yet and here she was facing the idea of raising a child that could very well be the result of a horrible tragedy she had let happen. How was she supposed to deal with that? How was she supposed to have the answers they wanted from her?
"Elyssa," Solas' voice was calm, soothing, he held his hands up in a motion to show her he meant no harm. Elyssa gritted her teeth against the sound, her brows furrowing as she saw him physically try to calm her. "Elyssa, I know you must be upset and confused," Solas tried again, "but if you just calm down, we can talk about this rationally."
One of the small throw pillows Salem kept on the couch was hurled in Solas' direction. Tears of fury and shame fell down Elyssa's cheeks. "You KNOW!?" Elyssa growled, "That's rich." Solas opened his mouth to say something, only to be immediately cut off. "How the fuck could you possibly know how I feel Solas?" She allowed him no chance to answer "Were you there? Did you go through what I did? Did I just happen to have missed you in that room as he did those things to me?" Pain squeezed Elyssa's chest, making it hard to breathe as she remembered everything Justice had done to her. "Are you possibly pregnant with a monster's child? Did you have to suffer the possibility of going through this alone because the possible father, the person you cared about most, walked out as soon as you told him the truth?" the question came out as little more than a whisper.
Elyssa was so focused on her anger and grief she paid little attention to Solas. What could he possibly have to say? She was taken aback by the sudden sharp tone that addressed her now. "This doesn't affect only you," Solas retorted, "you are not the only one suffering from this."
Elyssa shot daggers at him. "And pray tell, how are you suffering?" she spat.
"Do you think it's easy?!" Solas exclaimed, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Knowing that my selfishness led to your pain? And now, because of my recklessness I am facing the possibility of raising another man's child. A rapist's child! Do you think that makes me happy?" Elyssa winced at the truth. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to hold together all the pieces that had been broken by Salem's antagonizing, by the reality of what she was being forced to face.
"What am I supposed to do?" Elyssa murmured brokenly. "I don't know what to do." She sank to the floor, pressing her back into the couch as tears of grief flowed freely.
Solas sat beside her, a heavy sigh escaping him. "I didn't mean to say it in quite that way," he sighed, "It is not my wish to hurt you further."
"That didn't stop you from saying it," Elyssa muttered.
"I'm sorry vhenan," Solas said softly.
"So where do we go from here?" she whispered. Her eyes refused to meet his, afraid of what she might see there. Instead she focused on the cheesecake that covered his shirt. Absent-mindedly, she brushed some of it away. She couldn't believe she had acted just like her mother and thrown things in her fury. She was going to have to be better about dealing with things. The last thing she wanted to become was a woman like the one that had raised her.
"I suppose it is necessary we have this discussion," Solas suggested. He didn't sound harsh or angry. Instead his tone was soft and polite, understanding that it had to happen.
"I know you didn't ask for this, Solas," Elyssa began with a sigh, "and I know you're not pleased with the situation…." Elyssa stared at the fingers in her lap she kept twining and pulling apart, her throat tight as she tried to force out the words she knew she needed to say.
Solas laid a gentle hand atop hers. "Elyssa, you didn't ask for this either," he reminded her softly.
"But it's happened all the same," she said.
Elyssa tried to get a grip on the turmoil that was still rushing through her. "When I think about being pregnant I both love and hate it. I love the idea of having a combination of you and me, something that proves that I had someone that accepted me and you had someone that accepted you." She smiled weakly at him. "And when I think about it that way, how could I not want it? How could I not want that beautiful thing we made together?"
Elyssa took a long pause, trying to keep herself together. In and then out. She chanted to herself. Breathe, he won't hate you. Her chest rose and fell with shaky breaths as she struggled to continue. "But then I think about w-who's else it may be, and I…" She paused, the words getting stuck in her throat. "I hate it," she finally admitted with a sob, "I hate the idea of a permanent reminder that he was in-inside me, that he was ever a part of me. I want to believe that I would love it anyway, because it would be my child too, but what if I can't?" she sobbed, burying her face in her hands.
Solas took a deep breath, a hesitant hand began rubbing her shoulders. "Elyssa, no one will blame you if you don't want to keep it."
Elyssa took more shaky breaths, thinking about all of her options. Could she give birth to Justice's child? Could she raise it? She knew without a doubt if the child proved to be Solas' she would love it, cherish it. But could she do the same if it wasn't? Was she willing to take that chance? There were so many possibilities, so many chances, yet her mind kept returning to a singular thought. There was a chance it could be Solas' and she wanted Solas' baby. But, it wasn't just her decision to make.
"Solas, what do you want?" Elyssa asked with quiet breath, "do you want me to get rid of it?"
"I know it is wrong of me to say," he began, "it is selfish, but a part of me doesn't want to take the chance of it being that monster's child."
Elyssa raised her head to look him squarely in the eye. The next few questions she had to ask were going to be tough, but they needed to be answered. "Could you be okay with the possibility of another child of yours being aborted?" She asked, "because if I choose to go down that road, we will never know whose it was." She could tell she had caught him off guard, forcing him to think about it in a way he had been refusing to. It wasn't an easy question, and she did not require an easy answer, but it was a question that needed to be answered all the same. It was a question she had to ask herself as well. Was she okay with never knowing whose it was?
Solas appeared taken aback by the question. It was clear that he had not thought about it that way. After a long pause he finally answered. "I want children," Solas said, "I do not wish to go through the pain of losing another before it ever has a chance to live."
"What if we tried again later?" Elyssa offered a flimsy solution, "would you be okay with that?" Solas appeared taken aback by the question. It was clear that he had not thought about it that way.
Solas took a deep breath, his face a mask of thought. "Elyssa, I can not say that it would be easy to raise this child should it prove to be his. I will not lie and say I could ever be happy about it. What I will say is that I do not want to go through what I did with Andruil," he squeezed her hand gently, shooting a wave of comfort through her while simultaneously taking comfort from her. "I understand this circumstance is different," he said, "but that possibility, that risk that it was mine but I would never know, will haunt me."
"I understand," Elyssa nodded. She did, truly, understand. She didn't want Justice's child anymore than he did. But the idea of not knowing for certain that was the life she was terminating would haunt her just as much. She needed to know. She didn't want to let Justice win. She didn't want him to have a grip on her anymore than he already did. Killing his baby, was giving him just that. Was giving her something else she would regret because of him. She didn't deserve that, she already had so much she needed to work through because of Justice. This child didn't deserve that, it was innocent no matter who's it was.
"You need to know where I stand either way," Solas said, " but I love you, and I will support you no matter which you decide."
Elyssa pulled Solas into her embrace, a relieved breath escaping her. Solas squeezed her with comforting pressure. It was a weight lifted off of her to know she wasn't alone, she wasn't going to be abandoned once again. She had finally made her decision and for once wasn't doubting it.
"I want to keep it, Solas," she whispered into his shoulder, "I couldn't bear the thought of ending the life of our child before it ever had a chance."
"I understand, vhenan," Solas rubbed her back soothingly, "we will do this together."
Elyssa smiled weakly at him. Yes, they would face what was to come together. And one way or the other, they would deal with the decision they had made.