A/N: I know my updates have been sporadic to say the least. I promise you I have not forgotten or given up on any of them. Life has just decided to rear its head and get in the way. I have recently started a new job and placed back on rookie status. I can't even begin to describe how strange it feels to have to follow someone around that has only 4 years experience in a uniform and to top it off I'm almost old enough to be her mother. Talk about full circle. I will go ahead and give everyone the warning starting in Jan. I will be starting college as well. Time to finish out that Bachelors, especially since it comes with a nice pay raise and bigger advancement opportunities. I'm not an officer who will sit at the bottom of the pole to long.

I know some wasn't too happy with the cheating aspect of this story but in the real world Officers have some of the highest infidelities rate there is. Let's face facts our jobs takes us away from our families and the craving of another human's touch is something that we all want no matter how long we try to deny it. And this is based off my buddy who was in the accident. I am happy to say he is healing quite nicely and him and his wife are actually sitting and talking things out. I hate that it took something this drastic to open their eyes but sometimes our worlds need to be shook to realize what we have.

I sit here and stare at the bleak walls of the waiting room I have been shown. The depressing and somber atmosphere matches my mood perfectly. It's a mood I've maintained for the last year and a half not something that has occurred because of tonight's events. If anything, tonight's events have only worsened my mood.

A noise to my right catches my attention and I turn to see a young blonde in scrubs walking into the room to talk to another family. It doesn't escape my attention that she's your type and if you had been sitting by me you would have been checking her out. You always did have a weakness for blondes.

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I realize that for as much as you always looked at other women I never once questioned or doubted your faithfulness to me. People would always ask why wasn't I worried or why didn't I say something to you about it. I never saw a point when I knew without a doubt that you would never jeopardize or ruin what we had. It's ironic that I, the one who never looked at another woman, was the one who ended up destroying our marriage.

I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes. I allow my mind to once again to drift to the night I broke your heart in a way I never thought would happen.

"Want to tell me why the long face?"

"Rough week at the office" I answer as I look up into a pair of steel gray eyes. The way they bored into me was almost like they were trying to see deep into my soul.

"How about you let me buy you another drink" She says as she leans forward and brushes my hair behind my ears.

I knew the second she brushed my hair back I should have paid my tab and left but instead I smiled and motioned for the bartender to bring me another Gin and Tonic.

We spent the next couple of hours laughing and talking about anything and everything over drinks. When they announced closing time she offered to walk me home. I had told her thank you but you were waiting at home for me. That was when she stepped closer to me and offered to rent us a room for the night.

I started to decline and go home but there was something in the way she was looking at me. I just couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have her fuck me. So I looped my arm through hers and allowed her to lead the way.

It wasn't until I was on the bed with my back arched up as she pushed two fingers deep into me that I realized the full weight of my mistake. I dressed as quickly and quietly as I could and left with tears streaming down my face.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I get home and realized that you were still at the precinct. I shed my clothes and jumped into a shower so hot that it burned my skin. Even after my shower I can still fell her on me and smell her. I know the second you come home you will too but you don't.

It's almost a month before I can't take it anymore and confess everything too you. When I tell you that I allowed a complete stranger not only buy me several drinks but take me back to a motel room all you do is sit there.

You sit there and stare at the ground unable to look at me as I tell you I have slept with a total stranger. Without raising your head you ask me why and I can't answer that question without breaking your heart.

How do I tell you that I slept with this woman because I craved the touch of another person? That no matter how much I understand your dedication to your work that I need and want you home. That I hate myself for wanting to ask you to choose between the job you were born to do and me.

I can't tell you any of that so instead I lie. I tell you the excuse that has been going around since the beginning of time; that it was a one night stand that happened after too many drinks. It meant nothing, which is ironically the truth. She meant nothing to me.

You raise your head slowly and stare deep into my eyes. I can tell that you don't believe me and you know I'm lying. A part of me hopes that you will stand up and yell at me, hell maybe even raise your hand as if to strike me but I know you won't.

"I love you Alex" You say as you stand tears pouring down your face. When you continue to speak I can hear the pain in your voice "If you weren't happy you could have just told me. I would never force you to stay. Your happiness is the most important thing to me and you should have known that."

Hearing those words cause me to fall to the ground and sob uncontrollably. I start to curl up into a tight ball when I feel strong arms wrap around me and lift me off the ground. I open my eyes to see yours staring at me. You carry me to the couch and gently set me down. Your care and concern is more than I deserve and I have to fight the urge to reach forward and pull your gun from your hip. I have never wanted to kill myself as badly as I do now.

"I'm going to pack a bag and leave" You tell me as you brush my hair from my eyes. "I'll be at the precinct tonight and from there I don't know. I can't be in the same house with you at the moment, I'm sorry."

I nod in understanding even though I don't understand why you are leaving. I'm the one who cheated, the one who broke our vows not you. I should be the one tossed out on the street not you, even though this is my apartment. I deserve to be sleeping on the streets with the trash because that's what I am, trash.

"Alex" you call my name as you stand at the door no longer able to look at me and I don't blame you. Hell, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror "I'm sorry I pushed you to someone else's arms."

With those final words you walked out of my life.