I'm going through several case files when I hear you start to stir again. You are in and out of conscious because of the pain meds they have you on. Each time you wake up I have to inform you of what has happened and each time I do, a little piece of me dies. I set my files to the side and stand so that you can see me in hopes of avoiding you panicking like you did last time.

I gingerly reach out and take your hand in mine. The once strong fingers seem almost frail to me. Your olive tone skin seems almost as pale as mine. When you finally stop moving in your sleep I place your hand back on the bed and turn back toward my chair. I'm only a step away from the bed when I hear you cry out for Rebecca.

I drop to my knees and bite the back of my hand to keep from crying out loud. If I thought seeing her in person was bad hearing you cry for her is even worse. It is then that I decide to be the bigger woman. I retrieve the bag of your belongings and search for your phone.

My hands are shaking as I power it on. As the screen lights up I'm prepared to see a photo of you and her together. Maybe some picture of you kissing her as she snaps a photo or maybe one with your arms around her smiling.

But it's not a picture of you and her I see

It's a picture of us.

Our wedding day to be exact.

I wasn't prepare for that and it takes my breath away.

It's not until I hear your voice that I realize you are awake and watching me.

"You were so beautiful" you say through clenched teeth.

I look up suddenly and the tears falls from my eyes. I see a flash of pain in your eyes and your face contorts with concern and pain. You don't need this right now or ever for that matter. It almost seems as if whatever I try to do to help you I end up causing you even more pain. I close my eyes and try my best to reign my emotions in.

"You were calling out for Rebecca" I say my voice cracking at the mention of her name. For some unknown reason I feel as if I have to explain why I not only have your phone but why I was about to call her. "I was going to find her number and call her for you."

I've never had to explain my actions before but now I feel the need to explain why I even pick up your hospital gown. It's not as if you ask me my every move because you don't, not even with your eyes. In truth the rare times you are awake and somewhat lucid you barely look at me or talk to me.

"I'm sorry" you mumble as you look away once again.

I have no clue why you are apologizing to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. Although I on the other hand should be sorry for my very existence in your life.

I stand on shaking legs and slowly make my way to the bed. I swallow past the lump in my throat and force myself to take a deep breath.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." I finally force myself to say in the steadiest voice I can muster. I on the other hand have more to apologize for than any one person. "You are with her now and would like to see her." I close my eyes so that you can't see the pain in my eyes even though I know you can hear it in my voice. "I understand and respect that."

I place the phone gently on your chest and turn to walk out of the room because I know that if I am in there for much longer I will completely lose it and that's the last thing you need. You have always been the type to put the needs and feelings of others before yourself and I know you would do whatever it took to soothe me.

As much as I would love to have your arms around me and you placing a gentle kiss on the top of my head like old times. I can't allow it because I don't deserve your love or sympathy. As much as I hate to admit it maybe Rebecca is the best thing for you. Hopefully she won't put you through the hell I have. I can promise you that if she does, I will gladly spend the rest of my life in prison for killing her.

As I reach the door I chance a look back at you. You have what has to be the saddest eyes I have ever seen in my life.

"Olivia, believe me its ok." I lie hoping that you believe it but I know you don't. "I'm going to give you some privacy so that you can talk with her. Once you are done and are ready for me to come back just text me. I'll stay with you till she gets here and then I'll leave."

I walk out of the room and head for the stairs. I have to at least get off the floor before I lose it and waiting for the slow elevator would not accomplish that. I know that if I break down on the floor you would know and try to get to me. I push the door open and jog down the stairs. I can't hold back anymore as I hit the second landing and I slide down the wall crying.

I let go of everything I have been holding in for the last few days. All my fear of losing you, the pain of what I have put you through, the pain you are going through, and the pain that is yet to come.

Once I have composed myself I stand back up and take in a breath, I start to walk back up when I hear my phone go off. I don't have to pull it out to know it's you messaging me. I had assigned you a specific ringtones throughout our relationship. As juvenile as it sounds I started with Invisible Man by 98 degrees.

What can I say it fit us to a tee. You were in a relationship when I came to work with the unit and once we became friends you would often share your happy moments with her and the heartbreak she sometimes left you with. Every time you left I would play that song and pray that one day you would look at me that way but I knew you wouldn't. Or at least I didn't think you would. Then one day you were at my apartment crying about how she had told you she was tired of playing second to the job. In a moment of stupidity or blind courage I leaned forward and kissed you. Turned out to be the best decision of my life.

As we started dating and I could tell this was something that was going to last. Your ringtone was switched to Amazed by Lonestar. I lost count of how many times we danced to it in my living room.

Then the day you asked me to marry you I switched it over to You're my first, my last, my everything by Barry White. Once you discovered that I had switched your ringtone once again and what it was you insisted that it was the first song we dance to at our reception. Who was I to tell you no especially since I knew you were my first, my last, my everything.

In the last year I have switched your ringtone to What I really Meant to Say by Cyndi Thomas. It's a real tear jerker and one that I listen too nightly, especially if I have ran into you at work. It says everything I want to say but can't every time I see you.

I am almost to the landing of your floor when the phone goes off again. I haven't answered your first message and honestly I'm scared too. I'm terrified that if I do it will be you asking me not to return. Steadying myself for the Dear John text, I swipe my finger across my phone screen to open it up. My whole body trembles as I read what you have written to me and without a second thought I'm out of the stairwell and at a dead run to your room.

I bust through your door and stop so fast I almost fall face first onto the ground. You are laying in the bed just as I had left you. Your brown orbs that are full of pain look at me and for the first time I see a spark of light in them. It's the same light that used to be in your eyes when you looked at me but not as bright.

I watch your face contort with pain as you reach out for me with your left hand. Without a second thought I am by your side holding your hand in mine. I try to keep them steady but I can't. There is a part of me that is waiting for you to tell me you were just kidding. That you wanted to toy with my heart and shatter it the way I did yours. I know it's an irrational fear because you would never be that cold and heartless to me or anyone else for that matter. You have spent your entire life taking on everyone else's pain and trying your best not to inflict it.

I brush your hair back that has fallen into your eyes and take a calming breath in.

"I was giving you privacy so you could call Rebecca" I remind you. Since your accident you are having problems with your short term memory. The doctor says that once the bruising subsides your memory should return to normal "I wasn't leaving you. I'll wait until she gets here before I leave. You will not be alone while you are here."

Then I hear what could possibly be the sweetest words I could ever hear at that moment in time.

"I don't want Rebecca here. I want you."