I'm sitting there going over a case file while you watch TV when I hear the words I never wanted to hear 'Why did you cheat on me?'. I knew they were coming at some point and I would have to answer them but I had hoped that it wouldn't be this soon. Not two weeks after I have confessed that I want to work everything out and to be with you. Not before I knew we had a strong enough foundation to touch on this subject. Certainly not two weeks after I almost lost you and still feel like in any moment you could be gone from me.

"Hey Alex" I hear you call me trying to get my attention. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly as I turn to face you and I can't help but smile. You look so at home and relax sitting in the recliner I have bought you in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and ragged NYPD T-shirt. You're barefoot with your legs crossed at the ankle and whether you realize it or not you are bouncing your foot back and forth to a tune that only you can hear.

"Why are you staring at me like you want to jump me and devour me?" You ask as you wince in pain. You try your best to hide your pain from me but I know it's there and that's when I snap out of my trance.

"Because you look so fucking hot just sitting there watching TV" I answer smiling even broader at the truth in my statement to her. I have always found her beautiful and my desire level for her has always been through the roof but since I told her I wanted no more secrets between us and have stuck with that my desire has hit levels I had never known possible. It's almost as if being honest with her and truly opening myself up to the chance of total destruction caused by her is a huge turn on.

"Yeah a wired jaw is a huge turn on" You say as you look away from me. I know it bothers you more than you let on that you are dependent on me.

"The fact that you are alive and sitting in that chair is a huge turn on to me." I whisper as I scoot closer to the end of the couch so that I am closer to her. I want to run my hands all over her body but I'm terrified of the pain I may cause if I do so I have resorted to running my hands up and down my legs. Taking a deep breath I wait till you are looking at me before I speak again "Is this something you want to discuss right now?"

I watch you swallow as you close your eyes. I can see that you are torn about wanting to know and not wanting to know why I allowed another woman to touch me. There's no doubt in my mind you have asked yourself a million times what wasn't you giving me. I know this because I have been cheated on and that was the question that constantly ran through my mind. I reach out and carefully take your hand in mine as I think of a way to form the words I never wanted to say. Hell I never thought I would have to say to you.

"I cheated on you because I longed for the touch of another person." I finally say as I realize there really is no way to sugar coat what needs to be said. "I wanted you here but I had no clue how to tell you that without hurting you or feel like I was hurting you."

"Sorry" You mumbled as you glance down at your lap.

"Don't be sorry" I say as I dart my head down so I can look into your eyes "I fell in love with the woman who fought hard for the victims. I fell in love with the woman who gave everyone every bit of herself and never asked for anything in return. I fell in love with the woman who never once thought about putting herself in harm's way so that another would go home safe."

I laugh as I hear you tell me that's your job. Yes, it is your job but it is so much of who you are as a person and you don't realize it. It is so much of the reason why you hold my heart. I have no doubt in my mind that I was lost to you forever the first time I ever watched you work with a child. The patience, love and understanding that was displayed was not something that could be forced or faked. As wrong as it was at the time it was a huge turn on.

"I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the first date and I knew the hand I was playing when I said I do. I thought I could handle it but sometimes the desire and need for the touch of another was too much. I know I could have told you at any moment but I never wanted you to think that I was having you choose between the job and me."

"I would have always chosen you." You say as you smile, which is more of a grimace than a smile.

I close my eyes to the pain that I hear in your answer. It's not just the pain from the accident but from what I have done as well.

"I know but I swore I would never do that. Too many past lovers have done that too you and I wasn't about too. I thought I could handle it till that night at the bar."

"Why her?"

"Honestly Olivia I don't know" I answer her truthfully as I rack my brain trying to figure out why her "All I know is she paid attention to me and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and it wasn't work related. Before I knew it I had drunk too much and when she offered to get a motel room I agreed. It wasn't until I was in the bed with her that the full weight of my fuck up hit me."

I watch her turn away and I can tell by the shaking of her shoulders she is crying and trying her best to control it. I am so caught up in my own thoughts that I miss her next question and I have to ask her to repeat it.

"Was she better than me?"

"God no" I say without hesitation. No one has ever been as in tuned to my body as she had been. "No one has ever and no one will ever please me the way that you have. You know my body inside and out and have since that first night together."

I see you smile and a little light sparkle in your eyes that it causes me to laugh. I know that at this moment despite the fact that you aren't doing it you're poking your chest out at this knowledge. If you were the type of woman to kiss and tell the guys would be high fiving you and buying you drinks. But your respect for me, or any woman, would never allow you to do that but the knowledge is still a boost to your ego.

"Olivia," I say as I lean forward and kiss you on the forehead "I love you and when I say she meant nothing to me that is the honest to god truth. I have hated myself every moment since that night for what I did and if I could turn back time I would never do it. But I can't and you can't dwell on the past either. The only thing you can do is learn from it and make your relationship stronger."

"Just so you know I will always want to kick her ass" You tell me as you squeeze my hand.

I can't help but laugh again because I know this is your way of closing the subject at the moment. You have to process the information I have given you and work it out in your head. At some point you will come back to me and state what you have say and how you feel but I know it won't be at this moment. There is no doubt in my mind when the time comes what you have to say will cut me to the bone but I also know that in the end we will come out stronger. We will be where we need to be.