Won't somebody Help me.
Gimme Gimme Chapter Three.
Daphne was trying to eat breakfast – A bowl of 'Witch-Go' the latest nutritionally complete food for witches. It looked like oatmeal and tasted like sick. But as the cauldron she tried to make porridge in had cracked, 'Witch-Go' it was, till she got some time off to get another cauldron. And possibly some long-life bread, as emergency supplies. And then a ghostly silver stag leapt through the wall of her flat.
The stag advanced to Daphne, opened it's mouth and instead of a roar; Harry Potter's voice said "Sorry to interrupt your morning, but I need your help. Please floo to Number twelve Grimmauld place, and come to the fourth floor. I'm in the bathroom."
Daphne stared at the stag, which started to evaporate.
A Patronus charm. Sending a message. But why? Sure he … wasn't… surely not. He didn't seem like that sort of man.
Still, she flooed as directed, and exited the fireplace into Potter's rather disreputable kitchen.
The staircase to the ground floor was too narrow, and needed to be repainted. There was a large sheet of muggle ply-wood screwed to the wall where a painting could conceivably have hung. The stairs wound up and, and the second floor, unlike the first floor, was a maze of small halls and bedroom doors. Daphne continued upwards, and the third floor smelt of mothballs. The fourth floor… had a large landing and identical doors on identical walls, to the left and right – the right side one open into a messy bedroom. Ahead of her, across the landing though, was a door that from its size and location, screamed 'bathroom.' She knocked.
"Hello!" Potter called out through the door.
She opened the door and looked into a very masculine bathroom, which smelt of… soap, not cologne. Harry Potter was sitting on the toilet, his shirt arranged to cover the essentials, his trousers and pants down. He blushed at the sight of her, and smiled awkwardly.
A copy of the Daily Prophet lay on the floor. It could have usefully covered his lap.
"Potter?" asked Daphne.
"There's something attached to the loo" said Harry "I'm figuring booby trap. And I expect getting up will set it off."
"Right" said Daphne "You do realise that I'm … I work in records, I'm not a curse-breaker?"
"Yes, but also, you aren't stupid" said Harry "And I've saved you enough times. Turn-about is fair play."
"Excuse me, did you suddenly become a Hufflepuff?" asked Daphne.
"No" said Harry "But more importantly, Ron's on night shift, and I would NEVER hear the end of it, and I'm not getting Hermione over for this."
"Not getting Granger over, how considerate." said Daphne.
"Well, she's really bad in emergencies" said Harry, and he sighed "Tends to freeze up"
"One sympathises" said Daphne. She eyed his knobbly knees. And his slightly hairy thighs.
And looked down at his toilet. Which looked quite normal. If a bit vintage.
"Why do you think there's something attached to it?" asked Daphne.
"I um, dropped the paper, and when I felt for it, I felt a box on the side of the loo" said Potter.
Daphne lay on the floor and looked across the black and white tiles. On the side of the porcelain bowl, under the seat, with a decidedly trigger-ey looking finger touching the seat, was a black box.
"Oh" said Daphne "There is a box on the side of the bowl, with a trigger to the seat."
"How absolutely brilliant" said Potter, and he sounded more sarcastic than Professor Snape.
"How would anyone get in to your house to plant this?" asked Daphne, drawing her wand, still on the floor.
"There are a surprising number of people included in the old fidelius as secret keepers, and there's apparently a problem with dispelling a fidelius with multiple secret-keepers." said Potter.
Daphne had to control herself, to resist getting up to go look that up. It sounded fascinating.
"But surely you can change the floo password?" asked Daphne.
"Did, but some Death Eaters knew where the house was in the war, so there… are some undesirable people who can get in … if the security doesn't work." said Potter.
"Normal people cast Cave Imicium" said Daphne. "You know, block those inimical to the caster."
"And based on your description, this may have been set by a patsy. If they think it's just a joke, for a birthday, practically anyone can get past Cave Imicium" said Harry.
Daphne gaped at Potter. That was a groundbreaking result in protective charms.And made a certain logical sense, when you thought about it.
"How do you know that?" she asked.
"Auror" said Potter "You know, tracking down dark wizards, and the odd dangerous dark creature. It was the M.O. for an assassination last year."
Potter looked thoughtful "Never did get to the bottom of the whole Beast of Caernabog mess." he added, then he frowned "S'pose it'll be this year too, if I die here."
"Oh come off it!" said Daphne "Harry Potter die on a loo!"
"Well, barring dying of a trap, an elderly Harry Potter might well die on the loo" said Harry "We've had to open the odd locked mansion that had a single old, dead person on the loo."
"Right" said Daphne, and she stood up and considered the situation. If Potter stood up, the booby-trap would go off. But he couldn't sit there forever. So either she had to disarm a booby-trap. She frowned at the thought – that wasn't something she thought she might do well at, or get Potter out of the way.
"Potter?" asked Daphne "Can one apparate inside your house?"
"Um" said Potter "Yes. But I'm not standing up."
"But I am." said Daphne.
"Um" said Potter, and he blushed "I would fall over with nothing on" he said.
"Noted" said Daphne, and she considered disarming, or otherwise removing the bobby-trap.
"Potter?" asked Daphne, "What if I banished it?"
Potter looked up at her, "Can you banish things and have them not pass through the space in-between?" he asked, as if that was sensible question.
"Don't be silly." said Daphne.
"Um, but I've seen people summon things without them passing through the space in-between" said Harry.
"Whom?"
"Um… Professor Dumbledore" said Potter, and Daphne had to resist smiling at his implicit compliment, and also, resist making a note of that immediately. She settled for rolling her eyes. Nobody would know.
"Apparation on three" said Daphne "I will apparate you to your kitchen."
"Wait a minute!" said Potter. "Put up some shields first! This is my bathroom."
"Potter, the building being demolished would be an improvement." said Daphne.
"I live here" said Potter. "It's roomy, and… not the ruin of my parents house."
"My flat is better" said Daphne.
"Your flat had lethifolds. Here, the worst we ever found was… well ignoring one special case, a ghoul. It was in the um, second floor loo. And the um, first floor loo has a weird glowing blue fungus." Potter babbled.
Daphne felt that deserved a single eyebrow lift. Sadly, she'd never mastered the art. "Quite" she said instead.
"But seriously, shields." said Harry.
Daphne mentally reviewed the standard list of shields from work, and started casting. Four spells in Potter said "What the hell was that!"
"A specialised shield for noxious fumes" said Daphne, "busy. Talk later."
Having to do the walls, ceiling, and floor took an annoyingly long time.
"Charm the fittings imperturbable, will you?" asked Potter, remarkably cogently. "Otherwise I'm down to just the third floor loo."
Daphne huffed in annoyance – he was as fussy as her supervisor – and did as he asked. And for good measure, charmed the window unbreakable, for a little while anyway.
"Right" said Daphne "Apparating on three. I will, of course, close my eyes. You, on the other hand, will cover yourself. Once you have done so, you will tell me."
"Right" said Potter, and he held up an arm.
Daphne stepped closer, and caught sight of his worryingly utilitarian pants. Grey. Really.
She held his warm, dry, slightly calloused hand, and mentally reviewed the location of the kitchen.
And had a sudden misgiving. "Potter?" she said letting his arm go "Just checking I can apparate." she said, and disapparated. The kitchen was as she remembered it, and no anti-apparation charm or enchantment had stopped her. She apparated back to where she'd just been.
Potter was staring, wide-eyed
"Oh god! You're back!" he exclaimed. "Thought you'd left." he added.
"Checking I could apparate. The last thing I need is to find out we could apparate just enough to let the booby-trap off, and not far enough to get out of the room." said Daphne.
Potter frowned, the nodded "Good thinking" he said, closed his eyes and took a few slow, deep breaths. Was Harry Potter actually worried? He was Harry bleeding Potter! Slayer of Dark Lords!
"Arm!" said Daphne, and he put his arm up again.
"Three, two, one!" said Daphne, and she twisted on the spot.
Side-along apparating Potter was fairly easy, and she closed her eyes as she did.
Potter dragged her over as he fell, the house shook, in time with a loud boom, and he cursed loudly.
Daphne fell backwards, nearly hit her head on the floor, bumped her elbow quite painfully, and ended up tangled up with Potter on the floor. He was a heavy, awkward, bony weight.
"Shit" she said, and opened her eyes. Potter was lying over her legs, and was not decent. She rubbed her elbow, and looked away. "For God's sake cover up!" she said. And if that was Harry Potter's manhood, the rumours were exaggerations.
"Sorry" said Potter.
He got off her legs, then, a few moments later he said "I'm um, decent."
Daphne opened her eyes, and Potter was standing up, and looking at her with a slight frown "You're very good at shields." he said. Dust had been shaken off the ceiling beams, and a hanging pot had fallen onto the tiles, cracking, and chipping the tile.
Daphne stood up and rubbed her elbow. Not broken.
"Okay" said Potter "Probably should go check that – "
"Merlin!" Daphne exclaimed "How did you live this long? Get someone from Accidents and Catastrophes in. They can check for poisons, spores… all the horrid stuff."
Potter's lips had pressed into a thin line.
But he did floo-call the Auror office, and get a team to come over.
Time passed – and the situation was 'contained' according to the wizard from Accidents and Catastrophes, though, "You will need to get new towels, toothbrush… everything but the porcelain."
Daphne signed the T-34B form for Potter as the witness.
And they left, saying "Well, today was your lucky day, Mr Potter."
Potter waited till they were gone in green flames and said "About the usual actually."
"Potter?" asked Daphne.
"Um yeah?" asked Potter.
"Why did you send a patronus with a message to me, of all people?" she asked.
"Well, I knew you'd be awake, you don't work shifts, and you're not bad with your wand, and importantly, I'm used to being in small, domestic disasters with you" said Potter, and he blushed.
Daphne felt her cheeks heating up. Merlins's saggy pants, Potter really had the worst line in… talking. Implying that they… anything. It was all true, of course, and he might get a little suspicious that someone that worked in Records was good at advanced spell analysis, but… he knew nothing about it. It would be fine. As long as her sister didn't hear about it from anyone. Ever. Daphne resolved to take a look at the safety data sheet for the Fidelius charm – she could use that to conceal the event. Potter wouldn't talk.
"Right" said Daphne "If you'll excuse me, I'm going off to be late for work."
"Thanks" said Potter, with a slight smile "Thanks for helping me."
"Well, it'd be an ignominious end to have your erm, end blown off by a toilet bomb" said Daphne. "And you're still ahead on after midnight call-outs."
"That" said Potter tiredly, rubbing his back "is my job. But I'm getting too old for this shit."
"What?" asked Daphne sharply, startled at his profanity.
"I'm not twenty any more" said Harry. "There was a time I used to think this sort of thing was fun."
"When?" asked Daphne, lifting one eyebrow.
Potter looked thoughtful and admitted "Well, it was nerve-wracking as a child, of course, but after the war, as an Auror, I was doing good, making people feel safe. Now I'm just saving witches from lethifolds."
Daphne lifted both eyebrows "Really, plural? Two stray lethifolds, does that mean – "
"I meant… metaphorically" said Potter. "I've been thinking about quitting, actually."
"Quitting?" asked Daphne "You?"
"Well, not completely, just… not being an Auror. Professor McGonagall wants me to teach Defence." said Harry "And I expect markedly less attacks on my life doing that."
"You can't quit," said Daphne, "what will I do after midnight when I'm attacked by something strange!"
"Well, calming draughts for your sister'd be a good start" quipped Potter.
'Not that I need Auror Potter to be safe at night or anything. I've just had a run of bad luck and a slightly insane sister,' thought Daphne. 'Besides, Astoria can't tolerate another potion in the treatment regimen she is on.'
It wasn't till after Daphne had gone back to her flat that she remembered about the curse on the Defence against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts.
Bother.
And she was hugely late for work too.