Hello, reader:
I initially began writing & publishing Love, Interrupted several years ago. Life happened & I stopped writing it. With only a few chapters left before it was completed, I pulled it from this site.
Long story short: I recently had some downtime in between projects & found the story in my iBooks. I read it & wanted to know how it ended.
If you were around back when the story was a WIP, & want to read again, I've done a moderate amount of housecleaning & some re-writes - nothing that changed the original story. If you have it as an epub or pdf you will know the changes.
If you weren't around when I was writing it before & give it a chance, thank you.
FYI: The story is complete
My Elena is more like the snake in the grass that James wrote her to be in Darker. She's not an over
the top caricature as she is in some stories
Jack Hyde does not have a past with Christian Grey
No cheating & HEA
I own nothing but my mistakes.
_Chapter One
~Christian~
"Anastasia, are you willing to share your thoughts? I'd suppose it was a surprise that Christian contacted you and invited you to dinner? Do you have anything that you'd you like to say about that? Would you like to share your reaction to what he has told you?"
John's voice was kind and gentle while he patiently coaxed Ana to acknowledge what I had anxiously revealed to her.
I sat on one of John's forest green, tufted couches, hoping that my body language radiated sincerity. Trying not to gawk at her, I looked everywhere, but at Ana. I examined every crease in John's curtains and every book on his massive bookshelves. I knew I couldn't afford to appear the slightest bit intimidating.
Nervously, I listened to the clock ticking as several torturous minutes passed. Ana was sitting beside me in a pale green winged back chair. A table holding a lamp and a box of tissues separated us. The guilt and pain set in when I saw one of Ana's delicate hands reach for several tissues.
John gazed at Ana with compassion and cocked his head slightly. Ana remained silent.
"May I presume that you're upset and overwhelmed, Anastasia? You told Christian the only way you would speak with him was in a neutral setting, along with someone to facilitate your conversation." John stopped and rubbed his chin. He was watching Anastasia closely.
Allow me to reassure you that are in a safe place and can say whatever you wish. Christian wants to know how you honestly feel. Are you comfortable enough to do that?" John asked, ignoring my presence.
Finally, Ana responded. Her voice was strong, and once again, I remembered how much I had missed hearing it.
"Dr. Flynn, I'm not upset, per se. I am, however, confused. Well, dumbfounded is a more accurate description." Surprising me, Ana moved in such a way that we were facing one another. Her blue eyes were clear and sharp, and they pinned me to the sofa. I swallowed, hard. Her every word would shape my future.
"Christian, your words. . . um. . . declaring that you have feelings for me, insofar as telling me that you're in love with me… Each word contradicts your actions of the past month." Ana turned her head, quickly glanced at John, and then faced me again.
"I don't feel overwhelmed in the slightest. I only question if you have a hidden agenda. What do you want from me now, Christian?" Ana regarded me warily, her face tired and forlorn. I wanted a to self-flagellate knowing that I was the reason she looked so pained.
John raised an eyebrow and turned his unyielding stare at me. Those brown eyes of his were sending an unspoken message: be honest with her. You have but one chance, Grey, so don't blow it. I bowed my head. A plethora of atrocious outcomes rested heavily on my mind. Shit, I thought I had this all planned out.
I inhaled deeply and prepared to excoriate myself again so Ana would believe how I felt about her. I had felt this way for a while, yet remained too blinded by hovering ghosts to admit it. I had to throw my fear away, and tell her once more that I loved her and was disgusted with how I'd treated her.
If I'd lost Ana's fledgling love for me, I at least hope that she'd forgive me.
I raised my head to find that Ana was resolutely staring at me, as usual, I couldn't tell what she was thinking. She looked at me expectantly. I scooted closer to the edge of the couch so Ana could have a full look at me. She had to have clear access to the honesty on my face, and close enough to hear the truth pour out of my mouth. I had to convince her that I was serious and I wanted a relationship on her terms and that I would never hurt her again. She had to believe that I would do anything to have her in my life.
I would do anything and everything she asked of me.
"Ana, I don't have an agenda. Well, other than regaining your trust, and another chance with you. I know that my words contradict the loathsome ways that I treated you, and I'll never forgive myself for that." I stopped talking and rigorously scrubbed my face. I hoped that I could get through this again without my desperation ruining it.
"I've told you the truth, Ana," I continued. "I'm so fucking sorry for my behavior and that I hurt you. I'm so god damned sorry for the ways I hurt you emotionally, and physically. I knew that I felt something different with you, but I just never wanted to examine it because I was too fucking afraid. When we were together, John tried to tell me that my confusion over my feelings for you was the proof that I was falling in love with you. I thought what he was saying was bullshit." I had to stop and pull a large gulp from my bottled water. I hoped my shaking hands went unnoticed.
"I always equated love with the horrid and beastly," I went on. "I knew how I had lived my life, and never thought it was possible to change. . . I never considered changing. But you fell into my universe and life as I knew it changed. You've changed me and I will never be the same. I don't have any doubts that I'm willing to change for you. I'm sorry for the way I acted when you told me that you'd fallen in love with me." I go to loosen my tie and then realize I'm not wearing one.
"I've spent my life feeling unlovable, and that I couldn't love another person. Regardless of how it tore my heart out when you left me. I never considered a life without BDSM. Ana, it took that morning for me to admit you didn't deserve what I wanted from you. And you sure as fuck didn't deserve a man like me. I know I'm probably rambling, Ana…I know you're ambivalent about everything—"
Ana threw her hands up, her palms facing me, and I immediately shut up. A glare was marring her face.
"Ambivalent, Christian? I'm not ambivalent in the least. Do you want to know what I am? Do you want to hear about my filthy confessions?" she snapped at me. Despite fighting with myself, my calm exterior began to feel as though it was crumbling. I was dreading what she'd say.
I silently nodded for Ana to continue.
"I am hurt, embarrassed, disgusted. . . humiliated," Ana began, her voice cracking. "Although I'm now harnessed by these feelings, they weren't brought about by you, Christian. No, I invited each of those shit stained feelings into my life when I said that I would try your submissive shit. I knew that I was far from being pliant, docile, subdued. . . all those lovely synonyms you emailed me when you were trying to sell me on the joys of being your submissive. Had you taken off your Dom-colored glasses in the early days of getting to know me, you would have known that I am simply shy… I have insecurities that intimidating people and certain situations can bring out. You shouldn't haven't misconstrued those traits and believed I was submissive," Anastasia divulged, tears were streaming down her face.
"I was physically attracted to you from the moment we met, and it was a new feeling tome and one that left me flustered. You only saw my behavior fitting for what you wanted, and without regard for me. You saw me as a challenge that you could break down, and build back as the Christian Grey version, didn't you? she barely finished before breaking down.
Ana began to sob so hard that John called for his secretary to bring her some water, and gave her a box of tissues. I wanted to take her into my arms and comfort her, to kiss her head, and tell her what she believed wasn't true; however, I couldn't, and had to bear witness to what a selfish piece of shit inflicted on another person. I sat, resigned that Ana would never forgive me, or give me another chance, and a defeated piece of my new-found soul knew that she shouldn't. I watched Ana's chest heave frantically while she wept, furiously attempting to regain her self-control while John knelt beside her, speaking to her in a hushed voice. The guilt intensified. It began to burn through my skin.
After what seemed like forever, John calmed Ana down. I had reservations we should continue and
watched Ana down her bottled water. I cut her off before she could resume speaking.
"Ana, please believe I didn't intend on bringing you here to upset you any further. Watching your distress is unsettling," I said wearily. "Perhaps we should continue our discussion another day…or not at all," I reasoned, only to be met with Ana stubbornly raising her chin in defiance.
"No. I'm saying this. I need to tell you so I can get it off my chest. You've had Dr. Flynn to discuss your shit with, while I've been sitting in an empty apartment, denied the opportunity to work through my pain with anyone because of you and your precious NDA. No, Christian, you've had your time on the floor and I'd appreciate my own."
"Anastasia, are you sure that you'd like to continue? I tend to agree with Christian on this. This wasn't meant to distress you," John replied, compassionately.
Ana nodded. "I've been waiting a while to say all of this to Christian, and I refuse to squander this opportunity," she said sardonically and looked me straight in the eyes. "Christian, when I described feeling hurt and embarrassed, I didn't mean that's how you made me feel." She inhales deeply and squares her shoulders.
"I'm wracked with those feelings because of what I allowed myself to do, and what I partook in. I couldn't make any sense of falling in love with you, and being terrified of you at the same time. It was a paradox—"
Her words stole my breath. Terrified of me?
"Wait a minute. Hold up," I muttered, shaking my head in confusion as I interrupted her. "I terrified you? I don't understand, Ana."
"Christian, let us allow Anastasia to finish her thoughts. You can ask her to elaborate afterward if she's willing." John looked at me blandly and told Ana to continue.
"Yes, you terrified me, Christian. Your entire sex life terrified me and don't correct me by giving me your lecture about your 'lifestyle'. Your lectures and your packet of rules are transparent and ridiculous. Yeah, you have an alternative sex life. To each their own and all that jazz. What people like to do in private isn't my business, but you've been brainwashed to believe your sex life rules your world and is the only way you handle your life. But that calls for a private session with you and Dr. Flynn." Ana laughed bitterly,
She's visibly amused by her own beliefs about the BDSM lifestyle. I can't say it didn't irritate the fuck out of me. Being a Dominant isn't a choice that I made; I was born a Dominant. Her words piss me off. But I know to keep quiet.
"I'll rewind to how I gave in to you. How I sat back and just handed you my free will. Admittedly, I couldn't understand what a billionaire saw in me, a girl who hadn't even graduated college and shopped at Wal Mart. You remained in my thoughts because you kept popping up out of nowhere. My dumb ass hoped I was the reason you seemed to have abandoned Seattle." Ana stops and looks around the room.
"I accept the blame for seeing a charming, handsome man, and becoming entranced with him. Going for coffee and you taking an interest in my life, books worth a fortune…and what I thought was a simple date ended up being a helicopter ride to Seattle. What girl wouldn't be confused and caught away by all of that? I'm not a hypocrite or a liar, so I reiterate that I walked into that fucked up shit with my eyes wide open." Ana shakes her head and rolls her eyes.
"I was so naïve, but was easily dazzled by your wealth, the so-called glitz and glamour of a penthouse at Escala, and the next thing I knew, I was the equivalent of a bloody spot on your sheets."
"I don't see you as a naïve woman, Anastasia. During our sessions this past month, Christian has accurately portrayed the young woman who I see before me. But do you care to expound on how Christian scared you? Was it just the BDSM that you were afraid of?" John asked Ana.
My thoughts were spiraling out of control. I couldn't wrap my mind around Anastasia being afraid of me. That's bullshit, Grey. You know you to wanted to intimidate her. You fucking wanted to dominate her.
"The BDSM terrified me, and I never fully trusted Christian in his red room of pain. He couldn't see the fear in my eyes because I was always blindfolded, and I assume when the blindfold was removed, he took my tears as those of post-orgasmic euphoria," Ana spit her words and her eyes glistened with tears.
"I only say that because I never had an orgasm in your playroom. The only time I did was the first time we had sex. How does that make Sir feel? To know a woman faked it with the sub whisperer?" she says softly. "The only time I wasn't afraid when we had sex was the night I gave Christian my virginity, which was also the only time we had normal sex. Excuse me, Christian. . . I should have said vanilla sex. Christian, have you told Dr. Flynn, that save for that one night, we only engaged in BDSM sex?"
Ana's tone was unforgiving, and her glare accusatory. The fact that Anastasia had never orgasmed after our first night together left me speechless. I'd thought that Ana. . .
"Yes, Christian has." I barely heard John answer Ana.
Ana's eyes began to water again and she dabbed at them rapidly. The agony and regret Ana had accrued during our month together was all over her precious face, and so heartbreakingly painful to acknowledge.
"I was so dumb the night I gave you my virginity. I thought that would make you change, or at least, change what you wanted from me. When you first showed me the so-called playroom and told me what you wanted to do with me, my buckled from fear. And I still agreed! I was so stupid. But for those two weeks beforehand, you had made me feel differently. . . as though you liked me and enjoyed being around me." Again, Ana stops and I watch her stare at the carpet. "I naively believed you wanted to date me, even if you always make cryptic remarks about your no girlfriend clause. I should have spotted how you subtly changed that first night at your penthouse. You referred to taking my virginity as a 'situation' you needed to 'rectify'. Do you realize how that hurt me? Christian, the minute you pulled your dick out of me that night, you became so cold. I felt so used and stupid."
Guilt flooded me. Guilt. A new feeling that I' experienced in the past week and a half. I felt like hitting my head against a wall.
"You instantly became a distant asshole," she continued. "I assume that's who you really are: Christian Grey, a despotic and omnipotent Dominant. By then, I was already a goner, though. I might as well have sold my soul to the devil the night I agreed to give that submission crap a shot. All I really wanted was your time. I thought if I capitulated to what you wanted, you would develop feelings for me. I'm such an idiot."
Ana's whispered the caustic words that felt as though they'd eaten my flesh and exposed my bones.
Her pain was palpable and raw, and it filled Flynn's office. It took her several minutes to regain her composure and continue.
"The only way that I knew I might catch a scrap of your affection was to abandon my values and self-esteem and do what you wanted. And to do that, I forced myself to replay memories of the man…I initially met. But that man…Christian, I would go to Escala with an urge to vomit because I knew you only saw me as a…pet? A pet that you'd toss a Blackberry at. As the weeks went by, you made each of those scenes in your so called 'playroom' more intense, and I could feel you were barely holding your true self back. I knew you wanted to hurt me, Christian. That was what I just didn't understand about myself. I knew that you wanted to hurt me, so why was I falling in love with you?"
Long before Ana finished speaking, I had slumped back in the couch, too shocked to articulate a sentence. I felt like a dead man walking. No, I wanted to be a man, very much alive and walking head on towards an oncoming train. What had I done to this wonderful and loving young woman? There wasn't a doubt in my mind that the love Anastasia believed herself to have for me was now dead. I would never have the chance to get her back, to treat her properly, and to have a normal and loving relationship with her.
The room remained silent save for the air conditioning until Ana asked for another bottled water. I watched as she pulled her faded, navy cardigan tighter around herself, and noticed that she was shivering. John didn't seem to have any desire to break the eerie calm or stifling tension. His attention remained focused on Anastasia.
"Anastasia, do you have anything else you would like to say to Christian?" John quietly prodded. Ana stared at on something over his shoulder. Although I waited for her answer with bated breath, I was lost in the words Ana had already said. Oh, how they rightfully punished me.
"Why me?" she asked softly, startling me so much that I jumped. Ana had slid back in the chair and I could no longer see her face.
Confusion stopped my tongue. I knew damn well what Ana was asking, but I didn't know what to fucking say. I knew what I didn't want to say, though. John was watching me like a hawk and my eyes were pleading for or him to help me, guide me, or kill me. My declaration of having hidden my feelings for Ana meant nothing after everything she had said.
Leaning back in his chair, John crossed his legs and stared at me. He was telling me to shit or get off the pot and I knew it.
"Ana, I . . . I saw you, and I was instantly attracted to you. You refuse to take a compliment, but you truly are a beautiful woman. Then you opened up your lively mouth, and every witty and intelligent syllable that came out of it drew me in further. I've long since admitted that I mistakenly took your personality as submissive," I said, then deeply exhaled. "I was enthralled by you, Ana. Who couldn't be? You caught my attention, and, yes, I know that wasn't the kind of attention you wanted. But no other woman has ever caught my attention like you. No one has ever made me feel the way that you do—"
"Yes, you have already told me that." she snapped, quickly interrupting me. "I want to know how you set about to play me, and not because I want to get angry or instigate an argument. I'm sincerely curious. What was your plan? Tell me how you fucking did it. I want to hear you say it."
I didn't like those questions and wanted to tell her to stop swearing, but I held my tongue. Ana's questions felt like she was leading me down an undiscovered path, and I wasn't keen on making the trip.
John wasn't helping me out. He was waiting for me to tell her the truth. I remained mute.
"Brutal honesty, Christian. Give me this. Please, and I'll answer your question. I know that this seems like I'm trying to play a game, but I'm not. I just have to know, and Christian, you damn well know what my answer to your question is. So please, indulge me with the truth," Ana pleaded.
So, in John Flynn's office - I, Christian Grey, had to sit and quickly decide if I should give her that brutal honesty that she wanted. I couldn't tell Ana the reason I wanted her. I couldn't confess it was because she was a beautiful, petite, brunette young woman, like the previous fifteen. I couldn't tell her the ugly truth of my desires. It would disgust her, and there would be no way Ana would take me back.
"I used your naiveté against you, employing the strong, physical attraction we had for one another, and I seduced you with one purpose in mind. I recognized your inexperience and knew you hadn't explored your sexuality, and I brought out every skill I possess for the sole purpose of abusing the trust you had mistakenly placed in me. I knew you didn't stand a chance in hell when it came to resisting my advances, and after seeing how well you responded to me when I took your virginity, it was obvious that I had you in my web. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong, and that taking a person as loving and pure as you down the dark road of my life was cruel. Yet, I'm so selfish I had to have you.
You're right. I wanted to train you so you'd be my perfect sub- a sub who could satisfy my sadistic appetite," I said, self-loathing and putrid, self-hatred in my words.
The longer that I talked though, the more I realized that what I was telling Ana was the truth. I truly was a horrible person.
"Christian," John started, sounding exasperated. "You are not a sadist. I've told you; I've told you, and
I've told you. Think about it, Christian. Would we be here if you were a sadist? If you were a sadist, do you believe you would have felt the way you have for the past five days? Of course, you wouldn't." John tossed his pen onto his desk. "You hurt Anastasia, you regret it horribly, and have suffered the consequences. A sadist wouldn't care! A sadist wouldn't be in his psychiatrist's office willingly expressing his love for a woman that he belted. How many years will it take before that fact sticks in your brilliant mind?"
"He'll probably never believe it, Dr. Flynn. He always believes the worst about himself," Anastasia's small voice said from the opposite side of the lamp. John smiled at her kindly and then laughed.
"Anastasia knows you well, Christian. She's a shrewd young woman." John's words were a silent warning: "You didn't tell her about petite, brunette women, and she will find out."
"Christian, I'm going to tell you something. . . about the afternoon I returned from Georgia. I didn't confront you, but at this point, that doesn't matter. It's what I know…When you took me to
Esclava, and after I confronted your Mrs. Robinson, I heard her tell you that my behavior, no matter how slow you were taking things with me, had earned me a much-deserved punishment," Ana murmured causing my head to jerk towards her.
I had no idea Ana was close enough to Elena and me to have heard that. My stomach dropped to my ass. I also hadn't told John about that disaster and my face felt the heat from the questioning look he had thrown my way.
Ana looked at me and was frowning. "When I told you that I wanted to know if I could be a real submissive…one able to take your harsh punishments… Were you so willing because of what the pedophile told you?" Anastasia shuddered. "For weeks, you had stood steadfast about no punishments, yet the minute I offered myself as your sacrificial lamb, you practically pulled my arm out of socket pulling me to your playroom. You weren't just willing and eager; you also broke your promise that you'd never hurt me more than I could stand." Anastasia stopped and I held my breath.
"Yes, I take half of the blame because I asked for it, and I didn't safe word. But did that bug the pedophile put in your head cause you to forget your promise not to hurt me more than I could take?" she asked.
If I visibly reacted, John would pick up on it instantly and know the truth. Hell, the way he looked at me let me know he knew that's exactly why I took that belt to her.
For whatever reason, I felt the compulsion to lie like the asshole I am. Perhaps I was trying to protect Elena, but, whatever the reason, I couldn't tell Ana the truth. I was happy we were still separated by the fucking table and that the lamp blocked me from her view.
I just couldn't lie to her face.
"No, it didn't."
I didn't deserve her, and I was only shoving that truth into John's carpet.
"Enough of Mrs. Robinson. It sickens me to think about your best friend," Ana broke in, suddenly standing, and positioning herself in front of me. "How did you feel hitting me?" she asked, her blue eyes watery.
I never expected Anastasia to ask me this, and it left me speechless. From the look on John's face, neither did he. I stared at her wide eyed, unsure of myself, and having no desire to recall that horrible morning. Ana's eyes flitted across me and examined my face, while she waited for my answer. Her small frame, so lovely and unassuming, was wrenching the truth from me. After an oppressive silence, I decided to tell her the god damned, sickening truth.
Clearing my throat, I glanced around the room before meeting her eyes.
"I didn't understand why you suddenly wanted me to punish you. I was confused, yet I looked at you and saw your stubborn resolve. I told myself you were asking for it because you ran from me and rolled your eyes. Those reasons were enough reason to abandon how I promised you we'd slowly work up to the harsher aspects. I saw it as the way to show you what I needed, and the thought of punishing you turned me on. Once we were in the playroom and I asked if you were sure about doing it, I was already feeling ecstatic." I dug my palms into my eyes and pictured the scene.
"When you told me you were ready, I became hard as a rock. Hearing the snap of the first blow made me euphoric; watching the pink welt appear was when I became so excited that I zoned out, and lost control of myself. I vaguely heard your cries, and how you shouted when you counted as I had instructed you too. I was enjoying myself too much to check on you, to see that you—"
"Couldn't take it?" Ana asked in a quiet voice, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I suffered through it
for you. I wanted to please you like all the others before me. But I hoped you cared enough for me to not want to hurt me…I only did it to make you happy because I loved you."
Her gaze was intense, and we never broke eye contact.
There was a golf ball in my throat, swelling to the point where I could barely speak, but Ana said the word, and I had to ask.
"Loved?" I managed to murmur. Adrenaline flooded and overwhelmed me.
Ana wiped the tears from her face and shook her head. All it took to shatter my world was for her to shake her head no.
"Not loved. . . love," she replied softly
Hope grabbed me by the waist since I was about to leap from the couch and take Ana in my arms. I knew I had to hold off because this conversation was far from over. We continued staring at one another, and I forgot John was in the room until he broke the silence.
"Anastasia, why don't you take a seat beside Christian on the couch, and we can see if you have a way to move forward in a relationship. You told him from the beginning that you had stipulations," he said to her.
Quickly, I moved to the far end of the couch to keep Ana from feeling uncomfortable by being near me. Shockingly, Ana sat down beside me, our legs touching. I felt an electrical current run through me, and. I inhaled deeply. Anastasia's sweet, familiar scent filled my nose. Ana turned towards me, put one of her small, soft hands on top of mine, and I nearly lost it.
"Christian, your subs were masochists, but I'm not, and I never will be. Consensual, contractual, or whatever it is you call it, I call it subjugation. I consider your explanations of submission to fall flat. In order for us to start a real relationship, I can't have you dictate my life, and I won't be subservient to you," Ana told me emphatically. "Does that fall under you 'taking me anyway that you can'?"
I grabbed both of her hands and held on for dear life. "Yes, Anastasia. Anything." I replied hastily, but watched as Ana looked down.
"There's more, Christian," she went on. "And this very well may change your mind. It's my hard limit and non-negotiable. I won't live under the umbrella of your invisible rules or punishments. I don't enjoy any aspect of your 'sexual lifestyle' and want nothing to do with it. Maybe you find my conservative values boring like I find your preferred sex life disturbing, but I won't be tied up just playing around in bed. I don't want anal beads up my ass just to spice up your so-called vanilla sex." Ana looked up and stopped speaking.
I knew it was to gauge my reaction. I never let go of her hands and couldn't have cared less about fucking anal beads.
"I won't be spanked and then fucked. I've been fucked, but no one has ever made love to me, and that's what I deserve. If that means I cannot be what you need, then it means you cannot be what I want."
There was never a choice. It would always be Anastasia and I would always be saddled with the truth that I hadn't told her.