~Hi, people! This is something that has been on my mind for a long time: it's time for Edward to deal with the consequences of his actions during New Moon, because I simply can't stand the fact that he came back and everything seemed to get back to normal as if nothing had happened.

I don't consider this story as complete, but I'm not sure when or how to continue, so I'll leave it on standby for now.

Let me know what you think of this first chapter, constructive criticism is always helpful!

Disclaimer: all characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

A week had passed since Alice, Bella and I got back from Italy; I spent most of the time meeting my only reason for living in secret from Charlie, reassuring her that we would never be separated again, that I wouldn't disappear another time and will always be by her side.

At home the atmosphere was serene, but I knew I was missing something. I didn't think my lack of presence would have been a problem, I was with Bella after all, not far away, not in danger: happy. They all had easily forgiven me, and after what I did I couldn't feel any resentment towards Rosalie, we had both made a mistake and I had no right to be mad at her. Esme and Carlisle welcomed me as the prodigal son, but it was to be expected, it had already happened seventy years earlier, this attitude of theirs didn't feel right, but it would have been foolish to complain. Emmett acted as usual: as soon as he saw me he hugged me tightly, with a big smile on the face, I think - no, t be honest I am pretty sure - that he was more worried about how Rosalie might have ended up feeling if I had actually died, rather than for my suicide attempt, but that also made sense. Jasper had spoken to me little and for some reason he seemed to be the only one reacting normally, what worried me was the fact that I couldn't read his thoughts, not the real ones: whenever I was around, he would think only of Alice or mentally recite the Apology of Socrates in ancient Greek, that made me realize something between us had to be fixed, but he didn't feel like it yet and I respected that.

It was Friday evening and I was at Bella's place, as usual. Charlie had constricted her to go fishing with him the day after, so I was willing to stay with her longer than usual, knowing I wouldn't have been able to sneak in and meet her for about twenty four hours.

"You should go back home." she told me, her head resting on my chest.

"You are my home."

She stood up, sitting on her bed next to me: "Seriously, Edward, you should spend some time with your family."

"They know I'm fine."

"It's not that." she sighed "They've missed you too and since you came back you have barely talked with your siblings."

"Rosalie apologized for how she behaved, Emmett welcomed me with open arms and Jasper is avoiding me."

She raised an eyebrow: "And don't you want to know why Jasper is avoiding you?"

"He'll talk to me when he's ready." I gave her a soft kiss on the forehead. "You are my priority, Bella."

I felt her raising her head to look at me with her beautiful brown eyes: "And my priority is not to let you break up with your family."

"I'm not breaking up with-"

"Go home, Edward, please."

"Why do you worry so much?"

"I don't want to be the cause of your estrangement from the family."

"My what? Bella what are you talking about?"

"Do it for me, okay? Please."

I sighed, not knowing what to do. Did she really believe that?

"Are you asking me to leave?"

"No, I'm asking you to spend time with your family while I'll be spending time with mine." she gave me a kiss, getting out of bed. "Charlie is watching the game, I'm going to join him and you'll go home."

"You really do prefer to watch the game than staying with me?" I giggled.

She opened the window: "See you tomorrow night."

Reluctantly, I stood up and walked up to her, she was smiling: "See you tomorrow night." I replied leaving the room.

I didn't run too quickly to get home: I stopped for a while outside Bella's house to listen to Charlie's confused thoughts when she went downstairs and sat on the couch next to him watching the game. I knew that, after the three days in Italy, it was him who needed to feel Bella close the most, but it still hurt to leave her.

I couldn't guess how she had come up with that silly idea, my family didn't need me as much as she did, everything worked out fine, no one felt resentment towards me, no one had been hurt during my absence; I had forgiven Jasper for the incident at Bella's birthday party that same night, so he couldn't still feel guilty about that and there was nothing I had to tell him. The only one I should have perhaps talked to was Rosalie, and I would have done it sooner or later.

It was midnight when I got back home, They were all out hunting, which made me regret complying with Bella's requests. Fortunately, as soon as I got a little closer to the house, I perceived Jasper's silent thoughts: at least that evening wouldn't have been completely useless.

I tried my best not to focus on him, after all he had done to keep me out of his mind that last week it wouldn't have been fair of me to consciously sneak in his thoughts without consent, but the closer I got, the more precise the images came to me: there was Alice, of course, and then someone else, a blurred image, as if he was trying to imagine something he'd never seen before, everything felt dark and hopeless, it didn't take me long to realize that those feelings weren't simply coming from his thoughts: he was projecting. Once I arrived near the front door I found myself pervaded by fear and an indescribable pain. I knew that feeling well, it was similar to what brought me to Volterra. I could handle that, but as soon as I opened the door it all disappeared.

I was about to leave when I remembered the reason why I had come back home that night: a part of me knew that asking Jasper if everything was alright would have been a waste of breath and led to nothing but his usual 'I'm fine', but another was genuinely concerned about what I had just felt coming from him.

After a couple of contemplative seconds, I finally headed for his room to make sure he was okay, after all, there's no harm in trying, but I got blocked by a terrible thought crossing my mind. It wasn't my thought, but someone else's and it was vivid, like a vision: Jasper in the south, asking Maria to take him back in her coven. Then a battle, my brother standing still, not moving, his eyes black, two newborns ready to kill, he who doesn't react. A moment later he's dead, his head burning in a pile soon followed by his dismembered body.

"ALICE!" I screamed, panicking, sure that it had to be one of her visions, but I couldn't hear her thoughts, she wasn't at home and not even near, so what could that possibly be?

Suddenly I found myself pinned to the wall, Jasper in front of me, his arm around my neck: "You won't tell her!" he snapped, almost grunting. Hadn't I been sure that the man in front of me was my brother, his ferocious gaze would have terrified me.

Was that it? Was that vision I've just had one of his memories? But he was in front of me, alive, not dismembered, not burned, scarred, yes, a destroyed blank canvas, but nothing more.

I still couldn't feel his emotions: he was holding back and it was never a good thing when it came to Jasper.

"Jazz, calm down, Alice isn't even here." I said. He freed me from his grasp.

"Swear it."

"Jazz, what was that?"

"Promise me you won't tell Alice." he hissed.

"Okay, I won't say a word, but tell me what was that."

He turned his back on me, heading for the stairs: "The house was supposed to be empty."

"That's not what I asked."

"'ain'tcha got something else to do?" he snorted in the purest of southern accents, as if his expression wasn't enough to make me understand he wasn't in the best of moods. "Go watch Bella sleep, I'm sure she needs your supervision for that."

That was too much. Before I could even think about it, I found myself in front of him, hand on his shoulder, trying to hold back from starting a real fight, Esme wouldn't have appreciated it.

"You are upset." I tried my best to remain calm. "I don't know why and you don't want to tell me, I respect that, but Bella has nothing to do with it."

"Bella always has something to do with it, everything revolves around her, right?"

I didn't know what to answer, or even if answering was the right thing to do, then he sighed lowering his gaze:

"Sorry Edward." he gently took my hand off his shoulder "Just... Don't tell Alice about what you saw."

I didn't want to force him to open up, but I also was genuinely worried: he was my brother after all, maybe not the one I was the closest with, but still my brother. Damn, I've spent more than fifty years living with him, hearing his thoughts, feeling his projected emotions, wrestling with him, comforting him when he slipped. I was probably the only one in the family - besides Alice, of course - to actually know how good of a killer he was, how miserable he felt after slipping, how much he cared for Bella, how my relationship with her affected him emotionally: he could feel my happiness, my love, my desperation, he could probably understand me better than anyone else. I needed to know he was okay, but as soon as I focused on his thoughts:

Ἀρχόμενος σέο Φοῖβε παλαιγενέων κλέα φωτῶν μνήσομαι οἳ Πόντοιο κατὰ στόμα καὶ διὰ πέτρας Κυανέας βασιλῆος ἐφημοσύνῃ Πελίαο χρύσειον μετὰ κῶας ἐύζυγον ἤλασαν Ἀργώ.

Everything but not ancient greek. I sighed mentally.

"Jasper." I said "What's going on?"

He didn't stop.

Τοίην γὰρ Πελίης φάτιν ἔκλυεν, ὥς μιν ὁπίσσω μοῖρα μένει στυγερή, τοῦδ ἀνέρος ὂν τιν' ἴδοιτο δημόθεν οἰοπέδιλον ὑπ ἐννεσίῃσι δαμῆναι.

"Jazz, please, stop it with the Argonautica and talk to me."

"You said you respected my not wanting to talk about it." his tone was calm, soft, as if nothing had happened before that moment.

"I do."

"So why are you still askin'?"

"Because you were dead, Jasper!" I shouted, losing patience. "Listen, if you don't want Alice to know about that it's fine, but I need some explanations."

"There's nothing to explain or to be concerned about, Edward, I'm not dead, it was just a random thought."

I froze at his words: so calm yet so sharp, an oxymoron, just like him. He wasn't even looking at me, his words came out robotically, everything in his attitude felt unnatural, controlled, measured, put in place precisely to close the issue before even opening it. I still couldn't feel anything coming from him.

Ever since Alice and Jasper joined the family, our homes have been filled with different emotions, Jasper's emotions. Even though he knew how not to project, and was very good at it, there always was this subtle aura when he was around, usually a calm one or happy when he was near Alice. It wasn't easy to perceive, as I already said he was very good at keeping his emotions at bay, but I never failed to feel it. No emotional aura meant only two things: either Jasper wasn't at home, or he was feeling something too strong and wanted to protect those around him by controlling himself more than usual. Although I was quite sure that, in this case, my safety couldn't bother him less.

"That's not a random thought." I claimed, looking at him directly in the eyes. "Whether tomorrow will be cloudy or not, that's a random thought, when was the last time you ate a mountain lion, that's a random thought. You in the south, killed by newborns, well, this is not a random thought."

He was now looking at me, staring, with the same look as an abandoned dog: "Stop it, Edward, I said I'm fine."

"So why are you holding back your emotions?"

"Why would you care?"

"Because you are my brother and you were planning on going back to your former so called coven to get killed! Is it that difficult to understand?" I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying my best not to shout at him.

It wasn't unusual for us to have discussions in those terms, they were mostly due to my role as controller over his thoughts at school and around humans in general. But I hated discussing with Jasper, it simply didn't feel right.

"Look, I know you're mad at me, but-"

"I'm not mad at you, Edward, I'm furious."

And I suddenly could feel it: resentment. His eyes, though, weren't looking at me with malice nor contempt. His resentment wasn't the one I was used to, it didn't feel the same as Rosalie's, there was something more, something I couldn't catch.

I remained in silence, knowing he more than anyone else in the family had the right to hate me. He could have shouted, yelled the worst blasphemies he knew, made me feel as miserable as sin, avoided talking to me for years, I wouldn't have stopped him.

Yet he didn't.

His intense gaze focused on me as never before:

"You've put Alice's life at risk and the worst thing is that I can't even blame you."

"Jasper, I couldn't imagine that-"

"That's the problem, Edward!" A wave of frustration enveloped me. "You didn't imagine. I don't blame you because you tried to get yourself killed, for I'd've done the same, but I can't stand the fact that you didn't think of the consequences."

I remained in silence, not reacting at the emotions he was finally projecting.

"When you're planning on doin' something like that, you have to take into account every single, minute and seemingly insignificant detail." As he went on, his tone became more restless, until he snapped: "You didn't plan it, you didn't make sure the family wouldn't get involved, en fact, ya've found the stupidest 'n most dangerous way to do it!"

We stared at each other for a moment, it was just a few seconds, but felt like eternity. Then he sighed, spreading calmness in the room.

"I thought she wouldn't have made it back. She lied to me... God, I hate it when she lies to me." he said, more to himself, lowering his gaze. "I've spent days not knowing what would have become of her and hours believing her dead."

"So you planned your suicide." I murmured.

"We're not that different." he smirked sadly. "Esme wouldn't have let me do it anyway, she's been very clear 'bout that, and I could never hurt her that much, but even she knew it was inevitable. I would have waited a couple of months, the necessary time so that they would have been the ones to ask me to leave due to my miserable projected emotions."

"They would have never."

"It happened with Peter and Charlotte."

He was certain our family would have left him behind, I could see it in his mind, he figured Emmett and Rosalie away, living their life as the newly married couple they always faked to be, Carlisle calling him in his studio with a look of remorse on the face, claiming Esme was not feeling right and that he had to leave in order to give her the time she needed to recover from losing Alice and me, that his aura was not doing them well. He nodded and left the room, not minding Carlisle's silent words behind him 'Son, please, don't disappear.', he was waiting for this request, for an excuse to leave the family and get killed in the south, hoping to see Alice again in an elusive afterlife in which, for some reason, he still believed.

I felt my breath stop, it was all too real. How could he have imagined something so vividly?

"But why thinking about it now? I don't understand." I asked, trying hard not to let him hear the break in my voice.

"Since you came back... It's a constant thought when she's not with me."

I knew exactly how he was feeling, what he was going through, but being the cause of such pain completely paralyzed me.

"Jazz," I put a hand on his shoulder, not entirely sure of what to say. "She's not going anywhere, Alice's safe now. Not thanks to me, and for that there are not enough words in the English language to express how sorrowful I am, but her life is in no danger."

"I know that." his gaze still on the pavement. "Unfortunately, I didn't understand it right away. Only after her phone call and that she had explained to me what had happened I realized her life was the only one that's never actually been in danger." I remained in silence as he looked up at me. "You took eternity from us, Edward."

His words hit me directly in my dead heart.

"Going to the Volturi you have exposed her power, Aro will do anything to get her in his guard and I... I can only wait for her to disappear."

I knew it was true.

I had deprived them of eternity. They would have lived the rest of their life knowing that their 'forever' would have come to an end. I had condemned Alice to a life of darkness. I had killed Jasper.

"When I was in Italy" I started, in a low voice, almost stammering "I read Aro's thoughts. He knows Alice won't join him as long as our family is alive."

"He will find a way to get her."

"That doesn't mean you have to die. You could go with her."

"They won't permit that."

"Why not?"

"They couldn't be certain of her loyalty if I'm with her or even alive."

"That doesn't mean tha-"

"Edward, I respect the Volturi, only God knows what would have become of the South without their intervention. With them Alice wouldn't be happy, I know that, but she'd be safe. They'd treat her well."

I gasped at his words, looking directly in his eyes to make sure he was being serious.

"You can't actually be thinking that."

"I take into account every possibility and this is one."

"You would let the Volturi take Alice?!" I almost shouted, but he remained calm, methodic.

"She'd see them coming, and when she does I will go to the South, get myself killed in battle or by Maria herself. Without me, Alice'll know she has to follow them to Italy in order to keep the family safe."

I couldn't remain calm any longer. "Are you out of mind?!" I yelled, smashing him on the wall. He didn't react.

Alice won't be able to see any of this until Aro decides to take her away. He thought, my hand was squeezing him by the neck, preventing him from breathing. I jerked it off.

"Jasper. Tell me you are not actually considering that." I wish I could have sounded kind, but my voice growled at him like a wild animal.

You have lived without us for a long time.

"We have lived longer with you two." He wasn't expecting me to answer his thought. "We are a family, Jasper, if the Volturi show up at our door to take Alice away we will face it together. And, by the way, Aro also set his sights on Bella and I. Alice is not the only one I've put in danger." Remorse cut my breath short as I turned my back on him to go reach for the sofa. He silently followed me. "You have the right to hate me." I sighed once he was sitting in front of me. "But we are back together now, I made a terrible mistake and I'm sorry my actions caused so many problems. I won't let any member of our family get lost as I did, so there's no way I'll let you go back to the South to get killed, not to mention Emmett, you're his favourite brother, you know that, right?"

He shook his head, almost smiling. "I don't hate you. I could never."

"But you should."

"No, I don't. It all started because of me."

"I'm gonna stop you right there."

"There's no need to avoid the topic, Edward. We're havin' an honest conversation."

"Yes, and I'm being honest, as I've been honest the night it happened. It wasn't your fault and certainly it wasn't the reason why we left."

"But it was the straw that broke the camel's back."

He wasn't entirely wrong on that, but I couldn't continue to avoid taking my responsibilities, I could no longer blame others for what had been my choices, my mistakes. If Bella had found herself in danger, yes, that had been because of Jasper's lack of control, and he could take his responsibilities on the matter, but if we had left Forks, if Bella had fallen off the cliff, if I had believed her dead, if I had gone to Italy to get killed and Alice's safety had been put in danger, well, no, Jasper had nothing to do with it. I could have handled it better, faced the thing without running away, without leaving Bella. I should have listened to Alice, trusted her visions, but I preferred to wallow in my self-pity instead, I didn't listen to Bella, I stayed stoic in my position without worrying about what she wanted, what she needed. It had been my fault from the beginning. I had exaggerated the incident with Jasper without realizing that it would have only lead to my brother blaming himself for something he couldn't control, something that could have remained an unpleasant event without too many consequences.

"You have to stop thinking of yourself as a burden, Jazz." I had repeated that phrase to him many times in the fifty years he had lived with us, enough for it to lose its meaning. "We've already talked about this."

"It's not that, Edward. We both have our responsibilities in this, let me take my part."

"But you did nothing wrong: you went hunting before the party, you kept your distance from Bella, you-"

He stood up interrupting me: "In more than fifty years my control over thirst is still fickle. I have never tried hard enough, nor valued human life as much as you do, and this is all on me." he sat on the couch, right next to me. But I do care for Bella.

"I know, Jasper."

"Can we make a deal?" His words caught me off guard, he could sense my surprise. "You have to stop makin' decisions for Bella. She's strong, she knows what she wants and you are supposed to be her boyfriend, not her father, she already has one."

He was pointing his intense gaze directly at me. It always amazed me how Jasper was able to notice everything. He seemed distant, far from the family business, but it wasn't so, in fact he was perhaps the most central.

I nodded. "You are right."

"I know I am."

"But I want you to forget about the South." He was about to retort, but I stopped him before he could even think about what to say. "I'm being serious, Jazz, that's your past and your past only."

He seemed reluctant, but finally gave me a smirk of assent. Ya really want meh to abandon mah origins.

"You know what I mean."

Yes, aah know, but Alice likes it when aah talk lak that.

I chuckled at his thought, feeling that everything between us was getting back to normal.

"I can't promise you, Edward, and you know that." he then said, serious once again, interrupting my brief laugh. "It's not something I can simply erase from my mind and what I have told you was not just the raving of a desperate man, but a solid reality. A possibility."

"I'm aware of that, but I'm asking you not to consider it." I gave him a kind smile. "We had that same conversation the first time you slipped and another time when Maria found us in Calgary, so I'm gonna repeat what I've already told you: you are part of the family as much as I am. I wasn't kidding before when I said you are Emmett's favourite brother, he would be desperate without you."

I loved Emmett, but our relationship had never been as close as the one he had with Jasper. Together they gave the best and the worst of themselves and it was thanks to him that Jazz had begun to feel more comfortable as a member of our 'weird coven', as he used to call us in the beginning.

"I'm not asking you to erase your past, I'm just asking you to leave it where it is, to no longer see it as a possibility. No matter how miserable you may become, no one in this family will ever leave you behind." I brotherly punched him on the shoulder. "And it would be appropriate for this to get into your head once and for all."

He smiled, then another thought crossed my mind:

"You said Esme made it clear that she wouldn't let you leave. Did she know about your... Plan?" I asked hesitantly. I knew my mother would have grieved my loss, but to think that she might have known about Jasper's intentions... It all felt so wrong.

He shook his head. "She knew I was plannin' on going away, not where nor what I'd done once alone." he sighed. "To be honest, I told her nothin', I barely spoke at all."

"She doesn't need any words."

"No, she doesn't." he agreed, smiling.

I then looked up at the clock as I started to hear some familiar thoughts: "How much of this conversation do you think Alice saw?"

"Knowing her? Everything."

"She's going to be mad at you."

"Probably."

I laughed silently.

"You should talk to Rosalie."

"I know."

He stood up, still looking at me: "Thanks, Edward." It's been a long time since we talked like that.

"You are not a particularly easy person to convince to open up."

He smirked: "You gotta be a bit patient with me."

"Yea, I figured it out about fifty years ago."

He then turned his back on me, aiming for the front door. Put Alice's life in danger once again and I don't care about the consequences, I'll kill you.

"I'll help you with that." I concluded firmly, not without a bit of amusement in the tone.

He walked away, waiting for his mate at the front door while I tried to figure out what to say to my first sister.