89) You'll Never Be What Is In Your Heart

Aesir was as unlike Hera as two agricultural planets could be. For one thing, Aesir looked like everything had been planned out a lot more with cities, transportation and…well, pretty much everything.

It was kinda pretty, everything was really tall, but not like it was going to fall over at any second either. Not like Hera where the taller buildings looked so rickety a stiff breeze'd blow 'em over. River and Simon explained on the train ride that urban planning had been taken more seriously here than on Hera. Part of that was due to Aesir being largely untouched by the war. Jack guessed fabric and dye and the stuff to deal with both wasn't as important in a war as food.

Then Kaylee started to talk about dresses again and Jack barely restrained her groan. She'd heard so much about wedding gowns she could probably have a discussion of them in her sleep. Jayne was smothering a laugh into his shoulder, pretending he was coughing or something equally unlikely after he looked down and saw Jack's face. Riddick had an eye on the entire group and a wary set to his mouth like he hoped the dress talk would subside and Jack rolled her eyes at him.

Jayne'd been pretty decent about letting her hang out with him. He wasn't shy about telling her when she had gotten something wrong, or when he thought she was wrong period, but he didn't make her feel like an idiot either. And he wasn't shy about saying when she got something right either. She'd caught him giving Riddick the hairy eyeball once or twice until she'd shaken her head and explained that she'd pissed him off more than once and it was her own fault.

Riddick had eased his rú gěng zài hóu attitude some and that had been a relief. He'd say so when she was doing good. And he wasn't scowling whenever he looked at her. She'd take it. Him being mad was her own damn fault and she wasn't going to make things worse for herself by pretending to Jayne or anyone else that it wasn't.

She'd seen Jayne and Riddick 'sparring' and even for her, it was easy to see that Riddick was trying to hold back. The only reason he'd even sparred with Jayne was the older gunhand had been itchy and sorta pushing for a fight. Jayne had gotten a black eye, bruised ribs and if Riddick had kept going on that final punch, he'd've ended up with a fractured jaw too (not to mention loose teeth).

Riddick being slightly less aggravated might have something to do with Jack not giving attitude with every word that came out of River's mouth. River wasn't so bad now that Jack wasn't trying to learn from her and feeling like an idiot because she didn't understand what the other girl was saying. River even seemed to share Jack's opinion about some things. Fluffy dresses being among them. Them having the same mindset about fluffy and ruffles made it a lot easier to like the other girl. They'd both suffered through the torture of Kaylee and Carolyn's shopping trip and promised each other at the end of it that the two of them would do their best to keep each other company if they had to go through that again. So far it hadn't been necessary but she and River were in agreement that there was safety (from ruffles and lace and fluff) in numbers. And since it seemed like forever since Simon had proposed and Kaylee started talking wedding stuff, Jack and River had plenty of time to exchange long suffering looks and dismayed sighs.

Jack glanced over at Riddick and River, the two of them side by side as always these days, talking to each other quietly, and blinked. Riddick had the strangest expression she'd ever seen on his face. He actually looked surprised. Shocked almost. And then happy, like really happy. She'd never seen him look like that. He took a breath and bent down, said something to River and kissed her, sweet and soft and damn close to romantic.

Jack looked away. There was something really private about how those two looked right now. And it wasn't the 'rip each other's clothes off' expression either. She had a lot of experience with that look, considering how many couples were on the boat. Kaylee and Simon, Mal and Carolyn (for all that Mal seemed to think no one had noticed or maybe that was just his way of keeping private things private which was actually more likely since he knew that she and Jayne and River were aware) and Riddick and River. If Jayne and Zoë hooked up Jack was seriously going to feel like the odd one out. Thankfully there was no sign of that particular (and completely peculiar) thing happening.

Jayne nudged her slightly and she realized that Riddick was motioning for her to come closer to him and River. It took a little swaying and clutching at the overhead handles, but she managed it.

"Hey," She greeted them a little breathlessly. She was out of practice moving on trains. There'd been a time she could weave her way through passengers, making lifts and passing things off without even a hitch in her step. River grinned as if she knew what Jack was thinking, which, she probably did and gave her a wink. That was another thing Jack found herself liking about River, now that she'd gotten past her jealousy (mostly, twinges now and then didn't count). The other girl didn't judge over what she heard, and she had a sense of humor kind of like Riddick's or Jack's. The girl could take sarcasm to the level of art if she didn't think it'd hurt someone's feelings.

"Hey Jackie girl," Riddick took her hand and helped her get a grip on one of the overhead hanging straps/loops. She was just short enough that she looked like she was doing pullups if she tried to grab the horizontal rails overhead.

"Thanks," Jack shook her head. "I am so outa practice at this." She wrinkled her nose, "Not sure I want to get in practice anymore either."

"Comes in handy now and then," River smiled, and Jack grinned back at her. She wasn't wrong.

"Wanted to let you know, you see something while you and River and Kaylee are out, you let River know, we'll cover the cost of whatever," Riddick told her seriously. "You're outgrowin' some of your things and you deserve at least one nice dress to wear to the wedding if you want."

Jack wasn't sure how she felt about that. Dresses were…problematic on a number of levels. She could appreciate the sentiment but…

River patted Riddick's chest but continued to smile at Jack as if Jack hadn't made her life a living hell for more than eight months. Jack wasn't sure she'd be able to forgive so easily but River just let it roll off her back. Maybe because she knew Jack was miserable enough about having acted like such a bitch and figured that was punishment enough. "Doesn't have to be a dress. Something nice, to suit her, but nothing with…" River wrinkled her nose and Jack nearly giggled as the girl whispered as if it was a curse word, "ruffles."

"Yeah, I don't think I'd look right in anything…like Kaylee's dress," Jack remembered to not say anything nasty about the fluffy pink thing Kaylee loved so much. She'd offered to let Jack try it on, which had been nice of her, but it had been really obvious Jack would have looked like a kid playing dress up.

"Keep an eye out for a sewing machine and other stuff," Riddick told her.

"Have the thought that it will be easier to find cloth and thread than clothes," River explained that request. "Make clothing tailored for you and him," She patted Riddick's chest again. "And for me and Emma. Not easy to find clothing to fit properly. If we find a sewing machine and dressmaker's form, and other things, we can make clothes."

"Lots of spare time in the Black," Jack nodded. "Yeah. I can do that." That was an interesting thought. She hadn't been considered 'talented' at sewing back at the girls' home, so she didn't know much about it. But if River thought making clothes would be better than buying them… well it was worth a shot. Just have to wait and see how it worked out. And it wasn't as if they were asking something hard or awful. Buddha knew it wasn't easy to find nice things that fit and suited her. River was so tiny she likely had the same problem.

"Good." River grinned and added in a lower tone, "And if they have a quest of their own, they may split off from the bridal party and return early."

Jack might not have been certain about sewing or whatever, but cutting their part of the shopping expedition short? Oh, that was a reason she could get behind. She grinned at River. There were some perks to having a genius around.

Inara had found them a boarding house, a nice one, with breakfast and dinner served even for short term residents. All the guys were in one bunk room and all the girls in another, which was probably a good thing because the walls weren't the thickest.

The downside was when Emma woke up hungry (or needing a diaper change), they all (all the woman anyway) woke up. And Jack couldn't get back to sleep.

The two bunkrooms had a couple of bathrooms between them and a little sitting room with some books and a really old cortex. Jack pulled on the oversized quilted jacket that served as her robe and headed for the sitting room.

It was sort of a surprise, and not, that Mal was already there. Jayne was with him, which was a little odd because she hadn't ever noticed Jayne have trouble sleeping before.

"Can't sleep either mèi mei," Jayne asked gesturing to the other end of the couch he was sprawled on.

"Woke up and just…had something stuck in my head, couldn't get back to sleep," Jack admitted quietly.

"What's that little one?" Mal had a book in his hand, though he didn't seem to be reading it.

"Rick an' River, on the train today," Jack looked back through her memory at what she'd seen. That disturbingly intimate look between the two of them.

"What about 'em," Jayne obviously hadn't seen the same thing she did. Or he'd seen that sort of thing before and didn't consider it unusual.

"He…looked at her and it was…" Jack didn't know how to describe that look. "We were in a public place and there wasn't anything going on, but a kiss and it still felt like I was intruding just by seein' it."

"Oh, you mean that lovey dovey look Rick's givin' River after she told him she loved him," Jayne's tone indicated he didn't find anything surprising about that though Mal gave his gunhand a startled glance before he looked back at Jack.

"That's what she said?" Jack hadn't been able to hear that.

"When yer forever gettin' shot at or things're blowin' up 'round ya, readin' lips comes in handy," Jayne shrugged. "I's just surprised he said it back."

"He did," Jack stared at him. That was really…different. She guessed Mal thought so too because he looked like someone had hit him with a cattle prod for a minute.

But only a minute, probably not even that, because he blinked again and looked at Jack. "So, what bothered you about the way Rick was lookin' at River that you couldn't sleep?" Well, he'd remembered why she'd come out here anyway.

"Part of why I… I was such a jiàn huò to River… I thought she was taking him away from me." Jack admitted quietly, still more than a little ashamed (miserable really) when she remembered how vindictive and petty she'd been and how her behavior had been so much worse, even if she hadn't known, because River had a history of mental difficulties. "I thought she was changing him… but he…he was changing…because he wanted to. Because he wanted to be better…" Jack shook her head, "Change…it ain't ever been a good thing for me… still ain't easy to deal with. I'm getting better… But what I saw today," Mal's gaze, dark eyes, intent and concerned. Jayne, bright blue, but equally worried for her. And Riddick cared about her the same way but…

"He'll…" Jack took a breath because her throat had gotten tight for some reason. And her eyes stung. She wasn't going to cry like a baby gorramit! Another breath and she'd gotten control of her voice again, "He'll never…never look at me like that. She's the most important person in the 'verse to him and it's the same for her and they're so in love it was all over their faces. She's the center of his 'verse."

She forced the words out like she'd forced herself to move through the dark on that planet. "I don't think anybody has ever…ever looked at me like that. Not even my father." She admitted that in the lowest voice she had, hating it, hating the truth, hating everything for a minute and just wanting to burn the whole gorram 'verse to the ground so she didn't have to see it or exist in this stupid, constantly changing, nothing was safe, life. She'd known it, known the truth, (nothing was safe, nothing stayed the same) but she hadn't had the guts to admit it out loud before.

"I dunno if I'd want Rick to look at you that way Jackie girl," Mal put his book aside and leaned forward, forearms resting on his thighs, his eyes on Jack. "That's a man had a lot of bad stuff happen in his life and if he looked at you that way…"

"There's stuff that'll break you," Jayne told her flatly. "You're growin' up good Jack, but you ain't grown yet. Man like that? You'd do anythin' to make him happy, an' you'd end up bendin' an' twistin' yerself around to do it. He'd love you but he wouldn't even know how to take care of you, be what you need. You'd end up miserable an' you wouldn't even know why."

"Jayne's right," Mal nodded thoughtfully. "Rare as it is for me to say it, he is right. Ain't many years between you and River but there's a world of difference between you."

"Ain't even the years," Jayne put in. "You two got totally diff'rent personalities."

"Rick…somehow he can be what River needs," Mal spread his hands helplessly and Jack sighed. "An' she can be what he needs. Sometimes that's just how it is. Like me an' Carolyn. I wasn't lookin' for her. An' she sure as hell wasn't lookin' for me, but I can't imagine my life without her in it anymore." Jack guessed Mal really wasn't trying to hide that he and Carolyn were together. Either he never had been and was just really private or he'd been trying and had given up as a bad job.

Jayne nodded, "Don't mean there's anythin' wrong with you Jackie girl." He shrugged, "Some things, like I told ya, they just don't work out the way we want." He grabbed the edge of her quilted coat and tugged her over to his side, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "'Tween you an' me, sometimes I think it's better to not get so wound up with someone else when you're younger."

"Why's that," Mal asked curiously and Jack looked up at the big gunhand. He needed a shave before the wedding tomorrow. So did Mal honestly.

"Oh, when you're young, you're bound to do somethin' stupid, all wound up like a spinnin' top, crashin' into ev'rythin'," Jayne shrugged. "Somethin' goes wrong, someone breaks your heart you do somethin' even more stupid. Get in fights. Get drunk. Get in more fights. Get yerself bound by law." He rolled his eyes, "Best to just…wait until you settle some before you start thinkin' about your heart, 'stead of yer nethers." He snorted in derision, "Hell, half of what young folks think is love is just their nethers thinkin' for 'em."

"Ain't like I can go to a whorehouse or somethin' Jayne," Jack reminded him.

"Can if you want to," Jayne shrugged again. "'S where I went. Saw two of my idiot brothers get in trouble after trouble 'cause of some girl or other…" Jack must have looked confused because he elaborated, "Got two brothers older'n the two sisters older'n me. Then me an' then the younger ones."

He rolled his eyes, "My older brothers showed me plenty a reasons why I oughtn't should follow their example. So I saved up my coin an' 'stead of spendin' it on flowers an' candy tryin' to court some town girl who'd turn up her nose at miner's sons anyway, I went to the whorehouse. Bought me two hours and a whole helluva lotta education."

"Two things wrong with that," Mal clearly wasn't thrilled with the way Jayne had taken the conversation or where he'd taken it. "One, Jack ain't a randy teenage boy. Two, ain't anyone I'd trust to make sure she's taken care of proper."

"Forgot three," Jack added a little glumly because damn, Jayne's idea had merit. She wouldn't mind kissing some, trying to figure out if she liked boys or girls or both. "No money."

"Teach you to play Tall Card and you'll have plenty," Jayne shook his head. "What's the real reason?"

The man was smarter than he acted a lot of the time. She knew it but he still snuck under her guard now and then. "I dunno if I like boys or girls," She admitted. "Thought I liked guys, but thinkin' about kissin' a girl, it don't… like…bother me or nothin'."

"That's another thing a whorehouse can help with," Jayne told her. "The good ones, where the girls and boys are clean, they'll let you spend hours talkin' an' flirtin' long's you don't try to take it too far 'fore they're paid."

"Jayne, I ain't altogether easy with the way this conversation is goin'," Mal put in with a slightly disturbed expression. Well at least he'd said it instead of just makin' faces like he'd smelled something bad.

"Well hell, we can always ask Inara," Jayne reminded him. "This's sorta her area ain't it?"

"That's…" Mal paused and looked at Jack. "That's not a bad idea."

Jack nodded. She'd liked her lessons with Inara, half martial arts, half movement and manners. She could talk with Inara and if the Companion was judging her Jack at least wouldn't be able to tell.

Author's Note: Well they say the first step to recovery is admitting there's a problem. I really wanted this scene because there are things that Jack really needs to understand. Love isn't enough to make a life with someone. Love is actually the easy part. It's a good start but if you don't respect each other, make compromises and in general just have the same goals or values, it won't hold up. It takes a lot of work and Jack hasn't ever really seen a healthy relationship when she's been old enough to understand what she was seeing. Now she's finally old enough and open minded enough to understand that what she wanted might not have been the best thing for her.

Chinese Translations:

rú gěng zài hóu (lit. as if having a fish bone stuck in one's throat (idiom) / fig. very upset and needing to express one's displeasure)

mèi mei (little sister)

jiàn huò (bitch / slut)