A/N – I've actually had conversations on this topic with my own daughter in various contexts and have done research on sexual abuse and victimization over the years. If you'd like to learn more, I'd recommend you check out RAINN dot org and learn more about GROOMING (replaced the underscore with a DOT in the url and remove the spaces - dammit i wish FFN would not delete URLs from their publishing tool! There are ways to parse text and not link the hyperlink but still leave the text!): rainn_org / news / grooming-know-warning-signs
CHAPTER 17
"Oh you're finally home! How is she? She gonna be okay?" Burt shot up from his recliner and greeted his wife with a warm hug and a lingering kiss. He'd waited up for Carole and Finn to return as long as he could but had nodded off in front of the evening news after the sports segment and now David Letterman was starting his opening monologue.
Carole returned her husband's warm embrace with relief. After the events of the evening, she really needed a hug. "She's as well as can be expected I guess... she's going to have a long road to recovery though and it's barely the start. Thank you for waiting up, but honey, you need your sleep too. You had a long day at the shop. Go on to bed and get some rest, we'll talk about everything tomorrow. I'm gonna make a quick call to Hiram and grab dinner with Finn now."
Burt had noticed his stepson's disconsolate expression as he followed his mother through the door silently and only offered a chin nod in greeting before heading to the kitchen. "How're you hanging in, babe? And Finn? How's he holding up? He had it pretty rough tonight, too. I had a hell of a time calming Kurt down earlier over his friend, but this is Finn's girlfriend. I can't imagine what's goin' through his head right now. Well, actually, I kind of can... if anyone ever touched you like, that I'd–"
Carole placed both hands on her husband's cheeks. "I know what you'd do, and I love you for it, but don't even go there, okay? I'm fine. Tired, emotionally drained, worried sick for Rachel and her family, but fine... but Finn? He's... he's hurting, and he needs me."
"I have no doubt he does. You think he's gonna be alright?"
She sighed and glanced over her shoulder in the direction her son had gone. "Yeah, I hope so. I'm going to try to get some food in him and see how he's doing. We haven't had a chance to speak in private yet," she explained in barely a whisper. "I'm letting him stay home from school tomorrow and I'm taking the day off, too. Just, go on to bed hun, don't wait up." She kissed her husband sweetly once more and knew the feel of his lingering protective embrace said all the things his words didn't.
. . . . .
After a quick call to Hiram offering her support and assurance that Rachel was safely home in bed, Carole took out the dinner plates she'd tucked in the refrigerator for herself and Finn before leaving for Columbus earlier that night and reheated them.
Numbing silence filled the cozy space of their kitchen as Finn sat at the table brooding, staring at his fists that were balled up on the table top. His knees bounced with anxiety and his shoulders hunched in a way that reminded her of when he was a little boy.
Carole placed the warmed food on the table in front of each of them wordlessly. She tousled his unruly hair, kissed his temple and sat down next to her son. After a few bites she realized he wasn't touching his plate and knew they needed to talk. She wrapped her fingers around one of Finn's tightly balled fists and gently gave a squeeze.
"Rachel will be okay, honey. She's safe now, he can't hurt her anymore. You should try to eat something."
He shook his head slowly and when he finally spoke his voice cracked with grief.
"I'm not hungry. I actually feel kinda sick... I just don't get how this happened, Mom. I don't understand how someone could do that to her. Why would he do that? Why would ANYONE do that? And why, WHY did she keep goin' back there? WHY didn't she tell anyone sooner? She could've told me... maybe she didn't trust me? Maybe after our last breakup she didn't think I'd believe her or I wouldn't help but I would have! I would've protected her, Mom, I would've stopped him! I would've helped her, doesn't she know I would have–"
The more Finn's words poured out, the more his bottled emotions bubbled to the surface. He was practically screaming and visibly shaking.
"Finn, stop!" Carole swiveled in her chair and pulled him as close as she could in a tight if slightly awkward hug while they sat side by side at the table. "I know baby, I know you would've helped her. You DID help her tonight, though. It's over now. You were the one who followed her, who found her. And I... I don't know why anyone would do this, baby. There are some things in this world that defy explanation, and sometimes people are just bad."
Finn pulled himself from her arms and slapped a hand on the table in frustration. "Then why would she go back there, Mom? For WEEKS! All this time, for weeks he was hurting her and she kept going back, over and over, and he kept... AAHHHH FUCK! Just...WHY?! Why didn't she tell anyone sooner?!"
Carole sighed and rubbed her son's back as she spoke calmly. "Finn, I know you're angry and confused, and you have a right to be but try to calm down honey. I don't know. There's no easy answer for those questions. I can't speak for Rachel, specifically, but... from what I know, predators like that man sometimes have a way of talking their victims into believing things that aren't true."
"So what, he like, brainwashed her or something? He talked her into coming back?"
"Maybe, it's possible. Things he said or did might've made Rachel convince herself she didn't have any other choice. It's called grooming. He might have threatened her, but he also might have fed her words of encouragement or promises for rewards... It's a psychological kind of abuse. This man very likely managed to make her believe things that made her think she had no choice but to keep going back. Things that made her think she couldn't tell anyone or ask for help."
"But Rach is so smart, Mom, she's the smartest person I know. How could she fall for stuff like that?"
"Finn... it's not as easy as that. You're right, Rachel is very smart, but her intellect has nothing to do with it. This guy was crafty enough to twist her thoughts and use them against her somehow. She's been through a tremendous amount of trauma sweetheart, not just physical but emotional. She's going to need professional help to deal with all of this now. And I know it seems impossible to understand, but she will get past this somehow... she will heal and get better. It's just probably going to take a very long time."
"How long?"
"Nobody knows, honey. It could be months or years, it'll probably be something she copes with for the rest of her life. But she's surrounded by people who love her and will do whatever they can to support her, and I think it'll go a long way to helping with her recovery. You just need to be prepared for the possibility that she will shut you out while she's healing, at least for now."
"But she loves me and I love her, Mom, and I just got her back... I don't wanna lose her again. Why would she shut me out?"
"I don't know for sure that she will, sweetie, I just know that sometimes people need space to cope with a trauma like this... Everyone is different, Finn, and I don't know how things will go with her. Rachel might be in denial about what really happened. She might be angry and lash out, she might cling tighter to you one minute and send you away the next. Her behavior might be unpredictable for a while and you might get angry or hurt or frustrated by things she says or does – and that's okay too; you're entitled to your feelings, but you shouldn't ever blame her or take out your frustrations on her. And you shouldn't take it personally if she does things that might upset or confuse you."
Finn didn't hold back his tears as he listened to his mother's words and the reality of the situation sank in. It broke Carole's heart to see her son in such a state of despair, knowing how helpless he felt. She felt helpless too, truth be told. No amount of words or emotional support could simply fix Rachel overnight anymore than they could make her son feel any better; they were all in for a long road to recovery.
"Sweetheart... Shelby told me exactly what you both saw tonight. I can't imagine how you felt seeing what you did... Do you want to talk about it?"
By that point Finn sat with his head in his hands, clutching at his hair. Without looking up, his quiet response was "no."
"Okay. That's okay, you don't have to right now... but honey, I don't want you to bottle up your feelings about any of this either." She glanced at the clock and felt the heaviness of the day pulling her under as well. "It's so late baby. We can talk more tomorrow. I'll put your plate back in the fridge. Why don't you head up to bed, maybe take a long hot shower first, but you need to try and get some rest now." He nodded, hugged his mom once more and kissed her cheek then headed for the stairs.
. . . . .
After a long night taking turns driving nonstop, Hiram and LeRoy Berry walked through their front door a little after 5:00 AM, exhausted and emotionally drained. They found Shelby in the kitchen putting on coffee.
"Shelby, good to see you again," LeRoy said as he approached the woman with open arms and a warm embrace. The more dramatic of the pair of men didn't bother to hold back the tears that choked his voice. "We can't thank you enough for being here... How's our girl?"
As Shelby released him, she sighed and answered, "She seems to be holding up better than I would expect. She's not very pleased with my presence I think, but I suppose we all understand why that is."
Hiram shot a sympathetic look in her direction. "Yes, I suppose we do... she's already expressed her anger with us on the topic more than once. Shelby, LeRoy and I discussed this on the way back. We both agree, Rachel will need as much support around her as she can get now, and we think that support system should include you.
"We know Rachela will probably be resistant, but the challenges she's bound to face going forward are the kind of things that we as her fathers – as men – are probably ill-equipped to help with. Of course we'll do anything in our power to help our little girl recover and heal, but... we think she may need a woman's midas touch to get her through some of the more sensitive parts, things she might not feel comfortable talking to us about or allowing us to help with."
Shelby was a little taken aback by the notion. "I'm... I'm touched you'd like to include me in her recovery, and of course I'll do anything I can to help Rachel. I really would love another chance for us to get to know each other and build some kind of relationship – but honestly, I think it's up to her. If and when Rachel is ready, of course I'll be there for her. But until then, with respect to your concerns for having a woman's input, I think you've already got an excellent resource in Carole Hummel."
Hiram nodded in agreement. "Yes, she called to check in on us and we know she was here, too. Carole's a wonderful friend, and we know she cares deeply for our Little Star. I'm sure she will be part of the equation going forward as well. We just wanted to let you know we want you to be part of it also.
"We realize it's about what Rachel wants and needs in the end. We just think, you as her mother could lend a healing X factor that no one else possesses. We know your relationship with our Star is difficult, but we just want you to know we support the idea of you two trying to work through things. We think it's important to her emotional well being to have you as part of her life."
Shelby looked at the man with surprise. "Well you certainly weren't concerned about that when we were setting up the parental rights agreements sixteen years ago," she quickly sniped, but then immediately backpedaled. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that... It's been a long night and I only got about two hours of sleep. Rachel was up in the middle of the night with bad dreams and I couldn't fall back to sleep."
"No, it's okay... you're right. Look, we were all much younger and maybe more naive back then. We thought we were doing what was best for our daughter at the time. We thought it would be too confusing to her to see you come and go. Maybe we were being selfish, too... we just didn't want her to resent you for giving her up or us for taking her from you. I seems we didn't think it through well enough apparently, and our lack of foresight has made an even bigger mess of her life as a result," LeRoy sad somberly. He bowed his head and added quietly "I just don't understand how this nightmare happened or how we MISSED it completely. Maybe we're overcompensating now, but... She's our daughter and we didn't notice she was struggling with something so huge and unspeakable... I feel like we failed her."
Shelby gripped the man's hand to offer comfort. "Don't... you can't blame yourself, LeRoy. I missed it too. Jesus, it happened while I was in the very next room and I didn't know! We're parents, not fortune tellers... I just mean, our regrets are not going to help Rachel. All any of us can do is be there for her NOW, and do whatever she needs to help her recover."
Hiram gripped his husband's shoulder and interrupted. "Agreed. And as much as I'd love us to keep talking – because there IS still much left to discuss – we can do that later. I need to see her now, Lee. Are you coming?"
"It's so early, Hi, and she's still asleep... we shouldn't wake her, we should let her rest."
"We don't have to wake her, I just need to put eyes on her," Hiram added as he headed for the stairs.
Shelby smiled and nodded. "I don't blame you, I'd want to put my own eyes on her as well. Go ahead and check on her, and get yourselves settled in. Coffee should be done in a few, and we can talk more later."
"Thanks Shelby. You know, you are more than welcome to spend the day here as well, but I suppose you have work?"
"Well yes, but I already called in a sick day. I need to head back to Columbus today anyhow. The theater management team emailed me. They want to meet in person around lunchtime to discuss everything that happened, so I'll be leaving in a few hours. Before I go, I was going to start breakfast for all of us if you don't mind? Eggs and toast okay with you both? I make a pretty mean ham and cheese omelet," she offered.
"That sounds lovely Shelby, thank you."
. . . . .
Rachel had woken up when her fathers looked in on her. Even though they'd done their best not to disturb her, she wasn't really asleep anyway. There were tears and hugs and apologies from both sides, but Rachel felt detached from their affections and mostly, she wanted them to leave her alone.
She hadn't slept much and continued to wrestle with thoughts of shame and guilt. The pain from her injuries was still breaking through the pain medication too, so she kept waking up and willing the clock to move faster so she could take her next dose.
Rachel also couldn't get the growing boulder of knots out her stomach. Her anxiety over what was yet to come only mounted with each passing hour.
She kept replaying Miss Pillsbury's words over and over about child services and the police and knew there were going to be even more people coming to interfere with her world.
With Shelby now departed for home to get ready for her meeting in Columbus and her fathers finally catching up on some sleep, Rachel struggled with using the bathroom, but managed. Her ribs ached and her entire body was finally revealing the full extent of damage done.
As if the concussion, eye fracture and cracked ribs weren't enough, the Plan B pill seemed to be working in full force too. She was cramping considerably worse than her normal periods along with a heavier flow, but she'd expected this. She would normally use tampons, but that was simply out of the question now. There was so much pain in that area between her legs now too, and she started thinking she'd never use tampons again. The mere thought of inserting a tampon just seemed to serve as a reminder of what a slut she was, so she opted for her organic maxi pads instead.
Managing her hygiene issues by herself with such limited range of motion was another painful reminder of her own weak-willed and poorly planned stupidity. How could she ever think she could handle Mr Ellis on her own? How could she be so stupid? She had no idea what'd come over her yesterday or why she thought driving there to confront him was going to make a difference. Did she somehow WANT to be attacked again?
She started thinking there was a subconscious part of her that felt like she deserved his punishment in whatever form it took. After all, she WAS a desperate starlet hoping for fame and stardom. She HAD been willing to do almost anything to succeed – although this was a line she'd always vowed she never would cross. But once he forced himself on her the first time, the rest seemed irrelevant.
Rachel decided she was going to stop thinking about that monster anymore. She'd simply put it all behind her and focus on her school work and move forward. To hell with Richard Ellis and the play and Broadway for that matter. She didn't even WANT any of it anymore. She just wanted to find a way back to the Rachel she was before this all happened.
She grabbed her laptop and brought it to her bed. She decided to email her teachers explaining she would be out of class the rest of the week and to please send whatever homework assignments they could online, stating her fathers would pick up anything she needed from school later on.
She decided to work on an essay she still owed for her English class, but after taking her medication, sleep was starting to grip her again. She nearly came out of her skin with a start when a sudden voice echoed through her room unexpectedly.
"Damn, Berry girl. You're a fucking mess," he sniffed when he walked into her room and took in the sight of her bruises.
Rachel winced as her head snapped up to find Noah Puckerman standing in her bedroom at 8:30 in the morning. Turning her head so fast only increased the throb in her skull; the persistent headache was starting to drive her mad. She never had a concussion before and hoped to never have one again.
"What the hell are you doing here, Noah? You scared me half to death. You should be at school!"
"So should you, but shit happens. Plans change," he snarked with a shrug, keeping up his tough guy façade.
"How did you get inside my house anyway? Ever heard of a telephone?"
"Spare key under the frog planter out back. But even if Hudson hadn't told me about his golden key to the Magic Kingdom here, I still woulda got in... although, climbing that tree outside your window woulda sucked balls since it's raining."
As he talked, he strutted over to her desk, grabbed the small pink and white chair with butterfly embellishments across the back of it and flipped it backwards, sliding coolly onto it to sit by her bedside. He draped his arms across the back of the seat and just stared at her for a beat. "As for phones, you don't seem to ANSWER them anymore – RUDE by the way – so I took the path of least resistance."
"What about KNOCKING first? Didn't you think my dads would take issue with you breaking in like this?"
"Nah. Anyway I don't see them around freaking out, so..."
Rachel pursed her lips and scowled at him. "They're sleeping, Noah, so keep your voice down. Also my head hurts, so do my ribs, and I'm not in the mood for company. So if you've only come to annoy me, you can just–"
"Annoy? No. Bitch out? Yeah, that seems more appropriate for the situation."
"Excuse me? Wh-what do you mean, I'm in no state for–"
"For taking on a grown-ass pervert and getting yourself caught in a situation you can't handle with your whopping 95-lbs-soaking-wet stubborn-ass self? Yeah that's true. You ARE NOT in any state to handle that. But you did it anyway... Dammit Rachel! You shoulda told me! You shoulda told Finn! We both woulda gone and beat all the yesterdays and tomorrows out of that piece of shit and he woulda never laid another hand on you or anyone else! WHY? Why the fuck did you go there alone?!"
She wrapped her arms protectively around her torso and answered quietly. "Well, Finn sort of beat him up pretty good all on his own, but–"
"Yeah I heard. All night long, I heard. And I saw his hands at the hospital, so I already knew what kinda damage they musta done. They sure never looked like that before, not even after the way he K-O'd me in the choir room last year after the shit with Quinn. It's a case where I really wish I COULD have seen the other guy."
"What do you mean all night long? You talked to Finn?"
"Yeah, Princess. Well, more like I watched him blubber for hours. He was up crying like a bitch-boy baby all night. Hummel wanted me and Cedes to wait with him until Hudson got home last night. But then Cedes had to bolt 'cause it was getting too late, then and Lady Hummel's dad came home and they had a Hallmark moment. Then Fancy Pants knocked out while we were waiting up on your boy to get home so Papa H sent him off to bed. I ended up crashing on Finn's bedroom floor for the night. But I guess Finnessa and Mama H were up for quite a while talking after they got home before he finally came to his room and kicked me awake."
"Finn kicked you?" she asked incredulously.
"Well okay, more like tripped over me in the dark."
"That's hardly the same thing, Noah."
"Potato, potahto, whatever. Same difference. I still got a bruised hip. Anyway, he kept me up blubbering 'til maybe 4:30 AM the last I checked before I crashed again. I'm not sure if he slept at all – I know I didn't, not really. But none of that's the point, babe... How could you do that, just take off without a word and go there by yourself? Did you know? Did you know what he could do to you? You had to know, Rachel, you're not stupid. In fact you're supposed to be the smartest one of all of us."
"Noah, I don't wanna discuss this. Not now, not ever, and certainly not with you. Besides, it's done and over with now, so can you just drop it and go home?"
"No I can't drop it, I'm pissed off! That was maybe the stupidest thing you've ever done, Berry, and you're not dumb, so I just don't get it!"
"And you don't NEED to! You have some nerve, barging in here like some NEANDERTHAL and berating me when all I did was defend myself and attempted to handle my own problems! I didn't need you or anyone else to know about it, or, or to fight my battles for me, because–"
"Because why? Because you were what, ashamed? Embarrassed? Humiliated? Afraid? What the fuck was it in that Crazy Berry Brain of yours that made you think it was a good idea to go out there alone like that? Don't you get it? What he was already doing was bad enough, but what if Finn and your mom hadn't shown up when they did? What if–"
"WHAT IF YOU JUST LEAVE NOW?! I said I don't want to talk about this!"
"Tough shit, I do!"
"That's too damn bad! Just stop it, Noah, you need to leave now!"
"No Rachel! Damn it all to hell, we would have protected you!" Rachel noticed a dewey sheen in his eyes and a slight quiver in his voice. He wasn't really mad... he was scared. "How long has this shit been going on, huh? Weeks? That's what Pretty Pants said, WEEKS, Rachel... we coulda helped you! I WOULD HAVE HELPED YOU! Don't you know that by now?! Don't you know that we're friends and I care about you? That I actually give a shit whether you're okay or not?" He wasn't just scared, he was hurt. She'd never seen him like this before.
But Noah Puckerman's feelings didn't matter much to her at that moment. The more he pressed her for information, the more the memories of her mistakes were slapping her in the face.
Rachel felt her anxiety level creeping into the danger zone, and as much as she didn't want the tears to fall, they were spilling over anyway. Her breath was coming too fast and her head was beginning to spin along with the dull pulsing ache from the concussion.
She was still too exhausted and in too much pain and Puck shouting at her wasn't helping at all... but her heart was clenching at his words and she was so full of regret for things she could've done differently. Puck was never one to pull his punches and she should have guessed he'd be the one to call her on her bullshit. He's practically a human lie detector sometimes. But he was also truly her friend and had been genuinely worried for her safety... Maybe he was right, maybe she should have gone to him at least if nobody else.
Still, it was too late for coulda-woulda-shoulda's now, and talking about it was not going to change anything. THIS is why she didn't want people to know!
"Noah, I... yes, of course I know you're my friend, but you don't understand. You CAN'T understand, nobody can! I can't even explain it myself. And I seriously don't want to discuss this right now, I just need you to know that I'm okay now and it's over. If you're really my friend, you'll just let this go and go home so I can rest. Please Noah, just... just go. It doesn't matter now, anyway. He's in jail and it's over and I can't... I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it, I didn't want you or anyone else to know in the first place..."
The more she rambled the more hysterical she became and the guiltier Puck felt for pushing her to this point. He quickly leaped off the chair and over to her bedside where she was propped up against some pillows using her laptop. He pushed the device off her lap and carefully wrapped his arms around her shoulders.
"Hey, it's okay... Just. You come to ME when someone's ass needs kicking from now on, you hear? Dammit, Rachel, I was so fucking scared for you. Then when Hudson called and said what he saw, I just... I just wanted to find that fucker and kill the son of a bitch. Well, first I puked, then I wanted to find him and shred him. Good thing the cops found him first. Don't you ever EVER pull some shit like that again, you hear?"
Rachel sobbed quietly into Puck's shoulder until she calmed down enough to speak, then finally whispered "I"m sorry. I'm sorry for making you worry. I'm sorry you puked."
He couldn't help but snort a laugh as he leaned back to look at her, softening his tone. "Hey, puking is just an easy Saturday for me, okay? Don't worry about that." He took a good look at her face and gently brushed the hair away from her eyes. "God your eye is a fuckin' mess. You look like Tyler Durden."
"Who's Tyler Durden?"
"Aw Berry you disappoint me... we really need to get your nose outta Barbra's ass long enough to take in a REAL movie now and again. We'll watch Fight Club when you're feeling a little better... You can maybe use a little dose of the education that movie can provide anyway."
She slapped him in the arm but he was glad to have gotten a genuine laugh from her at that comment. "But there's something else I need an answer to... Where the hell was St Jackass when that shit was goin' down all that time? Do I need to kick his ass too? I still kinda owe him for his little T-P party and the raw breakfast bar he served on your head last year anyway."
Rachel scoffed and shook her head, regretting it immediately. "No! Leave Jesse out if it, Noah! He wasn't even, I mean, he wasn't around when... he - he just didn't know anything about it, okay? So leave him alone."
"So wait, you're telling me you two drove there together, that scumbag motherfucker put his hands on you against your will when nobody was watching, and St Jerkface drove you home without noticing ANYTHING different about you at all? Fuck. Either he is the world's biggest dumbass or you are the world's best actress. For WEEKS, you hid this shit, Rachel, and for weeks he didn't know? What the hell?!"
"Well nobody else noticed either! Not my dads, not Finn, not YOU... I.. It-it's like I said, you can't possibly understand... Mr Ellis was the DIRECTOR. We had to do what he said. He would send Jesse on errands or something. There was no way Jesse could've known. And I did my best to just forget about it, which is what I wish YOU would do now."
Noah stared at her in disbelief. She wasn't wrong, Jesse wasn't the only one who didn't catch on sooner, but then again, he was the ONLY one with her exactly when all this shit was happening.
"Nah. Fuck that. If that prancy little douche wasn't so fucking full of HIMSELF, and if he really knew you at all, St Jagoff would've surely seen there was something up with you. There's no way in hell you coulda left that place right after going through shit like that and not been affected enough for him to notice. Jesus, HUDSON picked up on the changes in you days later, Rachel, and you know he ain't the sharpest tool in the shed."
"Don't talk about Finn that way, Noah! He's not stupid. He's far more observant and intelligent than most people give him credit for, just perhaps in a more unconventional way. As I said, you have no right to judge anyone since you didn't notice eith–"
Puck rolled his eyes, deciding to pick his battles. "Okay, fine, I get it. Love is blind and Hudson hung the moon, whatever. I still just don't understand why the fuck you didn't speak up sooner."
Rachel's patience with this debate was at an end. She'd fought so hard to hold another panic attack at bay, but she could feel it bubbling up from her gut and her head and eye were aching. She knew he couldn't ever understand her reasoning, and the longer this went on the more those horrific, shameful memories took over. She was done with his interrogation, so she deflected.
"When the fuck are you ever going to fix that vulgar, crass, despicable language of yours?" she countered stubbornly.
Puck pretty much needed to slap himself to be sure he didn't imagine it, but he was sure he didn't; Rachel Berry just dropped the F bomb.
"Whoa, what the– since when do YOU cuss like a sailor?"
She folded her arms defiantly in front of her chest and a stone-cold veneer washed over her. "I've changed Noah, in case you missed the memo. A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. I'm ABLE to use profanities, I just typically choose to use a more civilized, sophisticated and culturally acceptable form of vernacular. But right now I'm too irritated to care and my head hurts."
He just bobbed his head in understanding. "Okay... who are you and where is Rachel Berry? Because the girl I KNOW would never drop random F-bombs like this. But then, the girl I thought I knew wouldn't scare the shit out of me like that and put herself in that kind of danger."
"Oh ENOUGH Noah, just forget it already, okay? I don't want to discuss this anymore! It's done and over and we all need to move on and forget about it. Forget it ever happened. I screwed up, okay? You think I don't know? I screwed up! And I can't take it back. Just like I couldn't take back cheating on Finn by kissing you. And when he figures out I cheated on him a second time, that'll be the end of us, and I just—"
"HOLD UP! Back up, reverse, rewind. The hell do you mean you cheated on him a second time? Rachel... I mean, our little lip wrestling slip-up aside, you did NOT cheat on Finn. Not this time."
"That's not how he's going to see things when he has time to think it through. And I'm going to have to tell him eventually before he hears it from someone else, which will only make things worse, and that'll be that."
"You're talking BAT-SHIT crazy again. Because I KNOW you, and I know you didn't ASK for that bastard to attack you like that. I know you sure as hell didn't willingly hand yourself over to him."
"No, I didn't, not exactly... but I made choices Noah. I knew what would happen if I went there, and I went anyway. I mean, I hoped it would stop, I begged for it to stop, but the more I begged and fought him, the worse the situation got. So I knew how it was probably going to end up every time. While I may not have wanted things to happen, I knew they probably would, and I went back anyway. I essentially let it happen which is the same as cheating... but that's what dirty whores do, right?"
Puck just blinked at the small bruised girl in front of him in disbelief. She thinks this was all her fault somehow? And she's calling herself a WHORE now too?
Now he really wanted to go kill that guy.
"Rachel, you are NOT a whore! I never wanna hear you say that again. Christ, you're the furthest thing from it! And... what he did to you was NOT okay. What he did was ra–"
"SHUT UP."
His voice was calm and quiet but insistent. "Rachel, you didn't cause this. It wasn't your fault."
The tears were trailing down her face again and she felt the explosion building. The walls were closing in on her and all she wanted was to be left alone, but he wouldn't listen.
She knew she'd made mistakes and exercised poor judgment but she didn't want anyone's pity. She wouldn't be THAT girl, the poor sad victim... she'd put herself in this predicament. That's not being a victim; that's being a stupid, selfish filthy slut, worried about her reputation and how it would affect other people.
"Yes it is, now SHUT UP and just LEAVE, NOAH!"
Puck's eyes were wide and his expression severe. He shook his head exasperatedly. He couldn't believe her stubbornness – this was bad even by Rachel Berry standards. He was angry that she would shoulder the blame for something that monster did to her... what the hell, did that fucker Jedi-mind-meld her or something? He had to get through to her somehow.
"No Rach, you gotta stop saying that shit... don't you understand? You were RAPED, Rachel!"
"NO, NO, NO, I WASN'T! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! Just go, Noah, leave, you don't know! You don't understand, you don't know! I was not! I made choices, I did this to myself! I had to go back, I had to keep him happy, I had to protect Jesse and my dads and–"
As she fell into another hysterical tornado of emotions, Puck once again wrapped his arms around her, hugging her as close as he could without hurting her. "Berry girl, c'mon, calm down. Calm down, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... damn it." he exhaled harshly, frustrated with himself for quite obviously pushing her too far. "Look it's just NOT your fault at all, okay? Please baby girl, please believe me. You're smarter than that, and you know I'm telling you the truth. I'm sorry, Rach. I'm sorry I pushed so much, but... Just, cool it okay? It's not your fault."
Her tears soaked clear through his shirt but he didn't give a shit. He'd sit there and let her cry all day if he needed to while he kept whispering to her over and over that it wasn't her fault.
Finally she seemed to calm down a little and he heard her quietly whimper, "Finn's gonna hate me, Noah."
His answer was quick and easy. "Nope. Not in this lifetime, babe, probably not in the next either."
"No... He will... I'm dirty and diseased and I've done things with a stranger that I've never even done with him... Why would he want to stay with me after this? Why would anyone?"
Puck sighed and without releasing her stated plainly, "For starters because you're so damn cute and lovable. But for him? Because you're like his oxygen, babe. He needs you to survive. He ain't ever getting over you, he loves you too damned much. Yeah, he's had a shitty way of showing it sometimes in the past, and he might be a giant doucheface who doesn't really deserve you, but after listening to him these last few weeks, I can honestly say he does love you more than anything."
She slapped his chest and scolded, "Stop putting him down like that. Finn is NOT a doucheface. Yes, he's made mistakes and hurt me at times, but I hurt him too. And he's made up for his mistakes, or tried anyway."
"If you say so. You just need to cool it with that train of thought about him leaving you or hating you, 'cause I promise it just ain't happening – ESPECIALLY not over this shit."
Rachel was quiet for a few beats. She realized she'd admitted way too many things in the course of this conversation and looked him soberly in the eye. "I need to be the one to tell him these things, Noah. Please don't tell anyone anything I said to you here. I haven't told anyone else any of this and I don't plan to. I hadn't planned to say the things I said to you... I mean, Kurt guessed at a few things yesterday and I slipped up, but he didn't know everything and he still doesn't and I'd like to keep it that way. Just, please don't say anything to anyone. I'm trusting you, Noah."
He looked into her bottomless, pleading brown eyes and knew he'd do just about anything she asked... but some of what she said and the way she was behaving was bugging him too much to ignore it. She didn't seem to accept the fact that she was the victim here and she didn't deserve what happened to her.
Noah wrapped a loose strand of hair around her ear. "You got it short stuff. I won't tell anyone... on one condition. You're gonna get into a head shrinker's office PDQ and work your shit out."
She huffed at him defiantly. "Noah, I don't need–"
"Oh yes, you do. Listen babe, I'm an asshole. But I'm also your friend. As your friend, I'll keep your shit under wraps for now, but as the asshole I am, I'll sing like Mariah at the Superbowl to get you the help you need."
She started to argue with him but he wouldn't let her. "I give a shit what happens to you, Berry. All those times I ever said I liked you? I fucking meant it. And if I wasn't so into Q and you weren't so brain damaged about Hudson, maybe in another universe it'd be ME you'd be worrying about hanging onto now... But like you said, we work better as friends. And as your asshole friend, I'm telling you, your noggin needs some serious TLC from the inside out, the kind that me and Huddy and your dads and nobody else is equipped to give. So. Promise me."
She sighed but knew he wasn't going to take no for an answer. "Fine. I promise to think about it."
"You'll go, or I'll talk. I'll sing like a fucking canary, I swear it. I'll sing like Lady Hummel on Black Friday."
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Asshole."
"Oh my god... I think I could fall in love this version of you, Berry," he snickered. "At least maybe now you'll finally quit chewing me out for my 'vulgar and inappropriate language'," he mocked in falsetto.
Rachel poked him in the chest. "Don't hold your breath. Now can you seriously go and let me rest? My medicine makes me sleepy and I just took it before you barged in. Besides, I can't believe my dads haven't come in here yet."
"Yeah, fine. I could use some shut-eye myself. I'll be back though, tomorrow maybe. 'Til then, hit me up if you need me okay?"
"Now look who sounds like a bitch-boy. Are you going soft on me, Puckerman?" she teased.
He bit his tongue on the sexual innuendos that were itching to escape his mouth. "No way, babe. You just know my weaknesses and the way to my heart, that's all," he smirked.
"What, my chick tears?"
"Nope. Your potty mouth. It's pretty hot by the way. You can keep that part of the new Rachel."
With that, he winked, kissed her on the forehead and disappeared from her room.
tbc...
A/N2 - i feel compelled to mention, I don't at all condone Noah's approach in this situation, or certainly not right now... but he's PUCK. He takes a hard line on things and isn't always the most tactful person on earth. Still, Rachel needed a little bit of a wake-up call. I couldn't see Kurt getting through to her, and Finn's a little too caught between his own trauma and hers right now. Sometimes it takes the right tool for the job - even if he is an asshole. =)