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Ben sat up in bed, shoving Amaya out of his mind. He pulled down a barricade around his mind, seized with a sudden fury. How dare she say he had wanted this!? She had seen how long he'd fought against Snoke and the Dark Side. She knew how afraid of it he'd been. She knew what Luke had tried to do to him. What should he have done instead when he woke up and saw Luke? Let him kill him!?
He picked up his lightsaber and destroyed everything in the lifeless sterile room, leaving the furniture in pieces and burn marks all over the walls. When it was all reduced to rubble, he collapsed to the floor.
He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't.
The words sounded empty even to himself, a lie he couldn't quite make sound convincing. Because hadn't he wanted to give in to the Darkness? Hadn't he been tired of fighting it, of suppressing it and pretending he didn't feel the way he did? Hadn't he wanted revenge on Luke well before he'd found him standing above his bed with his lightsaber ignited? He had admitted as much to Amaya before he'd turned. He could not deny it now.
Of course he'd wanted this.
Ben leaned his head back against the wall, completely alone in his own mind for the first time in living memory. He had done it. He had shut his mind and it hadn't even been hard. Ben felt the implications of this settle uneasily in his stomach. If he'd been able to shield his mind all along, that meant Luke and Amaya had been right. He hadn't wanted to shut out Snoke. He had let him torture him day in and day out because he'd wanted him in his head.
But why?
Had it been because Snoke made him feel appreciated when no one else did? Because Snoke valued him for all the reasons his family feared him?
Or had he let in Snoke, knowing that Snoke would win, because he had wanted him to hurt him? Because he had thought that was what he deserved?
Ben looked at the rubble he'd created of his room, a mirthless laugh escaping his lips. Well wasn't it what he deserved? The scene around him was proof enough that there was something wrong with him. He was impulsive and destructive and, in the end, it had cost a whole school of Jedi children their lives.
Ben buried his head in his arms, unable to stem the grief that overwhelmed him. He had taught those children. He had helped raise some of them. He hadn't wanted to hurt them.
But he had wanted to destroy the Temple, a stubborn voice in the back of his mind insisted. If only for the briefest of moments, he had desired to burn it all down. It had represented everything he couldn't be...everything that had rejected him...and he'd wanted to destroy it.
And for that, there could be no forgiveness.
Ben struggled to breathe, frustration towards Amaya resurfacing. She claimed it wasn't too late, but it was. He'd gone too far, hurt too many people, irreparably damaged his crystal and his relationships...how dare she say he was simply refusing to fix things? There was no fixing things because the problem lay inside of him. He could leave Snoke but that wouldn't fix whatever was wrong with him. That seed of Darkness that had been there for so long he could only conclude he'd been born with the defect.
He could no sooner change his future than he could change the past. He had no choice but to shut out the Light. He could only forge on ahead, there was no turning back. Luke's vision confirmed what he was capable of and Ben's own actions had made it impossible to reverse course now. All signs pointed towards the conclusion that he was destined for Darkness.
So why couldn't he get her words out of his head? Why couldn't he silence the voice of doubt that whispered she was right?
Ben stood up, walking over to the window. Outside, the stars blinked in the distance, the ship silent and still in the dark expanse. In the sunless morning they would leave the Unknown Regions and go back towards the center of the galaxy, en route to Alfazine.
He'd sworn he loved her and yet, here he was, about to help lead a mission that would enslave her people and kill her father. Only a monster would do this to someone they claimed to love. It made him question if he even knew what love was. If he was even capable of it.
She could easily have discovered the plan, he had barely hidden it. A part of him had wanted her to discover it. And yet, instead of paging through his mind to figure out what it was he was hiding, she had decided to trust him to make the correct decisions. Her trust was so misplaced it made Ben feel sick.
He turned away from the window, genuinely feeling like he wanted to throw up. He walked back over to the bed and sat down as he started to shiver. If he destroyed her home and her family...after everything they'd been through...if he took from her the things she loved the most...he would never be able to look in the mirror again.
So why was he doing it? To shut out the Light? To make her hate him? To ensure he could never, ever be forgiven or return home? To destroy himself?
Ben felt panic grip him, unable to deny the obvious truth. Of course he was trying to destroy himself. That was the point of the Dark Side, wasn't it? The whole idea was to hurt yourself and draw power from the act. It was to feed off of your own destruction and call it strength.
But what happened to those close enough to get caught in this whirlwind of self-destruction? What happened to those who tried to stop it? Who wouldn't let go or back down? They would end up sharing Tai's fate. They would be destroyed too.
Ben ran his hands over his face. It was a cycle of ever increasing Darkness that would end in total destruction of not just himself but everyone he cared about if he followed it to completion. He knew this and he chose it anyway, time and time again, telling himself it wasn't really his choice. But it was, wasn't it?
It wasn't his destiny, it was his choice. Or, as Tai had tried to tell him, it was up to him to choose what his destiny would be.
Ben reached out a hand and summoned his lightsaber to him. He opened the hilt, his throat closing up as he looked down at the broken crystal inside. Perhaps he was already as broken as his crystal. As unfixable as Luke had believe him to be. And perhaps he'd done it to himself.
He closed the hilt of the lightsaber and ignited it, feeling the heat from the red light on his face. If he used this broken lightsaber to hurt people, he would sow not just just own destruction but the destruction of countless innocents. Innocents who didn't deserve to be caught in the whirlwind of his self-destruction. Innocents like Amaya and her family.
Ben turned off his lightsaber, a new resolve coming over him. Maybe it was too late to fix the destruction he'd wrought on his own life. Maybe he didn't even want to fix it.
But it wasn't too late to save Amaya's family.
Ben looked around his room, his heart pounding in his chest. He needed to get off this ship. And then he needed to contact the Resistance.
Only problem was...he didn't have a comlink and he had shut out the one person capable of communicating without one. He let down the barrier he had erected to keep Amaya out and called out her name, silently, into the Force. Only the blackness of space answered him, not even a hint of her presence in his mind. She was gone and he had no way to make her come back to him.
Ben swore under his breath, trying to figure out what to do. He could go to Alfazine and get Amaya's father and hide him, but that would do little to stop the invasion. But could the invasion really be stopped? General Hux had said it would be an easy fight, even if the Resistance showed up. If that was the case, perhaps the only thing he could do was save Amaya's father.
But would Amaya forgive him if he didn't warn her about the invasion? If he didn't even give the Resistance a fighting chance? The Rebel Alliance had defeated the Empire even though they were outnumbered 100 to 1. As doubtful as he was, didn't he owe it to her to try?
If he went home to Chandrila, C3PO would know how to contact the Resistance. There was no way he wasn't in contact with Leia. Yes, that was the best option.
Ben steeled himself, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he slipped out of his room and walked through the Supremacy towards the hangar bay, making sure to keep his mind firmly guarded against Snoke. When he reached it he found there was a code pad on the door and cursed under his breath. He looked up and down the hallway, searching for a stormtrooper who might be able to help him but the hallways were empty.
He closed his eyes, feeling the inside of the lock with the Force. He tried to jiggle it out of place but it proved far too complex to be manipulated with the Force - a feature Snoke had undoubtedly specifically requested.
Ben looked down at the lock, resigning himself to the inevitable. He pulled out his lightsaber and pointed it at the lock. An alarm started blaring the moment he turned on his lightsaber and cut down the lock. He pulled the door open, running out into the hangar bay. Lights turned on, revealing the empty ships and, behind him, Ben heard the boots of stormtroopers coming his way.
He ran towards the Verity, knowing it was only a matter of seconds before Snoke realized what he was doing, if not less. He climbed inside as the stormtroopers began firing on him, leaving bullet holes in the hull of the ship. He turned on the ship, his hands shaking from adrenaline, and then lifted it up, flying towards the exit as fast as he could. The door to the hangar bay began to close and Ben realized with a sinking feeling he was too far away to make it in time. He looked down at the dashboard, a rash idea entering his mind. He hesitated, just a second, but what was there to lose really?
Slamming his hand down onto the button, Ben jumped to hyperspeed. The hangar bay disappeared, replaced by the whir of light as the stars sped by, and Ben let out a shaky laugh as he realized he was still alive. It had worked. He'd really just jumped to hyperspeed from inside of a hangar bay.
He ran a hand over his face as he laughed, unable to believe it had actually worked. He was free. Alone in his mind, alone in space, with no one to tell him what to do or who to be. Snoke could not find him now. Neither could Luke. At last, he had no Master.
A feeling of relief so deep it almost made him breathless came over him. He could go anywhere. Do anything. Be anyone. He could disappear into the unknown regions, never to be seen again, and start a new life. He could reinvent himself, forget everything that had happened, let it all die...
But in doing so he would leave Amaya to deal with the fallout of his actions. She would pay the price for his choices. He could not let that happen.
Ben input the coordinates for Chandrila, feeling the ship shift as it changed direction, heading back in towards the Core Worlds.
Ben touched the Verity down outside his childhood home, an unexpected wave of loss washing over him. For so long, he had resented this house. He had associated it with his parents' absence, with loneliness, and boredom...but it had been his first home. He had had a childhood here, before his parents had sent him away, and it hadn't been all bad. It had been good enough that he hadn't wanted to leave it, despite its imperfections. Good enough that he'd thought he was being punished when he was sent away.
Ben stopped on the front steps, his throat closing up. He had never thought he would come back here. He had thought he never wanted to. But if that were true, why did he feel like crying?
Shaking his head, Ben opened the door, expecting C3PO to come running to see who was breaking into the house. But instead, his footsteps echoed through the house, not a sound to be heard. Ben entered the house, looking around the hallway. He called out for C3PO but, for once, the droid's annoying voice was nowhere to be heard.
He walked through the house, checking the kitchen, living room, and dining room to no avail. He climbed the stairs to the upper level, stopping in the doorway to his childhood room. It was just an office now. His presence had been completely erased. If a stranger were to walk into Leia and Han's home, they would never have known they had a son.
Invisible. That was how he had felt sometimes, even before he'd been sent away. There was a reason he'd been able to sneak onto the Millennium Falcon without getting caught so many times. No one had been watching him. No one had seen him except for when he threw a tantrum. Then they saw him...and they feared what they saw.
Ben turned away, checking the rest of the upper floor for C3PO before finally reconciling himself to the fact that the droid was gone. He walked back downstairs, bristling with frustration, when he heard the front door open.
He froze, sensing a familiar presence through the Force. He stopped in the doorway to the kitchen, considering trying to escape out the back porch when Han entered the hallway and saw him. Ben looked up at his father, rooted to the spot despite his desire to flee.
Han's eyes widened as he looked at him, a genuine look of concern filling his eyes, before he forced a small smile and began walking towards him.
"Hey kid." Han said. "I was worried there for a second I wouldn't catch up to you, but no ship can outrun the Millennium Falcon for long."
Ben stared at him, confused and frustrated by his casualness. Did he not know what had happened? Had he been so engrossed in his own nonsense he hadn't even noticed Ben had run away?
"What are you doing here?" Ben snapped, and Han's face fell.
"Well, I would say I came to take you home, but...it seems you're already home..."
Ben stared at Han, annoyed beyond belief. Was he really making a joke right now?
"How did you find me?" Ben asked sharply.
"There's a tracker in the Verity." Han said, and Ben could have slapped himself. Of course there was. "Amaya said you took the ship. We tracked it to the Unknown Regions and then noticed it was coming back towards the Core Worlds."
"I came to deliver a message for Amaya." Ben said. "The First Order is on its way to conquer Alfazine and eliminate all members of the High Councils, including her father. Let her know and tell her...I'm sorry."
He tried to walk past his father but Han put a hand on his shoulder and Ben froze, his composure dangerously close to fracturing. "Where are you going, Ben?" He asked.
"Why does it matter to you?" Ben asked, pulling his shoulder out of his father's grasp.
Han flinched. "Why wouldn't it matter?" He asked. "You're my son."
"You never seemed to care where I went before." Ben snapped. "Why start now?"
Han frowned. "Why do you think that?"
"Because you never paid any attention!" Ben cried, exasperatedly. "Do you even know what happened? Do you know what Luke tried to do to me? Do you know what I've done!? Or were you too busy in some gambling den with Chewie to notice your own family was imploding!?"
Han's eyebrows knit together, a look of guilt entering his eyes that confirmed Ben was at least somewhat right. "Yes, your mother told me."
"When did you find out?" Ben pressed him.
Han hesitated just a moment, before letting out a sigh. "Last night."
Ben stared at him, even more furious because he wasn't at all surprised. He couldn't count the number of times he and Leia had been unable to get in touch with Han because he had left his comlink behind in the Falcon or broken it or gotten captured by some gang or had his ship stolen or any other number of insane scenarios he somehow managed to get himself into.
"Do you even care that Luke tried to kill me?" Ben asked, and a look of hurt passed behind Han's eyes.
"Ben, of course I do." He said, taking a step towards him. Ben took a step backwards. "I love you-"
"But do you know why Luke tried to kill me!?" Ben interrupted. "Do you know what he saw?"
"Oh you know I don't put too much stock into things like that." Han said. "I trust what I can see with my own eyes. And what I see in front of me is my son."
"Your son destroyed the Temple and killed all those children." Ben choked out.
"It was an accident." Han said.
"I joined Snoke and I almost killed Voe and Hennix." Ben said.
"And yet they're both still alive and here you are, very much not with Snoke." Han said, and Ben practically growled in frustration.
"What do you want me to say, Ben?" Han asked, exasperatedly. "That I hate you? That I'm angry with you? Because I'm not."
"I want you to stop acting as if everything's okay when it's not!" Ben cried, frustration boiling over. "You know there's something wrong with me! I can see the look on your face. You're afraid. You've always been afraid. That's why you and mom sent me away-
Han frowned. "I never even wanted you to go to train with Luke." He said. "I thought you were too young. Thought it was too much pressure."
Ben stared at him in surprise, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "Then why didn't you say anything?"
"Oh you know how your mother is." Han said, with a shrug. "Once she gets her mind set on something..."
"She thought Luke could fix me." Ben snapped.
Han shook his head. "She was worried about you." He said. "But she wasn't scared of you. Those are not the same things."
Ben grit his teeth. "Luke was scared of me." He said. "Maybe not at first, but in time..."
"Luke is afraid of the Dark Side." Han said. "You don't know what he went through fighting Darth Vader."
"I know the story." Ben retorted. "I've only heard it a million times. In fact, all my life no one has ever shut up about how brave and heroic Luke Skywalker was."
"He was younger than you." Han said. "And he was terrified and confused. He was told to kill his own father and he didn't want to. In the end, Luke didn't save the galaxy. Vader did."
Ben looked at him, realizing he was right. Luke was no savior. Or if he was, the only person he'd saved had been his father.
"I always felt...like I had to live up to him." Ben said. "Like if I wasn't a legendary hero I'd failed. Because that's what it means to be a Skywalker."
"You're a Solo." Han corrected him. "And no one said Solos have to be heroes."
"Solo is a made up name." Ben snapped.
"All names are made up." Han said, with a shrug. "I never knew my father or his last name but the moment you were born, I knew I wanted to pass on Solo to you."
"You were never there." Ben said reproachfully, because why not. Why not lay everything bare at last. "You always disappeared and mom and I didn't know where you were."
Han sighed. "You know I never thought I'd be a father." He said, and Ben grit his teeth. "When you were born, I didn't know what to do. Actually, I still don't know what I'm doing. So I'm sorry if I haven't done the job right. I never had an example to copy and I'm a bit of a slow learner...or at least that's what your mother says."
Ben sighed, looking away. It was a poor excuse but he knew it was the truth.
"Look, if you'll give me one more chance, I'll try to make it up to you." Han said, and Ben felt his eyes prick with tears.
"I don't want to be a Jedi." He said.
"Nobody is saying you have to be one. Seriously, Ben, you really think I of all people care if you are a Jedi? You can be a spice smuggler for all I care." Han said with a smirk.
Ben felt guilt churn in his stomach. "I can't get rid of the Dark Side." He said. "I can't control myself sometimes. I hurt people."
Han looked at him, sadness in his eyes. "No one's asking you to be perfect."
"Forget perfect, Luke's vision almost came true." Ben said, swallowing thickly.
"Even if it had come true, I would still be standing in front of you, asking you to come home." Han said, and Ben blinked back tears.
"You don't know that." Ben protested.
"Actually, I do." Han said, a flash of pain passing behind his eyes. "Luke also saw me...do just that."
Ben swallowed thickly, trying to process this new information. "I thought you said you didn't believe in things like that."
"Well maybe that one, I do believe." Han said. "Because I can tell you right now, there is nothing you could do that would make me love you any less."
Ben stared at him, unable to believe it. How could his family still want him if he became...what he had nearly become. All his life he'd thought they could only love him if he kept his Darkness under control and filled the role set out for him. He'd thought if they knew what lay in his heart, they'd be horrified and reject him. But if Luke's vision was real, if he truly had seen the worst possible version of the future, and if even in that future, his dad had still wanted him, then that meant he'd been wrong. Snoke had been wrong.
Ben felt a wave of relief crash over him with such force that he couldn't stop a tear from escaping his eye. Han stepped forward, wrapping his arms around him as he felt more tears roll down his face. A part of him felt embarrassed but that part of him was greatly overshadowed by the part of him that was relieved beyond belief.
When he finally stopped, he stepped back, wiping away his tears. He didn't know where they went from here but, for once, he didn't feel as if someone else was dictating to him what to do. He could decide for himself what happened next. Snoke was no longer in his head and Luke was no longer his master. He was free from both of them. Maybe he could never be rid of the Dark Side, but maybe he didn't have to be. Maybe he could be both Dark and Light like Amaya had been insisting all along. Maybe he had always known this, he had just never wanted to believe it.
"Your mother's worried sick." Han said, and Ben felt his insides twist painfully.
"I don't know if I can face her." He said, hollowly.
"Trust me." Han said. "She's spent most of our relationship being mad at me but I've yet to do something she can't find it in her heart to forgive. You have nothing to worry about."
Ben let out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes.
"Your girlfriend misses you too." Han said, a knowing look in his eyes.
Ben didn't even bother to correct him. It didn't matter anymore. He would never be a Jedi and, in any case, his relationship with Amaya was the least of his transgressions at this point. "She deserves better than me." Ben said.
"Why don't you let her decide what she deserves." Han replied, and Ben looked away.
"And if I don't deserve her?" He asked, without looking at his father.
"Ben." Han chided. "You're overthinking it. Just come back with me. We'll figure it out."
Ben looked at Han, terrified by the hope inside of him. "What if I mess things up again?" Ben asked. "What if I lose control and someone gets hurt again-"
"You think running away is going to solve that?" Han asked.
Ben shut his mouth, unable to deny he was right. He had tried running away and it had only caused more damage.
When he didn't respond, Han smiled. "Come on, Ben." He said, putting a hand on his arm. "Let's go."