The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Ghosts characters has gone where everyone else has gone before. Just some fun madness from my tiny mind.
Ghost Trek
Somewhere in the dreamscape…A lone spaceship is flying through the cosmos with its crew. And a certain chef at the helm.
"Captain's log," Jay spoke from his chair, wearing a star captain's uniform. "We are plotting a star course on the ship SS Marsala. Our regular starship is in the shop getting its thrusters updated. We've been assigned to study the star system 8675309. So far, we have discovered six planets, thirty-seven moons, 37 asteroids…"
The ship rocked. "Make that thirty-eight asteroids," Jay groaned. "How are the shields holding up Sasappis?"
Sasappis was wearing a second in command space uniform with pointy ears and piloting the ship. "Shields are holding Captain."
"X-99," Jay addressed a cyborg woman. "Report."
X-99 turned to Jay. "Captain, so far our scanners have not indicated any sort of life forms. However, they are not calibrated for single celled life forms."
"That might be for a different mission," Jay said. "We're looking for intelligent life forms we can communicate with."
"That lets my family out," A purple crewmember spoke up. "And half of my planet."
"That's enough Glemgor…" Jay waved. "Wait a minute where's Blargor? And half of my usual crew?"
"No idea," Sasappis admitted. "It's your dream."
"I think they're on vacation," Glemgor remarked.
"Just go with it," Sasappis told Jay. "It's pretty much the first rule of dream walking."
"Okay fine," Jay sighed.
"Captain," X-99 spoke up. "There is a large asteroid field in front of us."
"Prepare to enter," Jay told them.
"Say what?" Sasappis asked. "We're doing what now?"
"We're going to fly into the asteroid field," Jay told him.
"Why?" Sasappis asked. "You know that's dangerous right? I mean dream or not that's still pretty risky."
"It's just what spaceships do," Jay told him. "There are asteroid fields. Spaceships fly into them."
"Don't they often get destroyed in asteroid fields?" Glemgor asked.
"Not now Glemgor," Jay told him.
"Here's something that I don't understand," Sasappis remarked. "Space is supposed to be infinite on all sides, right? Then why don't starships simply fly over the asteroid fields. Or around it? Or under it?"
"Well, it's a tactical maneuver," Jay explained.
"But we're not being chased," Sasappis pointed out. "I could understand it if we were attacked by a fleet of alien starfighters. Then use the asteroids for cover. That makes sense. But we're not being chased. There's no reason for us to fly into the asteroid field."
X-99 blinked. "That is extremely logical."
"Well, we do need to scan the asteroids," Jay told him. "To see if there's life or valuable minerals or…Space monsters."
X-99 asked. "Why do we want to scan for space monsters?"
"To see if they're out there!" Jay snapped. "So we can put up warning signs! Danger! Space Monsters! Don't fly here!"
"But we have this highly advanced technology," Sasappis said. "We can just fly over and around the asteroid field and scan it to find the space monsters."
"He has a point," Glemgor spoke up.
"Extremely logical." X-99 nodded.
"We need samples," Jay said. "We need to take samples of the asteroid."
"Then take them from one of the asteroids at the edge of the asteroid field," Sasappis suggested. "And use a probe. No need for any of us to go out there."
"That is the logical tactic," X-99 nodded.
"Will you people just…?" Jay groaned in frustration. An alarm sounded. "What's that?"
X-99 looked at the monitor. "Captain. An Insectoid Battle cruiser is coming this way. It's preparing to fire."
The spaceship rocked. "It's firing on us," X-99 remarked. "And we're being hailed."
A green insect like alien was shown on screen. "Greetings Federation scum…I am Irk! Captain of this vessel. And I will destroy you! MUAH! HA HA!"
"We're not the Federation," X-99 corrected.
Irk blinked. "Really? You're dressed like one of those Trek Star things."
"It's similar but not exactly," Jay explained.
"Copyright issues?" Irk asked.
"Pretty much," Jay admitted.
"Well then who are you?" Irk asked. "I'd like to know the name of the people I blow up. It's mostly for paperwork reasons. I need to send in reports on who I blew up and when. Bunch of bureaucratic nonsense I know. But I still have to do it."
Sasappis blinked. "Yeah, who are we exactly? I'd like to know the answer to that."
"We're the…" Jay paused.
"You don't know?" Sasappis asked.
"Give me a few seconds," Jay snapped. "Okay got it. We're the Planetary Union States."
Irk blinked. "You know that acronym spells PUS right?"
"And we aren't technically states if we're made up of planets," Glemgor added.
"Okay fine…" Jay waved. "Okay how about this one? We're the Intergalactic Union Of Planets."
"That's better," Irk admitted. "Hey are we at war with the IUP?"
Another insect alien spoke up. "We're at war with pretty much everybody. Odds are yes."
"IUP?" Sasappis asked.
"It's a working title," Jay snapped.
Glemgor snickered. "IUP…As in I You Pee…Get it? It indicates that You and I pee…"
"WORKING TITLE!" Jay shouted. "It's a working title!"
"Okay so for the record the ship we're going to blow up is part of this Intergalactic Union of Planets thingy," Irk told his crew. "Use the full name. Sounds better on the form. PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED!"
"Evasive maneuvers!" Jay ordered his crew. "Fly into the asteroid field!"
"Are you sure…?" Sasappis asked.
"YES, I'M SURE!" Jay shouted as the alien ship fired on them. "SHIELDS UP! SHIELDS UP!"
"Okay," Sasappis gulped as he piloted the ship. "Flying into the asteroid field."
"Try not to hit the asteroids," Jay told him.
"Considering I've never even driven a car much less piloted a spaceship…" Sasappis remarked. "We can't die in a dream, right?"
"You're asking me?" Jay shouted. "You're the dream expert!"
"I'm not a dream expert technically," Sasappis admitted. "I just enter people's dreams and sometimes find out what they're thinking and manipulate…Oh wait. I am a dream expert."
CRASH! THUD!
"Too bad you're not a piloting expert," Jay groaned as the ship was rocked.
"This is my first time flying a spaceship!" Sasappis told him. "Have you ever flown a spaceship?"
CRASH! THUD!
"I know not to crash into the asteroids!" Jay snapped.
"It was a small one," Sasappis told him. "And our shields protected up."
"WELL, THAT'S A BIG ONE!" Jay pointed. "PULL UP! PULL UP! PULL UP!"
"How do I do that again?" Sasappis looked at the controls. "Oh right…"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Everyone screamed as the spaceship went up, barely missing the asteroid. But everything and several crew members were flying.
Jay barely held onto the captain's chair. "Where are the seatbelts on this thing? This is definitely a design flaw."
"You know what else is a flaw?" Sasappis snapped. "Letting a guy from a time when wagons were barely invented pilot a spaceship!"
"You're the one who wanted to fly it!" Jay shouted.
"That was before you told me to fly into an asteroid field!" Sasappis snapped.
Glemgor looked at X-99. "We're going to die, aren't we?"
"It appears that we are merely figments of the captain's imagination," X-99 explained. "We're not technically alive in the first place."
"So, is that like a good thing or…?" Glemgor asked.
"STARBOARD! STARBOARD!" Jay shouted.
"Which is…?" Sasappis asked.
"TURN RIGHT! RIGHT!" Jay shouted.
"You could have just said that!" Sasappis did so.
THUD! THUD! THUD!
"You hit at least three more asteroids!" Jay shouted.
"They were small ones!" Sasappis snapped. "I'm missing the big ones!"
"BARELY!" Jay shouted.
THUD! CRACK!
"Oh, we are so not getting our deposit back on this spaceship," Sasappis winced.
"Shields have been damaged," X-99 reported. "Down to 60 percent."
"Still think flying into an asteroid field was a good idea, Captain?" Sasappis asked sarcastically.
"Don't start with me Sass!" Jay shouted. "LEFT GO LEFT! LEFT!"
CRASH! THUD!
"Shields at 50 percent," X-99 reported.
THUD!
"Forty-nine percent," X-99 reported. "Forty-eight…"
"I GET THE PICTURE!" Jay shouted. "Look we had to go into the asteroid or else Irk would have blown us up!"
"He still can," Sasappis realized. "He could just use his lasers or whatever to blow up an asteroid and start a chain reaction or something."
"Just fly the damn ship and get us out of here!" Jay shouted.
Glemgor grumbled. "I could have been in a lovely dream where green women danced around or in one of those places where candy is alive. But nooooo…."
"Hang on!" Sasappis turned a hard left.
After a few more thuds they were out of the asteroid field. "Are we through the asteroids?" Jay asked.
"Technically Sasappis piloted the ship through a small shortcut on the port side," X-99 explained. "But yes we are through. Shields are less than 20 percent. We could not have taken another hit."
"See? We're fine," Sasappis grinned.
"Except for the fact that the Insectoid battle cruiser is directly in front of us," X-99 pointed out.
"WHAT?" Jay shouted.
"Oh this can't be good," Glemgor groaned.
Irk was on screen. "Greetings fools! I see you've arrived on time for your destruction!"
"How did you get through the asteroids so fast?" Jay asked.
"Oh, that's easy," Irk told him. "We just flew over the asteroid field and used our scanners to track you."
Sasappis looked at Jay. "Really? Interesting. You chose to fly over the asteroid field."
Irk remarked. "Why wouldn't I? It's an asteroid field. Those things are dangerous."
"No kidding," Glemgor groaned.
Irk went on. "Any space captain with a brain wouldn't voluntarily go into an asteroid field if he didn't have to."
"Well, you were firing on us," Jay snapped. "You didn't have to. We had to use it for cover!"
"It's not that good cover," Irk remarked. "You guys were almost smashed to bits at least five times."
"But we weren't!" Sasappis protested.
"To be honest I considered using our proton cannon to cause a chain reaction to send the asteroids flying around," Irk went on. "But our proton cannon is a bit low on power and I thought…Ehhh…Odds are seventy-thirty you'd get destroyed anyway. Why waste valuable proton energy when you don't need to? Am I right?"
"I don't believe this," Jay groaned.
Irk went on. "And if you weren't destroyed all we had to do was just fly over and ambush you after you got out of the asteroid belt when your shields are damaged…By the way whoever you have as a pilot did a terrible job. Like he never flew a spaceship before in his life."
"Hey! We're alive aren't we?" Sasappis snapped. "More or less..."
"Not for long," Irk smirked.
"Sass…" Jay gulped. "Do something!"
"Like what?" Sasappis shouted. "THIS IS YOUR DREAM!"
"We're doomed," Glemgor groaned.
"Existence was interesting while it lasted," X-99 remarked.
"Okay my dream," Jay focused. "My dream…My dream…"
"Jay think of something!" Sasappis shouted.
"Think of how nice oblivion will feel," Irk cackled. "And how nice it would feel for me to finally finish my quota on destroyed spaceships. I tell you I was really…GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY WHAT IS THAT?"
"RRRARRRR!" A giant sandwich with huge eyes and fangs between the bread (apparently where its mouth was supposed to be) appeared on screen. "What the…?" Sasappis blinked.
"It appears to be…" X-99 blinked. "A giant living sentient…Italian toasted sub. With onions…"
"Oh, right that's what I had for dinner," Jay realized as the giant sandwich swallowed up the enemy spaceship. "And sometimes raw onions give me weird dreams."
"Told you that you couldn't blame me for this one!" Sasappis told him. "Uh oh…The sandwich is turning towards us!"
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Jay shouted. "BACK INTO THE ASTEROID FIELD!"
"How does this thing go in reverse?" Sasappis shouted as he tried all the buttons. "Forget it! I'm out of here!"
Sasappis then disappeared. "OH, COME ON!" Jay shouted. "SASS!"
"RARRRR!" The sandwich advanced.
"How can a sandwich fly in space?" X-99 asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Jay screamed.
Back to the real world…
"JAY! JAY!" Sam shook her husband as they lay in bed. "Jay wake up!"
"Wha-What?" Jay woke up. "Oh, it was just a dream."
"I told you that you shouldn't have had the raw onions in your sandwich," Sam told him. "You know they give you nightmares. And bad breath."
"Is Sass still here?" Jay looked around. "Thanks a lot for leaving me to be eaten by that space sandwich!"
"Space sand…?" Sam caught herself. "Sass isn't here Jay. Were you two sharing a dream again?"
"Yeah, it started out normal," Jay told her. "We were flying into this asteroid field on a space ship…"
"Why?" Sam asked. "Wouldn't it make more sense to fly around or over the asteroid field?"
"Not you too…" Jay groaned. "It was a tactical maneuver to evade an enemy alien spaceship!"
"Wouldn't the alien spaceship simply fly over the asteroid field?" Sam asked. "And use some kind of scanners to track you? Then ambush you after you emerged from the asteroid field?"
"Oh, for crying out…" Jay groaned.
"And couldn't the asteroids smash into your ship?" Sam asked. "Or at the very least damage your shields? And wouldn't the alien spaceship simply shoot inside the asteroid field to cause some kind of chain reaction?"
"Sam…"
"I'm just saying I never understood that scene in science fiction movies," Sam shrugged.
"I should have let the stupid sandwich eat me," Jay groaned.