It's difficult sometimes being a parent. Yes, you get to enjoy all the fun things and have an excuse to do a lot of 'kid stuff' you had long since grown out of. You get to be proud as you watch them grow up, learn new things and achieve accomplishments. You feel good because HEY, I taught him how to do that!; but you also have to be the disciplinarian. You have to set rules and boundaries and teach them about consequences. Sometimes, they need to be held accountable for their missteps. But you have to find the balance and know how to give them the space to make their own mistakes and learn from them too (if they're lucky). It's a fine line between punishment for breaking rules and breaking their spirit, of tough love or not enough love.
I'd like to think my son has learned not just from his own mistakes but from those around him. Considering the MAGNITUDE of mistakes some of the people in his life have made, I always hoped he was paying extra close attention! And as parents, we screw up sometimes too. Hey, I'm just a mom, a human; I err. But I try to learn and grow from my mistakes too. But I do my best to be there for my son, and for anyone important in his life. Once they matter to him, they matter to me just as much (well, usually – certain blonde cheerleaders notwithstanding).
See, along with your own child comes their friends, who become extensions of your heart and surrogate children sometimes. This has always been the case with Noah Puckerman from the day Finn first brought him home after school in first grade. These boys have been brothers in every sense of the word ever since and Noah has been a second son to me for that long as well.
As a child, Noah was even more precocious than Finn, and oftentimes the mastermind behind all the trouble they got into... but he was also the comic relief and the first one to stand up for Finn in a playground scuffle. They've shared more with each other than I probably know, and I think the fact they both are missing a father in their lives bonded them in ways I'll never understand. (Norah's husband was an alcoholic and decided he was better off without a family, so he just up and left them when Noah was still in grade school. I tend to blame THAT poor excuse for a man for a lot of the trouble that started plaguing Noah by the time he hit puberty.) They have been thick as thieves forever... which is why this situation with Quinn Fabray and Rachel Berry is so upsetting to me.
Rachel was right when she said you can't help who your heart chooses sometimes, and I also know all the teenage hormones involved hadn't helped their circumstances in the least. But Noah really should have known better than to go behind Finn's back with Quinn, and I was quite disappointed he'd put a girl before his friendship or was willing to sacrifice the tender kind soul of Rachel Berry along the way as so much collateral damage.
What on earth was so special about QUINN FABRAY?
Naturally, if battle lines were to be drawn and sides chosen, I was on my son's first every time (unless he was the CAUSE of the battle, like in the case of the 7th grade science fair debacle when he really DID almost set fire to Norah's sofa; although I still think Noah had more of a hand in that mess than they both claimed).
But that doesn't mean I could suddenly stop caring about a boy I've loved like my own for more than half his life. So when said boy turned up on my front doorstep unannounced (knocking – something he never does) on an evening when Finn was at Rachel's house, of course I was a little surprised to see him, but of course I also invited him in. (Mostly so I could finally chew him out for being such a thoughtless little SHIT!)
I stood looking at him in the open doorway with my arms folded, trying to decide whether I wanted to scream or not.
"Well, well. Look what the cat dragged in."
"Hey Ma. Miss me?" he asked timidly with a half smirk that I swear he picked up from Finn. Too bad for him he neither has the dimples nor DNA to make it as effectual on me though.
"Yes, believe it or not, I have... but mainly because I've been wanting to give you a little piece of my mind, young man. If you've finally come to apologize to Finn, I'm not sure he'd be ready to accept it yet – although your timing isn't so good since he isn't home right now."
"Yeah, well... I do wanna talk to Finn, but I know he's not here. I heard him and Berry talking about their plans for dinner with her dads tonight. Better him than me – especially when she said it's Show Tunes Tuesday at the Bat-shit Berry cave and she was planning to make Finn do the sing-along spiel with the three of them. He didn't look too happy about the idea and I can't say I blame him, but he seems just whipped enough to go through with it anyway."
Okay I was unaware my son was being made to go do sing-alongs with his girlfriend and her two fathers... ooo I wish I could see that with my own eyes! I'll have to ask Rachel to get some video for me in secret next time!
"For goodness sake Noah. There's nothing 'whipped' about making your girlfriend happy or trying to please her parents! You could take a lesson from Finn and learn to be a little more considerate sometimes."
"Yeah yeah, I get it. He's the good seed and I'm The Omen."
I slapped him in the leg with the kitchen towel I still had in my hand when I answered the door. "Stop that right now. You're good too, Noah, you just... take the long way of getting there sometimes. At any rate, I'm happy to hear you're ready to try and work things out with him, but if you know he isn't here, then why–"
"I needed to talk to someone, Ma. I need your help. I'm kinda freaking out and I'm... I'm in a world of sh– crap, and...I - I don't know how to tell my mom yet. I didn't know who else to turn to right now and I was kinda hoping you would like, not kick me out on my ass."
"You really need to clean up your language, mister. And dear god please don't tell me you're in trouble with the authorities again! You swore you wouldn't shoplift EVER AGAIN after you got caught the last time!"
"Aw man... if only it was something that simple..."
My heart sank as this confident, cocky 16-year-old boy who's normally so fearless and full of bravado broke down and paced my living room like a caged animal looking like a scared little boy. He looked worse than the time he'd broken my favorite picture frame of me and Christopher when he and Finn decided to play INDOOR basketball one rainy summer afternoon in fifth grade. I decided it was fear and regret rolling off him in waves. Something BIG was very wrong.
"Noah, of course I would never turn you away sweetheart, but you need to calm down and–" I grabbed him by the shoulders and tried to turn him to face me, and before I could say anything else he wrapped me in a tight hug that took my breath away while he hid his face in my shoulder. I could tell he was fighting back tears. "Hey, hey honey, it's okay. Talk to me. What happened?"
He finally let me go after a minute but kept his eyes fixed on the floor. He sniffled once then blew my mind with his quiet confession. "I knocked up Quinn and I'm gonna be a dad."
Holy shit... Of all the things he could've confessed, that was the farthest thing from my mind. Norah was going to disown him! Well, okay no, she would never actually do that (I don't think?)... but she sure as hell wasn't gonna be happy! I could picture her sitting shiva for the next nine months...
"Oh Noah, honey... When did you find this out? You're sure?"
"Yeah. She just told me today. I guess she had a baby doctor appointment that confirmed it and everything, so it's real. She's uh... she's like two months along I guess, since the kid's due sometime in May."
"And she's staying with you now?"
"Yeah, well, she was supposed to be moving in with her sister in like another two weeks, but she's pretty sure that's not gonna fly now. I'm just so... FUCK! I'm such a screw-up, y'know? I shoulda known it was gonna happen eventually... but Ma I'm NOT gonna be like my old man! I wanna do right by her and my kid, and she's fighting with me about it right now. She thinks I'm nothing but a loser, but she doesn't get it! That's MY KID, my responsibility! I mean I know I mess up a lot, and under most other circumstances I might even agree with her not trusting me to pull through for this, but this is different y'know? She doesn't wanna get rid of it but she doesn't wanna raise it either, and I just don't know how I feel about that."
"You mean she wants to give it up for adoption?"
"I guess. She's more worried about Cheerios and her reputation than her own kid right now and it's pissing me off."
Two months. Two months. Oh my god, two months ago she was... "So, if you just found out today, and she's two months along, that means she was still dating Finn and living in MY HOUSE... Noah, are you really su–"
"Ma, she never slept with Finn, if that's where you're goin' with this. I'm her one and only because despite her cheating on him, she's just not that kinda chick. 'Sides, pretty positive Finny-D's v-card is still intact – unless he's jumped the fence into the Berry patch already. But based on what I know about that crazy little Jew princess and what I see between them in school, I doubt it. She's way too much of a prude to give it up that quick and he's way too much a pus– scared to shoot for the moon. I kinda always had her pegged as a good candidate for the star of the next 30 Year Old Virgin movie anyway."
Okay I'm not sure how many simultaneous heart attacks and silent hallelujahs I had up to that point, but they were MANY, I can assure you.
"Umm, alright I'll take your word for... all of that. And I hope you're right about Finn."
"Y'know, I know Finn's pissed at me, but I gotta be honest, Ma – he should probably be thanking me. I've known since maybe the second week of school that he's been hot for Berry all this time. I probably knew it before he did. Yeah, I gave him hell about Glee and even about her for being queen of the freaks, but–"
"YES speaking of that!" Oh, I just couldn't help seeing red at the memory of Rachel's story about emergency slushy clean-up kits! "How could you possibly do something as cruel and heartless as throwing frozen drinks at ANYONE, much less that sweet young girl?! I can't believe you'd behave like that Noah and it disappoints me to no end!"
"Hey I'm a shit, okay? You know it, I know it... and I own it. But I do regret the crap I gave Berry now. You're right, she didn't deserve to be treated like that... and I did try to make it right with her. She forgave me... so I'm kinda hoping you will too?"
Now how on earth could I look into that sincere face and stay mad? "You'd better NEVER EVER torture anyone like that again young man, do you hear me?"
"Yes ma'am. No worries though. I've had a couple grape slushies slung my way and they suck. I get it now."
"Good. Now... sorry I interrupted you. You were saying Finn should thank you?"
"Yeah I mean, him and Q, they just never really gelled that well together, y'know? He's... he's never really been happy with her. You know what I'm talking about Ma, you've seen it too."
I honestly couldn't argue that point. He started off happy enough but things took quite a turn somewhere along the way pretty early into their relationship. Maybe Russell and Judy had something to do with the way she treated Finn, but that girl has always had issues in my opinion.
"Well... even if your observations are correct, none of that should give you free license to do what you two did to him. Finn's practically your family, Noah. You just don't do that to family. That said, I can see the chemistry between you and Quinn and I'd suspected you'd had feelings for her for a long time."
"Yeah. It came as a total surprise to me, but I've had a thing for her going back to middle school. Somewhere along the way, I guess I finally realized it was more than a crush. She was like, my ultimate challenge for a long time... my dream girl. But she'd never give me the time of day. I still don't know what changed her mind at that party a couple months back... that was uh, the first time we, um, hooked up. Okay, she had a wine cooler and said she felt fat, but she was pissed at Finn for not being there with her. And maybe I talked her into it just a little bit. Maybe I was a little drunk too and liked being the shoulder she cried on. I knew why Finn wasn't there, he was with Rachel and the rest of the music nerds that night. Quinn didn't know though... but she DID know he had a thing for Berry."
I decided to hold back on the teen drinking lecture. It wasn't going to change anything and at that point there were bigger fish to fry.
"She did?"
"Aww Ma, EVERYONE KNEW. Everyone 'cept Finnocence. He kept tryin' to deny it, but I'm telling you, if you'd seen them even just talking in class or standing in the hall looking at each other, it was so obvious. They were boning for each other from the minute they sang together I think. And when I snuck into that auditorium and saw them singing that Journey song... I just knew."
"When did you see them singing Journey?"
"Right at the start I guess, when Finn flaked out on me and the team, shootin' down the coolest prank we could've ever pulled... That was the day he told me and the whole football team he was gonna do both Glee and football and we could all stuff it if we didn't like it. Gotta say that took balls – balls I didn't know he had. I was kinda proud of him to be honest – not that I'd ever tell him that. But I guess that's why he's the QB, the leader. He sees things in ways most of us can't; I normally just do whatever the hell I feel like and don't usually give a damn about the consequences."
"Right. I'm all too aware."
"Yeah well, that's why me and Finn work as friends. I get him to loosen up and enjoy life a little and he knocks me in the nads when I'm crossing the line too far. Like that day he stopped the prank and told us all about Glee. At first I was kinda pissed at him for turning his back on his buds, on his brothers, his TEAM... and I couldn't figure out what the hell was so OOO-LA-LA about that group of nerds to make him put everything on the line and choose them.
"We finished practice without him and when I went to change I noticed all his stuff was still in the locker room so I went to see what was up. That's when I saw them singing together. All of them, but especially him and Rachel. I had to admit he sounded pretty rad, even if his dancing was pretty ridiculous. I knew he could sing pretty good, but not like that."
"Wait, you knew he was a good singer? HOW?"
"Oh yeah! When we were kids we used to talk all the time about starting a band. We fought over which one of us would be the lead singer. I even tried to teach him some of my cool body wave moves but he couldn't pull it off. Looked like an epileptic having a fit... We had a sing-off and everything one time, but then you called us in for brownie sundaes so we just called it a tie."
"I guess I was the last to know about his hidden talents."
"That's 'cause he was always too embarrassed to sing in front of you. You're his world y'know? He was afraid to screw up in front of you. I dunno what Schuester did to snap him outta that awkward phase, but he sure wasn't being shy with that group of losers and weirdos..."
"That's not very nice Noah, you shouldn't call them–"
"Hey I'm one of them now, so it's like a term of endearment now or whatever. Anyway, seeing them all perform together, I knew it wasn't Schue who pulled him outta his wussy shell. Schue wasn't even there. It was Rachel. That girl's sneaky hot, y'know? And I could tell watching the two of them ogling each other the way they were, he was sunk.
"In all the time they dated, he never once looked at Quinn the way he was looking at Berry during that song. He had that big sappy smile and looked happier and more carefree than I'd ever seen him. Maybe it was the music, maybe it was the feeling of bucking against the system like he was, but I knew at the end of the song when he wrapped his arms around her and spun her off the floor, it was the girl."
"Rachel is a sweetheart, Noah... and I think they are good for each other. As for Glee, there's nothing wrong with Finn following his heart either. I happen to be very proud of him for standing up for what he believes in, for doing something that makes him so happy... or at least, he WAS, up until you and Quinn broke him. And you have to know how much what you two did hurt him, Noah. He hasn't been the same since. Rachel's been talking to him and so have I – that is, when he'll talk about it. But he isn't ready to go back to that club yet. And now with THIS news, well... I'm not sure how he's gonna react. But I think you should be the one to tell him."
"Yeah. I know... Look Finn's my boy, my best friend. Don't you think I feel like crap about this? Don't you think I miss him and could use my brother right now? So yeah... I DO wanna work this crap out with him – if he'll ever listen with his ears and not his fists."
"He will. I'll make sure of it and so will Rachel. Although, you can't blame him for being that hurt and lashing out at you."
"I don't. I deserved a beat down for it, I know it. But what he did to Q with Rachel wasn't much better either, you know."
"No, it certainly wasn't, and he and I have discussed as much." I took a long cleansing breath as silence fell between us for a few minutes. "So. Quinn wants to give the baby up for adoption?"
"Yeah it sounds like it. I don't like the idea... but I guess I can't change her mind. Not like I'm gonna stop trying though. I could be a good dad, y'know. Everyone thinks I'm nothing but a screw-up and a Lima Loser, and I can't argue with most of it – but not when it comes to this."
"You will be Noah. You'll be a GREAT dad... one day. Oh but honey, you're just a kid yourself right now. Maybe adoption would be the best thing for the baby, especially if Quinn isn't ready to become a mom. There are countless people out there I'm sure who would give anything to have a child of their own, who are already financially stable and emotionally prepared. Sweetheart, you and Quinn are still so young and have so much left to do before you should be thinking of raising children of your own."
"What does age have to do with it?! If you love it enough and you're actually THERE and WANT to be a good parent, then you just ARE! Look at my old man, he was a grown-ass man and married even, didn't stop him from being the world's biggest DICK and walking out on us! I'm not gonna be like him, Ma. The best thing he ever taught me is how NOT to be a good dad." That's probably very true. "Anyway... what if it was Finn? What if Finn came and told you he put a bun in Berry's oven? Would you be telling him the same thing? Or would you wanna SEE your own grandkid and be part of it's life? Or would you rather spend forever knowing your grandbaby was out in the world somewhere with strangers, living a whole life you weren't ever gonna be a part of?"
Shit. Shit shit shit. See, this is what I meant when I said how smart Noah can be, how good he is at reading people and situations... He was making some good points, and it was hard to argue against them.
"Noah, I don't doubt your sincerity or your heart. And dear lord I hope it never is Finn in this situation... but if it ever were – which it never WILL BE if I can help it – I'd support him in any way possible with whatever was decided. The baby's mother usually does have the most say in the matter though, Noah, and you need to try to be more understanding about that. She's the one who has to carry it and give birth and has a physical connection to that child you will never fully understand. And if after those nine months of feeling that kind of bond, she is still willing to trust someone else to provide the things she feels incapable of, then you need to hear that.
"Just... I think you need to tell your mother, honey. Have a long talk with her. I can give you my opinions all the livelong day, but it isn't me you need to hear from. This really is a matter best handled between you, Quinn and your parents."
"Yeah well, Q doesn't wanna tell her folks at all. I kinda can't blame her either, considering how they threw her out and everything. In my book they're no better than John Puckerman. And you know my Ma's gonna beat my ass when she finds out."
I couldn't help my small chuckle because Norah can have quite the temper sometimes – not like Noah doesn't push her to it though. "She might... or she might just surprise you. Do you want me to be there when you tell her?" Please say no please say no...
"Nah. Thanks, but I gotta man up now. I created this mess, I gotta take care of it myself I guess."
"Well you didn't create it alone; Quinn should've been more responsible, too. But Noah accidents happen all the time no matter how careful or prepared you try to be. The main thing at the end of the day is that you are your mother's only son; she loves you. I know Norah well enough to know she might be a bit emotional at first, but I know she'll be there for you both."
"I hope you're right, but what if she pulls a Fabray on us and kicks us BOTH to the curb?"
"She won't."
"I hope you're right."
"Sweetie I don't have all the answers for you here, but I know you are smart enough and responsible enough to make the right choices. Just... talk to your mom. Talk to Quinn. Whatever you all decide, it should be for the baby's best interests. Sometimes the most selfless, loving thing a parent can do is to walk away."
"That what you think Johnny Appleseed did for us?" His sarcasm wasn't lost on me, and of course that's what he would infer.
"Noah. You already said it: you are not your father. What he did was for himself. I know you, you're not that kind of selfish. It's not who you are. You have made mistakes in the past, yes, but those mistakes are NOT who you are. Don't let it define you like that."
"Tell that to Q."
We talked a while longer about his unfortunate situation and a little more about his relationship with Finn. I was hoping he'd stick around for when Finn got back, but he needed to go deal with Quinn and talk to his mother first. I just hoped when Finn heard this news he wasn't going to act out over it.
As I finished folding the laundry that evening I decided Noah's probably right... Finn dodged a bullet.