Snap Back To Reality 35
Suzuki Taichi Part 2/2
If anyone told Taichi that he would willingly hang around with Cousin Matsu, he would have called them mad, and a terrible judge of character too. The Matsu he knew was abrasive, rude, and liked to put others down. Well actually… Matsu was still abrasive and rude, but he had changed. He would get irritated very quickly about whatever direction Taichi would give him, as if being asked to do something was an affront to his dignity, but then he'd correct himself not a moment later and do the work diligently. Currently all Taichi was doing was showing him the different kinds of bread, their components and how to work the oven. Matsu was a slow, but not quite terrible learner.
Mebuki would take pleasure in lounging back and eating whatever Matsu would bake to criticise it to hell and back, and Taichi felt like he was caught between two wild animals in their presence. Still, they were lively, and a welcome distraction. Occasionally he would catch himself looking out the window and wondering if Hina was doing ok, and then his thoughts would wander to darker places. Mostly it happened at night, when he was alone in bed, in a house filled with nothing but ghosts, and a pregnant silence that seemed to seep into his very bones. Even the nightmare filled screams of his late mother would have been better than the blank silence he was received with.
It was opening day though, so he didn't have a moment to even let his thoughts wander. Mebuki was tasked with taking care of Tsukiya, so Taichi wouldn't really have to worry about his baby brother. He was so grateful Hina had thought to hire a nanny before she left, and to take care of all the bills too. He'd learnt how to manage it now, but he soon found out everything was already paid for, and so he could focus on his mission at hand.
"Did you pull out the first batch Matsu-kun?" Taichi asked from the front desk.
"Yeah, on it!"
Taichi watched as Matsu grabbed the too big metal peel, a large spatula like shovel, to scoop the hot bread under. The smell hit Taichi's nose and he nearly cried. He didn't know whether it was sad tears, or happy tears. After months of living in the house, it smelt stale, and unlived in without the smell of fresh bread wafting in. Now Taichi thought… things could go on, even if it would never be the same again, it could go on. He wiped at his wet cheeks.
"T-Taichi, you uh—ok there, man?" Matsu asked.
"I-I'm so happy," Taichi sobbed, before he pushed back the tears and smiled. "We're going to bake the best bread around!"
"Heck yeah man! Loving that enthusiasm!" Matsu hollered, a grin taking his face.
And then they began putting the bread in paper bags and lining it up the front. Taichi felt giddy with excitement. It was finally going to happen. He pulled on his tousan's resized apron and went to the front door and flipped the sign for the first time in months. He walked outside and a few of his neighbours and old customers noticed, and their eyes grew wide, before smiles took their faces.
"You opened up again Taichi-chan?" Runi the electrician asked.
"Yeah, we're back to business," Taichi nodded shyly.
"All by yourself," Kenichi said in disbelief, before he came bounding down with a smile.
"Well, I'm here to help too!" Matsu butted in. "You guys gonna buy or not?"
"Matsu, be polite," Taichi chided.
"Hahaha, it's ok kid! I like his attitude. It's been such a pain going down 4 districts for bread every morning. You've got my money everyday Taichi-chan," Kenichi laughed, and then the blacksmith entered.
Taichi practically ran to the counter and started working eagerly. As the day went a lot of the community came by, even if just to support them, and soon Taichi was working extra hard with Matsu to make more bread. He didn't remember the shop being this busy, but then he had his parents then who had worked for years. Now it was him, a mostly novice, and Matsu who had just started. No one complained though, and if the bread was a little darker than usual, well it's not like anyone noticed.
Taichi realised he had spent so much time distracting himself, that he never once thought to visit his parent's graves. When he thought about them, the weight on his shoulders would double, and it felt like once more, an invisible, indomitable beast was tearing into his chest and ripping out his heart. He tried not to think about it, tried to distract himself, but it got so heavy sometimes, and when Mebuki and Matsu were there it lessened. He wondered if Hina felt the same way—if she could even move out there in the field. He knew her work was dangerous. He had seen her scars. It only left him more worried, because if Hina didn't come back too, Taichi was unsure how he could handle the pain. And as the days grew closer to the end of the second month, Taichi's anxiety peaked to new heights.
He found himself sleeping on the couch in case she ever came home at night. Then he could be there for her when she walked in. When he was working during the day, his head would snap up at every customer entering the shop, and hope, pray that it was Hina that would walk through next. It was two days past the two-month mark when it finally happened. Taichi had been excited. Hina would come home, and then he could show her how much he had done, how much he had changed. Then maybe for once, she could lean on him. He was closing up the shop and was about to flip the sign when he heard footsteps behind and turned to see Hina.
He rubbed his eyes, wondering if maybe he was just hoping so hard, he was seeing things, but she was there. His smile died almost as instantly as it came. He had never seen his sister look so dead. If she weren't standing right now, he would have presumed her a corpse. Her normally short hair had grown to her shoulders, but they looked brittle and had lost their vibrant colour. She hadn't grown an inch, but Taichi could see the wiry muscles defined even more clearly, and the way it stuck too tightly to her bones than what was considered healthy. He would have ignored all these things, and continued smiling, had he not seen her face. Hina had always had a fire behind her eyes, a determination, and passion for her work that trumped a lot of things. Taichi thought it was an unusual, unhealthy, single-minded goal that drove her, and while he didn't exactly think it was good for her, he couldn't imagine her without it. There was no fire now.
"H-Hina," he said, voice cracking.
She didn't say a word. Instead her eyes looked down at the ground in front of her, and the way her lips tugged up was nothing but a facsimile of a smile.
"Hina," he said again, taking a step forward.
He hesitantly took her in his arms and wondered when she had become so small. Not so long ago they were only an inch apart. He grew more worried when she didn't hug him back, and just stood there in his arms, head lolling to his chest. Her weight grew heavier, and it took a few moments for Taichi to realise she had collapsed entirely.
"Hina!"
He held her up in a panic, and noticed her eyes had closed, but she was still breathing. Hastily, he pulled her into his arms, surprised by how heavy she was despite being so short. He pulled her into the bakery and up the stairs. He heard Mebuki put down Tsukiya from the room beyond as she walked down to see Taichi was Hina in his hands. Mebuki's expression grew confused, and then outraged.
"Quick, lay her on the couch!"
Taichi, rushed on by the franticness of Mebuki's voice, practically sped to the couch to drop Hina on it. He watched in growing worry as Mebuki, leant down and checked for a pulse, and breathing. The woman let out a sigh before stepping back and taking a good look at Hina.
"Phew. I thought she died or something… she looks like a corpse," Mebuki whispered, although Taichi heard it and couldn't help but agree.
"She fell unconscious," he said in worry.
"She must have been very tired," Mebuki said, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Taichi had never been so tired he had gone unconscious before. He felt angry for Hina. Why… why did she have to go through so much hardship? Wasn't it his job to protect her? He felt the tears prickle at his eyes. This was not how he imagined the day would go. He wanted Hina to come home to the smell of fresh bread, back to the arms of a family who would be there for her.
"Hey Taichi, don't beat yourself up over it. Let's put her to bed, and when she wakes up, we'll make her a big feast. That way there's no chance she'd be sad. So what's her favourite food?"
"She likes sweets like dango, apple rolls, mochi, and she really likes chocolate nama cakes… she doesn't have a preference for savoury food other than it needs to be spicy," he listed of as logically as he could so he wouldn't cry.
"That's good. Look, we'll make her some really nice gyoza, and then mix some mochi that looks like gyoza in, so it's be a savoury-sweet surprise! Sounds ridiculous, but she'll probably think it's so cool!"
Taichi knew Mebuki was only saying something so absurd to take his mind of things. He couldn't be distracted though. Not when his imouto had passed out in his arms.
Taichi did end up making some gyoza with Mebuki. The woman went out to buy some mochi and came back with a bag full which she put in the fridge. Sweets were expensive so Taichi reminded himself he would need to pay her back, but that thought was quickly bypassed in favour of once more sitting by his imouto's side.
Taichi took her appearance in, trying not to cry. She looked different, wrong. He couldn't put a reason as to why he thought she looked wrong, just that she was. And then he waited and waited but she didn't wake up. It was past 11 when Mebuki said her sorry and headed back home, leaving Taichi alone with his little sister and brother.
He knew it was odd, but he got into bed with Hina, pulling her pink sheets over their body before he held her hands. He didn't want to ever let go. With those thoughts he closed his eyes and went into a fitful sleep.
Taichi woke up startled, eyes blinking open in shock as a heavy weight fell on his chest and something cold and sharp pressed painfully against his neck. He gasped in confusion for a moment before he took in Hina's form above him, green eyes wide, and flitting around the room searching for danger, before it dropped back down on him and her breathing hitched, and her eyes widened. Taichi hadn't realised he was holding in his breath until Hina had thrown away the kunai at his throat like the metal had burnt her skin. Then she began trembling, mouth contorting into a pained expression before her trembling form curled into itself, and her head rested against his chest, face covered from his view.
Every single part of Taichi screamed for him to run away. Danger! Unsafe! Danger! His instincts cringed at him when he forced himself to stay still, and instead go against everything he wanted to do to bring out his arms and wrap it around his imouto.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry," she said, voice cracking and muffled against his chest.
He held on a little tighter, hoping she would stop trembling, hoping she would magically be alright, because seeing her like this broke his heart.
"It's not your fault," he said.
He had no idea why she attacked him, but she didn't look all there. It reminded him of... kaasan. He shook his head. He couldn't think like that... couldn't let Hina leave him too, so he held on tight until her trembling died down and her breathing evened.
"I'm so tired," she said.
Taichi blinked in surprise. Hina, in all his life had never complained about being tired. Sometimes she would grunt in irritation when she was overworked, but she never voiced a complaint. He had even asked her why, and she had said it was one of her personal rules. She called it a nindo. Even if she ran laps around the whole of Konoha, she did not utter a word about it being too much. Right now, when she spoke, Taichi wondered if she would ever be the same strong Hina she was before. He pursed his lips. It didn't matter, because she had been strong for him before and now it was his turn. He wouldn't let her down.
"It's ok to be tired. You work a lot," he assured. "You can sleep some more if you want to."
"P-please don't let go," Hina mumbled, a rare plea coming from her.
"I won't," Taichi said.
And he didn't let go, not for hours, not even after Hina fell asleep in his arms. Taichi promised he would never let go because his siblings were all he had left.
The next day when he brought out the giant gyoza and mochi feast to surprise her with Mebuki, Hina did look like she was something other than a corpse. If only for a brief moment her eyes had lit up, and then she hesitantly took a bite, and then another and before long she was eating food like she had never eaten before in her life.
"—So that's why Cousin Matsu is now helping me run the shop," he relayed, trying to keep the house from its usual silence.
Hina wasn't talking much, but Taichi could tell she was listening and nodding along, and he remembered how good it was to be distracted from his grief. It was only right he helped Hina forget hers, even if just for a second. Mebuki helped keep the conversation running, and then after a few hours of constant talking Taichi had run out of news to relay about the past two months.
She put down her chopsticks, and a small, tired smile pulled at her lips. This time it reached her eyes, and Taichi wondered why she couldn't just cry like he knew she wanted to.
"You've become so strong," she said softly.
Taichi felt the tears he had held back come out and he pulled her into a hug. She didn't know how much that meant to him, how much he had been longing to hear those words, if not from his parent's, then from her.
"You made me strong Hi-chan. You gave me my strength, so let me lend it to you."
His heart skipped a beat when she hugged back, and a sound ripped through her mouth. It was a terrible wail, a cry he hadn't heard since the funeral, but this time she was crying with him. Taichi was glad Mebuki left the room to give them some privacy, because he made sure to hold her through it all, even as her tears and snot stained his shirt. Like a dam had burst, she let out all her emotions, her voice cracking with more emotion than he'd ever heard before.
"I'm so sorry," she cried. "It's my fault— it's all my fault."
"It's not your fault. It's not, and I don't hate you and kaasan and tousan don't hate you either. It's not your fault," Taichi repeated.
"I killed t-them! I failed and now the b-blood won't go a-away," she said brokenly.
Taichi just held her tighter, sobbing a little with her, although he kept breathing, and made sure his head was clear.
"Then I'll be here until we clean your hands. I'll be here until you can smile again."
"I don't deserve that," she said brokenly.
"I don't care. I'll be here whether you like it or not."
Hina pulled her tears back in and pulled away to wipe her runny nose on her kimono shirt. She looked down. Her eyes averted from his. A smile tugged at her lips, but it was full of hate and disgust. Taichi realised that it was directed to herself and not anyone else, and he didn't know what to do with that information. He didn't know what to say. All he could do was be there.
"I'm weak and useless. There's no use for me anymore," she whispered.
Taichi pulled her face up to look him in the eye. He didn't know what to say, but Hanami did. He remembered her words every morning.
"It's ok to grieve and it's ok to cry, but it's not ok to lose yourself to pain," Taichi repeated.
Hina's eyes widened and she sniffled in her tears before letting out a depreciative chuckle.
"You really are a good niisan. You're... You're right. I'm sorry for not doing better," she said softly.
"Don't apologise please," he said sadly. "You don't have to be strong now. You can be strong later. Just one thing every day until you can do more."
Hina nodded, and Taichi saw the fire in her eyes spark again, even if barely, and he was glad because he had nearly lost his imouto, but he had managed to save her. Now, now he would never ever let go.
"You said you were studying maths," Hina said changing the subject.
He nearly laughed. That was just like his imouto, to change the subject so abruptly just when she let herself be vulnerable, just when she opened up even a bit. Taichi had the urge to tell her it was ok not to do things alone all the time, but he didn't want to push his luck today. He decided to go along instead.
"Y-yeah... just the basics though," he said.
"I've done a lot of maths myself," she admitted shocking him.
"Aren't you a shinobi?" Taichi asked in confusion.
"My sensei is a Sannin known for his hand in science. Trust me Tai-nii, I know some maths. Want me to teach you?"
Taichi nodded, and was glad that when Mebuki came in again, it was Hina who was talking, pointing out patiently how to do simultaneous equations. Taichi thought, if he could get her to talk more, to open up like this, to share her burdens, then she would be fine. This time, he'd make sure of it.
A/N
Oh my god, these Taichi chapters have been an emotional roller coaster. I swear Hina's not going to be an angst-ridden mess for long, but PTSD, trauma and grief are all things I simply couldn't ignore addressing, even if the characters are so oblivious to their own mental health that it physically hurts me XD You'll be happy to know the next two chapters start kicking off the backbone of the future arc. It's gonna be a fun one hopefully. It's not going to be entirely lighthearted, but it is hopefully going to be exciting, action packed, and character driven. The next three chapters will just be necessary set-up for that arc. I have trouble with pacing, so I have no idea if it'll drag or not. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, faved, and followed!