Deep Down (week 5 continues)
(AN: Welcome Back, Again! Hope you are continuing to enjoy the story. Reviews are always welcome!)
Remus stood seething in a blind rage with his back firmly pressed against the front door of 12 Grimmauld Place. Looking out into the street he could see a set of two cloaked Death Eaters looming in the desolate square out in front of the aged home.
After days of fighting to get to Grimmauld Place it was suddenly the last place Remus wanted to be at that moment.
But, for a few seconds he found himself anchored to the door step in anger, just out of view of the men out in the square. He hadn't remembered a time when he had felt so angry, and certainly never with Harry.
Remus held his breath and disappeared on the spot with a "pop" reemerging several miles away in an instant.
Remus walked through the streets of London for hours that morning with no real aims in mind, absolutely hating the interaction he had just had with Harry. Someone he had always seen as so important to him. Now, he found himself a mix of so many emotions he couldn't keep them all straight in his minds eye. He could just envision what James would say about the interaction and it turned his stomach each time he'd considered it.
Harry had been right when he said his father wouldn't have agreed with Remus' choices. Deep down he knew he was wrong.
Remus luckily had just enough gold on him to stay at the Leaky Cauldron that night again.
He trudged up the rickety old staircase at the Leaky Cauldron that afternoon as it creaked with every step he took. He was on the top floor and his hip was aching by the time he reached the landing outside his rented room on the 6th floor and pushed open the door.
Remus felt like death warmed over. He didn't know it at that second but just a few miles away, Harry also felt the same way.
Back at home, Tonks felt worse. She had spent most of the afternoon and evening with her head in the toilet, or in bed.
She often wondered where Remus was or what he was doing.
She once again considered reaching out to her parents and staying with them like Remus had asked her. But she couldn't bring herself to tell them about the baby or Remus.
Back at the Leaky Cauldron,
life on the road was awful. In fact, Remus thought it was total shit.
It made him miss his wife so badly.
He hated himself for drinking too, each time he refilled the glass he hated himself a little more.
His room at the Leaky Cauldron overlooked the muggle side of the street. He could just see the outline of the London skyline from his desk. He stared at it and drank late into the evening, finishing the whole bottle.
He kept thinking about his wife and unborn child, and most of all, he thought of Harry. How they had fought. How he had stormed out.
He felt the most guilty about that. He kept wanting to go back to Grimmauld Place, to apologize, to tell Harry that he was right all along.
But, he knew it would be improper to go back now, under the influence of alcohol, he could smell it on him, he could taste it in the air around him.
The booze kept giving him crazy ideas though. Sometimes during his less cognizant moments when the alcohol completely clouded his judgment, he thought about going back and raging more at Harry and telling him he was an ungrateful, unknowing, immature little child, but he knew deep down, that was merely how he felt about himself.
Remus got more and more tired as the night progressed, his head fell lower and lower towards the desk, popping up after he was startled.
"Hey, wake up, you're falling asleep." James Potter scolded him.
17 year old Remus was sitting up against the couch in the Gryffindor common room, with a book spread out on his lap. The clock in the far corner read that it was 1 in the morning.
"Ah, sorry. Dosed off." Remus coughed.
"Yeah, well dodging babes all day really takes it out of a guy." Sirius Black snorted.
Remus closed his book loudly in aggravation, looking around the common room to make sure no one else was there.
"Padfoot we have discussed this like ten times already." Remus said, frustrated.
"And, we still don't accept your stance." James told him.
"Yeah, we think you're just being silly." Peter Petagrew agreed with the others sycophantically.
Remus sighed heavily.
"Look, it's not the same for me. We've talked about this. I have rules." Remus said, shifting uncomfortably.
"I don't give a rats ass about your rules, Moony." Sirius scowled.
Remus rolled his eyes.
"We have watched you pass by girl after girl for years. Don't say we haven't. And, we have literally watched you turn girls down. Don't do that again this time. Tell her you'll go."
Remus shook his head.
"I tried to let her down easy. But i didn't really want to say no." Remus admitted.
"Dude, you should agree. You told her you'd let her know, so let her know." James encouraged him.
Remus sighed.
"Jane is kinda hot. Agree to the date, Moony." Sirius pleaded.
"If you don't I might." He added rudely. "And, I'll give you a play by play of all the details just to rub it in."
"And, you know he will too." Peter pointed out.
James pointed at Sirius.
"You dog" James laughed.
Sirius barked in fits of laughter.
The scene whirled in circles, transforming to a new memory.
"Did you check down near the horses paddock?" Lily Evans asked him.
Remus nodded. "Yeah, all looks good." He explained catching up to her.
"C'mon, let's keep patrolling." Lily said, her Headgirl badge glistening on her chest.
Remus nodded and followed, his Prefect badge glistening as he did too.
It had been a day since the last scene in the common room. Remus found himself on prefect patrol with Lily as he always did on Friday nights.
It seemed like a quiet night. Nothing worth noting had happened since they started their guard shift an hour earlier.
"Did you finish Bins' essay yet?" Remus inquired?
"Just finished it up earlier." Lily said in glee.
Remus chuckled.
"Me too. I didn't want to do it over the weekend." Remus explained.
Lily nodded. Sitting down on a stone wall, overlooking the grounds.
"You planning on going to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" Lily asked him.
Remus chuckled.
"Ah, oh I probably will." Remus smiled.
Lily nodded.
"I heard you were going with Jane?" Lily mused, kindly.
Remus bowed his head chuckling.
"Who-who told you that?" Remus asked, shaking his head.
"Who do you think?" Lily giggled a little.
Remus nodded, he should have known James would tell her.
"Im considered going." Remus shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it.
Lily looked through him in that moment it seemed. Her brow just slightly furrowed.
"So, you are going to go to Hogsmeade just not with the person who asked you? I feel like that seems a tad insulting, no?" Lily posed the most important question.
Remus scoffed, shaking his head. Here was another girl telling him he'd look like a total tosser if he said no to the date but went to Hogsmeade anyway.
He worried about that already. This solidified it.
"I-maybe I shouldn't go at all. I don't want to offend her. It's not her. She's fine. Lovely even." Remus explained, turning slightly red.
"I don't understand why you won't go then? You don't have to go again if you don't want. You could just agree to the one time?" Lily asked, far too gently.
Remus looked at her sideways.
"We'll see." He said.
Lily nodded.
"I know you're kinda on the fence but I think you should go with her." Lily mused once more.
"M-maybe I will. You know, but my mom's been kinda sick too though, I might have to go visit her this weekend." Remus tried to sell the lie he'd told so many times before.
He walked away, a few feet from her, pretending to look out over the grounds.
"A little early in the month for her to get sick, no?" Lily asked, casually.
"Yeah it is." Remus replied instinctively forgetting for just a second who he was talking to.
Lily didn't respond.
Remus' mouth dropped open realizing what she had just said. Realizing what he had agreed with. He was in shock for a few seconds. Eventually, He turned around to face her.
She was giving him the weirdest look she'd ever given him in all the years they had been friends.
She swallowed hard.
"I- I that wasn't what I meant. You confused me." Remus tried to seem amused.
Lily shook her head.
"I-i know." She said in the smallest voice Remus had ever heard her use.
Remus' breath caught in his throat.
Remus wasn't sure what she meant but had a growing fear that it had nothing to do with his previous statement about being confused.
Lily looked around to make sure no one else was around.
"about you." She said in the same small voice.
Remus felt his blood run cold.
For several long seconds they just stared at each.
Remus' mind was whirling with thoughts. He knew she'd learn eventually but he was sure he was ready for that conversation yet.
"James -" he started to try to deduce what she knew.
"James didn't tell me!" She blurted out quickly.
Remus could tell she was being honest.
"I figured it out on my own. A while ago. Sev-Snape brought up the idea once. Eventually, I realized it was probably true."
Remus couldn't help but notice she had almost called Snape by his first name.
"Well, then you know why I can't go on the date?" He quipped, not at all amused.
She looked slightly ashamed at this statement. It made Remus feel horrible.
A single tear fell down her face, and she wiped it away.
'Shit, you were way too harsh' he scolded himself internally. Not daring speaking out loud.
"C-can I sit?" He eventually asked, pointing to the seat next to her.
Lily nodded.
"I'm sorry. I was kinda surprised is all. You took me off guard. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He explained.
Lily shook her head.
"You didn't upset me. Not in the way you think. I just - I just can't bare the idea of someone as kind as you being alone his whole life. That's not okay, Remus." Lily admitted.
Remus sighed heavily. It was a difficult and lonely existence to lead, she wasn't wrong about that. And, she was uncommonly kind.
it was hard for him to believe someone could care so much for his well being. He swallowed hard. Not really knowing what to say or how to take what could have only been described as a compliment.
Remus nodded. Not sure what to say.
"Is it just you don't like her, or or do you only date others like you?" She whispered.
Remus blanched a little. He had never even considered that. Being with a regular witch seemed more normal and natural than being with another werewolf.
"No no. It's neither of those issues. I-i just have rules." Remus whispered. Hoping she'd understand.
He hoped she wouldn't compliment him again.
Lily looked at him, trying to understand.
"Well, maybe should make some new rules?" Lily mused, her eyebrows raised, hopefully.
Remus gave her an uncertain glance. "Oh, I'm not sure about that." He groaned, rubbing his neck.
"You can't keep people at arms length forever, Remus. You're almost 18." Lily continued, her green eyes fixated on him
"don't you think you deserve to have nice things on occasion? Don't you deserve fun and happiness too? " she questioned, her brows furrowed.
Remus had never really allowed himself to consider what he deserved or not before.
But he supposed she wasn't wrong. In that moment he was thankful she was his friend.
"I'll accept the date." He whispered, looking back at her.
"Really? That was easier than I expected." She admitted, happily, clapping her hands together.
Remus chuckled.
"Well, I guess you convinced me. And, I don't really want to be alone. I'm just scared." He told her the truth.
"Ha, we're all scared, these days." Lily quipped.
"Ah, yes. That we unfortunately are." Groaned Remus as he readjusted on the stone wall.
Just then, Remus was jolted out of sleep by a noise in the bar below in the present. Nearly 20 years had gone by in the blink of an eye.
'Fuck!' He thought,
bloating upright on the uncomfortable chair.
Remus stared out over the deserted muggle street below and felt lonelier than he in years. Decades, probably.
He had forgotten about his friends at times as his life had moved on, away from those times they had spent together.
But, deep down in that moment he knew his friends would be devastated to see him alone. They'd also be pissed about how he'd treated his sweet wife.
He couldn't get the conversation with Lily off his mind, he kept remembering the things she had said.
Remus tried to lay down but it was no use.
He was exhausted but he couldn't settle, he kept tossing and turning until dawn. And, every time he turned in bed he expected Tonks to be there. He hated himself for the choice he had made. It was killing him.
He knew deep down he'd made the wrong choice to leave in hast. But, he also feared she'd be safer without him around. Certainly their unborn child would be.
But, he didn't want to force himself into exile, he desperately wanted his wife.
He went back and forth in his mind for hours. He lamented on all the trouble he had already caused his poor wife during their short union. He couldn't help think at times that he had been foolhardy to believe he could have a normal life. Other times he desperately wanted to go back to her. And, their baby if he was being totally truthful.,
Because deep down. A desperate and foolish part of himself wanted them both.
When daybreak finally broke, and the sun just peaked over the gloomy London skyline, Remus knew he needed to leave, he couldn't take it anymore.
The guilt he felt was eating at him. He was afraid it would consum him if he didn't go back soon. Even his subconscious knew he needed to go back home.
He knew his goal was close by, he just needed to make it.
He needed to make it home.
Remus packed the few things he had with him up as fast as he could and disapperated from his room.
He left behind a sickle for the maid and visualized the muggle street outside as he reappeared outside with a 'pop'.
Remus walked in a haze that early morning, he walked past stores and bakery's and parents bringing their children to child minders.
It was 630am when he found himself at the corner of his and Tonks street.
He wandered down the small crooked street, lined with lamp posts and row houses.
His heart must about stopped though, when he reached their flat. His breath caught in his throat, when he realized that Tonks was there, he saw her walk by the window, then again, then again.
A bizarre feeling came over him in that moment. He wasn't exactly sure if it was frustration or awe, or fear. But he shuddered.
She was supposed to be with her parents. She wasn't supposed to be there right when he returned.
He had wanted more time to collect himself before taking with her.
For several long moments he watched as she paced in their living room. Back and forth.
Remus decided he couldn't wait anymore. He took a deep breath and walked across the street and into their apartment building, and up the stairs.
He held his breath as he knocked on the door, and waited.