A/N This chapter's title was named after the song Down, sung by Jason Walker. Please read, review, and let me know what you think of Unbreakable!
Elyssa lay curled on her bed, Solas' sweater balled up under her chin. Parts of it still smelled like him, and it both comforted and hurt her. She couldn't find it in her heart to hate Solas for how he felt. Neither could she blame him, nor could she forget him. All the kind words, soft touches, safe feelings - she couldn't banish any of them from her mind. Wednesday couldn't come quickly enough. It was the first time in recent memory that she had looked forward to getting out of school. She could always skip, Tuesday was just a half-day; but there were tests in her other classes she needed to take. She couldn't flunk out of school just to avoid the man that had stolen and then broke her heart. But to avoid him did she want to. His words from earlier that day still haunted her.
She had hidden in the girl's bathroom during lunch again, much like she had before Solas first confronted her about her grim artwork at the near-start of the year. Her stomach flipped with anxiety. How was she supposed to face him today? She had known there was no way they could go back to the way things had been before, but she had told him she didn't want to go back. Had meant it. Meant every thought, every word. Elyssa smiled as she remembered how good he made her feel, how safe she had felt in that one blissfully intimate moment.
She jumped as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. One more class, and then Art. Her Algebra class dragged and it felt like days had passed until the bell rang, and she was able to gather her things and head for what had been her favorite room in the world.
She got to the door and her breath caught in her throat. How was she going to get through this? Panic fluttered in her chest. She saw several students sitting near the front of the class with Solas nowhere in sight. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and bee-lined it for her old spot at the back of the classroom. She sat down and opened her bag, pulling out her sketchbook. She had begun the outline of yet another pair of kind, clear blue eyes when the door to the classroom opened again, and Solas walked in. Her hair had fallen around her, hiding her face from view, so she chanced a look in his direction. He was talking about their project for over the holiday, his back to the students, writing on the whiteboard. Her skin flushed hotly as she looked over the now very familiar oak desk.
Solas turned around and finally faced the class, and she froze as their gazes locked for a moment. His face was carefully blank, betraying nothing beneath the confident mask of Art teacher that he wore every day. She had begun the outline for their fall project when she felt his hand brush her arm ever so slightly as he walked past, leaving a familiar slip of paper on her desk. Those four words that had started everything glared at her. Please stay after class.
She didn't try to run this time. It would be pointless anyway. She had been waiting for his response since that night. No, she would stay and see what Solas had to say.
Solas, I love you. It had just slipped out as they climaxed together. She hadn't meant to say it. She hadn't meant to admit it. Now that she had, she couldn't take it back. She couldn't unsay the truth.
Her heart pounded as she waited for Solas to say something… anything. She waited, heart threatening to pound out of her chest, while he cleaned up the mess they had made. Finally, she couldn't take the tense silence any longer.
"Solas, please say something," she begged. Please say you love me too.
"May I give you a ride home?" he answered. He stared down at her with guarded eyes, one corner of his too-plump lips turned up in his signature half-smile. His face revealed very little about how he felt about what she had said. It did nothing to calm her racing heart.
"Um… sure," she answered with hesitant curiosity. Her mother had dropped her off but told her to find a ride home because she didn't want to stay up late. Part of Elyssa was grateful that she wasn't picking her up now. Maybe Solas would tell her how he felt on the way home? She could only hope so.
The interior of the car was filled with tension so thick it was almost visible. Solas didn't know what to say. How could he explain to Elyssa why she couldn't love him? Why she shouldn't love him? She had been so brave, telling him about her past. Yet he couldn't find it in himself, even now, to let his guard down enough to tell her about his. She deserved so much better than what he could give her. She didn't deserve the problems she would have to face in loving him. She was worth so much more than that.
Solas's inner turmoil was interrupted by the soft voice coming from the passenger seat. He hadn't even realized the stereo had been on until he heard Elyssa singing along with the song playing. Her voice was very soothing, melodic, blending in perfect harmony with the male voice and piano coming through the speakers.
"Not ready to let go. Cause then I'll never know what I could be missing. I'm missing way too much. So when do I give up what I've been wishing for? I shot for the sky. I'm stuck on the ground. So why do I try? I know I'm gonna fall down. I thought I could fly. So why did I drown? I'll never know why it's coming down, down, down."
Solas listened intently as she sang without realizing he was listening. He noticed the pointed emphasis she put on the words, 'I'm not ready to let go,' as if she could sense what he needed to say. She sang so quietly, but with such passion that he couldn't help but be moved. He stole a glance at the woman still full of such mystery. She had her eyes closed, swaying slightly with the music, white curls swishing against her chest. Completely relaxed in her own world. Solas was taken back by how beautiful she looked. She was always beautiful, but it made his heart swell when he saw her looking peaceful, happy. He wished he could make her look that way all the time. But he couldn't, not with how guarded he kept his heart.
The driveway was dark, no lights were shining through window curtains as they pulled into the driveway of Elyssa's house. Everyone had already gone to bed. A slight twinge of pain shot through Elyssa's chest at the realization that no one had waited up for her. She had known they wouldn't, but still, a piece of her had hoped. Was it just in movies that mothers waited for their daughters to get home from a dance so they could stay up all night talking about it, laughing while eating ice cream straight from the tub? Was it just in shows that fathers hovered at the door to flicker the porch light, breaking up the last good night kiss? While she was glad that she would be able to have a moment alone with Solas, she couldn't help but feel that she was missing something tonight. Was she the only one going home to what might as well be an empty house?
Solas put the car in park and turned it off. He didn't want to wake the obviously sleeping household. A glance at Elyssa tore at his heart. She was staring with blank eyes at her hands, neatly folded in her lap. Gone was the quiet, peaceful girl from only minutes ago. In her place was the girl full of sorrow, too afraid to share it with someone else. More than anything, Solas wished he could take the pain from her. He wanted the world to see that bright, happy girl he saw. He wanted Elyssa to see the beautifully spirited woman he saw. He wanted to live in another world where a love such as theirs could be possible. Where they didn't have to worry about past and pain, age, and acceptance. Where they could just be two people that wanted the best for each other. But that world wasn't this one; and instead of taking away her pain, he was adding onto it.
"Elyssa," Solas called softly. She turned to look at him, unshed tears in her eyes. "Oh, Elyssa, what's wrong? How can I help?" He lifted the center console, pulling her willingly across the seat to cradle her against him. He couldn't fight the desire to protect her, to make her feel better, to make her happy. She was his vhenan, his heart. As long as she was okay, he would be okay. He needed her to be okay.
"What did I do wrong, Solas?" she said with a broken breath, "Why doesn't my mother love me?"
"I'm sure she loves you," he soothed, "I just don't think she knows how to show it to you."
"My sisters though, she seems to love them so much," Elyssa cried, "but me, she can hardly stand the sight of." Solas felt the warm wet sign of tears against his shoulder. He could scream at Mrs. Alerion for making Elyssa feel this way. For making her feel as if she were unloved. It didn't matter that Elyssa had a different father than her sisters, she was still her child. No child should feel so unloved by their mother.
Solas pushed her away just enough to let her chin rest on his finger, forcing her to look him in the eye. "You are beautiful, Elyssa," Solas said, "you have a light that shines so bright inside of you. And sometimes people just don't know how to handle that. They get blinded, so they'd rather turn away than face it."
"Can you handle it?" Elyssa asked with a whisper. Solas looked down at her with that same sad smile he always seemed to have. What filled him with so much sorrow? What wasn't he telling her? She could sense there was something - something he wanted to tell her, but didn't. Why could he sit here and tell her she was beautiful and full of light but not share himself with her? She turned her head away, afraid he would see the pain there.
A sharp, gentle tug forced her head to turn back towards Solas. He gave her no opportunity to speak, to ask questions, to protest - not that she would. He lowered his head towards hers and pulled her tightly against him. This kiss felt different from the others. His mouth was just as soft and warm as the other times they had kissed; this time, his lips moved with slow, deliberate movements as if he were trying to commit the taste of her to memory. His hands, just as gentle, stroked every curve and crevice with the same unhurried movement. This wasn't the hurried touches of passion from before. This was the slow, aching feeling of goodbye. Was Solas trying to say goodbye?
"Thank you for staying after class," Solas spoke formally. Not at all like the man that had joked and laughed with her, that had kissed and excited her. This man in front of her now was cold, polite, emotionless even. This wasn't her Solas.
"Curiosity killed the cat," Elyssa jokingly explained, shrugging her shoulders in an 'I-don't-care' kind of attitude. One corner of Solas's mouth twitched upward in the beginnings of a smile. For a moment Elyssa began to hope that maybe he was being grim and fatalistic for a different reason; one that didn't involve breaking her heart. Then he regained his composure and turned cold once more. Elyssa felt her heart drop into her stomach. Whatever this was, it was bad.
"Solas what is this about?" she asked in a soft whisper, "Is it what happened at the dance?"
With a sigh, Solas stood from his chair and walked around to the opposite side of the desk to stand in front of her. "In a sense, yes" he evaded.
"I-is it what I said?" Elyssa couldn't help the crack in her voice. She had been so foolish to think Solas could ever love her back. She had known that they could never truly be together, but she had let herself fall for him anyway. She had let herself give her heart to a man that deserved so much better than she could give him; now she would pay the price for it. Tears like rain began to fall onto the tiled floor. She had known better and still, she had done it. Still, she had told Solas she loved him. Still, she had stupidly believed that she could be happy.
"Elyssa," Solas's tone was softer now, full of sorrow. She looked up at him, unable to stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks. He reached a hand out to wipe away her tears. "You are so beautiful," he murmured, the saddest of smiles on his face. "What you and I did was a mistake. I have distracted you," he said, "it will never happen again."
A mistake. Being with her had been a mistake. One so bad he would be sure it wouldn't happen again. Elyssa felt as if he had thrown a boulder onto her chest. It was so heavy, she couldn't quite catch her breath. She tried but only short burst of air traveled through her lungs.
"Solas…" she said his name with so much pain, so much sorrow. His heart broke at the sound.
"Please, vhenan," he begged her to stop. He could not bear hearing her in such pain, but what he was doing was necessary.
"Don't leave me," Elyssa's bottom lip quivered, "not now."
Solas shook his head solemnly. As much as he wanted to give in to her, he knew he couldn't. She needed to move on, to find someone good for her. The thought of not being with her gnawed at him, but he would do what needed to be done. For her. "You have a rare and marvelous spirit," he told her, "in another world…"
There it was again. The same thing he had said when she had first kissed him. 'In another world'. She was so tired of wishing, wanting, hoping for things that she could have if her life were different. For once, she wanted something in this world. "Why not this one?" she asked, taking a step forward.
"I can't," he answered, "I'm sorry." He took a step back from her, putting his hands up as if to stop her from approaching. Was she that repulsive to him?"So, that's it?" she asked incredulously, angrily, "You've had your fun, so now you're done with me?"
"No, it was nothing like that," Solas argued sadly.
"Just… tell me you don't care," she asked. She needed to hear him say it. To hear him say she meant nothing - would always mean nothing - to him. She needed something to hold on to so she could block out the happiness he had brought her. If she could forget that, she could focus on blocking out the pain.
"I... can't do that," he said with a frown.
"Tell me I was some casual dalliance," Elyssa growled. She took a defiant step towards him, shoving him away but wanting nothing more than to pull him close. "Tell me I meant nothing to you so I can call you a cold-hearted son of a bitch and move on!" She was putting on a brave face, turning her pain into anger. She turned on her heel and marched away, her heart crying out for him to stop her.
As she walked away from the truest love she had ever felt, she heard the soft, sad whisper of 'I'm sorry.' behind her.