A/N TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF A SUICIDE ATTEMPT!
This chapter - named after the song Would Anyone Care sung by Citizen Soldier - is very heavy, dark, and depressing. There are roughly 1.4 million attempted suicides every year; an average that is dangerously high. There are places to go and people you can talk to if you feel this is a path you feel close to going down. The number for the national suicide hotline is 800-273-8255. Please don't hesitate to call if you need to. You matter to someone and you're irreplaceable.
The gentle tapping of raindrops against the roof echoed around Solas. He stopped drawing for a moment and listened, letting his thoughts drift to the elven girl down the road and a pleasant conversation they once had. Elyssa loved the rain. She loved the sound the rain made as it fell onto the roof of a house. She loved the way the drops of water against the window seemed to race to the ledge, leaving behind unique overlapping lines as they fell. She loved the way the dirtiness of the world was washed away for a short time. Most of all she loved how, when it rained, it was as though the dirty, sin-filled world was getting washed clean. He remembered the intense passion she had spoken with, telling him all of these things. He remembered the distant look in her eyes, the way one corner of her mouth turned up into a half-smile. His thoughts turned to the questions he tended to ask himself every hour since he had enforced the walls between them. Where was she now? What was she doing? Was she okay? Was someone with her, reminding her to smile and laugh? Was she happy?
How fitting was it that it had begun raining now. Now, when Elyssa felt as though everything she kept so carefully bottled was on the verge of spilling over. Never had she felt so overwhelmed yet so numb. A thousand thoughts swirled through her mind. A thousand questions she wanted to ask. A thousand things she wanted to say. But it didn't matter. It had been made abundantly clear to her that she didn't matter. She was a fool to have ever thought she had. Someone like her didn't matter. She was damaged, broken, a burden, unwanted, and unloved. No one could love a broken girl.
Elyssa thought of kind blue eyes. Eyes that had never once held malice or pity when they looked at her. She thought of the soft smile that had so often been for her, making her day bearable. Gentle fingers that had brushed away hair and tears alike. Strong arms that had held her while she cried. If there was ever a point in time where she needed these things, it was now.
With shaking fingers she dialed the numbers she had programmed into her phone weeks ago but never had the courage to call. Did she have the courage now? She needed him, of that she was certain. But did he need her? He was always so strong, so confident, so sure of himself. It wasn't possible. There was no way someone like Solas could need someone like her. With more force than necessary, she erased the number on the screen. If Anders and her mother didn't want her, how could Solas?
Elyssa knew she needed to work today, it was Friday, and still the holiday weekend after all. Maybe it will help, who knows, she thought blandly. She dressed slowly, still foggy and sore from everything that had happened. She had only wanted to make things right, to break up with Anders and let him be free. She should have known he didn't care about her, the signs had been there for months. She had been blind, refusing to believe what was right in front of her. Then, when she had wanted nothing more than comfort, her mother had told her she deserved it. Deserved it, like it was a good thing, what Justice had done to her. Elyssa thought that mothers were supposed to be comforting and supportive, especially when she had told her what had happened to her. But she had believed Anders and Justice over physical evidence that had been right in her face. What was so wrong with Elyssa that even her mother couldn't show her love and kindness?
Once dressed, she grabbed her blue umbrella and stepped into the rain, the only friend she had now. The shade of her umbrella reminded her of the blue dress shirt Solas had worn to the dance and the painful memories of what happened afterward. Normally, she would drive to work, but today she hoped the walk would clear her head. She couldn't shake the heavy cloud of numbness that consumed her mind. The feeling that she was an outsider in her own body. She had been with Anders for years. It hadn't always been bad. There was a time when she felt he had cared about her before he knew about her past before he had met Justice. Part of her wished for that time again, when life was just a little simpler, a little less daunting. Even with all the fighting and pain, Anders had caused her, he had been a constant in her life for a long time. Something that was always there. Something that had kept her grounded in some of her darker moments because she had believed he wanted her. She no longer had that constant. She knew now that he never wanted her, not after she had told him the truth. And she couldn't even blame him. She was the one who was broken. She was the one who had cheated on him. It was her fault, just like her mother and Justice had said.
The whirring sound of automatic doors opening was the first sound Solas heard as he stepped out of the rain and entered the store. It was like stepping into another dimension. A place where the troubles of the world could be left outside while one focused on gathering art supplies. It was a comfort for him to be able to do just that. He normally ordered supplies online or went to the larger crafts store in town. Today, however, he had been drawn to the local art store. It was small but had a comfortable and almost homey feel about it. It was a place that he could let go of everything that had happened in the last forty-eight hours. Looking around, Solas wasn't able to see any employees in the immediate vicinity. It couldn't be too hard to find what he needed when he was used to shopping in a larger store. At least, that's what he had believed before he had seen the vast amount of supplies the store carried. He would need help locating what he needed.
The low haunting notes of Christina Perri's 'The Lonely' sounded through the speakers of the store. The music was just quiet enough for Solas to hear an achingly familiar female voice a few aisles over, singing along with the violin and accompanying vocals. And here he had thought he would be able to let go easily. The Gods were surely laughing at him right now.
"Broken pieces of a barely breathing story. Where there once was love, now there's only me and the lonely. Dancing slowly in an empty room. Can the lonely take the place of you? I sing myself a quiet lullaby. Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again."
The woman singing did so as if she felt the lyrics move through her. Each note was hit with passion, giving the song a personal feel. Solas followed the female's soft soprano voice until he was standing at the end of the painting supplies aisle. A couple of shelves down, atop a ladder, was a young woman with auburn-rooted ashen white hair and soft, alabaster skin that he knew intimately. The lids of her eyes were closed, dark lashes slick with wet tears that slid down her face. She was oblivious to his presence, swaying softly to the rise and fall of the song's piano. Forgotten in her hands were several brushes she had been putting back in their rightful places. Solas was torn between alerting her of his presence or continuing to listen to her sing. His decision was made when the girl turned his way to put away one of the brushes. Jade green eyes locked onto him. Her alabaster face paled except for bright crimson cheeks.
"Solas?!" She went to take a step towards him, forgetting she was three steps up a short ladder. The sound of metallic brush handles clattering to the floor rang through Solas's ears. In a blur of motion, she began her descent to the floor. Solas ran the short distance to the ladder, barely making it in time to catch her petite frame in his arms. She winced as he caught her squarely on the still healing bruises on her legs and lower back.
"Elyssa, you really should be more careful," he scolded with a worried breath.
"You shouldn't be sneaking up on me then," Elyssa huffed, "what are you doing here anyway?" She hadn't meant to sound so harsh. She just hadn't been prepared to see Solas today at her job in all places. Subconsciously, she wiped away the tears that had fallen while she sang. It didn't matter in retrospect, Solas had seen her cry before, but now he was part of the reason for the tears she shed. They had escaped as she sang about the lonely feeling that echoed in her heart. The loneliness she had felt since Solas rejected her. The mental isolation she had been subjected to since coming home from the hospital after what Justice had done. It had all hit her at once as she sang. How much pain she was suffering. How little it mattered to anyone else. How she had made so many mistakes she couldn't fix. Most of all, how alone she was in the world.
"I do believe this is a store in which one can find art supplies," Solas chuckled.
"So you're shopping?' Elyssa tilted her head in question. Her voice lacked the usual teasing humor she had with him. Her voice lacked emotion and was almost entirely monotoned. Her eyes shifted to and from him, unable to focus on anything, and her face was paler than normal.
"I am attempting to do so, yes," he answered. Solas set her down, letting her stand on her own feet. Subconsciously, he took a step away from Elyssa putting some distance between them. The movement did not go unnoticed by Elyssa. Her uneven lips furrowed into a harsh frown and Solas could see moisture pooling in her green eyes. His heart squeezed in his chest. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her that he didn't move away because he didn't want her. He had set boundaries because they needed them. Elyssa would never be able to live a happy life with someone her age if he kept distracting her. He wanted nothing more than to give in to his desires and be with Elyssa, but he knew he wouldn't be able to give her what she deserved. He had a past that had scarred him. It had made him hesitant to open his heart up to anyone. Elyssa had already penetrated his walls further than most. But that was all the more reason to put some distance between them.
"Elyssa, are you all right?" he asked, his tone laced with concern. She merely raised a slender eyebrow at him, as if to say, Are you serious? and fell back into the role of art store employee, and asked him what he needed.
Elyssa helped him find the items he had been looking for without really speaking to him. Solas wished he could ask her about last night, what had happened to her. He wished there was some way he could explain why he put the distance between them. All that would do was lead to more questions. Questions he wasn't sure he was ready to answer. Elyssa had shared everything with him, bared her heart to him. And he couldn't find the courage to do the same. How could he say he wanted her if he couldn't be honest with her? It was wrong for him to love her for courage he was afraid to show. Salem had been right when she said Andruil was still controlling his life. He was letting the fear she had bestowed upon him in their relationship keep him from committing to another. The worst part being he was the one letting it keep him from Elyssa. Letting it keep him from a woman with so much compassion, strength, and wisdom. Someone who had proven time and again that she cared. She was perfect in so many ways and he was letting it slip by because he was afraid to tell her the truth. Afraid that she wouldn't accept him. Afraid of what would happen if she did. He paid for his items and walked out into the rain, away from her and all the things he wished he could have.
Why did he have to show up, today of all days? The last person she wanted to see. The only person she wanted. The one she could never have. He'd dared to ask if she was all right, after making it abundantly clear that he didn't want her. Had he noticed anything? The redness of her eyes from crying? The way she hardly laughed or smiled at his attempts at jokes? Or possibly the way her hands shook when she had handed him his bag? Elyssa wanted to tell him her thoughts from this morning. How badly she had wanted to call him. How much she needed the comfort his presence usually brought her. She wanted to tell him what Justice had done, what Anders let happen. Then, he had stepped away from her and she remembered that he didn't want her either. He may have said that it was because of the age difference as well as her being his student, but she knew the truth. She knew that everyone who found out about the damage she carried with her didn't want her. Her mother had stopped wanting her the day she found out. Anders had tried to look past it for a time, but in the end, he hadn't wanted her because of it either. No one would ever be able to get past that piece of baggage.
Her shift ended and she was walking past the small cafe near the art store when a familiar voice resounded in her ears. She glanced around and saw Solas standing near a table outside, a beautiful woman with raven hair and predatory grey eyes hanging on him intimately. It had barely been a week since the Homecoming dance! It hadn't even been a full seven days and he had forgotten about her. Of all the people to mean absolutely nothing to, she would have thought Solas wouldn't have been one. She had thought he cared about her. That she had truly been wanted even for a brief moment. But just like everyone else in her life, he had used her then discarded her after he was done.
She knew then that she truly didn't matter to anyone. Not to her mother who had yelled at her and blamed her for things she couldn't help. Not to Anders who had tossed away years as if she had been a piece of gum stuck to his shoe. Not to Solas who had made it clear he would never be with her and already moved on. And certainly not to life that passed by every day with nothing but different kinds of pain for her.
If she didn't matter, then why was she here? Why continue going through the motions day after day, knowing she was doomed to nothing but a life of pain because of the careless actions of her grandfather? Did it even matter to him? Did he regret anything about his actions? Did he even care that he had viciously snatched away any chance she'd had at a normal happy life? Or was that just one more person she didn't matter to?
When she got home, she saw that everyone had gone out for the evening, leaving her alone. How fitting that she was physically alone when she felt the most alone. Even the rain had stopped. Why was she always alone? Why didn't anyone care about her? Why was she so unlovable? Why was she alive? She didn't want to be. And from the way everyone seemed to move on with their lives as if she weren't there anyway, it was obvious no one else wanted her to be either. It was time to do something about that. It was time she finally did something for herself and took the pain away.
Elyssa knew her mother had recently refilled the prescription for her stepdad's injured shoulder. With shaking hands, she opened the medicine cabinet that was never locked, easily finding the full bottle of little grey pills. Heart thundering, she ran back to her bedroom. She looked around at the small space she called her own. The bed with a dark blue comforter she had spent countless nights bundled inside, crying herself to sleep. The small bookshelf filled with various sketchbooks she had spent too much time drawing in just to distract herself from the pain. It was full of too many memories of times spent alone. She was tired of being alone. She didn't want to feel alone anymore.
In a small box at the foot of her bed sat the items she held dear. She grabbed the sketchbook and the too-big beige sweater Solas had given her. She pulled the sweater over her head and went to the bathroom she shared with her sisters. It was small but it didn't have the ominous feeling of loneliness her bedroom did. She filled the small glass she kept on the sink with water. Her hands shook so violently that she dropped the cup into the sink and had to refill it twice. When she finally succeeded in filling the cup, she went over to the tub. Her hands didn't shake as badly as she put the plug over the drain and turned on the hot water. While she waited for the tub to fill, she went back to the sink where her glass of water sat next to the bottle of pills. She couldn't hear the sound of the water splashing into the tub over the sound of her pounding heart. Again, her hands shook to the point of nearly spilling everything into the sink. She managed to pour a small handful of pills into her palm and raised her hand to her lips, letting the small pills fall into her mouth. She took a large gulp of her water then repeated the process two more times, unsure of how many of the tiny pills she had consumed. It didn't matter, though. She just wanted the pain to end. Soon, it would all end.
When the tub was filled almost to the brim with water, she turned off the faucets. She stripped out of her clothes except for her undergarments and the sweater and climbed into the water. The hot water felt like a warm embrace to her. A small piece of comfort in this lonely life. She was very careful not to get the sketchbook she carried with her wet. She flipped through all the pictures she had drawn of Solas. All the warm smiles and kind eyes she had drawn over and over again. Even the person who had shown her the kindness that had inspired these drawings couldn't love her.
With a heart-wrenching sob, she threw the sketchbook onto the floor, startling the cat that had followed her into the bathroom. She couldn't bear the look of the kind eyes anymore. The eyes of someone she thought she could trust. Someone she thought had cared. Tears streamed down her face and her vision began to blur. From the tears or the pills she didn't know, but she panicked. What was she doing? Was she really giving up? All the memories and pain flooded her mind. Yes, that was exactly what she was doing. What did she have to live for anyway?
Images of Solas laughing, smiling, talking happily with her, comforting her flashed through her mind. He had been so kind to her, helped her so much. He didn't deserve this, even if he had moved on rather quickly. She had to talk to him. She had to tell him why. She had to tell him she was sorry for what she was doing. That she was sorry for all the trouble she had caused him. She was beginning to feel lightheaded, almost fuzzy. Desperately, she reached for the phone she had set on the ledge of the toilet near the tub. She dialed the number she had been too scared to call that morning and waited.
It seemed an eternity passed before she finally heard him pick up. "Hello?"
Elyssa couldn't find the words to speak. Panic and confusion had consumed her. "Hello?"
Her breathing was slowing, and she found it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep her eyes open. Her heart painfully skipped a beat, trying to push oxygen through her body. There wasn't much time left.
"Solas?" She asked in a small, tear-filled voice.
"Elyssa?" Part of him sounded relieved to finally know who was calling. Another part was laced with worry. "Elyssa, are you ok?"
A raspy breath escaped her as she tried to speak past the knot in her throat. "Elyssa? Are you all right? Please, vhenan, talk to me," she heard him plead. She fought the fog that was filling her mind just long enough to swallow hard and whisper, "I'm scared…" The last thing she heard was someone calling her name before everything faded to darkness.