A/N Thanks to bamadude and Warriorcreed for the reviews. I appreciate your input. I am still borrowing these characters. I have used the same name for his siblings and their families as other writers have. I want to acknowledge their contribution and hope they do not mind.

Leonard stood up and walked over to the window. He was relieved that he had been allowed to come home. He knew why his siblings had been concerned but he did not believe that he had ever actually considered hurting himself.

That did not mean that he had not sometimes wished he were dead.

He returned to the couch.

In spite of himself, he found himself thinking back to the times before the accident. He remembered the shock and hurt he had felt when he realized Penny had chosen Sheldon over him. He had felt betrayed by both of them.

He had thought that he had come to terms with what had happened, that he had accepted their decision. He had come to enjoy being their friend.

But when the accident occurred, when he heard Sheldon was dead, he was shocked to find that his feelings for Penny had not changed, that he wanted to have a romantic relationship with her. He was horrified when he found himself now thinking that Penny was free.

He tried to tell himself that it was just a quick reaction. That it did not reflect his grief for what happened. But then he remembered something else. He normally was an overly cautious driver. He always waited at a light when it changed to be sure that no one tried to beat the light. But that time, that morning, he had not. Why had he been careless? Had he unconsciously wanted to risk hurting Sheldon?

At one level, he knew he was being absurd, but he found himself overwhelmed by a huge sense of guilt. It all became clear to him.

He loved Penny. She loved Sheldon. He was careless and Sheldon died. He was glad that Penny was now free.

He knew that he was hurting his friends, especially Penny, by the way he was acting. But he couldn't help himself. It just made him feel more guilty. It was like a tumor, feeding upon itself. The more he could not respond to his friends, the more the guilt grew.

Finally, he could not face them. Ironically, leaving increased his guilt.

He had no real expectations when he returned home. In his state, he looked forward to the expected derision from his mother.

To say it was a surprise at the reaction from her would be a giant understatement. Perhaps he had reached a stage where his mother actually realized her feelings for him. Maybe she really had felt she was doing the right thing when she raised him. Could it be she really loved him?

Whatever the reason, his new relationship with her gave him some relief from his guilt. For the first time since the accident, he was able to function. He found solace in his work. He was even more surprised at the reaction of his brother and sister.

He came to realize that his friends in California had become his family, replacing the one he felt apart from. And now the accident and his guilt had reversed that.

Then, his mother had died. Suddenly, he felt betrayed again. Once again he reacted to someone's death, someone important to him, as being about him.

All the old guilt returned, now enhanced by this new failure.

For most of his life he had felt insecure, not feeling worthy of being loved. Now he had lost everyone who ever made him feel better about himself. He was truly alone with his guilt.

After Penny checked into a hotel, she called Hayley who agreed to pick her up.

Hayley picked Penny up outside the hotel, "Hi, Penny, glad to see you again."

"You too, Hayley, thanks for picking me up."

"Glad to. If it is okay with you, I would like to take you over to my house. Michael and his family are going to meet us there."

"Sounds good. I have been looking forward to meeting him."

She hesitated, "Any change with Leonard?"

She was surprised to see Hayley smile, "He has left the hospital and is back in his apartment."

"That's good to hear."

"Yes, but although we are no longer worried he may do something to himself, he still is deeply depressed."

"I was going to ask, has he ever taken antidepressants?"

Hayley sighed, "He has refused to consider it." She paused, "He doesn't think he deserves to feel better."

She went on, "It's a bad combination, guilt and self-pity."

Penny pondered what she was saying. More than ever, she doubted whether she would be able to help. She began to wonder if she wanted to see him like this.

When they entered Hayley's house, Hayley's husband John, their daughter Dawn, Leonard's brother Michael, his wife Diane, and their son Steven were waiting for them.

Although Penny had seen pictures of Michael, she was still a little surprised to see him in person. He looked like Leonard but was at least eight inches taller and didn't wear glasses.

His wife wasn't particularly attractive but had an air about her. Penny remembered she was a judge.

Michael moved forward, "Penny, thank you so much for coming."

He continued, "This is my wife Diane and my son Steven."

While Penny and Diane exchanged greetings, Steven spoke up, "I watch your show. You are funny."

Just as Penny thanked him, he went on, "But not as funny as Marsha."

Michael said, "Steven!" Penny smiled, "It's okay, I think she is funnier too."

Hayley spoke up, "Penny this is my husband John and our daughter Dawn."

As Penny said hello to John, she found herself smiling at Dawn. She was just so cute. "Hi, Dawn, glad to meet you."

Dawn shyly answered, "Hello."

Hayley spoke up, "Why don't we all sit down? Steven, can you take Dawn to her bedroom? You guys can play in there while we talk."

After Steven and Dawn left, Hayley continued, "What can I get everyone to drink?"

Soon everyone was seated and fortified with either coffee or water.

Michael took a deep breath, "Penny, there is something I have wanted to know about what happened in California." He hesitated and looked at Hayley, "If you don't want to discuss it, I will understand."

Penny wondered what he was saying. She wasn't sure where he was going. She decided to see what he wanted, "Go ahead, I'll let you know if I am okay with it."

Michael nodded. Looking again at Hayley he continued, "What exactly was your relationship with Leonard?"

"I was his friend." She hesitated, "Are you asking if I had a romantic relationship with him? Are you asking if I cheated on Sheldon?"

Michael sighed, "I am sorry I felt I needed to ask. It's just that it would help explain part of why Leonard feels so guilty. That he had been with you behind Sheldon's back."

Penny fought to control herself. She tried to see where they were coming from. She decided she could see how it might be hard to understand how it had been with the three of them.

After an awkward silence, she finally said, "I was Leonard's friend. Nothing more." She hesitated, "But I knew at one time he wanted it to be more."

She went on, "But I thought he had come to terms with it. We were all close."

Diane spoke up, "What if he hadn't? Wouldn't that help explain why he feels the way he does? Not because he was with you but because he still wanted to be? That when Sheldon died, he realized you were free."

Penny contemplated what she was saying. She finally got out, "I always thought his guilt came from some strange idea that the accident was his fault. That is why he couldn't face me, because he had killed Sheldon. But I now see what you are saying. That what I thought could still be part of it but that it was also true he felt guilty because in some way he felt that with Sheldon dead, we would have a chance."

There was a long silence as each of them dealt with what Penny had said. Finally, Hayley said quietly, "Was there a chance?"

Penny was stunned. But then realized she shouldn't be. She realized she had been avoiding that question ever since Sheldon died. She saw that she had not wanted to face the idea that Leonard's feelings for her were a cause of his guilt.

She realized the others were waiting for her answer.

She finally said, "I don't know. I did have feelings for him, but they were not romantic." She sighed, "With Sheldon gone, could they have changed?" She looked at Hayley, "I just don't know."

Everyone was surprised when the following silence was broken by John who had been quite up to then, "I normally would let Hayley and Michael do the talking but I think I have realized something."

As the others looked at him, he continued, "Although I think everyone's heart was in the right place, I now think we have contributed to Leonard's plight."

Before any could say anything, he went on, "We have all been treating Leonard with kid's gloves, trying to spare him. While I understand the need to do that, at the same time we are basically supporting his feelings of shame. We are treating him as a victim. Maybe we need to have him confront his demons."

Hayley broke in, "What are you trying to say? We should blame him? Won't that just increase his sense of insecurity?"

Before John could answer, Michael spoke up, "I think I see what John is saying. We have all known that along with the guilt, Leonard is wallowing in self-pity." He hesitated, "Maybe we should look at the possibility that Leonard has some cause to feel guilty. Maybe a lot of it is not due to his feeling responsible for the accident, but his realization that he never stopped wanting Penny. That he wonders if somehow he wanted Sheldon to be out of the way."

Hayley stared at him, "You don't actually think he did something to cause Sheldon's death?"

"Of course not. But it is possible he wonders if he somehow caused it by wishing Sheldon were out of the way."

There was a long silence as everyone was lost in their thoughts. Penny was stunned. She thought back. Had she led Leonard to believe there could be something between them? Had she fooled herself into thinking he had accepted her being with Sheldon? Should she have tried harder to talk to Leonard after the accident? Should she have seen that was what was bothering him? Did she know that was the main reason for his guilt and just did not want to acknowledge it?

Then her thoughts went another way, if what they were saying were true, how should he deal with Leonard now?

She also realized that it still came down to how she did feel about Leonard. She always had feelings for him. He and Sheldon were the closest friends she ever had. She had known he had a crush on her. Had she underestimated how deep those feelings were?

Unfortunately, she still didn't know what she should do now.