A/N Thanks to bamadude for the wonderful review.
I do not own Big Bang Theory or any of the related characters. The Big Bang Theory series was created and owned by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. All rights of Big Bang Theory belong to them. This story is a work of fanfiction and is meant for entertainment only. I am not making profit from this story.
Seeing the look on Penny's face, Leonard smiled sadly and closing the door walked around her.
Penny's mind was swimming. She fought to overcome the emotions that were threating to overwhelm her. Pulling herself together she turned back toward him.
"Do you want something to drink?"
"Do you have a beer?"
"Yeah."
After she got them both a beer, she sat down at the opposite end of the couch.
After taking a drink, she sighed and gathered her courage, "How long have you felt this way?"
Leonard took a long drink and looked at her, "I'm not really sure. I know I felt something for you from that first day." He took a long hesitation, "But I know I loved you before you chose Sheldon."
Penny absorbed that, thinking of what it could mean. Finally, she asked, "Were you just deceiving us when you seemed to be all right with it?"
There was a long awkward silence as Leonard finished off his beer.
Both of them seemed to realize that the next few minutes could be vitally important to both their lives.
Taking a deep breath, Leonard said quietly, "When I realized you wanted to be with Sheldon, I was crushed. I felt betrayed by both of you. I couldn't understand how you could do that."
He sighed, "Of course, I had no right to feel that way. You had never given any indication that you were interested in me."
He looked in Penny's eyes, "But I got past it. I was never thrilled but I came to realize how important you and Sheldon were to me; that I did not want to lose your friendships."
He hesitated, "At least, that's what I thought."
He paused, "Can I have another beer?"
When she nodded, he said he would get it. When he went to the kitchen, Penny struggled with what he was saying. She was trying to see how she felt about it.
He returned to the couch and after taking a drink looked at her.
She finished her beer and then found the courage to ask, "What do you mean that's what you thought?"
Leonard sighed. He knew he needed to try to explain. The trouble was, he wasn't completely sure he could.
After a long pause, he continued so quietly that Penny had to strain to hear him, "When I learned that Sheldon was dead, I was shocked when one of my first thoughts was that you were free." There was a long pause and his voice got even quieter, "I realized that I still loved you."
As Penny tried to come to terms with what he was saying, Leonard lifted his head, "It became clear in my mind, I was careless, one of my first thoughts was that you were free, I still loved you."
Penny came to realize what he was saying. She felt she finally understood what had caused his guilt. She had been shocked when he had said one of his first thoughts was that she was free. She felt a flash of anger. He was thinking about his feelings for her when his best friend had just died.
Leonard watched Penny and wondered what she was thinking. He was beginning to think this was all a mistake. He should have just let Penny return to California. No, he needed to do this. He knew he risked having Penny hate him for thinking of them together when he learned about Sheldon.
On the other hand, he had come to realize he would never be able to move forward until he came to terms with what he had done, that he needed to let Penny and the others know.
At the same time, he needed to let Penny knew how he felt about her. He did not expect her to return his love, but if they were ever to regain their friendship she had to know he loved her.
Penny finally managed to ask, "Leonard, why are you telling me this now?"
"Because you need to know why I feel so guilty. Why I had to leave California, why I had to get away from you."
"I also realize one reason I never said anything is that I didn't want you and the others to hate me. I was ashamed to admit the truth."
Penny pondered what he was saying. She was also stunned to realize that she was considering something else about what Leonard had said. No matter how she wanted to fight it, to judge him, she found herself thinking about what this could mean for them. She realized she was going to face a question she had long sought to avoid; how did she feel about him?
"I don't hate you, Leonard, and I am sure the others will understand. I admit it bothers me that your first thoughts after you heard Sheldon was dead were about me, I also understand you can't control what you were thinking."
She paused and then reached out and put her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes, "But that doesn't mean you had anything to do with his death. It doesn't mean you didn't care for him, it doesn't make you a horrible person. It doesn't mean you need to feel guilty about what happened. The accident was not your fault."
"You have lived with this too long. It's time to forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. You should have let us help you. We were your friends, we would have understood."
She took her hands down and took hold of his, keeping her eyes on him, "As far as you loving me, I don't know what to say. I do have feelings for you. I always have." She sighed, "I don't know if I love you or if I ever will."
Leonard contemplated what she was saying. He felt a little sad that she couldn't say she loved him, but he had never really expected her to. She did not seem to hate him or hold him responsible for what he had felt after Sheldon died.
For the first time since the accident, he began to hope he could maybe finally move forward. He had kept it all bottled up for so long. He was beginning to think he was not a horrible person after all.
If his mother, brother, and sister had wanted to help, if Penny and maybe the others did want the best for him, maybe it was time to let them try.
He looked down at their hands and then up into Penny's face, "I have a lot of thinking to do." He smiled, "But for the first time, I think I am ready to try."
"Thank you, Penny, for being my friend, for not giving up on me." He paused, "As for how you feel about me, I understand. But I hope we can always be friends."
Penny felt herself tearing up, "I am so glad, Leonard, that you feel you can move forward. As for you and me, I do love you, Leonard, just not the way you want."
She then shocked them both, "But that does not mean it could not change."
Then, the emotion was too much for both of them. They both began to cry and releasing their hands, threw their arms around each other.
After some time like that, they finally broke apart, wiping their eyes.
Penny headed for the bathroom while Leonard sat back, almost overcome with all that had happened.
When she came back out and sat back down beside him, Leonard spoke up, "Hayley and Michael have been after me for a long time to get some help." He looked down, "I fought it because I didn't think anyone could help me. That I didn't deserve to feel better."
He raised his head, "But I think I will take them up on their idea. I am ready to do whatever I can to try to feel better about myself."
He smiled, "Thanks to you, I finally am beginning to think there is still hope for me."
Penny was almost overcome, she finally managed to say, "Do you want me to stay? I don't have to go back to work for a while."
Leonard smiled, "As much as I would love for you to do that, I need to work this out. But I would like to keep in touch."
Penny smiled, "Don't worry about that. I am not going to lose you again." She hesitated, "I would like to talk to Bernadette and the others but I won't if you were rather I didn't."
Leonard thought about what she was saying, "If it is okay with you, I would like me to be the one to talk to them when I feel I am ready."
Penny nodded, "I understand."
They sat quietly for a while. Finally, Leonard rose, "Well, I had better get going. I have a lot to do."
As Penny rose too, he smiled, "I don't know if I ever told you how proud I am of you. You are a wonderful actor." He hesitated, "And you are as beautiful as ever."
Penny found herself blushing. She smiled, "Thank you. I am proud of what I have done."
As they made their way to the door, Penny broke the silence and surprised them both, "And I am glad you find me beautiful."
After opening the door, they looked at each other and then Penny leaned forward and taking his face in her hands, kissed him softly on the lips.
"Goodbye for now, Leonard. Good luck."
"Goodbye, Penny." He hesitated, "Until we see each other again."
Penny nodded and watched him until he entered the elevator, exchanging one last wave.
The next morning Penny flew back to California. She had called and said goodbye to Hayley and Michael but did not tell them what had transpired between her and Leonard. She just told them they had talked.
After she had been home a couple of days, she realized she wanted to visit her parents for Christmas. Although they knew about Leonard leaving, she had never really discussed it with them. She was surprised to find she wanted to talk to her mother and sister about her and Leonard.
She knew she could trust them to keep it to themselves.
They were thrilled to hear from her and told her how good it would be to see her. She sent off an email to Leonard telling him of her plans to go home.
He wrote back that he was happy that she was going home and that he had talked to Hayley and Michael about a therapist.
Before Penny went home, she had one more stop to make.
Standing beside Sheldon's grave she found herself thinking he would be pleased that she and Leonard had talked. That there was chance they could be friends again. She was gratified to realize she also believed he would be happy if there was more between them.
"I love you, Sheldon. I miss you."
Two days later, she was on a plane for Omaha, Nebraska.
At the same time, Leonard entered the office of Dr. Lora Davis, arriving for his first therapy session.