25th of Midyear

We made it to Morthal and found Falion He's not very nice and since I'm blood-starved, I scare the living daylights out of him, but somehow he's able to tell that I've never fed. Despite his fear of me, he's agreed to work the ritual that will cure me. We'll meet in the swamp later and take care of that detail. The Merry Band is at the inn in Morthal. I've decided to stay out in the swamp and I'll return to the inn once its done. Everyone is so tempting now that I don't trust myself not to feed. It's reached a point where not feeding has become physically painful. I can't be near Kaidan without fearing that my control will slip. Kaidan's a bit hurt by this, but if all goes well, its one night apart that will likely save his life.

I spent the night killing all kinds of things out in the swamp. It's a distraction from the need to feed and it keeps me from going back to Morthal to find a snack. Wolves, saber cats, goblins, a couple of werewolves, mud crabs, spiders, and yes, other vampires. Serana's blood made me strong for a vampire. The only thing I'll miss is the speed that I can move at. Vampire speed combined with Whirlwind Sprint means its almost impossible to run from me. Even though I've refused to feed, I'm still more than match for most any vampire less powerful that Harkon. I found a whole cave full them so I got to vent a good bit of my wrath and angst. Their leader seemed to think his age was going to protect him from me. If I'd been relying on vampire skills alone, he might have been right, but I'm the Harbinger. I've killed plenty of vampires before I ever became one. Wuthraad was more than equal to the task.

Morthal should be a bit less troubled by creatures and vampires since I spent the night venting my angst on them.

27th of Midyear

I bought a black soul stone from Falion and Falion's ritual worked. The sun no longer burns or makes my skin smoke. The urge to feed is gone and now I'm just hungry. Some roast goat sounds lovely. Some Kaidan sounds equally lovely. I got back to the inn and went straight to Kaidan. I pulled him into a kiss right there in the middle of the tap room. The relief in his face was worth it. He still smells delicious but not in a way that makes my mouth water. I can trust myself now to kiss him, touch him without fearing that I'll devour him. He looked at me and smiled, "My beautiful dragon, you're yourself again." Since he can sense my need, it wasn't long before we were in a room with clothing and armor rapidly hitting the floor. I wanted to do this sooner, but couldn't trust myself. There is a great deal of comfort to be had with the proper partner.

We talked for a bit afterwards. It was murder for him to be able to sense my urge to feed. He could feel the wracking pain when I was out in the swamp. He could feel the urges screaming at me that I should feast on blood. He's so attuned to me that he almost offered. Thank the gods that he didn't. If he had, I don't know if I could have resisted. If I hadn't been able to resist, I don't know that I could have stopped once I tasted him. I don't have the words to describe how entrancingly scrumptious he smelled, but I'll try. If you could somehow combine the most delicious parts of chocolate, bacon, fresh bread, sweet rolls, moon sugar, and added a side of sex, that's how delicious Kaidan smelled. Even that description doesn't do it justice. Vampire senses are more acute than human ones, and I think that was part of the problem. Sounds are amplified, colors exist in ranges even mages haven't even named yet, smells... Gods! It's even more acute than a werewolf's nose, but particularly tuned to certain scents, like fresh blood and Kaidan.

I don't know if he smelled so delectable because of our relationship, our blood-bond, or his own Akaviri nature. At this point, I don't care, other than protecting him from vampires. If he smells like that to all of them, I'll have my hands full beating them off him. Maybe I'll get Serana to give him and sniff so she can tell me if was just me or if it might be every vampire. I'm just glad its all over.

When you're in a mad place, killing mad things and trying not to go mad yourself, comfort is useful. Just being able stand there, in his arms, with my face against his chest, listening to his heart beat was steadying. I know he wonders why I kept stopping to do that, but he was my tether to reality, my sanity in that mad place. Between the howling need to feed, trying to make sure that I didn't feed on Kaidan, fending off the spirits that attacked us, many of the other things that we saw in that place, including poor Arvak, I wasn't far from panic or madness. Consider the source when I say I wasn't that far from panic or madness. I leapt through a portal into Sovengarde, knowing full well it might be a one way trip to kill Alduin. I went through a book into Apocrypha to face Miraak. I waded in to wild magic so I could stop Ancano from ending the whole damn multiverse. I hate the soul cairn. It's truly a terrible place.

We have the third scroll so we'll head back to Fort Dawnguard after we spend an extra day at the inn.

28th of Midyear

We're back at Dawnguard but the priest has blinded himself by reading the other Elder Scroll. Instead I have to go chasing after a bunch of moths. Apparently these moths can help me read the scrolls. Kaidan offered to do it but I've refused to allow it. I've read the Dragon scroll before and survived it. My dragon blood seems to provide me some protection that no one else is likely to have. Kaidan hates the idea. I've gotten a lecture about continuing to put myself in dangerous situations but honestly, I don't know what else to do. We're off to go scrape some bark off a tree and chase moths.

29th of Midyear

We made it to the Ancestor Glade. Gorgeous place, by the way. If you're looking for a romantic spot, I highly recommend it. I found the draw knife and gathered up a good bit of bark. Then I had to go running around chasing after the moths. Kaidan enjoyed watching me chase around after a bunch of bugs.. They make the most lovely soothing noise when there are enough of them. I've managed to read the scrolls and come through it unharmed. I'm not blind and I don't think I'm insane. Since I don't know how to tell, I asked Jenassa. She laughed and said that I'm not any crazier than I normally am. Rayya thinks even asking the question means I'm fine. I'm willing to accept their answer.

Now we're off to Darkfall Cave to go find Auriel's Bow. I've warned Kaidan that this likely to be a repeat of Black Reach and our speed dash through there. Powerful artifacts are not generally tossed about and this time we're racing vampires to get to the artifact. I'll be surprised if we don't cross paths with Harkon himself since the bow is critical to either fufilling or blocking the prophecy. Outside his castle and away from his lackeys, we might be able to defeat him. Our best hope lies in beating him to the bow.

30th of Midyear

Kaidan made us take a day to rest up and stock up before we go diving into this. I disputed his definition of rest since making me shout twice in the same day is definitely not restful. I can think of a lot of words to describe it but words like placid, tranquil, peaceful and restful are not among them. Words like entwined, steamy, eye-crossing, rapturous, and athletic are much more suitable. All I get is a lazy smile and that sideways look he gives me, before he offers to see if he can make me shout a third time. He says that I should agree to help make up for the interruptions at Candlehearth Hall. While I'm considering all this, he starts kissing and nipping on the nape of my neck. My gorget rubs it, so its always extra sensitive. Damn that man... He knows me too well.

1st of Sun's Height

We're camped outside of Darkfall Cave. We'll rest for a day before we dive in. Who knows when we'll have time to sleep again or even if we can find anywhere that's safe enough set watches so we can take turns sleeping. We'll go in rested and push as far as we can to see if we can find somewhere safe. If the gods don't hate us too much, we'll get lucky. It's warm enough tonight that Kaidan got his wish. I went swimming in fire under the stars.

2nd of Sun's Height

Once again, we're underground so it might not be the second, but we're tired. We've found a place that seems safe enough to get some rest so we're going to rest. We've reached a shrine where there's a snow elf. He's the only one I've ever seen and if he's what the Falmer came from, more's the pity. I haven't mentioned that I'm the Harbinger to him. He might not be so willing to help us given the history between Ysgramor and the Snow Elves. Windhelm was built by snow elves. There's probably a good bit of snow elf blood mixed into the mortar that holds all those old stones together. After what they did to his family, Ysgramor captured them, kept them as slaves, and worked them to death. That's what I was referring to when I made the offer of gold to Ulfric for the expansion and Ulfric knew it. The ones who could fled underground to the Dwermer. The Dwermer did something to them that ended up with them becoming the Falmer we all know and hate today. Gelebor, the snow elf, calls them the betrayed.

It's a way shrine to Auriel, the sun god. He'll help us but only if we kill his brother for him. He can't do it himself because it violates some oath and he's a paladin. He says that his brother's been corrupted and needs to be ended. I can sympathize. The Falmer are just as bad as the briar hearts - hate filled brutes who live like animals. In some ways' its not so different except that in my case Balder's already dead.

Damn you, Balder. I have no idea if I killed Balder or not. The fighting was thick and furious. I don't know if he'd recognize me anymore. I know that I almost didn't recognize him. All the briar hearts are is hate incarnate. Balder might have been a lout who mooched off Ma and Auntie Kelda, but he was never a hateful person. I still don't understand how he ended up on that path any more than Gelebor understands what happened to his brother. When we were younger, we'd get into so much trouble for playing pranks on everyone. We used to plan how to get out of our frozen little village together.

I know enough about not knowing what happened to Balder, how he ended up like this, why he became a briar heart to know just how much it bothers me. If I can wring something out of this Vythur before we end him that I can give to Gelebor, I'll do that. Maybe that will bring him some peace. I'll have to go poking into Balder's past at some point but it will probably after we take Summerset.

We'll take this ridiculous ewer and go find all the shrines so that we can get into this place to put his brother down, like every other mad dog we've put down. Gods! It seems that there's no end to the madmen and their ridiculous schemes.