Hello!
I had great fun to write this one, but it took me about 5 different starts before having something that I liked and could work with. It's a loose crossover with the show Highlander (I only binge watched like 16 episodes in one night some time ago and that's it.) And once I had tha stupid idea of "what if Dobby became one?" I couldn't not do it. I'm in no way an expert in the lore of Highlander, so please just roll with it. I hope you'll enjoy this fun little piece that took a lot of efforts to make!
As usual, english is not my mothertongue, and I have no beta so all mistakes are my own. Don't hesitate to review and share ideas, because I only have one more so far, and it's not that good. Anyway, I'll continue to publish as long I have new ideas and can write something ok.
Have a nice read!
Highlander
Ever since Dobby didn't die when Bellatrix Lestrange's dagger struck, he felt different. As far as he knew, he shouldn't have survived the cursed blade, never mind the fact the witch aim had been true and his heart had been fairly halved. He dug up himself from his grave, and wandered the country aimlessly, trying to understand what happened to him. He kept the dagger at his side, as a reminder that he too, as his hero, survive against all odds.
He was found a week later by a very puzzled Angus McGonagall. In his three hundred and seventy-five years of life, he never met any other magical being suffering the same condition he had. And Dobby wasn't even a wizard! He was a lowly elf! A free one, even!
He had no idea how a house-elf came to be an Immortal, but after a moment of surprise, he found it supremely amusing. In any case, he thought his duty to educate every young Immortals he came across, and Dobby, as unusual as he was, was a new Immortal. The MacLeods had taught him the value of friendship, and he couldn't turn his back to the little elf.
So, he educated Dobby. He taught him about the immortality of the Immortals (as if the name didn't speak for itself, but hey, he taught enough kids to know that it was better to never assume). He taught him about their fate, about how they would inevitably kill each other off, so there will be only one in the end. The only to way to permanently kill a fellow Immortal was to behead him or her. He told him that upon such an event, the winner of the duel would receive all the power and knowledge accumulated by the -dead- loser. This was called the Quickening. The pull to kill each other was unescapable, and in the end "There can be only one." He repeated it over and over, as Dobby didn't seem to understand that every time he would meet another Immortal, a fight to death would follow.
It was rare that Immortals developed friendship, and those who did were keenly aware of the fact that maybe one day they would have to duel. They usually didn't stay around each other for long. A fight between Immortals was always a duel, and someone else interfering was forbidden. Angus didn't really explain what were the penalties to break the rules, as no one ever really did. They just knew those were the rules, and they shouldn't, couldn't break them.
It seemed fairly simple.
Dobby trained in the arts of the swords, and different kinds of blades under the excellent tutelage of McGonagall. He didn't really understand why Angus never taught him other fighting techniques. Why the Immortals were so set on using swords? Even Angus, the only practitioner of magic he knew amongst the Immortals never used his talents in a fight.
It was incomprehensible for Dobby. It was an advantage, why would he ignore it? A severing charm from afar would behead someone as surely as an expert swipe of a sword in close range. If beheading was the only requirement to defeat your enemy, this should work, right? Anyway, it wasn't even using an unfair advantage, because nothing seemed fair in this new world he'd been thrust upon. Some old Immortals were hunting down newbies like himself to easily built up their power. He would not die like this! Dobby would use every skill he had.
When McGonagall finally concluded that his training was complete, they parted ways. Dobby kept thinking about the skills he could use to survive and strive. To disguise his appearance, he bought a Robin Hood kid's costume with a deep hood that he spelled to hide his face and ears. He searched the Come-and-Go room for valuables to flip for coins, and to exchange for a Goblin made sword of the best quality.
He found more than he hoped for, and ended up opening a vault to store everything. When he brought a very nice diadem encrusted with huge gems, sadly reeking of Dark Magic, the Goblins where head over heels for him and offered him a full plate armour, plus a full set of first grade weapons from a subdermal needle to a double-edged axe, some cursed, other with simple blades, all highly lethal in competent hands.
Dobby didn't know, but Lord Voldemort was very bad for business, and the Goblins were businesspeople as well as curse breakers, so when they saw the Horcrux, they set upon breaking the curse that was Lord Voldemort on the economy. They succeeded, covertly helping the famed Harry Potter in this endeavour.
In the meantime, Dobby's considerations were far from the turmoil of the wizarding world. He had his own battles to win. Thinking about how magic could help him to keep being alive, made him think about all the ways someone could be beheaded without the use of a sword of similar attire.
He made a list.
That he gradually crossed off as he managed to test his ideas.
He didn't exactly try to implement them in order, he was more of an opportunist. As the pull to be the last one standing came stronger and stronger, he tried to stay creative. Swords were so boring, when you were used to the wonders of magic. He came to agree with McGonagall in a sense, using magic felt like cheating most of the times. You couldn't feel victorious when there hadn't been even a semblance of fight to start with. But it didn't keep him from experimenting. His knowledge grew, as he defeated more and more opponent. Thus, he became very savvy in the ways of the muggles too. In a little booklet, he started to write his favourite death as they came. Sometimes, he liked to randomly peruse through them. If you could read over his shoulder, you may come upon those.
#
Dobby had much fun driving around town in his new motorcycle. The chase was exhilarating, and the guy following him was a mighty combatant. They already had one fight, that he had to abort because the police showed up too close to their location. None were the victor, but Dobby hadn't used all the tricks he had in his hat. Speeding through a narrow street gave him an idea. The guy Ahmed, never saw it coming. One second, he was soaring through the street on his Harley Davidson, the next his head was flying while his hand kept grabbing the handles of his motorcycle, which soon crashed.
Wire between two lamp posts, done.
#
Marcel was an ugly lad. His face had been burned in a fire two hundred years ago, he missed on eye and his legs were bent. Many opponents underestimated him, thinking his crooked feet made him a worthless competitor. They usually had about one second before they realised the error of their ways, and two more for the surprise to set on their face until it was detached from their shoulders. Dobby didn't. His short stature and high pitch didn't inspire fear, after all, and that had been the demise of more than one Immortal.
Dobby and Marcel were circling each other in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Berlin. Marcel had a low stance, his longsword firmly in his hands. Dobby thought he looked quite stupid like that, but didn't comment. The man could jump like no other, and he didn't want to be taken by surprised. Dobby only had an unopened pack of butter in his hands. Suddenly, he threw it to the French guy, and it stuck to his torso. The man began to laugh. He never had the chance to inhale again.
This was no cooking ingredient.
Dobby popped out, as the C4 in butter packaging exploded, showering the entire warehouse with Marcel bits and pieces too little to be identified. Shards of glass littered the entire block afterwards, and half the roof collapsed, as the north wall. Soon, the rest followed as the whole building fell on itself, overcame by the lightning of the Quickening.
Marcel's head had been effectively severed from his body, as neither no longer existed.
Death by extensive brain damage, done.
#
They were above an aquarium, somewhere where animal right activists weren't welcomed. Dobby was quite fascinated by the big fish lazing around in the salted water. Aquarium was maybe a weak word for this. It looked more like an indoor pond, housing the large predators.
Dobby didn't have the leisure to contemplate them though. His opponent, Amir or something, was bearing his teeth at him. Dobby charged, armed with a taser. The guy snarled.
"You think you can kill me with a mere taser? How pathetic." He raised his scimitar. And fell promptly into the enlarged pool, paralyzed by the high voltage contraption.
One bite from one powerful flesh-eating beast lurking in the water at his neck, and he deed was sealed.
Shark Attack, done.
#
Of course, Dobby tried other animals. Crocodiles, tigers, lions, bears, and other predators were the obvious. It didn't always work, but it was fun to try. The funnier was the one with the elephant.
Dumbo was so pissed off at the human who barged in her sanctuary and brandished a weapon near her children that she rolled her trunk around his head. She shook him so hard that his spine broke and his skin gave away to the pressure. His head fell on the floor, and the rest of him ended up plastered in a tree twenty meters away. Dobby gave her enough food to last a year in thanks.
#
Another laughed as Dobby brought out this wonderful muggle tool instead of a sword. It was a short laugh, though, as she quickly lost her limbs before her head rolled down the hill. He loved the smell of gasoline in the morning.
Chainsaw, done.
#
Those French were so fond of their little toys. Half the museum exhibit was destroyed, but this contraption had proven useful.
Dobby had half a mind to not bother to wear weapons anymore. He always found things to use anyway.
Guillotine, done.
#
This ancient Russian silo seemed very cosy, Dobby mused as he attached his petrified opponent to a missile. His sense of homeliness was very peculiar, but hey, the elf was literally unique. It took him a moment to figure out the antiquated computers. Fortunately, those old machines were made to last, and he managed to turn on the controls in a timely fashion. The lady chose this moment to wake up. Immortals had a better resistance to magic than normal muggles, Dobby noted not for the first time. She just had time to scream in anger.
The missile shot to the sky, taking her glued-on head with it, but not the rest of the body as it was chained to the floor.
Straight to heaven, done.
#
He shouldn't have challenged Dobby in a carpenter's shop.
Circular saw, done.
#
Well, he spent enough time in France to learn about the adventures of Asterix and Obelix. They were funny.
Menhir, done.
#
In between Immortals encounters, Dobby had to keep himself busy. On that fateful day, he was back in old good Britain. He was attempting to break in some rich prick manor. He had to hone his skills, after all, and a complacent man was a dead man in his line of work. Also, one never had too much gold, so filling his vault was a worthy occupation.
Why Immortals were so set on declaiming their names and declaring their intention to duel beforehand? It gave him enough time to shoot his grapevine at the man, which went up his bowels before deploying, popping his head out of the spine.
Stick in the ass, done.
#
While visiting America, Dobby discovered a fondness for comic books. All he needed was eyes, and practice.
Laser beams, done.
#
The Weasleys twins were a great source of inspiration. They took out a whole bunch of Death Eaters at a banquet a while ago. Dobby was not disappointed.
Chen was surprised when he offered him a candy right before their duel. He had no time to react when it exploded as soon as it went past his glottis.
Deep throat, done.
#
Dobby was cleaning a filthy street, because he couldn't always ignore the elf inside him. When that two-legged scum came to him, well, it was over fairly quickly.
Kärcher, done.
#
He was at a Japan expo. Manga were great too. In the crowd, he felt the tingles. A joint trip to the toilets, and it was done. The surge of the Quickening shortened the electric system of the whole event. It was a shame, really, Dobby only had the time to see half the stands before they were told to evacuate.
Shuriken, done.
#
Dobby didn't like beaches much, but he'd rescued a dog a couple of weeks ago, and the dog liked to run, a lot.
When this bikini clad woman appeared in the sunset, Dobby immediately knew what to do.
Frisbee, done.
#
Dobby was tired of all the murdering. He went to a deserted island with his dog to take a break from it all. Unfortunately, this island had one other inhabitant, who sought out the same.
There can be only one.
Silex, done.
#
Dobby was trying his hands at tree trimming. The one waiting for him at the back of the parc wasn't much of a hassle.
Pliers, done.
#
Really, even in the middle of the ocean? This cruise was expensive, dammit!
Helix, done.
#
Top Gun was a wonderful movie. Dobby absolutely wanted to try this. After a lot of backroom deals and many pot-de-vin, he finally had the opportunity. His ideas of death-defying manoeuvres were quite literal, as his co-pilot soon discovered when Dobby felt an Immortal waiting for him on the desert ground. Having to clean the blood of the nose of the plane hadn't been a hardship. Being barred from ever setting foot in an American Airforce base, ever, was very annoying however.
Fighter jet, done.
#
Dobby wanted to master this freestyle trick. He really wanted to. So, when the man kept pestering him to fight, he lost patience. Fine! He told him to wait for him at the end of the ski jump. Dobby came at him at full speed, cutting through him with his left ski.
Head flip, done.
#
Dobby had this syringe filled with the most potent acid in the world for a while now. He didn't understand why those Iranians gave it to him. All he did was to help them with electricity. Electricity was very important for muggles, and he was happy to give them some uranium so they could have a functioning nuclear facility.
The needle sat in his pocket, as he didn't have a reason to use it yet. When Cleopatra in person crossed his path, he didn't hesitate. She was so old, she probably killed half the Immortals herself. He wouldn't take any chance.
The needle, such a feeble weapon she dismissed it without a second glance, stuck in her oesophagus. The acid rushed into her throat, burning everything so fast that her head fell off her shoulder too quickly for her prodigious healing abilities to catch up.
Puncture wound, done.
#
Yoda was his hero. Of course, he had to do it.
Lightsabre, done.
#
Dobby was in Canada. He didn't like to hunt, he had enough killing in his life. He did what every sane person did in winter. (Well, as he thought sane people should do.) He went skating on a frozen lake. He was happy, really, until some jock came at him with a sword.
Triple axel to the head, done.
#
Dobby generously offered a diamond necklace to a rival. The vain woman wore it at fundraising event. In the middle of the president speech, the diamonds started to rotate faster and faster. Soon, they carved into her throat and went though her neck. Hopefully, the Quickening surge fried all the electronics in the vicinity, and Dobby's deed went unrecorded. Psychiatric experts put the confused testimonies of the witnesses on shock and horror at what had happened.
Kissed by diamonds, done.
#
Dobby couldn't pilot another flying engine, ever. He was barred from even entering a commercial plane. He didn't want to spent countless hours and divert resources to built his own jet, and his own airport away from prying eyes, so he was left with the next best thing.
His own circuit, and Formula one racing car.
Why, oh why, that Sherlock thought it intelligent to nap in the middle of his seventeen hundred and fifth lap?
F1 collision, done.
#
It was a classic in wizarding battles. Dobby fought with his Barbie size battle axe, pretending to give a fuck about this duelling crap. Soon, he became impatient. He had a banana split waiting for him at home.
Fire whip, done.
#
Not content to find him in the most random and remote places ever, now they were breaking and entering!
Someone once told him that every object with enough velocity could be mortal. Dobby took it to the test. He threw his snack at the intruder with all his might.
Well, this person was right. Mars bars at Mach 3 were good enough to sever a head.
Mars attack, done.
#
His foray with candy bars gave him a new avenue to explore. He had ready to use food when he met the next one in a vineyard.
Planet of the grapes, done.
#
Why would someone try to corner him in a restaurant? He knew how to handle his frying pans, thank you very much!
Casserole, done.
#
The petrified roses he just acquired were beautiful. Such a shame they had such a short life span in his hands. Dobby learned that day that throwing them at Mach 3 was a sure way to break them into dust when they encountered a human being, then a wall. It made an interesting pattern in the wall, though.
Roses are read and you're dead, done.
#
Dobby was trying to open his new car when the woman tried to grip his hand. He had destroyed enough cars, he wanted to keep that one, dammit. He punched her in the neck with his keys between his fingers, over and over until there was no more resistance.
Keys to heaven, done.
#
Dobby was tired of people trying to jump his fence. So, he sharpened their edges. Miguel had been very polite. He used the door dash and waited for Dobby to meet him. He didn't account for Dobby to just push his head toward the low metal enclosure next to the portal. Dobby was happy that stainless steel was easy to clean. Much easier than his old white pickets.
On the fence, done.
#
If projected at the right velocity, every object can be lethal. It was also true when people were projected at said object with the necessary speed. Rising high in the sky, Dobby bombed dived his opponent into a muggle resting contraption. (It took him a while to realise that fighter jets weren't the only available means to fly. Brooms could be fun too.)
Benched, done.
#
It had nothing to do with Dobby's planning, per se, but he made the better of it. When the rocks fell from the sky at break neck speed, it had only been a matter of positioning his opponent and angling his head correctly, while shielding himself.
Volcano eruption, done.
# # #
Many, many decades after his non-death, Dobby was absolutely fed up with this Immortal business. His friend Harry Potter was tired too. The Master of Death couldn't die either, and Dark Lords just didn't take the clue and left him alone. Everyone of their generation was long deceased, and they only wanted to live the remainder of their years in peace. So, they packed, built up a space ship, and sailed through space, together.
As soon as they left the solar system, Dobby relaxed for the first time in ages. Finally, he was the only Immortal in the vicinity. The influx of information about life and everything overwhelmed him for a while, before he managed to push it in the corner of his mind. Magic was handy in this way. Harry used the opportunity of them passing nearby a black hole to toss the Deathly Hallows in it. To his profound joy, it worked and he aged along Dobby in their vessel.
They died happy, in the middle of literally nowhere.
Five days later, their ship was retrieved by an advanced alien civilisation. Looking though the stuff they left behind, they found their journals. Upon deciphering them, they swore to avoid Earth at all cost.
"One hundred ways to vanquish Dark Lords before breakfast" and "Two hundred and seventy-five fun ways of beheading" weren't the best introduction to Earthen culture it seemed.