Lily stayed in bed, trying to wrap her mind around things that happened too fast for her to analyze them. She had been having fun these past weeks despite everything on her mind.
Mary's family were nice, and her older cousin May knew quite a lot about anything boy-related. They somwhow snatched a witch weekly magazine from a third year girl, and read it together, giggling over stupid things. Did professor McGonagal ever eat something in her cat form? Like raw fish?
Could professor Dumbledroe general barminess be due to execessive sugar rush from eating all those candies? Could wizards get diabetes?
Who could beat the other faster, an angry professor Fitwich, or an angry professor Sprout?
-her money was on professor Sprout. She had heard Sev go on and on about hearing how she had gone all hercules on McGonagal and defended her charges. She had a mother hen persona, and Moms were totally scary when their kids were threatened. Her Mom one time was about to slap Sev's father, and the man actually looked frightened.
Talking about Sev and her first year…
Her first year at Hogwarts was both terrific and terrifying.terrific because she felt she belonged somewhere at last, and had girls as friends for the first time in her life!terrible because she had to be seperated from Sev, she knew it would happen, but she didn't need to like it. She was worried that he would be sorted in Slytherin abit, what with all those nasty things Potter-Black duo said. Not that she thought Sev would become a blood purist like silly Black said. She worried if they hurt him, he was a half blood after all. So imagine her surprise when Sev was sorted into the least expected house, Hufflepuff. He was an ambicious, clever, gallent boy and If anything, he would fit so much better in Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor wasn't so bad if you ignored those two imbecils.
She at first wanted to go and ask for a re-sort. No way he would fit with those cuddly sweet things, he would hate being there, with those half-brains as he called them often.
-trully, somme of them left a very bad expression. Like a second year one who had stubbornly stayed in infirmary when he had been touched by those wearing werewolf costumes. He-what his name- had driven Pomfery mad.
Alright.Even if he landed on the snake house, it would be better.Slytherin was weird, and all upper years went out of their ways bitching about them, but surely it was exaggerating, house rivalry shit and all. besides Sev's Mom was a Slytherin, and while not the best of Moms, she wasn't the baby eating monster those Gryffs made the Slytherins to be.
But Sev thrived there. Made a gaggle of friends.
An enexpected turn of heart, mind, mindset…everything about him changed.
-sometimes she thought she didn't know him. That he was like years older than them, acted older like them. When he had reacted the way he had when Charity was poisoned? A kid would not do that.
Would?
Friends…
What a word.
What was even more surprising than his sorting, was him making friends.
A lot of friends.
Charity she could get. The girl could be friendly with anyone and anything under the sun. Lily wouldn't be surprised if she befriended Filch or the Squid oneday.she made it hard not to like her.
Frank was explainable too. she knew he had been the one lending him his robes, and Sev wouldn't ever let a favour unreturned. also he shared a room with Longbottom.
But Bones? Prewetts? Tonks?
Regulus Black?
The Severus she knew, went out of his way to avoid people. He was plenty smart, and dealing with stupid, well people who knew less than him, made his head hurt. He kept to the shadows, hardly smiled and was taciturn.
This Severus tolerated Frank babblings, laughed openly and used his charm, unbelivable but yes. He used his newfound charm and cuteness to his advantage. Sometimes using the sympathy card.
He used to hate sympathy, pity, whatever.
Sometimes she thought he was not her Sev at all. he was too differnet from the boy from Spinner end at home.
And his gazes..
He always looked funny at her. She was old enough to know something was not normal, but not understand the cause.
And then he came out and said he liked her as a sister, and when that didn't make her happy, she went looking for answers.
She had not digested his sudden change of heart, getting low-bent on having as many friends as he could, when he was made the Quidditch team. Now He was wearing semi-decent clothes, washed his hair and smiled more, he was…he was different. So much different and somehow the same. He was changing into the best version of himself.
Then came the first blow, and he had been hospitalized.
Those awful endless days made her think more about him, and their relationship. Made her hate herself for the jealousy she felt, for abandoning him those first days to hang out with her new pals from her own house. She knew things could be rough for him, God knew he was awkward.
Maybe she thought it would make him thirsty for her friendship? To take back that 'sister' comment that bothered her a lot?
Why did this bother her at all?
And that burning feeling when charity hugged him, and when McKinnon made a pass at him and he didn't get it, or when he was happy at his table, with Tonks and Bones and Twins and Frank and Charity.
Without her. Without a Lily by his side.
Was she an awful person for wanting to keep him for herself? was she a bint for wanting his smiles to be for her, and her only? That she was afraid of him forgetting all about her, and prefer them over her?
That feeling that clawed her heart when he easily replaced the center of attention she held for a long time.
Oh, she was plenty worried for him too. when he was hurt by that devil plant, or when he was hurt by professor McGonagall underhanded technique.
Not that his 'perception' or acquiring a 'phoenix' for a pet helped her feel better. She felt resentful, because he had somehow snatched her place as being the brightest student without a hitch.
A place she held for too short a time to be of notice.
That he was so much better than her.
So, when he was between life and death, it made her think deeper.
Made her find out about wanting him in her life, no matter how, or why.
And the second blow.
He didn't need her like the way she needed him anymore. He was still her best friend, the one who knew most about her, but she wasn't that for him.
She was a best friend in name only.
-she couldn't help but think it was her place.. she was her first friend. The only one in their school who talked to him and didn't treat him like a cast out. She never looked at him like he was lacking, while he certainly lacked many things. His greasy hair, his wrinkled patched uniform. His alltogether hostile attitude… she was there for him, shielding him, caring for him, wiping his tears…
And his new friends only saw a clean, curly haired cute boy. A soft spoken, polite boy with a not broken nose. They saw his appearance, did they ever saw beyond that? Would they give him the time of the day if they knew him as the boy from spinner end?-
And he was rising above her so quickly, while she had been his superior in looks, money, popularity for so many years. Now he sat with Lords and Ladies, was friends with a Black heir, and was a celebrity.
The prophet wrote about his every move. Called him the hufflepuff hero, the successor of Merlin.
Not to mention a proclaimed genious.
Her place in his life wasn't a guaranteed thing anymore.
So she tried distancing herself like her friends, Mary and Dorcas, said it would help.
It didn't .
He got himself tangled with Blacks more, got hurt by a lunatic murderer, and again further from her ever.
Now he was deemed a hero. A force to be recknoed with, because he, a first year , had singlehandedly saved not one, but two Blacks, the Royalties of the wizarding Britain.
Regulus was in his debt, and Andromeda Black offered the 'godfather' position to him.
She was a muggle-born, but she had done her researches. Blacks were monarchs of the wixen community.The godfather to the firstborn heir of one of two main branches of the Blacks, a firstborn said to be a metamorph. The rare talent of Blacks no-one had seen for a long time.
She had to just think.
Think more.
Why she was feeling this wretched while she should be happy for him?
And the last one.
The third blow.
The hit that undid her.
The news that he had befriended Petunia, was teaching her magic, and helped install a floo in their home.
That her being away, only enabled Petunia to snatch him for herself. Petunia being her abonoxous little self, had probably turned him against her already.
She was lost.
Lonely.
Now Petunia has magic, so she isnt her parents special girl anymore.
Now Sev has friends, so she isnt his best friend anymore.
What is she?
And the hardest fact that she finally understood.
She liked Severus.
She liked him to be more than her friend.
She had stayed up late last night. After her talk with Petunia over floo, she needed to clear her head.
And what better than a talk with someone not included in the current affairs like Mary was?
May happily accepted.
"you see Lils, most girls want someone loyal, and funny. Having good looks or being rich is not that important. In the end, you want someone you can share your sadness, and your happiness. Someone to have your back."
And she, the stupid little girl she was, had only found out now.
" those people are hard to find, and harder to keep. And if they are smart or supposed to have a bright future ahead? You can not leave them alone for a second. Other girls will snatch them away. They try with hugs, and shared space. And then…" May's voice echoed in her head.
Was Petunia after Sev? Was Charity?
Did she really have a crush on her best friend?
Was it a crush? Was she supposed to have a crush on her best friend?
Was it love?
No, they were too bloody young, and Petunia had not had her first kiss yet, and she was a lot older.
Right?
She was so confused.
Why did she leave him alone, again?
She had sensed he was distancing himself from her. She sensed he was sharing less and less things with her, and spending more time with his new friends.
-sometimes she thought about his new friends finding the truth about him. See if they stayed with him after that like she had.
She wasn't sure it would make her happy if it happened, or sad because Sev would turn to the somber boy he was. That sev would become sad.-
Time.
So why she had lost this precious time, the only time she could have him all for herself?the time she could have used to find out if she really liked him or not?
And now she had Petunia to compete with. Neat, clean Petunia who could bake cakes to die for and sew like a pro.
And Lily, who was the second on their year, her hair always in disarray and her clothes always wrinkled.
A very bright idea.
She squered her shoulders. She would go back home, and try to figure out a way to find out if she liked Sev, had a crush or whatever. She couldn't lose more time and she had to be home to worm her way into severus life again.
If severus wanted her anymore.
If he needed her at all.
Right.
"do you really want to go?" asked Mary.
"I have things to do" she said as she hugged her friend .
Then inhaled. Time to man up.
Face her fears, hopes.
Face Sev.
"Evans residence!" she shouted while throwing the powder into flames.