I would never have enough breadcrumbs to explore the dark hallways winding through Rose Hill Orphanage and find my way back before being eaten up at the heart of the house. Each room is bitterly frozen in time, the desks, the beds, the inhabitants, everything is as cold as clay here. Perhaps because it was once a hospital, and stood abandoned for a very long time. Now it belongs to us children, and our 'mother', Madame Louisa. I came here only last year, after my parents decided their devotion to Heaven Valley, a cult I had been born into, was more important than raising their only daughter. It didn't matter that they abandoned me, for it was just as lonely here as it had been living with the cult. But I do miss the time I had to myself, all the silent hours in the forest that bordered the farm where everyone lived together. Here there is no place to hide, the other children always find me and pull me into their cruel games. At first they were afraid of me, coming from such a strange place, but quickly found I posed no threat. I was pure white blankness, I would swallow all of their hatred and never spit it back.
From the outside, the orphanage appears to be an impressive, grandly decaying manor. Inside there are many locked rooms we are not allowed to enter, but the children have made games of trapping one another inside them. To peek at silver trays where gruesome tools lay moldering, to strap each other to beds with thick restraints and imagine the souls who lost their minds as they lay there long ago. The echo of these terrible rooms haunt our dreams, yet it is the only playground we have, our laughter hushed as we shove one another inside a ghostly operating theater, our skin prickling with goosebumps at the thought of dried blood upon the rusty table.
"They wrap you in a big white sheet, from your head down to your feet! They put you in a big black box, and cover you up with dirt and rocks! All goes well for about a week and then your coffin begins to leak! The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on your snout! They eat your eyes, they eat your nose, they eat the jelly between your toes! A big green worm with rolling eyes, crawls in your stomach and out your eyes!"
Their favorite song, the chilling 'Hearse Song', meant to make children laugh as their flesh crawls at the curious thought of death. The children here grab my long hair and sing it at me, slashed mouths loudly chanting, their faces a blur so close to mine. It is usually sung at breakfast, for we have lots of jelly and toast in the mornings. Mean eyes taunting as they scrape the jelly across the burned bread, whispering the lyrics after Madame Louisa has told them curtly to stop.
Julia is my age, ten, with falls of smoky black hair, as black as her heart, gray eyes shining with hatred behind her twinkling glasses. Peter, more of her slobbering attack dog than a little boy, is seven years old and wildly thin. Harold, her other attack dog, is six, with more of a well-fed appearance than Peter but just as wild. They told me that a girl had been adopted before I arrived, Rhonda, and that I'd never be good enough to replace her.
"The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out!" Peter shrieks behind me, snagging his spindly fingers in my hair and tugging me backwards, running ahead so I'm the last one to the table.
"Carrie, finally you can join us!" Madame Louisa, never happy to see me, passes the jar of jam as Peter sticks out his tongue.
The boys have taken all the bacon, but only because Julia is a vegetarian. If she wasn't, she would get the most. I don't get any. I'm used to the feeling of starvation, though, because in Heaven Valley, emptiness was something to strive for. We didn't live off of sunlight and air, mind you, but eating very little allowed your spirit to be lifted closer to God. It was selfless and holy to take in only a meal or less a day.
"Madame Louisa! Carrie has a worm in her hair!" Julia squealed, eyes glittering maliciously. "It's very rude of her not to keep her hair clean, I wont be able to keep my breakfast down!"
"Hush, Julia. What silly games you children keep up. Carrie, take better care of your hair, it does look a touch greasy," she scolded.
I kept my pale golden head still, taking a small bite of toast, and then a smaller helping of fried egg. Julia whispered to Peter, who then whispered to Harold, and all three erupted in giggles that stung the back of my eyes. I had let them see me cry the very first morning, but I wouldn't let it happen again.
"Look what I found out in the garden!" Mr. Grammel, the groundskeeper, trudged in then, carrying with him a sweet little dummy dressed in a black tuxedo, a ruffled red carnation peeking out of his pocket. His hair flame-colored, his eyes emerald and quite grumpy as they glared at us all. "I'm going to wash this little devil up and put him in the playroom for you guys,"
"Look! Carrie is in love with him!" Julia announced, and my cheeks flushed as I turned back to my breakfast, eating in silence. I was only bemused by his expression, I had never had toys growing up, and certainly I'd never seen a doll that looked so lifelike. I hoped I could play with him and have him all to myself.
That night when lessons were over and we were allowed one hour in the playroom, which was really a museum of dusty, vintage toys we never touched, the dummy was there waiting for us, propped in a rocking chair on a velvet red cushion with his hands folded serenely in his lap. I stood in the doorway holding my breath, watching Peter step up to him and slap his wooden cheek cruelly.
"He's so ugly! Mr. Grammel should have burned him to put him out of his misery!" Julia wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Let's put him in the fireplace, it's too cold tonight and we need the warmth," Harold said, and they all quickly agreed.
"Leave him alone!" I cried, running into the bitter room, taking the dummy into my arms. "I think he's nice,"
"Of course Carrie loves him, he's unwanted just like her," Julia sneered, and Peter and Harold began to chant 'Unwanted! Unwanted!', pleasing their mistress.
"Fine, go on and take him out of here, I can't stand the sight of him. He's appalling! He really would look much better in the fireplace," Julia reached out to yank a strand of my hair, understanding she could make a new pawn of the dummy.
Tears sting my eyes as I press the dummy protectively to my chest, stumbling back out into the dark hallway. It's only his first night here, and already they are treating him just as awful as they treat me. But I saved him, he's mine! "We'll be safe in my room," I whisper, setting him on the bed and shoving my desk chair beneath the doorknob. I change into my nightgown and climb in beside him, staring into his large, seedy eyes as the wind blows down the crisp autumn leaves outside. His wooden skin is icy to the touch, I shiver as I press a finger to his cheek. "You're cold as clay," He says nothing back. "I'm sorry they were so mean to you, they're mean to me too. It's so miserable here, but I'm glad we can be friends now. You will be my friend, won't you?"
Was it a trick of the moonlight? I swear that his green eye winked at me!