Morning Star
All my life I never knew
That I could find someone like you
I'll wait as long as it will take
And I hear your voice, it's in the rain
Your tears, they wash away the pain
I know that you're so far away
My dear, you're in my life to stay
-Kyæhle, Stay
Chapter One: Home
The entire car ride home was silent as me and my mother left the airport. I put on my earbuds and listened to some music on my iPod as I stared out the widow. It was in the early afternoon as we return to the small town of Forks, Washington. The gloomy sky was covered with grey clouds which made me think it would probably rain soon, but I really didn't care if it did or not.
My mother, Grace, and I had just returned from staying in Atlanta, Georgina with her younger sister, Penny, from a two week bereavement leave for the lost of my father, Andy, who died last mouth in March due to car crash and I was in the car with him. It was all a blur and I had no memory of what happened. All I could remember was we were driving from Port Angeles and then there being a strange dark yellow light and the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital with bearable minor pain. I was told I was found unconscious on the road by another driver who stoped to help me and called and ambulance. My dad unfortunately was found dead from a broken neck.
What had happened to me was completely unexplainable. According to the police, I was found on the road near Lake Crescent; which was a lake located within the Olympic National Park, and along with me my dad's lifeless body and his car which looked like it was nearly torn in half. At first they assumed it must have been from hit and run, but there was no possible way I could have survived that kind of a car wreck and not have my body completely destroyed, plus me and my dad where outside the vehicle which neither myself or anyone couldn't explain, so the main mystery was how was it that we both ended out of the car and why I was still alive after a supposed car wreck but my dad wasn't? He was found with dark bruises around his neck like he had been strangled to death, and the only injury I had was a small cut to my right cheek which had healed, but left a permanent scar.
Since I didn't suffer from any major injuries, the doctors only kept me in the hospital for a couple of hours and let my mom take me home once they were confident I was physically okay. Mentally, I wasn't sure myself. I just felt completely numb. I didn't even cry at my own father's funeral. I wasn't an unemotional person so it concerned my aunt Penny that I may not be grieving properly. She knew everyone grieved in their own way and didn't want to pressure me, but she still insisted me and my mom both talk to someone. The grief counselor we spoke to assured us that what I was experiencing was normal and I was just processing everything in my own way which made sounded fine, but I knew my mom would live with the pain of losing my dad for a long time.
Even now my mom tried to put on a brave face for my sake but I knew how destroyed she was inside. Since I was the emotionally numb one, I did everything I could to be strong for the both of us. I know that it's the parent that suppose to be the support system in these circumstances, but this was my mother. I didn't care about societal norms, my dad was gone and I was all my mother had left and as her only son I would do everything I could to make sure she didn't completely fall apart. Neither one of us could afford to lose each other or break down. I just couldn't let that happen.
We soon arrived back to our home which was a two story house with two bedrooms. The outside of the house had a dark teal wood siding and a dark grey roof. The house had a porch with a white wooden deck railing and the garage was the left side of the house.
After parking in the driveway, we both retrieved our respective luggage and headed into the house. The moment we stepped into the house, we both stood in silence. It was so quite and empty without my dad. I turned to my mom to see sadness spread all over her face. My mother had rich ebony skin, and eyes that had a brunneous color, and she had pitch black hair which was straight and shoulder length.
"Mom?" I called to her. It was the first words I said since we left the airport. She still stood in silence as if I didn't say anything at all.
"Mom?" I called again, this time speaking a little louder.
She snapped out of her dazed and turned to me, "Oh, I'm sorry, honey."
"It's okay. Do you want me to take your bags upstairs?"
"Yeah, thank you. I need to check the mail in the kitchen anyway. I need to thank the Johnsons for getting it while we were away," she said, giving me a weak smile.
I nodded and grabbed the bags and headed upstairs. I put my mom's bags in her and my dad's room before heading to my own which was down the hall and across from the bathroom. I placed my luggage on my bed once I got in my room and started to unpack all my clothing putting them in my drawers and my shoes in my closet.
My room looked completely different from the rest of the house. While the rest of the house had a craftsman style interior, my room was one fit for a nerd. My room had light grey walls that matched the wooden floors. My bed faced the left side of the room which also had posters of different sci-fi, fantasy, and anime movies and tv shows on the wall. My tv was on a wooden stand across the end of my bed with all my game systems, and video games and dvd's were on the shelfs of the tv stand. I had a bookshelf next to my tv stand which had different genre of books, comics and Japanese manga on it. Near my bedroom window I had my desk with with my laptop on it along with my printer and other desk supplies.
I had lived in this house all of my life. My mom and Dad brought the house four mouths before I was born. My parents met in their early twenties before my mom started her junior year at the University of Pennsylvania. The story is my dad had been a troubled kid during his teen years. He got into fights in and outside of school, got in trouble with the law a few times, partied like a rock star till the crack of dawn, and worst of all was "The biggest disappointing pain the ass" to his parents he would tell me. I guess you can say my dad was an absolute nightmare as a teenager.
My mother on the other hand was the complete opposite of my dad as teenager. She was a straight A student, valedictorian of her High School graduating class, and was attending one the states elite Ivy League schools. She was a parents biggest dream and what someone people would say had the perfect life. In the summer of 1985, my mother went on a trip to Paris, France with two of her friends where she met my dad who left home to go and explore the world.
The story is they met at a some bar which was owned by the uncle of some french guy named Louis who my mom made friends with (and who she was sorta kinda seeing but not really.) and my dad being drunk accidentally bumped into another drunk man who didn't take to kindly to an American bumping into him and started yelling and threatening him in french, and of course Louis tried to break it up, but my dad being who he was threw the first punch and caused a bar fight with the guy and his friends. Thankfully Louis and his friends jumped in to help otherwise my dad injuries he got would have been a lot worse.
Being all alone in a foreign country, Louis extended some generosity took my dad to the hospital. Now, my mom was totally against it and made the mistake of judging my dad before she got to know him, but in her mind my dad was a trouble making thug who started a bar brawl and to him my mom was stuck up, judgmental snob so they did not like each other at all in the beginning. Soon after, my dad also made friends with Louis and his friends after that, but my mom still saw my dad as nothing more than trouble even though Louis tried to convince her he was actually a decent guy. They both now hung around the same crowd, but they refused to be friends with one another.
Both my parents perception of each other changed when my mom did a dance performance in a small theater lounge and my dad helped her by taken over playing the piano for someone who had gotten sick before my mom's performance started. They both were amazed and thought each others performance was beautiful and started to get along and learn more about each other after that.
Before they left Paris and went they're separate ways, they both decided to stay in contact and exchanged numbers even though they lived in different states they wanted to continue their growing friendship.
Some time after my mom started school again at UPenn, my dad went down to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to visit her and then they started to fall in love the more they were with each other. If the term opposites attract were two people my parents would have been it. She had already decided to just stay friends with her french friend Louis and my dad decided to get his life in order thanks to some encouraging advice from my mom. Of course he still felt horrible about his past mistakes, but he made a promise to be better not just for himself but to his parents and younger brother.
Since they were now a couple, he decided to live in Massachusetts with my mom in an apartment she shared with a friend and got a job working as a busboy at a restaurant as he worked on getting his GED. After a year of dating, around October of 1986, my mom got pregnant with me during her senior year at UPenn.
While they were both very young, my parents decided to keep me and I was born on July 15, 1987. My dad had already received his GED and got a job in construction and my mom had graduated with a degree in finance and got a job as a loan officer before she had me. They decided they wanted to live a nice quiet life and brought our current home from a family friend on my mom's side of family. The house wasn't much when they first got it, but they were happy to have something they could call theirs.
It was very obvious to everyone who saw us that I got my looks from the my dad. People would always jokingly say we we were twins cause of how much we looked alike. While my mom was African American, my dad was Japanese on his mother's side and Native American (specifically Blackfeet) on his father's. We both had the same wavy, onyx black hair expect his was short and mine's was medium length. His skin was a light, reddish brown, while mine was a dark, golden brown and both our eyes were a dark amber.
One thing I was kinda self conscious about with my appearance was my face. In my opinion I thought I was a decent enough looking guy, so I wasn't ugly or anything. It was just growing up I would sometimes get picked on by other kids because they thought I had a girly looking face especially as a little kid. Of course I personally didn't believe that, but it still bothered me and had an impact on my self esteem. I thought I was just really cute like any other child was, and as I got older my more masculine facial features started to come in and I had a more boyish appearance, but people still saw some effeminate features in my face so I was considered a pretty boy. I didn't find it offensive if folks called me pretty, but due to the cruelty of other kids it just made feel more insecure and inferior to other boys my age who were seen as manly. I even tried working out to give myself a muscular physique but failed as I was nowhere near close to body of a gym guy or athlete.
Once I was done unpacking, I sat on my bed crossed-legged and stared around my room. The absents of my dad had changed the atmosphere of the house, but strangely I felt more at ease in my room then when I left it. I felt like I was in my own world and protected from all of the problems from the outside world. I guess I was one was one of those people who wanted to stay hidden in their room after suffering a tragedy. That wasn't a healthy thing to do; I knew this, but it's what I felt like doing right now.
I turned to the sound light tapping against the window and saw that it started to drizzle outside. I put on my earbuds as I laid on my back and pressed play on my iPod and let the music fill my ears. I stayed in my room for the remainder of the day.
—
When I awoke the next morning, I was already dreading the day since today was the day I had to return to school. Forks was a small town so all of the school probably knew about my dad, so I wasn't looking forward to the looks people would be giving me or the talking behind my back about me as if I committed some type of crime. Worse, I had to meet with the school counselor to do a check up to see how I was doing. I was already doing grief counseling so I didn't see the point in it. The entire thing was irritating me more than I already was.
I got out of bed and took a quick shower before brushing my teeth. I put on a plain white t-shirt and put on a black hoodie over it, some grey sweatpants and a pair of white and black converse. I grabbed my backpack and car keys and headed down stairs to the kitchen. I was surprised not to see my mom was not there since we usually get to see each other before I go to school, but it seems she left early for work today.
A note was on the kitchen table from my mom.
Didn't want you wake you
Breakfast is in the microwave
-Love Mom
Placing the note back on the table, I took my plate of food out of the microwave after warming it up a little and placed it on the table and then poured me a glass of orange juice before sitting back at the table to eat. She had made me the standard American breakfast with bacon, scrambled eggs, sausages, and pancakes. I didn't have much of an appetite today, or really at tall these last couple of weeks but forced myself to eat anyway.
All I could think about was my mom. I wondered how she was handling being back at work for the first time and if it was too overwhelming for her. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't be there to help if something went wrong. I practically wanted to go down to her job and beg her to come and stay home with me or just leave and go somewhere. Anyway where for all I care. I hated this feeling. This childish feeling of being upset that she wasn't here with me and feeling like I couldn't protect her. I can't lose another parent. I just wasn't strong enough to handle it.
All my worrying thoughts started to make me feel anxious, and I didn't want to spend another second in this house so I immediately stopped eating and quickly grabbed my backpack and headed to the garage to get my car which was a grey Ford Crow Victoria by parents brought me for me on my sixteenth birthday. It still had the sweet aroma of lemon from the Little Tree car fresher that hug on interior rear view mirror of the car. I made a mental note to do some cleaning inside the car as I drove my way to school.
Forks High School wasn't far away since it was just off the highway like most things in town. The school was a collection of matching buildings, built with maroon-colored bricks and surrounded by trees and shrubs and a sign next to it which had the schools name on it.
The student parking was already filled with the others kids arriving as I pulled up. I was thankful I was able to find a parking spot near the main building. I shut my car off and sat there and watched the crowd of other kids make their way into the building. My anxiousness was through the roof and my heart started to beat a little faster than usual. My body was tense with the discomfort of having to be around so many people it made me feel like I wanted to scream. I placed my head on the steering wheel as a gripped it and started to take deep breaths to calm my nerves.
I hated that this was happing to me. I just had to get through today and I would be out of here.
Finally, I just thought to myself "screw it" and got out of the car and put the hood of my hoodie over my head to hide myself and followed the crowd into the building. I mostly kept my head down but made sure not to bump into anything or anyone as I made my way to my locker. I quickly put away my backpack and grabbed my necessary books before making my way to my first class.
Being around so many people made it feel claustrophobic and I quickened my pace to get out of the sea of students in the hallway. I reached the outside and headed toward building six for my first class, which was government, when I heard my name being called. I turned to see the school guidance counselor, Mr. Barnes walking toward me. He was a middle aged white male with short salt and pepper colored hair and had a circle beard the same color as his hair.
Mr. Barnes started working at the school last year, so I've only ever said hi to him if I walked passed him in the hallway but I never had any long conversations with him.
"Hey, Max, glad I caught you," Mr. Barnes said as he approached me.
"Hey, Mr. Barnes. I was just headed to class," I replied.
"I won't keep you, I promise. I just wanted make sure you remembered you're suppose to meet me after lunch."
"Oh, yeah, I remember. I just need to let Mr. Banner know I be a little late to class."
"Don't worry about that. I've already talked to Mr. Banner about it. Just remember to come to my office after lunch, okay?"
"Yes, sir," I said.
He gave me a smile and headed back into the main building. I sighed and continued to my first class, ready for the school day to already end.
My first class was government with Mr Jefferson which I felt went by quickly. I sat in the back of the class to avoid any stares from other students and made a commitment to do so for my classes. I did get a couple looks from the other students, but I just ignored them.
My next class was trigonometry with Mr. Varner whom I disliked (who all the students disliked really) mostly because he had a tendency of occasionally acting like a jerk especially today when he called me out to take off my hood and then made get up and come in front of the whole class and solve one of the problems he had written on the blackboard which I solved easily since I was good at math. When the bell rung, I got out as quickly as I could thankful I was done with Varner's class.
The next classes I had where Spanish and English and then I headed for lunch. When I got the cafeteria, I searched the area looking for an empty table to sit at by myself which seemed almost impossible when since all of the tables looked like they were filled by other students. Thankfully, I did find an empty table in the far left corner away from everyone else and quickly made my way to it before anyone else could get to it. I hoped that by sitting by myself would give people the obvious hint I would rather be at the table alone.
I decided to skip eating, and pulled out my sketch pad along with my coloring pencils and started to draw. For some reason, I was thinking of a person but I couldn't fully make out their appearance, so I just went with whatever my instincts told me. I began at the center of the paper and started to draw face and then the body. For the background, I drew the figure standing in the middle of the road and drew forest trees on both sides of the road.
When I was finished, I stared at my drawing with a frighted expression at what I had just drawn. I had drawn a woman, but the woman on paper didn't even look like human at all. She looked extremely old and demonic. Her eyes were completely white and her face was unnaturally thin and I had colored the skin a ghostly white and made the cheeks so hallow I could see the bones. The woman was nearly bald with only some small portion of long, straight grey hair on both sides of her head and she were wearing an old black dress that looked like it was from the 1600s. The most frighting part of the drawing was she was pointing forward as if she was pointing as me directly. I didn't know who or what I've just drawn, but I noticed the road she was on was the same one where my dad died. The realization made my body quiver with fear and made the atmosphere feel ominous.
I was taken out of my thoughts when I felt something touch my shoulder. I slightly jumped and quickly turned to see Mike Newton with his hands up in surrender way. Mike was a white male with short blonde hair and blue eyes, and was baby faced. He was one of the popular kids in school. I only knew and associated with him because I worked part-time at his family's sporting good store north of town, but outside work we never really hung out.
"Whoa, sorry dude I didn't mean to scare you," Mike said apologetically.
"Oh, Mike, no it's okay you just surprised that all. What's up?" I asked.
"Yeah, so my dad wanted me to tell you if you needed some more time off it's no problem. We just hired someone who could fill in for you."
"No, that's okay I'm fine. Tell your dad I'll be in tomorrow."
"Okay, cool," Mike said. He stared to walk back to his table when he suddenly stop. He turned around started walking back toward which made me confused. Was there something he forgot to tell me?
When he approached me again, he had a look a look of sadness on his face and started to speak, "Listen, Max, about your dad… I'm really sorry. I can't imagine what you're going through. I know he meant the world to you." Mike said sympathetically.
I mentally winced at his words and was bothered by the look of pity on his face. I looked around and saw some of the other students staring which made me feel even more uncomfortable. I know it wasn't fair and Mike was just trying to be nice, but I couldn't help but be annoyed that he had brought unwanted attention my way. I wanted to stay as visible as much as possible now I had half the cafeteria looking my way. I just wanted the ground to swallow me hole.
I quietly sighed and turned to Mike and said, "Thank you, Mike. I appreciate that."
"Yeah, of course. And if you ever needed someone to talk to, or just wanted to hang out you can ask me anytime."
"I really am grateful for the offer, and I definitely take you up on it if I need too, but I really am okay," I said giving a weak smile.
"I'm glad you're doing okay. Well um..I should get back to my table. I'll see you at work tomorrow."
"Yeah, I'll see you."
Mike gave an awkward goodbye and I watched him as he headed back to his table. He was seated with Angela Weber, Ben Cheney, Bella Swan, and Edward and Alice Cullen. Edward and Alice where the ones that caught my attention the most. Both of them shared three other siblings named Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett who all graduated last year. The Cullen kids were all adopted by Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his wife and the family had moved here from Alaska three years ago back in 2003. Another thing was the Cullens were together in a romantic sense, but none of them were actually related. Alice was with Jasper while Rosalie was together with Emmett. Edward, however was dating Bella who was sitting next to him which surprised me not because she was unattractive or anything because she was actually really pretty, but the truth was Edward was way out of everyones league at this school.
The entire Cullen family looked like they came out of the paintings from the wall or ceiling of the Louvre Museum because it was shocking how a group of people could be so impossibly beautiful as they were. Edward was 6'2, had an athletic build, and an unusual shade of bronze hair which looked reddish and had the most perfect facial features to the point it was almost unreal. He was like Adonis himself.
Alice was the shortest of the Cullens standing at 4'10 and her beauty was more like a fairy that came from heaven. Her hair was in a pixie cut and was raven black and spiky. They all dressed in the most expensive clothing like they were models who just got off the runway from doing fashion week and drove the most gorgeous cars that you would only see celebrities driving.
One thing the Cullens all had in common was that they all had pale skin (which was probably because they didn't get enough sunlight) and had the most weirdest eye color which was golden like a topaz gemstone. Maybe they got gold contact lenses for the aesthetics.
Looking back at my drawing, I balled it up and quickly threw it away in the nearest trash can and started on a new drawing to kill time. I was halfway finished when I looked up and saw Edward Cullen staring at me which made me look away quickly.
Just then the school lunch bell runged and I quickly gathered my things and headed toward Mr. Barnes office which didn't take long since it was in the office of the main building right across from the principle office.
When I arrived, I was told by the office secretary, Ms. Cope, Mr. Barnes was taking an important phone call and wouldn't take long, so I took a seat in one of the chairs by the office entry and waited.
I contemplated on whether or not I should just get up and leave, but that would create more problems then solve them. As much as I didn't want to be here, I decided it was best to just get it over with and put the whole thing behind me.
I just hoped I wouldn't break down or become an emotional reck because that would not be an ideal start to my first day back in school.
I wasn't waiting long, but I still felt myself getting impatient. I inattentively picked at the hem of my hoodie as my right leg bounced eagerly with heel of my shoe tapping against the floor. I kept my eyes of the clock on the wall, counting every second with the tick of the clock.
"Max?"
I turned my head in the direction of the voice to see Mr. Barnes standing behind the office counter motioning for me to follow him. I got up from my seat and pass through the counters small swinging door and into Mr. Barnes office. His office looked like the typical school counselor office with a bookshelf filled with books on psychology, diplomas hanging on the wall and motivational posters on different topics
"So, Max," Mr Barnes started as he took a seat behind his desk. "How have you've been?"
"I'm been alright," I responded as I sat down in chair in front of his desk.
"Good. That's good to hear."
Mr. Barnes opened a file on his desk which was obviously my transcripts since I could see my name, Maximus McCall, on it and he started to review it. I didn't have anything to hide, but it made me nervous seeing someone read my records. I started to bite my lip as my right leg started to bounce anxiously again.
"No need to be nervous, Max," he said as he looked up at me. "You have nothing to worry about."
I nodded as I gave a weak, half smile.
"I see here you're a straight A student. You've never had any detentions or write ups…" Mr. Barnes sounded impressed with me as he went on.
While I didn't feel guilty about having good behavior, I still couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed. It made feel like I was a little goody two shoes who didn't do enough to have a more fun high school experience. I didn't have any close friends, I didn't go to any kind of school events, or take any type of risks. I was overall a very boring person and I started feel bad that wasted all my school years not trying hard enough to put myself out there. I shook the bad feeling off because it did no good to feel sorry for myself now. I had all of college to go crazy.
Mr. Barnes continued. "Finals and graduation are next mouth. Have you you decided which college you're going too if you're going?"
"I'm going. I've already got my acceptance letters from Dartmouth, Brown, Harvard and Columbia. I've decided on Harvard though."
His eyes lit up with excitement, "That's amazing, congratulations! You're going to major in art, I assume?"
"That's right," I replied. "When I'm done with my undergraduate studies, I'm going to get my graduate degree at Yale school of Art."
"Well, look at you," he said, smiling at me impressed. "It's really incredible how you have everything planned out out for yourself. I went to Princeton myself, so I know it what a big deal this is for you and I know you're going to go and do great things. I'm proud of you, Max."
"Thank you, Mr. Barnes," I said sheepishly.
To be honest I didn't know if I still wanted to go to college. Before my dad died, my parents had already been saving up a college fund for me which I added to when I started working at Mike's family store. I know my mom would not take no for an answer and insist I go, but I still didn't feel right leaving her here all by herself especially with my dad gone.
"Okay, now let talk about why I asked you here today." Mr. Barnes voiced turned comforting, and gentle. "I want to first start off by expressing by deepest condolences to you for the loss of your father."
And he finally got to the point after the small talk. He had that look on his face. The same look Mike gave me and others before him gave me. That look of pity that made me feel pathetic. I didn't want anyones pity or for anyone to feel sorry for me. I wasn't some poor helpless little kid that was going to break. I just wanted—no needed for people to just give me my space.
"How have you've been holding up?"
I fought the urge to roll my eyes because I getting tired of people asking how I am, but I managed to keep myself in check since I didn't want to be rude toward Mr. Barnes and decided to go along with since I was already here.
"Best as I can," I replied.
"And your mother? How has she been?"
"She's….handling it for the most part. I don't think she would want to talk about it anyway."
"Why do you say that? Has she's been upset or.." he asked confused.
"No! No, it's not like that it's just….I don't think she knows what she wants to say right now. I don't know what to say either," I replied. I regretted how I worded my previous statement and made sure to be careful with what I said going forward.
"I understand. I Imagine it must be very hard for the both of you. I do however think you and your mother should try to sit down and talk to each other eventually. It would be good for the both of you to express your feelings and grief."
"I know, I know. It's just hard to find the right words."
"There is no right or wrong way to go about it. Just be honest and say what you feel," Mr. Barnes suggested. I simply nodded.
It was silent for a second as Mr. Barnes started to straitened the papers on his desk and then I unthinkingly started to speak, "I could hear her cry at night when we were at my aunt's in Georgia." He looked at me confused as I spoke. "I don't need to hear her speak to know how devastated she is. It's written all over her face. My mom has always been someone who likes to take care of everything and everyone, and I think a part of her is angry she can't fix a situation like this or make it any better. Like she feels she can't take care of me, or herself."
"Is that how you feel?"
I nodded my head no, "She's always trying carry so much on her shoulders, when she shouldn't have to. I just wish she wasn't so hard on herself."
"Don't you think it's fair to say the same for you?" he asked.
I chortled at my own irony, surprised I gave a genuine laugh since my dad passed away. I knew he was right, but I cared more about my mom's well being than my own.
"What's your relationship with your parents like? Before the accident."
I shrugged, "It was fine. I'm an only child, so I always had my parents love and attention to myself. We'd joke around with each other. I'd go hiking with my mom and we'd take pictures of our surroundings, or I'd go fishing with my dad. I hardly got in trouble, but they scold me when I deserved it, but regardless of of my wrongs my parents loved me. My parents were my best friends...damn"—I cringed when I said the last part—"sorry, I just sounded really lame just now."
"No, don't apologize. It's good that your close with your parents," Mr Barnes assured me, smiling.
"Thanks. It's mostly been quit between us now considering the circumstance. We're both trying to avoid talking about it. Too painful I guess."
"That's understandable. Grief is hard to talk about, but as I said before it would be good to sit down your mother and have a conversation. It doesn't have to be today, or tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, just try to find a time your comfortable with because you and your mother are going to need to each other to lean on."
I nodded in understanding. I guess if conversation was going to happened then it should be me to reach out first, but it racked my brain thinking about how I would even start one. How would my mom even react if I brought it up? What if she wasn't ready to talk about it and I upset her, or worse made her sad and she started crying? I didn't want either to happen, but we had to get back to some normalcy. I just didn't know how to get there.
"Are there other members of your family who you've tried talking too?" Mr. Barnes asked.
"Not since the accident," I replied. "Outside of therapy, I've mostly been keeping to myself."
"Well, what about one of your peers?"
I chuckled which made him looked confused.
"Sorry, Mr. Barnes I wasn't laughing at you, but more at myself. I uh...I don't really have any friends here so…" I lowered my head a little to hide the embarrassment from my face.
"Why not? Are you having any problems with the other kids?"
"It's nothing that like that it's just….I...I don't really connect with anyone in school. It's nothing personal against anyone I just…..I don't know," I said as I shrugged.
He started at me for a second before pulling out a flyer from his drawer and handed it to me. I looked at the flyer curiously wondering why exactly he was giving this to me.
"Um...Mr. Barnes what is this?" I asked.
"It's for an art group in town. I figured you would be interested in it since you love art, so I grabbed one just in case," he replied.
"That's weird, why didn't I know about this?"
"The flyers started going around when you were away, so the whole thing is new. I know it's short notice and you graduate soon, but I really do think you should give it chance."
I was unsure, but it didn't actually sound like a bad idea at all. Maybe, I really needed to just step out my comfort zone and stop letting my introverted personality hold me back. I would be around people who had the same interest as me, and it would be good to get involved in something that could help me.
"Thanks, Mr. Barnes. I think I will check this out when I get the chance."
Mr. Barnes smiled, pleased with my decision, "I'm glad to hear that. I know it's a bit intimating to put yourself out there to meet new people, but I promise you it will be worth it. Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend."
I hoped he was right. I was going to be around all types of people and have my own roommate in college soon, so this group would be a good starting point for me to work on my social skills.
Mr. Barnes suddenly looked hesitate which made me feel nervous.
"Max, there's something I wanted to ask and if you don't want to answer it you do not have too, okay?"
I raised an eyebrow, "Okay?"
"If you don't mind my asking, is there anything you remember from the accident?"
The question made me feel uneasy and my breath caught in my throat. I had been asked this question already, and it just seemed redundant at this point. There where bits and pieces of my memory that I felt like where coming back to me, but every time I tried to put everything together I was struck with a mental block. The pieces where all there, but I just couldn't break through the block.
I started to fidget with my hands and chew on lip as my body got more tense from anxiety creeping up on me. I tried to speak, but no words came out. I didn't want to talk about this. It was all too much. So I remained silent.
"Max, it's okay," Mr Barnes said soothingly. "It's okay, you don't have to talk about it."
I was appreciative of that. I wiped my eyes as I could feel them water, thankful no tears came out.
I hated I had gotten emotional. I didn't want anyone to see me like this, especially not my school guidance counselor. I felt like my whole life fell apart and there was nothing I could do about it. Why did this have to happen to me? Why did my dad have to die? Why couldn't just remember what happened that day?
"Can you do something for me?" he asked?
I nodded as I cleared my throat.
"I want you to tell me I memory of your dad that you're fond of."
"Why?" I asked confused.
"Just trust me, Max, please."
I sighed and started to search my memory for something that stood out, but I had many great memories of both my parents so it was hard to pick a specific one. I looked to Mr. Barnes to see if he would say anything, but he stayed silent. He looked at me intently with compassionate and allowed me to take my time.
I was getting frustrated with myself thinking way to hard about this when one particular memory came to mind.
"When I was a kid, my parents used to take down to La Push beach a lot. Going to the beach was the best thing ever to me as a kid so much I would literally beg my parents to take me all the time. One thing I always wanted to do was learn to surf since I saw kids my age doing it. I was so jealous of them, so I convinced my dad to teach me since knew how so one summer when I was six my dad took me to the beach for my first lesson," I explained.
I still remember it like it happened yesterday. A six year old me was excitedly running on the beach with my surf board to the ocean as the warmth of the sun kissed my skin and the sand caught in between my toes. I saw some other Forks locals surfing which made me even more excited.
Continuing my story I said, "We started off with slow-rolling waves close to the shore and made our way up as I got the hang of it more. We went out a little further, but not to far to catch a wave that was little bigger because I felt like I was ready for it. When I stood up on my board to ride the wave, I lost my footing and slipped off my board and got hit by the wave. I swear I thought my dad was going to have a heart attack."
Thankfully, the wave wasn't a major one and I wasn't hurt badly, but it did make me feel a little woozy getting spun underwater. It felt like I went through a washing machine for a second.
"When my dad got me back to the shore, I didn't notice at first because I to busy coughing out the water from my throat, but when I turned to him his head was covered in kelp from when he dove in water to save me. He looked so ridiculous we both just laughed our heads off. He pretended to be Swamp Thing while I acted like a Power Ranger that was suppose to defeat him. We had a lot of fun that day." I chuckled at the memory as a smile crept up on my face.
I didn't know why I thought of that particular moment. It wasn't anything of major significance, but it made feel better. More...happy? Maybe that was the point. It didn't matter how big or small the moment was, it brought me some sense of happiness thinking about my dad as he was before the accident.
"You see that," Mr. Barnes said. He was smiling at me. "Hold on to that. Let all the good things you had with your dad stay with you. You don't have to try to erase your pain, but don't let yourself drown in it. You don't deserve that. I know you've probably already heard this, so I know it's hard, but it will get better for you. I promise."
I could feel the sincerity of his words. It wouldn't be easy to heal from grief, but I hoped this was a start.
"Thank you, Mr. Barnes. Really," I said.
"You're welcome," he replied. "Well, I think that just about wraps up our meeting. You seem to be healing in your own way just fine, but as I said before, you should find some time to talk with your mother so you two can be a support system for one another. Also, I recommend you trying to make some friends among your peers or some folks in that art group. It may seem like a waste of time, but I think it would be good for you to have other people you can lean on. Other than that, you seem to be adjusting best as you can."
I nodded in agreement as a stood up from my chair and held my hand out. "Thank you again, Mr. Barnes."
"Absolutely, thank you for talking with me and being so honest," he replied as he shook my hand. "If you ever feel like you need to talk again, my door is always open."
I nodded and headed toward the door and as a I grabbed the doorknob I stopped and turned back to Mr. Barnes.
"Can I ask you a question, Mr Barnes?" I asked.
"Of course."
"Do you think I should leave? For college I mean?"
He looked taken back by my question. "Why do you ask that? Do you not want to go?"
"I just...I don't know if I should leave my mom here alone you know?"
"Oh, I see." He realized what I meant now. "Well, to be honest Max I don't think I have an answer for you there. The only thing I can tell you is to follow what your heart tells you. As cliche as that sounds, it's the truth. You'll know what to do when the time is right."
"I guess. Anyway, thank you again."
"Anytime, you enjoy the rest of your day."
With that I left Mr. Barnes office closing the door behind me.
The truth was me leaving wasn't just about my mom. I think a part of me was scared of going out into the world on my own and was just using her as an excuse. It also the reason why—no, I didn't want to think about that right now so I'm not going to. I'm leaving Mr. Barnes office in a slightly better mood than I did earlier and I wanted to keep it that way.
Just then I had an idea. I quickly made my way to Mr Banner's biology II class ready for the day to end to pursue what I had planned.
The final school bell rung when my last class Gym was over, and I immediately made my way to my car. As I entered my car, I look across the parking lot to see Edward staring at me again as his girlfriend Bella got into the passenger seat of his black Volvo. Did he have some type of issue with me? This was the second time he starting at me today and it was making me more annoyed than unconformable.
I sighed and decided to ignore him and started up the car engine and pulled out of the school parking lot and drove off to the Indian reservation of La Push.
—
The drive from Forks to La Push beach took only twenty-three minutes. As I drove, I took in the sight of the beautiful, dense evergreen colored forest that edge the roads that I haven't seen since I was a child. The weather had gotten balmy, so I rolled my window down and let my face bathe in the warmth of the sunlight that seeped through the gaps of the clouds.
When I reached La Push, I became immediately familiar with the long, crescent shape of First Beach that came into view. The beaches water was a deep gray that crashed against the thin layer of sand on the rocky shore which had an array stones in a variety of colors from copper, sea foam green, lilic, and blue gray. In the not so far distance you could see the islands rise from the sea with their steep cliff edges and uneven shapes with the firs that lay on top of them.
Large driftwood trees lay untidily on the beaches tide line while thinner branches piled together against the vegetation line and forest fridge. There were a range of lodges that where apart of the The Oceanside Resort that went along First Beach and the beach's most prominent natural vegetation the Sitka, spruce, and evergreen trees that populate the shore. La Push was just was magnificent as I remembered it.
The sun had moved from the cover of the clouds by the time I parked my car with it now it shining brightly in the vast blue sky making it the perfect sunny weather. It was slight windy as I made my way down to the beach, but the breeze felt good against my skin. On the beach, there were two men who looked like forks locals tossing a frisbee back and forth to each other not to far from me while further down the beach a women who looked like she was in her early twenties was takings photos of different parts of the beach.
What caught my attention was there were three individuals in the water sitting on surfboards in between there legs cheering on another person who was riding the barrel of a big wave. I went to where the surfers where, but kept my distance so they wouldn't catch me watching them and I sat on the truck of a smaller nearby driftwood tree as I observed them from afar.
One by one, each of them took turns riding the waves which looked liked a friendly competition between friends to see who was the better surfer. I smiled to myself watching the display of joy coming from the group that reminded me of the good times with my dad at this beach. Taking Mr. Barnes advice on holding on to good memories of my dad brought me comfort being here. Anyone who has went through grief has had something or someone that help them through it, so maybe me finding solace here was the key. If that was the case, I had to help my mother find hers. I wouldn't let her drown in sorrow as I got better.
Just then, the group of surfers made there way back on to the shore to their towels laying on the sand as they laughed and conversed with each other. They were all really good at surfing and I wondered if they would help me pick up surfing again if I asked them. It would be out of character for me to go up to anyone asking them to help me with a sport, but if doing something I used to do with my dad could help me I wanted to take that chance.
As I was about to introduce myself, I heard my stomach growling not realizing how famished I felt and I instantly regretted not eating anything earlier. I looked at the time on my phone and was surprised to see I had been watching strangers surf for more than an hour since I got here. Introductions would have to wait because I had to get me something to eat.
There was a convenience store called Lonesome Creek Store nearby within walking distance and didn't take long to get to. The store still looked the same as I remembered it. A beige building that had a picture of five different animals related to Quileute culture under the stores name and along with their names under them in Quileute language.
I knew what I had a craving for as I entered the store. I grabbed a bottle of kiwi strawberry Everfresh and some snacks which included a pack of m&m, sour punches, and a small bag of cool ranch Doritos. I followed the delicious scent of pepperoni pizza that was being warmed in a mini holding cabinets. I grabbed a slice and placed it in a triangle shaped container and headed to the registrar to pay for my items.
I heard the rumbling sound of a motorcycle pulling up outside but I ignored it as I gave the cashier my money. I grabbed my items and exited the store to see a man getting of a black Harley-Davidson Sportster as he turned off it's engine. My eyes widened a little at how huge he was. He was practically like a giant standing at 6'7 and was muscled like he worked out at the gym twenty-four seven but he wasn't overly muscular. His skin was a sepia, reddish brown which made it obvious he was a Quileute native and he had short, jet black hair and had dark brown eyes.
When the man turned his head toward me and his eyes met mine and he froze in placed suddenly something happened that made me do the same. I couldn't explain it, but it felt there was a gravitational force that was making me drawn to this person and we were somehow connecting with each other. The drawing force was so intense it made me feel euphoric, but scared me at the same time as I didn't know these feelings where coming from. What in the world was happening to me right now?
I didn't know how, but I could feel this guy was feeling the same way I was toward me as I was toward him. He stared at me as if he was a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. It felt emotionally intimate.
I was so distracted by his height I realized I didn't really pay attention to how nice his features were. The first thing I noticed was his face didn't match his body at all. From afar, anyone would think he was in his late twenties or early thirties, but he had a very youthful, pretty face that looked like a nineteen year old college student. Second, were his eyes. The deep shade of them reminded me of the warm brown of the Autumn season which left me mesmerized. Lastly, was his physique which looked like it was made by greek gods. I admired how his black short sleeved shirt exposed his big biceps and hugged his body showing just how chiseled his chest was. The sunlight was giving his skin a golden glow that showed just how nice and smooth it was. I didn't think I would see anyone who looked like this other ten the Cullens. He was absolutely beautiful.
My cheeks started to flush and the butterflies in my stomach were so strong I forget I was hungry. I could not believe I was actually having these type of feelings toward a random stranger. Suddenly, that strong force just vanished and I stumbled back a little as if someone lightly shoved me and completely stunned at what just took place. I immediately made a beeline for my car moving as quickly as I could and I heard the sound of a motorcycle roaring to life, but I didn't dare look back to see what he was doing. I heard motorcycle go in the opposite direction with the sound of it fading away as it got away further which made me relieved he did decide not follow me.
I started up my engine as fast as I could as I got in my car and drove out of La Push and back to Forks. I almost felt like I was about cry because I was so embarrassed about the strong affections that came out of nowhere for someone I didn't know. I started to notice my sexuality was different from other boys when I started my freshman year of high school and thought one of the other boys I had gym class with was cute. I still liked girls, but I also had feelings for guys as well so it wasn't just strictly guys and girls and I wasn't bisexual. I did some research and discovered I was more of a pansexual since I didn't have a preference for a certain gender or sexuality in romantic partner.
My sexuality was also another reason I distanced myself from making friends. I had never personally experienced anything homophobic, however boys my age are dumb and ignorant and say stupid things like casually throwing around the f-slur like a warm greeting or calling each other gay while all in a joking manner still made me cringe and not want put myself in those situations. The world was already cruel and I lived in a small town and didn't want to take my chance at getting harmed by some raging homophobe if they found out about me so I didn't confided in anyone about it, not even my parents even though I know they would love and support me no matter what. I was already a friendless loser who damaged by the lose of his father. I didn't want to add being the towns queer on top of it and my mom was already going through a lot I didn't want to put her through my personal problems as well.
Going to the beach was suppose to be my safe place that was going to help me with my grief, but now all that was ruined because of that stranger. I knew it was wrong to blame him since he didn't do anything, but I couldn't help but feel a little upset with him because now it seems like I couldn't go back to the place were I had my happiest times with my dad again without running into him again and having my feelings all messed up, but I had an odd feeling this would not be the last time I saw that man. I would see him again one way or another whether I liked it or not.