A/N: Eddie Valiant gets a case a few years after the events of the 1988 film "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"

Daffy's Finest Hour

"On this day of June 16, 1950, the case of Acme Corporation Inc Ltd LLC versus Wile E Coyote will be heard in Toontown High Court. The Honorable Foghorn Leghorn presiding - all rise please," the short Martian announced to the packed courtroom. Seeing a few people in the gallery still seated, the bailiff added "Those who refuse to rise will be disintegrated," while pulling out a ray gun. The stragglers quickly rose, some even floating in the air just to be safe.

A large rooster walked into the courtroom from a side door, huffing and puffing a little. "I say, I say, remind me to work in a lower court next time – climbing fifty flights of stairs ain't no way to start a man's day. Y'all sit before you make me even more tired." The judge plopped into his chair and the rest of the courtroom plopped down in a similar fashion. A bench in the rear of the gallery fell backward as its occupants sudden sitting caused it to tip backwards. The judge ignored it – it was typical toon behavior whether in a courtroom or not, and he ignored the few humans among them. He looked over a few papers that were sitting at his desk. "Who are the attorneys in the case?"

A duck in a business jacket and sailor's cap stood. "Representing Acme Corporation Inc Ltd LLC, Donald Duck Esquire, your honor," he said in a higher-pitched voice that sounded like he was talking while being gently strangled. His words were difficult but not impossible to make out.

"Thank you. What does LLC stand for?" the judge asked.

"Lotsa Lame Creations, your honor," he said before sitting again.

"I see. And who we got for the defense now?"

Another duck stood, this one wearing only a bow tie. "Me, your honorific," the duck declared with a lisp like his tongue was stuck between his lips - if he had lips, that is. Even with that, he was a little more understandable than the other lawyer even if he did require more paper towels to clean up after he spoke. "Representing Mr. Coyote, Daffy Duck Square."

"Square?"

"Sure! It's hip to be one, you know? But I'm a real lawyer – they just made a typo when they got to the esquire part. I've got the sheepskin and the sheep it came with to prove it. Wanna see?"

The judge shook his head. "That won't be necessary, son." Daffy made a quick motion with his thumb and a dejected sheep left the courtroom. The now sheepless lawyer sat down.

"Now Mr. Duck…"

"Yes?" both lawyers said simultaneously.

"Sorry. Mr. D. Duck…"

"Yes?" both lawyers repeated again.

"Well tarnation, that ain't gonna work either," the judge exclaimed. "Listen here – for purposes of this here case and my sanity, we will dispense with decorum on names. I will refer to you as the plaintiffs or Donald …" the judge said pointing to counsel for the plaintiff "… and unless I come up with names even worse for the both of ya, you sir are the defense or Daffy," he finished while pointing at counsel for the defense.

"That's what everyone keeps telling me," Daffy agreed. The gallery roared with laughter.

"Order in the court you miscreants!" the judge yelled as he banged the gavel on the sounding block, which squeaked with each blow. The gallery erupted in chaos for a few minutes as they attempted to order themselves by height until things finally settled down with the shorter audience members in front.

"Ah never saw anything like this at Jackson Law School. Donald, representing the plaintiff, you may present your opening-type statement first."

"Thank you, your honor." The lawyer stood and, while holding the lapels of his jacket, began the case. "My client, the esteemed and well-thought of company owner Marvin Acme Jr, feels as though he has incurred harm by the reputation of his family business being tarnished by the defendant. It is their opinion that the good name of Acme has been besmirched as a result of the negative publicity derived from the defendant and is asking for a compensation of one zillion dollars for the economic and emotional harm it has caused him." Donald sat down. At his desk beside him, the owner of Acme Corporation Inc Ltd LLC sat stiffly with a facial expression that was meant to imply proud defiance and great hurt but came off more as suffering from indigestion from lunch. He also happened to be flesh and blood, but it wasn't held against him.

"Thank you, counsel. Daffy?"

"Thank you, your honorness. I ask you – Does Wile E Coyote look capable of harming such a large and powerful company like Acme?" he asked as he pointed to the coyote beside him. Scrawny with a few patches of fur missing, a torn ear and his left arm in a sling, the creature looked as pathetic as an earthworm in a snake pit.

Even the judge was taken aback when he looked at the defendant for the first time. "What does, I say what does the 'E' stand for – emaciated?"

"My client lives in the southwest where food isn't as abundant as it is here," Daffy went on to explain. "What little food can be found tends to be hard to get, and as you can see my client needs all the help he can get. In these deplorable conditions, he uses Acme products to help him survive. Just look at what the last use of their products has done to him." The coyote sagged a little more in his chair and gave out a little whine while his stomach growled.

"Objection!" Donald piped up. "There has been no established connection between use of our products and the condition of this pathetic…er, I mean particular individual. Furthermore, as a cartoon he will revert to his normal condition at the start of the next feature."

"May I introduce Exhibit A?" Daffy asked. He produced a picture from a stack of papers on his desk and handed it to Donald. "This is my client's normal condition."

"Oh my," Donald said as he looked at the photo and shuddered slightly.

"May I see that?" the judge asked. Upon seeing the picture that showed the coyote uninjured but STILL as gaunt as a stick, the judge handed it to the bailiff who immediately had it snatched out his hand by a very fast mouse who ran back to the gallery and shared it with the toons there. "Objection overruled. Apart from the injuries, the description of the defendant as needing help to get food seems to be accurate. That boy could use a good pot roast, and ya better double up on those potatoes, son. Very well, the plaintiffs may call their first witness."

"I call Marvin Acme Jr. to the stand." The owner and president of Acme Corporation Inc Ltd LLC stood up and approached the witness stand. As he sat down, the gate to the box snapped shut and quivered. It may have even let out a faint, evil laugh. "State your name for the record," Donald asked.

The witness picked up a phonograph record and said "Marvin Acme Jr." to it, enunciating very carefully. The record was taken and placed on a nearby phonograph and played, which repeated the name in song but by a scratchy tenor that sounded suspiciously like Rudy Vallėe. The record then got bored and started playing some jazz music until the bailiff disintegrated it with his ray gun.

"Tell me Mr. Acme, do you hold any grudges or have had any arguments with the defendant?"

"No."

"Have you even MET him?"

"No, I don't think so. I'd remember meeting something…er, someone like that."

"Objection!" Daffy shouted.

"On what grounds?" the judge asked.

"I don't know. It just sounded a little mean to me, that's all."

"Overruled. Continue."

"Okay, it was slanderous then."

"No, I meant counselor Donald may continue. You be quiet, you hear?"

Daffy held his beak shut while Donald continued. "Tell us about your company, Mr. Acme."

Marvin looked at the judge. "My company sells a wide variety of the finest quality products designed specifically to help with a wide range of consumer needs in the fast-changing world that we live in, with particular emphasis on newly emerging technology combined with proven, older means to achieve our client's goals and stuff like that." Marvin gasped afterwards, and then quickly recovered.

"I think next time you need to take a deeper gulp of air before reading off that pamphlet in your hand," the judge remarked.

"The point is, my client has built a company that sells products to consumers all over the world," Donald went on. "He's an executive – he doesn't have contact with his many customers. His company creates products which then are offered for sale. It doesn't force anyone to buy them." The lawyer was starting to get agitated. "It's not our responsibility to determine whether this thing helps that problem, and we're certainly in no position to stand by to make sure they use it properly." He was certainly worked up now, which only raised his voice higher as his face got redder and a small flame started to emit from the top of his head. "Then some fool comes along…"

Daffy started to object but was interrupted by a member of the gallery. A tall, goofy-looking dog ran up with a fire hose and sprayed down Donald for a few seconds as steam rose. After the torrent the lawyer shook his head violently to fling off the water. "Thanks, I needed that."

"Yuk yuk, anytime old friend," the dog said as he dragged the hose back to his seat. The hose caught the tail of a blue donkey and almost removed the single tack that held it onto the creature.

He swung the tail and found it still held. "It'll probably come off next time anyway," he noted mournfully.

"I wonder if court cases take honey breaks," a bear seated beside him pondered out loud while rubbing his belly.

The hose also dragged across the shoes of a short, black-haired girl. "Watch what you're doing, you blockhead!"

Meanwhile, Donald had finished with the witness. "It's high time you cross examine this here fella," the judge directed Daffy.

"Thank you. Mr. Acme, you certainly care a great deal about your business, don't you?"

"I certainly do," Marvin agreed. "It's my reputation, and a reputation is what a person is known for."

"I think that goes without saying, but since you already did I won't repeat it. You mentioned new technology. When was the last time Acme introduced a new product?"

"I'm not sure."

"Isn't it true that Acme hasn't introduced a new product since the murder of Marvin Acme, Sr. over two years ago? I would like to introduce Exhibit 2..."

"B," the judge corrected. "Stick with letters. You start with 'em, you stick with 'em."

"What if I have more than 26 exhibits?"

"Do you?"

"No."

"How many do you have?"

"I think I have 'E' of them."

"Back to Exhibit B, counselor, before I find you contemptible..."

Daffy paused to pick up his train of thought but it had run down the track on its way out of the courtroom already. "Nevermind, I don't feel like it now. Okay, actually I forgot where I was going with that. If I think of it later I'll let you know." Daffy started back to his desk when he stopped, thrust his hand up in the air and snapped his fingers. "Now I remember!" An almost entirely black cat with an agile tail and a yellow bag raced up and opened the bag and pulled out a foot-long sandwich.

"Is that your Exhibit 2...ah mean, B?" the judge asked.

"No, it's my lunch." Daffy took the sandwich and swallowed it whole before smacking his not-lips. He then reached into the cat's bag and pulled out a huge shape many times the size of the bag - a pyramid-shaped weight with '16 tons' printed on the side. "THIS is Exhibit B," he declared and he set it on the floor with a grunt and a thud that shook the building. "Do you recognize this object, Mr. Acme?"

"Sure. It's our 16-ton weight, perfect for parties, booby traps, submarine ballast and walnut cracker. It's been a best seller for decades."

"What would you say if I told you I had it officially weighed and it only weighs 15-tons? So much for your so-called high-quality merchandise. How would Joe Public feel if he bought one of these babies only to find out that he ... was ... getting ... cheated?" Daffy asked as he handed an official weight certificate to the judge.

The judge read the paperwork, examined the weight and handed it to Donald. "Looks like your client is a little short, councilor."

"What's wrong with being short?" a voice from the gallery shouted and Baby Herman shook his cigar in anger. The bailiff blasted the cigar to ashes and the actor broke down into sobs from the loss of his smoke.

"It musta been a quality control issue," Acme sputtered. "You know, in the factory. I didn't make it myself."

"Of course not. Never said you did. Never even crossed my mind. No more questions your honor," Daffy said as he returned to his table. The judge dismissed Acme and invited Donald to call his next witness.

"I call to the stand Mr. Bluto Mass."

A huge man with beard and rippling muscles ambled up to the front of the court. With one hand he moved the weight to one side and continued up to squeeze into the witness box.

"State your name, please," Donald requested.

"Bluto Mass," the witness answered in a deep growling voice. "M-A-S ... er ... S."

"What is it you do?"

"You know, a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I'm pretty strong so I can be handy in lots of places. Ships. The circus. Lumberjacking. Picking up cows on the farm. You know," he answered with a shrug.

"Do you know Mr. Acme?"

"Never met 'em."

"How about the defendant."

"Him I seen. Saw him in the movies. Things are always going wrong with him," Bluto volunteered. "He's has more accidents than Roger Rabbit." The audience laughed - to be more accident prone than Roger Rabbit was quite the accomplishment.

"Why do you think that is?" Donald asked.

"Objection," Daffy interjected. "The answer calls for speculation by the witness."

"Your honor, I'm not trying to use the questioning to determine anything about the quality of Acme products or whether the actions of the defendant led to their failure. I simply am determining the influence it had on a viewer and consumer."

"I'll allow it," the judge agreed. "You may answer the question, Mr. Mass."

"I seen these movies with that coyote in 'em. He's always gettin' hurt and losing because of them Acme products. I ain't never gonna buy any of them, and if my bosses or my friends ask I'm gonna tell them the same thing."

"I think that pretty well sums up what the general public feels, your honor," Donald went on. "By making these movies showing isolated and exaggerated incidents involving rare failures of my client's products, he is tainting the reputation of the Acme Company Inc Ltd LLC and causing the harm I summarized in my opening statement. No more questions." Donald took his seat and Daffy stepped up and stared at Bluto. For a solid minute he just looked at the man as Bluto started to sweat slightly and squirm a little. Daffy checked his watch and cleared his throat. Bluto tried to pull his collar down to gulp. Daffy pointed his finger at the witness but withdrew it. Behind him, the rear door of the courtroom opened and footsteps of someone approaching became louder. Daffy grinned and turned as the gallery gasped at the man who walked toward the front of the courtroom.

A few audience members murmured among themselves. It was Eddie Valiant. The man. The myth. The legend.

"The private investigator," Daffy added out loud. He quickly turned to Bluto. "I'll be right back," he whispered before greeting Eddie. "Hi Eddie. Do you get what I wanted?"

"It was just like you said, Daffy." He handed a large manila envelope to Daffy. "It's all there."

"Thanks, Eddie. You're a real lifesaver. Here," he said as he handed Eddie a roll of hard candies with a hole in the middle.

"Gee, these are the fruity ones. Do you need me to stick around?"

"Have a seat at my desk. If you find a pineapple one, save it for me." Daffy turned and slowly walked back to stand in front of Bluto again. He opened the envelope and flipped through a stack of pictures. "Hmm. Um hum. Yup. Oh, that's a good one. Oh, I'm sorry your honor - maybe I need to introduce my associate ... Mister ... Eddie ... Valiant!" Suddenly spotlights and colored strobes lit the private investigator from above while the gallery applauded. The lights quickly returned to normal.

"No, Mr. Valiant's reputation precedes him. His ridding Los Angeles and Toontown of Judge Doom will forever put us in his debt. You may, I say you may continue," the judge said.

"Thank you. Say Mr. Mass, care to tell me what THIS is?!" he asked as he thrust a picture toward Bluto.

Bluto looked at it and whistled. "That's a picture of Jessica Rabbit. She's one hot dame. A real sireeen."

"I agree. I was just messing with you. I saved the real kicker for my Exhibit C. Here's something that is a lot more icribin ... imcrin ... it looks pretty bad for you. Tell me, can you identify the people in this picture?" He pulled out another photo and thrust it into Bluto's face.

He shrunk from the photo but couldn't take his eyes off of it. "That's me. How did you ..."

Daffy handed the picture to the judge. "I think you'll find Mr. Bluto Mass in that picture. The man handing Mr. Mass a whole armload of smackeroos is none other than our own Marvin Acme, Jr. Gee, it even looks like your office, Mr. Acme. Oh, in fact you can even read your name on the door in the background. emcA nivraM. That's you." The judge handed the photo to Donald, who sat heavily in his chair as the case started to unravel.

"I'd like to excuse Mr. Mass and recall Marvin Acme Jr. to the stand," Daffy continued.

Acme retook the stand. "I'd like you to remember that you are still under oath, so no fibs, son," the judge warned.

Daffy approached the stand, taking the photo from the stunned Donald and giving it to Acme. "Care to explain what was happening? Is it possible you were paying off somebody to say they were affected by watching the movies when in fact they haven't even seen any of them?"

"Maybe I was just paying the man for some ... yard work that he did for me. Yeah, maybe that was it."

"Isn't it true that you live in a sky rise penthouse, Mr. Acme? Isn't it true you have no yard? Isn't it true that you've been slowly running your father's business into the ground and you needed a lawsuit to cover your losses? Why not? Isn't it true that if you win, you collect from the studio and if you lose, you use the bad publicity as a scapegoat. Isn't it true that the Earth is the third planet from the Sun? Oh, there's one thing I guess I should mention. I have here..." he continued after counting on his fingers "...Exhibit D - the standard disclaimer found at the end of every movie since Edison." He held up a short segment of film and with a magnifying glass read from one of the cells. "Allow me to quote:

The story, all names, characters and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings and products is intended or should be inferred.

That means that anything shown in the film is protected from your lawsuit. In actuality, it wasn't real. The stunts were staged. The products were fine. Mr. Coyote is an excellent actor - he's just a lousy stuntman. Ipso facto, your case has no merit. Your honor, I move that this case be dismissed." Daffy left the film segment of the movie along with the magnifying glass with the judge and returned to his table and waited calmly.

The judge studied the film and held it up for the bailiff to hand to the plaintiff. The bailiff, misunderstanding, disintegrated the length of film - fortunately, a few cells remained, and these were handed over. "I do declare, a short recess is in order. If you'll excuse me..." the judge said as he stood up and went to his chambers. The gallery was left buzzing with excitement, although the buzzing got considerably quieter when several bees were escorted out. After ten minutes the judge returned. "This court finds the defendant Mr. Coyote not liable for damages. Case dismissed. Y'all can git home now, the show's over. I got me a purdy hen to court."

Everybody filed out of the courtroom and shortly after Eddie and Daffy found themselves in the men's room. Eddie checked all the stalls to make sure no one else was present. "All clear. I don't think anyone suspected a thing."

Daffy reached behind his back and pulled a zipper. It separated and continued to unzip over his head to reveal a human inside the cartoon body, broad-shouldered and serious. "In all the trials I've been in, I never thought in a million years that would ever work."

Eddie chuckled. "Probably because no one ever thought of it before. By the way, I thought you acted just crazy enough to pull off the Daffy Duck thing - people will talk about this as Daffy's finest hour for years to come. I kept thinking back about how Judge Doom had been a cartoon inside a human suit – I always wondered if someone could do it the other way around. Oh, and that was a nice touch hiring Bluto's twin brother Brutus to stage that photo."

"I made the assumption that Bluto and Acme were in cahoots, so it seemed natural that they would react that way even if it wasn't completely accurate. Always keep your opponent off-guard, whether it's in sports, the courtroom or even trying to catch dinner. Now if you'll excuse me, my secretary and my friend are waiting for me in a car down below."

"Thanks for the help again, Perry."

"You're welcome. I just love that coyote. I always route for the underdog." The lawyer handed the duck suit to Eddie, shook hands and turned to go. Perry Mason opened the window and jumped out, dropping down the fifty floors to land in the back seat of a waiting convertible with Paul Drake behind the wheel and Della Street in the passenger seat. "Let's get out of Toontown and back to Los Angeles – this place can make you a little daffy," he said as the car sped away.

The End

A/N: This started out as a different story entirely but changed as I prepared to write. I wanted to have a trial where the coyote sues Acme for faulty products, but a quick summary scan in the Loony Tunes category found a couple of those already. Then I decided to put him on the defendant side instead to differentiate my story from the others.

For the record, I forgot what I was going to write next at one point and that is where Daffy says HE forgot. I STILL don't remember where I was going at that moment, so I had to make up the Felix the Cat cameo with the sandwich and the weight.

I was also going to tie in with the real-world cases pending of people getting sued for leaving bad reviews, no matter how truthfully based – but that was just a little too heavy for the characters. I took the movie disclaimer from an actual movie ("After Hours" if you must know) to use as the final argument. It was about halfway through writing the story that I got the sudden idea to use the bodysuit gimmick from Judge Doom in reverse and at that point I wanted a really famous fictional attorney that was around at that time to use – hence Perry Mason. All the other characters were in that time period, and I didn't want to bring in a lawyer from modern times like someone from John Grisham's works.

And just like Daffy, I ain't no lawyer!

As a bonus, Bluto really DOES have a twin brother Brutus. It was a retcon used later to explain why the names were interchanged during different eras of the Popeye cartoons.