Speedrun
"Alright, we've been here for too long," Lego commented as he, Captain Price, Gregori Weaver, and Alucard from Hellsing killed Zombies at Omega Outpost 25 to earn enough points to progress with the map.
"We've been here for five minutes!" Alucard shouted.
"Yeah, and Black Ops 6 is out," Lego remarked, lowering his weapon.
"What?" Weaver questioned. "You were just blabbing about Modern Warfare Zombies!"
"Yeah, and look where that got us," Lego said. "We're already in Season 1 for Black Ops 6 as well! We're speedrunning now."
"Speedrunning?" Price and Weaver questioned.
"I can run pretty fast!" Alucard shouted.
"No, we're gonna just quickly skip to the boss fights," Lego replied. "So, from the top."
"I'm sorry, what are you going on about?" Weaver asked, before suddenly a purple beam fired from the sky and onto a dome.
Out walked a woman with a katana on her hip, a rifle, and a helmet on her head. "What the hell?" The woman questioned, having a German accent.
"Sam?" Weaver questioned, surprised.
"I'm sorry, what happened to the Easter Egg steps?" Alucard asked. "You said we'd be ripping someone's eye out for a Wonder Weapon!"
Lego looked at the vampire and said, "If you want to bitch about that, here, have a look at this Ray Gun." Lego then pulled out the COD Zombies Ray Gun… except it was blue instead of red.
"I thought Ray Guns were red?" Captain Price asked.
"That's how dated this side show became," Lego said, fake tears running down his face. "There are Wonder Weapon skins now in Call of Duty…"
As the four soldiers looked at Lego for a moment, Weaver, while holding Samantha Maxis, said, "Let's just get out of here then."
After running through a portal back to the main town where Ravenov was, Ravenov pulled up to them in a roof-less jeep and asked, "How the hell did you get her out so fast?"
"Bullshit," Lego said as he pulled out a minigun.
"Is that a Death Machine?" Price asked, before suddenly a giant emerged from the ground on the road, consisting of rotting flesh and human remains, notably without a head and a cavern where the neck would likely be.
"Yes," Lego answered as he revved up the minigun. "And that is an Orda."
"The fuck is an Orda?!" Ravenov questioned, alarmed by the giant that appeared.
"Orda deez NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTS!" Lego shouted as he shot the Orda up and it died after suffering from way too many bullets.
"You did not just make a 'deez nuts' joke," Price said, looking absolutely flabbergasted while Weaver got into the jeep with Sam, and Alucard jumped into the back as well.
"I absolutely did," Lego replied, looking over at Price. "And you know now just how much I wanna get through this."
"So transition straight into the Ural Mountains!" Lego said, with Weaver alongside him as they stood in the middle of a missile silo in some random part of the Ural Mountains. "We gotta speedrun another Easter Egg."
"Well that's fucking great," Weaver commented, before looking behind him and seeing Samantha alongside him. "Wait, why is she with us?!"
"Shouldn't I be resting?" Samantha asked, confused.
"Yep," Lego replied. "But we got other things to fry."
"Yippee ki yay," a voice said, before Weaver and Sam turned to see John McClane next to him.
"Why the fuck is he here?!" Weaver asked now, baffled.
"John McClane actually crossed over into Black Ops Cold War," Lego said. "You'll see Rambo in the next easter egg."
"THE FUCK?!" Weaver questioned, before the ground shook and two of the hatches opened for the missile silo.
"See, here comes the fun part," Lego said, before a giant humanoid creature of purple crystals appeared. "We gotta kill this ho."
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Weaver asked, before a bunch of zombies started to spawn.
"OPEN FIRE!" Lego shouted as he pulled out an M16 and started letting loose, shouting a war cry while doing a Kermit impression.
"How do people put up with you?" Samantha asked, unsure of what to make of this… deranged person.
"Come on baby, come on," John McClane said as he killed zombies.
"Also, he only has voice lines from the Die Hard movies," Lego commented. "Just FYI."
"Wow," Weaver remarked. "That's… depressing."
The giant purple crystalline creature then began gathering a ball of electricity in its hands. Lego pointed at it and shouted, "BE CAREFUL, HE'S DOING A KAMEHAMEHA!"
"What?" Weaver asked, before the creature shot the lightning at the ground, scorching a large part of the area as Samantha and Weaver dodged. John McClane wasn't lucky and got hit, and was laying on his back, downed.
"I SAID I'M ON YOUR SIDE YOU ASSHOLES!" McClane shouted, before suddenly disappearing entirely with the blink of an eye.
"Thank god, he DC'd," Lego commented.
"What's that mean?" Samantha asked.
"Disconnected," Lego said. "Probably had shitty internet."
"Well don't just stand there! Kill that giant motherfucker!" Weaver shouted at Lego, pointing at the giant crystal monster.
"'Ight," Lego said, pulling out a shotgun and shooting the creature, causing it to slowly fade out of existence. All of the nearby zombies also exploded into a gory mess as the boss was killed.
Weaver and Sam looked at Lego with their jaws dropped. "...what the hell was that?!" Weaver asked.
"A shotgun from the DAU," Lego answered. "If my homie Tale were here… he'd likely be using this too." Lego began walking along. "Come on, we gotta go murder an Orda now."
"Huh?" Weaver questioned, before suddenly, he, Lego, and Samantha were on a dark island with a large monument. "I'm sorry, what?!"
"Fuck you, you little bastard," a voice said, before Weaver and Sam saw John Rambo standing there, holding an LMG.
Lego looked at Rambo for a moment. "...you deserve a bullet," Lego said as he pulled out a pistol, cocked it, and shot Rambo mercilessly in the head and proceeded to unload the rest of the clip into his body. "And that is how you introduce and write off a character."
Weaver shouted in confusion and anger at Lego's bullshit methods. "Just…! Just… summon the Orda, or… whatever!"
"M'kay," Lego said, before Orda the Sequel showed up. "Finally, an easier boss fight." Lego pulled out another Death Machine and proceeded to unload once again, before running out of bullets for the Death Machine. "Huh?" Lego's mind flashed back to the first Orda from earlier in the chapter, before humming. "Well shit." Dropping the minigun, Lego then pulled out a Hand Cannon, and shot the Orda, with it going down. "The two best scorestreaks to kill bosses my friends. The literal best."
"This is Raptor 1, ready to extract y'all," the Requiem Pilot said as he landed on the ground in a helicopter.
"Finally, we can go home," Samantha said. The moment she took a step, they were surrounded by a bunch of Soviets.
"Surrender, and you will be allowed to live," a Russian with almost no hair except a small amount that was white said as he looked at Weaver, Sam, Lego, and Raptor 1.
"Kravchenko," Weaver said, nothing but venom in his voice.
"For those who don't know," Lego began, looking at the readers. "In Black Ops 1, Lev Kravchenko removed one of Weaver's eyes in the campaign. That is why Weaver wears an eyepatch."
"Yes yes, now come with me, we gotta deal with Valentina," Kravchenko said.
"Huh?" Samantha questioned, confused. "Who?"
Somewhere underneath Berlin, underneath the walls that separated West and East Germany and inside of a lab, Weaver, Sam, and Lego stood alongside a robot who looked like a mannequin or test dummy as they stood before a red crystalline creature that looked humanoid.
"A new Reich is at hand," the creature spoke, sounding like a woman with a German accent. "You will all die here!"
"Alright what's the story here, Mr. I don't give a fuck?" Weaver asked Lego, glaring at him.
"That's Aleksandra Valentina," Lego said, pointing at the crystalline creature. "She's basically a red Tempest, a massive bitch, and has been deceived by the Forsaken. She's basically a nothing character who exists to get killed and to progress the story in the shadows, which you'd only learn about if you collected the intel scattered around the maps."
"The fuck is a Tempest?" Sam asked since they weren't exactly seen yet.
"Remember the purple crystal giant? Just that, except smaller and more easy to kill," Lego answered.
"Who's the robot?" Weaver asked now, looking at the robot. "Wait, isn't this Grey's pet project?"
"Hello, I am Klaus," the robot said. "I want to kill."
"He doesn't know shit about human limitations," Lego said. "He also is a murderous psychopath that will casually kill you. If he could smile while doing it, he would."
"Arschlöcher! Pay attention to me!" Valentina shouted upon her floating throne.
"Klaus, you want to do the honors?" Lego asked the robot while handing him a gun.
"Certainly," Klaus replied, before shooting Valentina's shield a bit. After that happened, the throne vanished and she fell to the floor on her face.
Weaver and Samantha looked at Valentina on the ground, and then at each other. "...well now what?" Weaver asked, looking at Lego.
Lego gestured to a device with a mini-nuke. "We're going to strap her to this machine and force her to power this device." Lego looked at Weaver. "She will die."
Weaver shrugged. "Works for me."
After strapped Valentina to the device, Valentine looked at them, alarmed. "You can't do this!"
"I mean, this is a part of the Easter Egg," Lego replied. "And to be quite clear, we don't need to. I could probably just fire a Ki Blast in there and solve the issue."
Samantha and Weaver looked at Lego, baffled. "Then let's press her for information!" Weaver said, before Lego slammed a big red button and killed Valentina, her body disappearing and going into the Nuke.
"Fuck that," Lego replied. "I'm a bitch and I execute fictional people all the time."
Klaus grabbed the nuke. "Oh well, I'll see you all in Black Ops 6." With that, he marched off into the Dark Aether, with the nuke, before the portal closed because Easter Egg.
"...is that it?" Samantha asked.
"Nah, we still gotta kill the Forsaken," Lego said.
"Who?" Weaver asked.
"I AM HERE FOR YOUR WORLD!" The Forsaken, a massive purple crystal creature that looked like a rotten corpse covered with said crystals, declared as they stood in Anytown, USA within a Russian training facility.
"Jesus Christ, he's fucking huge!" Weaver shouted.
"Why is he just a massive torso?" Samantha questioned, her eyes glowing purple along with her hands.
"Why the fuck are you glowing?!" Weaver asked.
"Oh yeah, she got magic powers now," Lego said with a hum. "Also, he's a torso just because he got no legs or whatever. Somehow he can see despite how he has no eyes."
"I AM HERE FOR REVENGE!" The Forsaken shouted. "FORTY EARTH YEARS! FOUR DARK AETHER CENTURIES! ABANDONED! TRAPPED! LEFT TO DIE!"
"Hey, you dropped something," Lego said, before holding up a gas mask, and then chucking it right at the Forsaken. It bounced off the Forsaken, who looked down at it.
"YOU DARE?!" The Forsaken questioned.
"MAXIS, GO!" Lego shouted.
"What?" Samantha questioned, before Lego picked her up and chucked her at the Forsaken. "YOU PIECE OF S-"
Samanthan then entered the Forsaken's body, and the Dark Aether entity panicked. "WHAT THE HELL?!"
"You're going to it!" Lego shouted before a giant ball appeared behind him. "Have a nice trip!" The Forsaken was then forcibly captured with the giant ball, which shook three times, before clicking.
You caught The Forsaken!
Would you like to rename it?
Yes No
"Fuck that," Lego shouted, before a helicopter appeared and grabbed the ball that caught the Forsaken, before flying off to who knows where.
Weaver dropped to his knees. "She's… She's gone…" Weaver said, looking at where Samantha Maxis has been thrown towards, where the Forsaken once stood. "...goddamn it…"
"Oh well," Lego said, patting Weaver on the back. "...well, see you tomorrow!" Lego then walked away and teleported to who knows fucking where.
…more chapters eventually.