Chapter 3
Zamantha: Okay, so, have you mentioned the CGI flubs in the first episode?
Jenny: Yeah. Especially the ones in the pilot.
Pteresa: Oh my goodness. I would jam my fist down someone's throat just to watch the pilot Rob made in one shoot.
Monroe: Um, you know production on that episode was just your average, timely paced pilot. If anything, that was just a rumor our stagehands spoke during their lunch breaks.
Tuck: Yeah. Kinda like the whole "Wakeman sisters playing mom and daughter" thing.
Monroe: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You actually believed that! (snickers) You understand that Nora Wakeman is a foot shorter than her robotic daughter, right?
Tuck: I mean, I was under the assumption that since the CGI suit can turn Jeanine into a robot that Jenny can play as her TV mother, since she did a wonderful performance with her voice in the first episode of this commentary.
Lenny: Dude, CGI nowadays can turn a guy into a realistic monkey with editing done by some internet celebrity who pirated some software. This was a suit with white balls and a rookie staff that just finished reading "Editing for Dum-Dums".
Eartha: At the very least, the worst thing that could've come out of this was that one "uncanny valley" scene.
Brad: Commentary Time!
[Intro]
Brad: Hi, everyone. It's me, Brad, and today we are going to discuss the following episodes, the one involving Sheldon and the beginning of the Cluster Prime arc.
Tuck: Ah, yes, the first, and only chance, I get any sense of development.
Brad: But, first things first, let's remember that in this episode, we are introduced to the man who, not only was involved with the writing division, but also got involved with other Reccardi projects, became part of the team. Introducing Sheldon Wakeman!
Sheldon: Hey. How are you?
Brad: So, Sheldon? This is your grand entrance.
Sheldon: Well, the beginning of my time involved with XJ9 and my buffoonish attempts to have Jenny in my arms which led to numerous people demanding that I leave the titular robot alone and die in a hole. But that's just me in the early seasons.
Jeanine: Which I remind everyone, again, it was the network executives and not Sheldy!
Candi: So, stop with the hate!
Sheldon: But, yeah. It's my introduction and Jenny's cringe moment.
[Jenny looks at the camera, forlorn]
Jenny: If any of you who had cathartic or erotic feelings over my blunt speech towards Sheldon, let me be clear, I wept once filming was over and Jeanine had to fill in with the other scene due to those words I spat out. Remember that when you re-watch it again.
[The cast play the episode titled "Attack of the 5 ft Geek", with the sisters and their respective daughters looking disappointed]
Jenny: (mimicking an executive) Oh, we, the executives are going to call this episode "Attack of the 5 ft Geek".
Jeanine: (same thing like her sister) Let's forget that bullying is a hot topic and make the case that jocks who act mean are the true pairings.
Candi: Can't these idiots refer to my daddy like a normal person?
Eartha: (sarcastic) Perhaps it was too much to say "Sheldon meets XJ9"? Let's go with a disastrous title, that'll make fans happy.
TV Sheldon: Sheldon Lee, you outdone yourself once again. With your scale die cast alloy figure of fandom's favorite superhero, Captain Crush.
Sheldon: Who is only mentioned in this episode and never mentioned in the series again.
TV Sheldon: You're sure to crush the competition.
[Sheldon pauses the episode to talk to the audience]
Sheldon: It's here where I need to talk about Captain Crush. First of all, that's not the real figure. The real figure is kept under lock and key on my secret compartment that only Blum Wakeman knows about. Secondly, this I'm holding were two objects, one made of plastic and one made of clay. The plastic is the one you're seeing on screen. The clay is going to be used in the climax. Third, those scenes where I'm playing with the figure took 27 days to get that right. You heard me right, 27 days! According to Rob, this was because executives never saw me as a "normal kid" who plays with toys. I try to make them change their words but so far all I got were head shakes. By the 26th day, they were changing their attitudes but I needed to convince them it was authentic. So I spent the next 12 hours correcting myself into my role. After I performed that scene, they left me alone for the duration of the first season.
Candi: All those days for playing with toys?
Sheldon: The executives were demanding idiots, Candi dear. "You can't play with toys. You don't fit the 'American way of life'. You should be writing complicated linguistic notes or solving algebraic equations, like real Asian people".
[The mere fact that Sheldon faced stereotyping off set makes the sisters and daughters embrace him more. Sheldon plays the episode]
TV Sheldon: Oh captain, if only you can fly.
Bully: Heh-heh-heh-heh. Heh-heh. Only a laser beam can cut through my vest!
[Lenny pauses the episode just as everyone catches their breath]
Cast: Wait, what!?
[Lenny tries to rewind and replay the scene with the exact thing being said again.]
Lenny: Sorry folks. It appears we're watching a re-dubbed version of the episode our backstage workers have done a while ago.
[He pauses the episode, turns off the TV, pulls out his phone, plugs a usb cord on his phone to the TV, scrolls down to a video, presses the video to reveal the actual episode, and sits down on the bed]
Lenny: Don't worry. Even with my phone, we can still use the remote.
[Lenny presses play]
Bully: Heh-heh-heh-heh. We can make him fly.
[Jeanine pauses for a minute and addresses her concerns to the audience]
Jeanine: You see, people, this Sheldon was a victim of bullying. His actions to my character were the result of no-one, not even the faculty, defending the poor boy who became my wonderful husband and gave me a plethora of kids. The thousands who continue with death eater fanfictions about my husband need to reevaluate their life choices and understand how a show really works!
[Lenny, however, mutes after playing the episode]
Lenny: To those who want to understand why we skip scenes or mute dialogue, here's the answer. You, the viewer, have already seen this episode when you were kids or teens, therefore having us review every scene in the series is unproductive and time-consuming. Henceforth, the part where Sheldon is bullied gets skipped because there's nothing interesting.
Sheldon: Well, those bullies are actually extras. Nothing else happened to them and I doubt they continued as professionals in the industry.
Teacher: The craftsmanship on this weld is impeccable. But whose project is this?
TV Jenny: Project? That's my knee!
Eartha: Pervert!
[Jeanine pauses the video]
Jeanine: Honey, I doubt the actor playing the teacher is a pedophile.
Eartha: Mom. Old men looking at teenage legs aren't supposed to sound that excited!
Sandy: And that's the double truth!
[Suddenly, more of the Wakeman children step inside. First is Sandy, a blonde sporting a blue blouse, black skirt, Korean canvas shoes, XJ9 earrings, and a Melody purse (a purse modeled after Melody Locus' face). The second is Moira, a bob cut black haired girl with red highlights in a black tank top, a white trench coat, royal blue flare jeans, black ankle strap flats, blazing red aviator glasses, Wakeman Labs earrings, and a Wakeman Labs purse. Third is Blum, a black haired boy with blue highlights in a white shirt that has XJ9 in red flames doing an action pose, a black lab coat, gray slacks, harajuku sneakers, and a Musique 5.0. Fourth is Cree, a braided black haired girl with orange highlights in a pink button shirt, brown maxi skirt, gold sneakers, gold bangles, a XJ9 necklace, palladium gear earrings, dangling diamonds on her braids, a translucent XJ9 hair clip, and a brooch of the Wakeman Labs logo. Fifth is Rob Wakeman, a redhead with a white shirt that has XJ9 in yellow flames waving hello with a smile, an orange sweater with Agent Mole on it, tan jeans, checkered canvas shoes, and prescription glasses. And finally Audrey, a redhead with a purple shirt, pink skirt, black tights, harajuku sneakers, and a Musique 4.0. They reach their parents, along with their respective siblings, and proceed to watch the episode]
Jeanine: Moira, Sandy, Cree, Blum, what are you four doing here?
Moira: We felt like our other mothers needed some relief.
Sandy: Yeah. Eartha's disappearance almost caused a miscarriage.
Cree: So, we do what our sister does and peek on dad's phone.
Blum: I am not ready to handle such repressive emotions just because my sister ditched us.
Jenny: (worried) Rob? Why did you bring Audrey with you?
Rob: Actually, I went by myself. Audrey followed me and insisted we go to you.
Audrey: I came to support my mommy and daddy!
Sheldon: You kids will be the death of me.
Cree: Dad, don't joke things like that.
Audrey: Please, no bad stuff! I can't lose you and have mom cry about it!
Jeanine: Then stop running away and worrying us!
Audrey: It was Earthy's fault! She almost caused my next sibling to plop 5 months early!
[The siblings are stunned]
Blum: How do you know it's 5 months?
Audrey: It's a guess, genius. By the way, nice 5.0. I betcha saw my 4.0 and bought the next generation out of jealousy.
Blum: NO. I bought it because I'm rich.
Jeanine: Correction. Your family's rich. Your father, me, and your other mothers work very hard to get nice things for you and your siblings.
Audrey: Yeah! When the 6.0 is out, I'm first!
Cree: Game on, little girl!
[Sheldon then plays the episode]
Teacher: Sorry, miss. What can I do for you?
Moira: Besides flirt with my mom.
TV Jenny: I have a minor injury and I went to the school nurse but she sent me here. One of my screws is loose.
Teacher: Is it a regular or a phillips?
ShelJen kids: It's a Jenny screw, like my mom, you pervert!
TV Jenny: Can you help?
Teacher: Sheldon could be able to. As soon as Sheldon is through with his buddies, he can fix you up.
Sandy: (outraged) Buddies? Those are bullies, you middle-aged creepazoid!
Audrey: I know he can't hear me, but. (blows raspberry)
Blum: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah. With buddies like them, who need enemies.
Moira: It's at this point our beautiful mother decided to confront the twits and have our dear dad fix the injury.
Jeanine: Stop with the flattery, dear. This episode isn't exactly how I met your father.
Sheldon: (confused) It isn't? When did we meet?
Jeanine: (flirty) Remember The Hubleys Institute of Grand Artistry.
Sheldon: You weren't a student there, dear. The only people I know were me, Zach, Yvon, Dutch, and, because I forgot to mention this last commentary episode, Brit Crust. If anything, how do you know me in that school?
Jeanine: I was under an alias, dear. Perhaps you met the snippy yet talented child star, Suzy Clinkenbeard.
[Sheldon is aghast, goes silent before Jenny speaks]
Jenny: Wait a minute. Suzy was your alias. I thought you made that up to impersonate mom whenever she would perform in front of us.
Jeanine: To be fair, it was mom who taught me to make up an alias whenever situations like "stage coaches" are involved.
Brad: And to those who ask, their mother isn't Suzy.
Tuck: It's Clarissa Wakeman.
[Theme song plays in the background]
Lenny: What was that?
Monroe: A theme song. It comes with the name.
Lenny: Wakeman?
Zamantha: No, Clarissa.
[Theme plays again]
Lenny: (frustrated) Why!?
Greg: Don't think too hard. You'll get an aneurysm.
Jeanine: And be glad she's not in this commentary. I can't have her near my family or my husband!
Sheldon: It makes sense in context.
Jeanine: Anywho, I met your father under that alias and wanted to perform as the lead role in my very first school play: Rooty Toot-Toot.
Jenny: Wait? Rooty Toot-Toot? That was also my first performance.
Tuck: You attended that school?
Brad: No. She went to public school since there was only one available spot and her sister got that in a landslide.
Jenny: Mom did her greatest for Jeanine. As for me, I went to a normal public school because dad said "At least you tried your best, dear".
Sheldon: So, which role did you get in Rooty Toot-Toot?
Jenny: Frankie.
Jeanine: Same as me. I bet your performance was terrible.
Jenny: NO! It was above mediocre, at best.
Candi: I betcha did better than my performance.
Jenny: Oh, Candi, sweetie. You were great in your school play.
Candi: (honest) Thanks! But, to be fair, I was the only person who read the script. Everyone else improvised to the point where it was obvious.
Jenny: (giggles) That was my exact experience too, dear. I'm glad you have a piece of me in yourself.
Audrey: Excuse me!?
Jenny: Audrey! Remember Doggy Hamlet?
[Moira, Cree, Sandy, and Candi snicker]
Audrey: It was the weiner dog's fault, mommy! That mutt pooped in front of Gremory!
Pteresa: And yet the doberman's performance was the saving grace of that botched play.
Sheldon: Who got the role of Johnny, Nellie Bly and Honest John?
Jenny: Johnny was somebody. I forgot the name. Don't remember Nellie Bly's actress. Honest John is one of those "forgettable moments". I do know Brad was the judge.
Brad: True. I was given the role of judge and since that had few lines, my performance was great.
Jeanine: Well, I was given the role of Frankie, Brit was Nellie Bly, Yvon was Johnny, Zach was the judge.
[Jeanine grabs Sheldon's face and proceeds to smush his lips]
Jeanine: (flirtatious) And my Sheldy-Weldy performed as Honest John.
Sheldon: The crook. Honest John the crook.
Jeanine: (flirtatious) Not according to my loving interpretation.
Blum: Could you two not? There are children present.
Moira: Hey, smartypants! When your sig other comes to you, stuff like this'll happen!
Blum: Please, I'm asexual. I need no flirty moments to appreciate my feelings towards my other half.
Sandy: And I'm polysexual, no one cares. Let mom and dad be themselves.
ShelJen kids: Yeah, Blum!
Blum: (humble) Sorry. Also, what about you, Cree?
Cree: Demisexual.
Rob: So, how was the acting?
Jeanine: (cheerful before getting serious) Abysmal. Apart from your father and me, dear kids, amateurs trying to make avant garde out of surgical casts.
Sheldon: It was the fact that most didn't know how to "enunciate" certain lines.
Brad: It can't be that bad.
Sheldon: Nellie Bly was supposed to be a contralo performance with a jazzy tune and Brit did it in a flat, semi-robotic tone that combined with a change into minimalist music made the scene come out awkward and, for lack of a better word, uncanny.
Rob: Wow. The way you describe it, that sounds like a gosh awful performance, dad.
Sheldon: The mere fact the ending was changed only emphasized your mother's disdain to the actors besides me.
Tuck: The ending to the play was changed? If I remember, Frankie shoots Honest John and goes to jail due to a misunderstanding.
Jenny: No in my school. After Frankie was acquitted, the curtains close once the big jazz score plays.
Jeanine: My school's ending was also different. After Honest John proposes to Frankie, that misunderstanding between Nellie Bly and Honest John ends with Nellie Bly getting shot and running into the sunset with John.
Sheldon: According to the school, the original ending was "too depressing" for little kids to understand.
Lenny: But art isn't supposed to be cheerful. Cheerful art is escapism in its purest. Other forms of art are commentary pieces of the world around us. Why is it that people want to censor things with a meaning that's in full context?
Monroe: Hey, you remember that mouse cartoon we watched as kids?
Lenny: Yeah.
Monroe: Remember that episode where the mouse inhaled some flowers and fought the bad guy of the week.
Lenny: Yeah. I thought it was funny and the bad guy deserved it.
Monroe: Well, adults thought the mouse encouraged kids to do drugs and as a result the episode was pulled out of rotation while the series was canceled.
Lenny: (upset) Adults are morons!
Brad: Well, now we're adults and hopefully we can see the difference between egregious and silly.
Tuck: Like the shows I saw where the main character was eating brownies.
Brad: Tuck, we've been through this, those were rice balls. Dubbing companies at the time were Japanophobic and thought American kids won't understand cultural differences.
Tuck: Ironic, isn't it. They wanted a little kid like me to see "cheeseburgers" instead of shumai. Now, as a young adult, I went to Tokyo and ate sushi and ramen, not "cookies and chicken soup".
ShelJen kids: (sigh) 2Children. Absolute baka!
[The cast then return to the TV and realize they're at the introduction of the villain of the week part]
Jeanine: Well, I hope nothing interesting happened.
Jenny: Well, after Sheldy fixed my screw, he began to follow me.
Jeanine: You mean me, sis!
Sheldon: And then I began to intrude my classmate's life with everyone teasing Jenny over my unrealistic infatuation.
Lenny: Let me be clear: It was in the script. And most of that dialogue was executive work.
Zamantha: Also, I'm glad we skipped it. The times we laughed at Jenny made me vomit.
Kim: They made me want to scratch my eyeballs out.
Greg: There are never any moments where I wanted to pull myself off certain scenes and pummel myself until he gets the message.
Monroe: In the end, we hate our bullying moments and would like it if you stop with the insistence that we enjoyed ourselves. It was an act and nothing else!
TV Jenny: What is it? Bank robbery? Grand theft auto?
Lenny: Not the game!
[TV Nora then spots TV Sheldon]
TV Nora: Hello, who is this? (happily) Large cranial capacity; thin, gangly frame; sun-deprived skin. I approve. I whole-heartedly approve.
[Jeanine presses pause, turns to Sheldon and speaks in her "Nora" voice]
Jeanine: (impersonating Nora) You have every legal right to marry my gorgeous daughter, have the wedding of the century, produce 38 intellectually beautiful children and considering I'm an old woman who's near her golden years, that's asking a lot.
Sheldon: (chuckling) Oh, stop it.
Jenny: (also impersonating Nora) Oh, please, Sheldon. You must meet my other daughter. Her name's Jenny, she's absolutely prettier than Jeanine, has a down to earth personality, and while she can only produce a limit of 9-10 kids while wanting a much more secluded homelife, she's far more understandable and reasonable than her eldest sister.
[Sheldon smiles]
Sheldon: (chuckling) Please, stop it. You're embarrassing me.
[Jeanine gets confrontative]
Jeanine: Oh, yeah! At least my talented daughter Jeanine can skyrocket her kids into stardom from hard work rather than leech off her inheritance like some lazy executive!
Jenny: Hands off my stilettos, you obnoxious red-haired brute!
Jeanine: I'm going to shove my heels down your throat, you half star puppet!
Blum: (sigh) This has to be the 500th . . .
ShelJen kids: 27,498th.
Blum: Time they got into a fight involving dad. What is it about you that makes all our moms fight?
Sheldon: I ask myself that everytime they flirt with me, kiddo.
Cree: Hey, Uncle Brad, should we show this to the people watching?
Brad: (sigh) I'll take them to another room.
[Brad, Tuck, and Lenny drag the sisters, who are still fighting, off the couch and into another room while Sheldon presses play, with a disappointed look]
TV Nora: Oh, it's nothing too important. It's just the Lonely Hearts Club Gang up to their mopey mischief. I shall hate to ruin any plans you may have with your-
Eartha: Husband!
Moira: Husband!
Sandy: Husband!
Cree: Husband!
Sheldon: That's enough, you four.
TV Jenny: Oh, look at that. Duty calls. Crime in progress. That kind of thing.
[Jenny flies off with a slab of ceiling conking Sheldon]
Candi: Daddy!
Sheldon: Don't worry dear. That was foam. My teeth are alright.
Rob: Like that time Blum did your wisdom extraction, dad.
Blum: (pouty) I don't want to talk about it.
Sheldon: You were wonderful. I just the same could be said about number 32.
Blum: I was so close. I just thought I left something inside your gums.
TV Sheldon: What a girl.
Sheldon: You're not wrong, young me.
[We are introduced to the villain of the week throwing heart bombs on the stoplights]
LHCG leader: She loves me not. That's the story of my life, boys.
LHCG members: Ours too, boss.
[Monroe pauses]
Monroe: Who were those guys?
Zamantha: They're the Lonely Hearts Club Gang. A bunch of depressed losers who make it their mission to ruin people's lives with their breakups.
Kim: I think Monroe wanted to know who their actors were.
Monroe: Yeah.
Zamantha: Oh! Right. Um. I think they were extras the studio hired for another episode that ended up being scrapped.
Sheldon: Close. Those men are actually our stagehands.
Greg: Really!
Dexter: Yup. Everyone of those men helped behind the scenes.
Juniper: The short one, their leader, he's actually my makeup guy.
Zamantha: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ernie was the leader? He looks so different.
Juniper: What part of "makeup guy" don't you get?
Zamantha: I mean he was always vibrant. Here, he's moody and ash-faced.
Dexter: Rob created these gang members out of broken relationships he, Reccardi, and other producers went through and when Ernie read the character sheet of one of them, he went to Rob, gave him his interpretation, and the rest is history.
Zamantha: What about the other men?
[Sheldon plays the episode]
LHCG leader: The world can be cruel and heartless, boys. It's up to us to spread the misery around.
LHCG member: This one's for Lucy!
Sheldon: That's Abner.
LHCG member: This one's for Greta!
Juniper: That's Brian
LHCG member: For Terry
LHCG member: For Mary.
Greg: I'm sure they were Wyatt and Blanc.
LHCG member: For Charlotte!
Dexter: Hey, it's Jakob. My acting coach.
LHCG member: You never dated Charlotte.
LHCG: Oh, yeah. It's for the best, she would've dumped me anyway.
TV Jenny: Okay, boys. You've broken enough hearts for one day.
Moira: (sarcastic) Nice wording, mom.
LHCG leader: How ironic; I finally get a girl to chase me. And it turns out, I don't like it.
TV Jenny: Well, I can't say you're my type, either. But, I'm happy to have you in my arms.
Cree: (sarcastic) Nice wording, mom.
LHCG member: I don't know, toots. Looks like you're already spoken for.
TV Sheldon: Hey, Jenny. Check this out. Not this, this is my motorized scooter.
Sheldon: Hey, young me. I'm real happy for and Imma let you finish, but-
TV Sheldon: So, I whipped this up at home. It's a teflon net deployment system.
[Blum starts laughing]
Blum: (laughing) That archaic device! You wanted to give mom that clunky contraption! No wonder she rejects your advances!
Sheldon: (stern) Blum Wakeman. Once upon a time, technological devices were huge closets that took a lot of energy and time to make 1 sheet of coding paper.
TV Sheldon: See, instead of chasing after the bad guys, you just point, fire and the job's done leaving you extra time for dating.
Blum: You know, dad, in a lot of ways, that makes common sense.
Sheldon: Thank you, son.
Blum: If only I was there, then my tinkering would've made the net capture the enemies instead of you and mom.
Sheldon: (sigh) I know kiddo.
[Somewhere in an room, both sisters watch with Brad and Lenny in tow]
Brad: I forget, who played who again?
Jeanine: Any fight scenes are mine. All passive scenes are hers.
Jenny: I had some fight scenes.
Jeanine: Yeah, in ones where my acting was needed elsewhere.
Lenny: Who were those old ladies anyway?
Brad: Some extras we might never find out.
Store-owner: You coldhearted fiends. You've ruined my entire inventory. Every tuxedo clashes.
LHCG leader: Did any of you boys go to your prom?
LHCG members: No, boss
LHCG leader: I didn't think so.
TV Jenny: So the lonely hearts want to dance, huh? I'll show them a move or two.
Eartha: (sarcastic) Nice wording, mom.
[In the other room]
Jenny: (sarcastic) Nice wording, me.
Sheldon: You're not going in there empty handed, are you?
ShelJen kids: Dad!
Jenny: Sheldy!
Jeanine: Husband!
Sheldon: It's me again and I'm holding some stuff that won't get used at some point.
Tuck: Where's my gun?
TV Jenny: Hello, Sheldon, what took you so long?
TV Sheldon: I know, I know, I know, I know. You're still upset about the teflon net thing. But let me make it up to you with a paralyzing beam.
Blum: Thanks, dad. But my version isn't clunky nor impractical. In fact, one of Moira's lipstick tubes is my paralyzing device. Capable of stunning a thug without electrocuting their hearts.
Jenny: I forgot about that paperweight Sheldon held during that shoot. What happened to it?
Lenny: Rob had it stored somewhere, according to a stagehand. I think that was a lie given the hasty response that stagehand said.
Jeanine: I still remember how they made him hold that thing for 12 hours.
Brad: On the bright side, he's now capable of holding six babies without arm fatigue.
[Jeanine elbows Brad's shoulder]
Jeanine: Don't make jokes, Brad.
TV Sheldon: Jet-powered roller skates?
Blum: Sorry, dad. Those are still in the embryonic stage. Even Eartha knows they're not ready for the masses.
Eartha: It's true. Bryce had it coming.
Sandy: Bryce? That rich snob who thought you and him were an item?
Cree: I heard he jumped a gorge to prove his love to you. Is it true?
Eartha: Reports of that incident are embellished but I rather not divulge in such details.
Dexter: Heard he made it 5 ft.
Zamantha: I heard he made it 500 meters.
Greg: I was told he smashed his back teeth on a slab of limestone.
Jeanine: That boy had every right to get smashed! Nobody touches my daughter like that!
Jenny: Another Chekov's gun.
TV Sheldon: Sound cannon?
TV Jenny: Not into heavy metal.
Jenny: I don't know why I said that line nor do I understand the point of that joke?
Sandy: I know that was a joke but a sound cannon is used to make riots disperse.
Audrey: Or make enemies listen to trashy pop music.
Candi: Or over-memed internet videos.
TV Sheldon: Hmm, I know. Here it is. It's an anti-stumble device.
[Suddenly, TV Sheldon fires something that triggers a chain of events which lead to XJ9 leaving the scene with the roller skates in tow]
Lenny: You did your own stunts, right?
Brad: I mean, you and your sister were trained to be top tier actresses.
Jenny: Brad, Lenny, it really depends on who you talk to.
Jeanine: As for this scene, specifically, it was a stunt actress.
TV Sheldon: Those skates really have a kick to them, Jenny. Jenny?
Sheldon: And my obliviousness gets me captured.
Jenny: Sheldy! NO!
Jeanine: Husband! NO!
LHCG leader: Fate is a fickle mistress, my friend. Each day, we court her favor. But with one spin of the wheel, she can turn your whole world upside down. You may end up having a horrible factory accident. Or fall into a vat of boiling chocolate. Or maybe you'll suffer from a really, really bad paper cut. Any way you slice it, there's a slim chance you'll end up happy.
Moira: Preferably, I'd rather go with the boiling chocolate.
Audrey: Same.
Candi: Me too.
Rob: Anything other than a deep paper cut. No amount of stitches will patch up that scratch.
LHCG member: Hey, boss. Lover boy still plays with dolls.
Audrey and Cree: You leave Captain Crush alone! He's got nothing to do with this!
LHCG member: Hey, look, boss, I can make dolly fly.
Candi, Moira, and Sandy: Leave him alone, I said!
Eartha: I don't care if you're an extra, that's a priceless heirloom and I'll kick your spleen for touching and not wiping it!
LHCG leader: You see, it's the things we love that end up destroying us. Just like the robot girl will be destroyed when she comes to save her boyfriend.
[The sound of that word echoes as XJ9 grows even angrier until she yells out the frustration. Jenny, meanwhile, looks at the following scene with wide-eyed shame as Jeanine tries to look away. Their kids, on the other hand . . .]
Cree: Say, Eartha, you remember that time when Norio filled our pool with crustaceans?
Eartha: Yeah. I mean, given the circumstances, he really wanted mom to make lobster for him.
Cree: I'd say that yell we're hearing now was nowhere near that incident.
Sandy: How could it be compared to that incident? I still remember the tantrum Norio made when mom denied him lobster again.
Blum: And unlike our internet video war, this wasn't recorded or staged.
Audrey: We all signed confidentiality waivers! We all knew the risks when that war happened!
LHCG leader: Yeesh, what did I say?
Moira: Your biggest regret.
TV Jenny: Look, I'm only going to say this once!
Jenny: Brad, mute this NOW!
Brad: But-
[Jeanine pulls out Tuck's gun and aims it towards Brad's head]
Jeanine: SHE SAID MUTE IT!
Lenny: We can't! It's in the main room!
[The burly member tries to trap Jenny with a magnet, but she still speaks. The family watch as Jenny says a heartbreaking speech]
TV Jenny: Sheldon is not my boyfriend! I don't even know him! He's just some crazy, loser stalker geek! He's not my boyfriend! He's not my friend! He's not my nothing!
[The silence permeates as the kids are aghast over their mother's statements.]
Audrey: Please tell me this was all an act?
Candi: Of course, mom would never call dad a derogatory word. Right?
Rob: Hey, little girls. Sometimes, there are moments where mom needs to express poignantly.
Eartha: I don't get it. I just don't get it. You weren't doing any of the inappropriate stuff most fanfics portray you doing, right?
Sheldon: To be fair, my character did not know personal boundaries. So, in a way, I had it coming.
Cree: Dad? You had a backstory, right?
Moira: I mean, you told us that they left important information out due to time constraints.
Sheldon: Yeah. I had a backstory as to why I became the person you see on the screen. The reason for my "stalker with a crush" motif was an inability to communicate verbally towards my peers when I arrived in Tremorton and how your mother broke that inability for me when she confronted those bullies but due to the executives cutting that out and in favor for miscommunication in the school, those moments where I jumped at the chance solidified my character from a woobie to a death eater.
Sandy: But that's unfair! People need to see how my dad went from gifted outcast to major cast member! I wish people would stop with this hate towards you and instead blame it on the dumb studio executives!
[Suddenly, a door slams open, as Brad and Lenny walk out with Jenny, remorseful, and Jeanine, angered, running towards their seats. The clicking sounds of their stilettos echo the silence as both sisters, in tears, hug Sheldon out of a loving embrace as the duo try to grab the remote and skip the entire episode]
Sheldon: No. Continue playing.
Jenny: But Sheldy, dear?
Sheldon: (insistent) Please, continue playing.
[Jeanine hits play as the sisters weepingly kiss Sheldon. They show the part where XJ9 huffs out of screaming her statements and seeing a brokenhearted Sheldon on the verge of tears]
TV Jenny: (remorseful) Sheldon, I didn't mean to -
The Wakeman family: (upset) SHUT UP! YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH!
LHCG leader: I think you've said enough, miss. (lets Sheldon go) I told you fate was cruel, kid. But don't worry. That's what the Lonely Hearts Gang Club is for. And the day you graduate, you're a member. Now, you'd better get outta here. You're not going to want to see what we do to your girlfriend - uh, robot - to the teenage robot.
Greg: At least you got some sympathy from the gang.
Sheldon: Greg. Thanks but not now.
[The entire Lonely Hearts Club Gang surround the robot and try to dismantle her until a chained Captain Crush attacks the imbeciles. The sight of the figure makes the kids feel some excitement]
Candi: YAY! Captain Crush!
Rob: Waste those cretins, captain!
Audrey: That's right, knock his molars out!
Sandy: Oh, you forgot the little guy.
Eartha: Captain Crush, 6! LHCG, 0!
[Afterwards, a crushed Sheldon lets Jenny go and the episode ends with Jenny trying to find the broken hearted boy.]
Sheldon: Wait, there was more, right?
Jeanine: I decided to skip that part.
Sheldon: Well, after my rescue, I went home, sobbing over my pathetic attempts to woo your mother. Then Captain Crush knocked on my window to reveal your mother trying to mend our friendship.
Jeanine: Well, as far as I'm concerned, you getting your feelings crushed by my dumb words never happened.
Sheldon: It's alright, you two. I made peace with that "unsavory" part years ago. Now I look at my past performances, laugh and go, "wish I could've done that differently".
Jeanine: But, Sheldy, your haters?
Sheldon: Oh, people dislike me for a lot of things. I mean, people dislike Brad for being too flat or prone to betrayal or XJ9 for being naive or bossy. The fact is no character in the show is perfect and I bet fanfic writers would tell you that's true.
Jenny: Even so, I still think you are a good husband and coworker.
Sheldon: And I still think you and Jeanine's performances in seasons 4-7 were exquisite.
Jenny: As for crying, at the time, neither me or my sisters have met Sheldon before. You see, kids, your father was one of those "serious minded" actors who kept some distance between your distinct mothers. But as the series went on and we got to know him better, certain lines in some episodes became immense regrets.
Jeanine: Thus the outburst we said to ourselves.
Sheldon: (stauch) Let's just be glad that we never hear those dumb lines ever again!
Jenny/Jeanine: Agreed!
[The family hugs out of happiness as the staff watch the next episode "Doom with a View"]
Tuck: Ah, yes, the snow episode. The only time I get any actual development.
[We begin with TV Brad trekking the snowy landscape when he spots something]
TV Brad: There it is: His battle flag. In the name of Skyway Patrol, I, commander Bradicus Maximus, claim this flag–
Tuck: Not so fast, you overpaid guerrilla!
TV Tuck: Uh, uh, uh, Maximus. No touchy, touchy. (throws snowball) A direct hit!
Audrey: That's nothing. I once threw a giant one to Cree.
Moira: And I threw a larger one on you.
Candi: I'm really sorry, sis.
Audrey: Someone has to be.
TV Brad: Dirty trick! Just wait til I get my hands on-
TV Tuck: Dream on, commander. You'll never take Fort Tuckonderoga. This fort is impervious, impregnable, un-siegable, And un-seizable. This fort can withstand dinosaurs, mack trucks, termites -
Blum: I doubt termites can destroy such a fort. Unless they somehow mutated into withstanding frigid temperatures, then yeah termites are just an exaggeration.
Candi: I had a snow fort like that once. It was okay for a 2 year old but now mines stretch 60 acres.
TV Brad: This fort is awesome. Those walls must be three feet thick. And you can totally see our house from up here.
Candi: My fort's walls are 8 ft thick!
Audrey: And you can totally see the guest house from up there.
TV Tuck: Excuse me, I said this fort was impregnable.
Tuck: Don't bother, little me. This is where my brother reaches the height of his obliviousness.
TV Tuck: Impregnable!
TV Brad: First rate work, Tuck. Very nice, very solid construction. A few reinforcements, a little camouflage, and this will make an excellent Fort Brad.
Tuck: (sneering) And when he reaches the most selfish!
TV Tuck: Fort Brad!? You mean Fort Tuck-
TV Brad: Who is the older brother here?
TV Tuck: You are.
TV Brad: Who's wearing an authentic Skyway patrol commander helmet?
Brad: Which is a plot point that leads to my character regretting and hoping my spouse never sees it.
TV Tuck/Tuck: You are, commander./You are, douchebag!
TV Brad: That's right. And according to the rules of snowball war, which you signed, I outrank anyone in a Peter proper stocking cap.
TV Tuck/Tuck: But-but it's so cozy./Also, the (bleep)ing executives wouldn't let me wear my first choice.
Monroe: Which was?
Tuck: A balaclava. Apparently, it "promotes terrorism".
TV Brad: When it's your turn to wear the helmet, you'll be in command, but until then, Ten hut! I want to see this fort camouflaged by 01200. Let's move out. Hut, two, three, four. Hut two, three, four.
[The flag for Tuck is replaced with Brad's]
TV Brad: Excellent job, private. This camouflage gives us the element of surprise. And the new stockpile of snowball weapons technology will allow us to take on any opponent.
Blum: Such stone age tech. When we Wakeman kids were having a snow fight, anyone in my group was armed with the latest snowball weapons technology.
Rob: Too bad Moira wins every time.
Audrey: You may have weapons, but she has logistics!
[Moira blushes]
TV Tuck: Sir, I have a question, sir.
TV Brad: Speak freely, private.
TV Tuck: Uh, who exactly is the enemy?
TV Brad: Aha! Excellent question. Pay attention, soldier. There's your enemy. Note the hardened battle chassis, the radial targeting system. Yes, sir, she's one bad mamma-jamma, so we must remain vigilant.
Blum: Are you saying my mom is your enemy, Uncles?
Tuck: I mean, we were playing a game.
Audrey: If so, then you're doomed. If it was the entire family, well, you'll experience Hiroshima times Desert Storm!
Tuck: I doubt you can pull that off.
TV Jenny: Brad, tuck. Yoo-hoo. Where are you guys? Hello?
TV Brad: We have the element of surprise. Man the artillery.
TV Jenny/Jeanine: They've got to be around here somewhere.
TV Brad: Ready?
TV Jenny/Jeanine: I'm getting weird readings.
TV Brad: Aim.
TV Jenny/Jenny: Oh, wait. They're right behind me.
TV Brad: Fire!
TV Jenny/Jeanine/Jenny: Hey, guys.
[TV Jenny gets crossed when pelted while both sisters smile cheeky]
TV Brad: More firepower.
[Brad and Tuck throw snowballs at Jenny]
TV Brad: Fire. Fire.
[They continue firing snowballs]
TV Brad: Fire, fire, fire!
[They continue until XJ9 falls on an embankment]
TV Brad: Cease fire. Secure your ordnance, private.
[The screen then turns static as the cast tries to figure out what happened.]
Lenny: What's going on?
[Monroe shrugs]
[Suddenly, the screen shows the ShelJen kids, well dressed, in a barely lit war room with Candi pressing a button]
Candi: Permission to fire, dad!
Sheldon: (on speaker) Permission granted.
Blum: Forces, move out!
Eartha: Tear the Carbuckle brothers!
Sandy: Make them regret attacking the Wakeman family!
Rob, Cree, Recarrdi, Doreck, Norio, and Masako: Wakemans unite!
[The screen then changes to XJ9, armed to the teeth with missiles, along with an array of LAV's, tanks, infantrymen, snipers, ships, jet-planes and a satellite laser with the Wakeman Labs logo on it]
TV Brad and Tuck: Ahh!
Lenny: (whispers) How did you edit this scene?
Sheldon: Mister Renzetti let me tinker with this episode.
[XJ9 and the army begin assaulting Fort Brad with the brothers fleeing with their pants intact]
TV Brad: Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!
[The flag for Brad is replaced with Jenny's]
TV Brad: Victory is yours, Generalissimo Jenny.
Tuck: That's Field Marshal Jenny and Admiral Jeanine to you, Brad!
TV Brad: As commander of Fort Brad, I request surrender with honorable terms.
Candi: Request denied! You shall be sentenced to death row for taunting my family!
Sheldon: (stern) Candi! As emperor and supreme court judge of the Wakeman family, you two are pardoned, for now.
Tuck: Yes, sir.
Brad: Sorry, sir.
TV Jenny: And you shall have it, commander. You and your men fought bravely.
Jeanine: Well, some of them fought bravely.
Tuck: Well, I'm not armed with a military that massive.
Audrey: Then don't tease my brother.
TV Tuck: What about my fort?
TV Brad: Aw, c'mon, Tuck. Lighten up. There's plenty of raw material for a new one.
Blum: I mean, it's just snow?
Lenny: Don't pout about it.
TV Tuck: But it took hours to build. And that's not even counting the landscaping and interior design.
Pteresa: Gremory even talked like you. It's just snow, honey. You got the brains to make it better.
TV Brad: C'mon, it's just a snow fort. As your commander, I order you to get over it.
Tuck: Bite me, brother!
TV Jenny: Gee, I'm sorry, Tuck.
TV Tuck: Yeah, so am I.
Cluster bot: I, too, am sorry. I am sorry for XJ9. Sorry that she is forced to live amongst humans. Sorry she isn't the queen of this puny planet like she deserves. We are the cluster. And we feel your pain.
[Lenny pauses the video]
Lenny: Everyone in the audience, we are introduced to the epic Cluster Prime saga. A story that becomes central in Jenny's plight into becoming one with her peers.
Jenny: Mister Renzetti wanted my character to have a force that rivals the majority of the villains of the week. Having been influenced by pulp fiction stories of the 1950's and a 60's show called "Galactic Travels", Rob came up with the idea of a planet full of machines who see humans as inferior being that need to be enslaved by high beings, like them, and it's up to me to stop them.
Jeanine: (seething) Unfortunately, there are two people whose roles are my character's antagonists.
Sheldon: But, we'll talk about them later. In the meantime, the cluster bot in this episode was performed by an up and coming actor named Keith David.*
*- Not really Keith David, but let's pretend, for the sake of this fanfic.
Cluster Bot: I am but a humble emissary sent to extend to you an invitation, an invitation to join us on our home world, Cluster Prime! Yes, Cluster Prime, a paradise planet where robots, cyborgs, and yes, even androids live in peace and harmony, A planet where all robots are free, free to pursue lives. Dedicated to science, the arts, the enslavement of the human race, and the consumption of soft-serve ice cream, which we call cluster. Domo arigato, Mister Roboto. Domo arigato.
Sheldon: Keith, your Japanese was unearned. Therefore, baka gaijin!
TV Jenny: (sarcastic) Wow. An all-robot planet. That does sound pretty great. And the whole enslavement of the human race thing, (dead serious look) not so much. Here's your answer, bugface. I'll never join the cluster.
[Jeanine presses the reverse button, presses mute, and re-dubs the entire scene]
Jeanine: (sarcastic) Wow. An all-robot planet. That sounds swell. And the whole enslavement of the human race thing along with my loving friends and family, (dead serious look) amari nai! Here's your answer, fuckface! I'll never join your sex orgy!
Audrey: You go mom!
Cree: Wow. And I thought you taught us to never swear.
Jenny: In polite conversations or in front of us. This is the cluster. That's free game.
Cluster bot: Alas, XJ9, you have saddened me. For, I was not programmed to accept no for an answer.
Sheldon: And therefore, you must die!
[The cluster bot aims his lasers at XJ9, ensuing a fight]
Cluster bot: Resistance is futile, XJ9!
Blum: That is a stereotype to many a robot.
Jenny/Jeanine: The name is Jenny, you rust bucket ublyudok!
Cluster bot: Please reconsider, XJ9. I'm not good at dealing with rejection!
Jenny/Jeanine: Then maybe you shouldn't be fighting against someone with the strength of a million and seventy men!
[XJ9 defeats the robot only for the head to rocket upwards]
TV Jenny: You've always got to squish the head. Stay here and don't touch anything!
Tuck: But, of course, we, and by we I mean Brad, disobeys an order.
TV Tuck: Totally. That cluster drone was all "brrr, rut, tut, tut, tut." But then Jenny was all, "vroom, vroom, vroom."
Tuck: Why did I make mouth sounds?
Brad: Because you were a kid.
Tuck: Missing the point, as usual. I mean, why did I allow myself to say these things like some uncultured ham!
TV Brad: Hmm. You know, Tuck, with all these parts, we could make our fort 100 times cooler than the last one.
TV Tuck: (with a lot of common sense) But Jenny specifically said not to touch–
[Tuck presses mute and abridges the entire scene]
Tuck: Ten-hut! Who is the biggest douchebag in this platoon!
TV Tuck: (deflated) You are, sir.
Tuck: And who happens to touch unsupervised tech that Jenny said not to be near like a 5 year old is told not to touch the lit stovetop by his gorgeous mother!?
TV Tuck: (deflated) You are, sir.
Tuck: Good! Now, use these semi-active machine parts to make me a snow fort while I continue to act like some brainless sidekick in the near future.
Brad: (sarcastically clapping) Nice, Tuck, real nice.
Tuck: It's what happened in the episode. Any fanboy watching this can make a joke like that with a snappier delivery. And there I go, checking the surroundings while ignoring the semi-active machine parts as they reassemble into the clusterbot.
TV Brad: Hey, Tuck, what's up with that?
Brad: Hey, young me. Have you not noticed the reassembled parts?
TV Brad: That fort was great the way it was. Put it back right now.
Brad: Seriously, young me. The giant robot has your brother. That is more important than some dumb snow fort!
Audrey: This is why I listen to my older siblings.
Blum: This is why we stick together, Audrey.
TV Tuck: (mind controlled) This mind is puny but it will do until I am complete.
TV Brad: Quit kidding around, Tuck
Audrey: Um, Uncy Brad?
TV Tuck: (mind controlled) Silence, mortal. This human brain has some specific memories of you. You are not the boss of me now.
TV Brad: (trembling) H-h-hold on a sec, there, tuck, little buddy. Aren't you tired of playing army? How about we play a nice game of dominos or gin rummy or ch-chinese checkers?
Sandy: I'd love to play any of those games if Norio or Masako didn't make it frustrating.
Cree: And then there's Doreck's mastery of backgammon.
Eartha: You know, it's because of Doreck's mastery that I have to wear a nightguard.
Moira: Well, that's miniscule compared to my all night chess match with Recarrdi.
Tuck: Chris Recarrdi is dead, Moira.
Moira: No, my brother, Recarrdi Wakeman. My mom named my brother after him in his memory.
Tuck: Oh. What is it about him that was frustrating? I mean, it's just chess.
Moira: Regular chess is for beginners, uncle. This was 4th dimensional chess and Recarrdi kept upping my game every turn.
TV Tuck: Silence, soldier. We have ways of dealing with deserters. Build me a snow fort.
[Pteresa and Jenny slap their heads out of disappointment]
Pteresa: Just like Gremory.
Jenny: Just like Norio.
TV Brad: Another snow fort? Give me a break, Tuck. You can't make me build-
TV Tuck: You will do it, and you will like it! And make it a nice one with plenty of closet space.
Tuck: Seriously, young me.
Jenny: Exactly like Norio. Except he's not begging for lobster.
Cluster bot: Ah, much better. But what's this? Oh, yes, the earthling companion. XJ9 seems fond of you. Perhaps she would like you as a pet once she relocates to the cluster home world.
Lenny: Also, unlike the sisters, this cluster bot isn't a CGI suit. He's what happens when early 3-D computer graphics meet a very crude, barely moving puppet. If you're looking for the wires, there's a reason why we switch to the brothers and Jenny in every scene.
TV Jenny: Hey, humpty dumpty. You're pretty good at putting your pieces back together again. Let's see how you do re-assembling your molecules.
Cluster bot: You sure you want to do that, XJ9? It might not be too comfortable for your friends.
Jeanine: (shocked) What are you guys doing in there?
TV Tuck: Jenny, Jenny, wait, I have an idea.
Blum: (sing-songy) Foreshadowing.
TV Jenny: I can't believe you two. Didn't I ask you not to touch anything?
Tuck: And we lied! Sorry.
Cluster bot: So a truce, XJ9? Shall we shake on it?
Audrey: Shake on my mom's fists!
[XJ9 fights the robot while dodging his attacks]
TV Tuck: Jenny, come back. Come back, Jenny. Oh, good, you're back. Now, listen.
Jeanine: Sorry, Tuck! Busy!
TV Tuck: No, wait, Jenny. Listen to . . . me.
TV Brad: What are you doing, Tuck? Keep your head down. You could get hurt.
ShelJen kids: Speak for yourself, doofus!
TV Brad: Let Jenny handle this. She's a highly-trained superhero. She can take care of herself.
TV Tuck: No one ever listens to me.
Tuck: Ironic, isn't it.
Cluster bot: Do not worry, XJ9. On Cluster Prime, you will be treated like a hero. And your friends- well, your friends, not so much.
TV Brad: Cluster prime? But I don't want to be a house pet. Collars give me a rash.
Audrey: Whiny!
TV Tuck: You know, I learned all kinds of interesting things while I was one with the robot. Here's one tiny tidbit: He's got an off button right on his back.
[The button is revealed]
Cast: Planned contrivance!
Brad: This is one, if not, a series of contrivances that, according to Rob, the executives put in certain episodes whenever they felt like it.
[XJ9 corners the robot and spooks it]
Jenny: Boo!
Cluster bot: Ahh!
[Button clicks and the robot is defeated]
TV Brad: Tuck, it worked. The drone is paralyzed.
TV Jenny: You did it, Tuck. You defeated the cluster.
TV Brad: Wow, nice going, Tuck. I knew you had it in you.
Tuck: (sarcastic) Sure you do, brother.
TV Brad: Now, tell me how to open the escape hatch. So we can get out of here. You know how to open it, don't you, Tuck? You know all about this drone, right, Tuck? Tuck?
TV Tuck: That's commander Tuck to you, private.
TV Brad: Uh, Tuck, what are you doing? Can we save play time for after we're out of here?
Blum: Just play along, uncle. Things will go south unless you play it cool.
TV Tuck: I guess you don't want to get out of here very bad. Do you, soldier?
TV Brad: Ha, ha, very funny. Now take off my hat.
TV Tuck: This? This is the spoils of war, you traitor!
Moira: Oh great. Not again.
Audrey: This is Norio all over again.
Jenny: I'm not serving you lobster after what you did!
TV Brad: Traitor? Listen, Tuck.
TV Tuck: That's commander Tuck.
TV Brad: You listen, you little grunt. You'd better stop fooling-
TV Tuck: Insubordination. You'll be court-martialed for this, private!
[TV Jenny sighs in disappointment as the episode ends]
Sheldon: Well, those were interesting episodes. I became a part of the main cast and we are introduced to the Cluster arc. Nice.
Jenny: I just wished we introduced you with that backstory then perhaps the fanbase would be accepting rather than backstabbing.
Jeanine: I mean, people who watch this commentary, it's just a TV show, don't be so uppity!
Tuck: Especially those who think my brother should've married Jenny. You do not want to incur the wrath of his wife.
Brad: Oh, I doubt Melody can be that threatening.
Lenny: Remember the photo accident?
Brad: Misunderstanding.
Monroe: Really? Because there was the fanboy who lost an eye from your wife.
Brad: That is a rumor and nothing else.
Tuck: Well, to be honest, it was a rumor involving Jeanine and a screwdriver. But even that's misleading. As for the snow episode, this is the only chance I'm given any form of intelligence besides hamfisted contrivances.
Sheldon: Well, we got to continue with this commentary. So, let's watch the next episode.
Jenny: Next time!
Jeanine: On this thing!
ShelJen kids: That we're doing!
End of Chapter 3