A/N: I wasn't sure why this idea came to mind so suddenly; this idea of a holiday touched by grief and anguish that so many go through…but then I realized that I started writing fics (in a different fandom) 14 years ago because I was working through my grief for a loved one at the holidays…and now, all these years later, I'm grieving once again for the recent loss of a friend. So, this story may be tinged with sadness, but it was one that needed to be told since my characters insisted on it…and just maybe it's the outlet I need too just like the last time.

Chapter 1

November 20, 1987

Johanna had been settled in at her desk for barely an hour after lunch when Sharon poked her head in the door. "Your mother is on line one," her secretary had told her.

She nodded, her stomach knotting a little as she did so. Her father had been gone for two months…two months exact that very day and she was still flinching at unexpected phone calls; clearly still expecting bad health updates or that call to come say goodbye although those times were past now. She hesitated as she reached for the phone, the light catching on her emerald ring. When Frank McKenzie had died, she had been numb…grief hadn't seemed to come quickly like it should have. She had just been utterly numb…and hated herself for it just as much as her brother had when he had called her a heartless bitch for not crying. If he only knew how much she had been hating herself for the fact that the tears hadn't come easily. It had taken six weeks and the reading of the will for tears to finally come with his final slap in the face to her…for the wall she had kept grief behind to crumble and fall at her feet. It was still there now, a mere two weeks later…that deep well of grief, of unanswered questions and what felt like unresolved feelings that would never be resolved now. There was helping Katie through her grief; telling her it was okay to cry on her birthday because her grandfather wouldn't be there…trying to give her the best birthday party she could despite the sadness lingering across their family. Some days she felt like she was holding it together…other days, she felt like she had a head full of cobwebs as the weight of the year so far pressed down upon her. Now Thanksgiving was a little less than a week away and it was hard to think of that empty place that would be at the table…that he wouldn't be there demanding more rolls…declaring that he didn't know how she was his daughter because she didn't care for pumpkin pie as he ate his second slice. He wouldn't be preparing his outdoor holiday decoration display to compete with the neighbor, promising Katie that his favorite snowman would be on the porch when she got there for dinner. It felt like it was going to be the hardest Thanksgiving of her life and part of her was dreading it.

Johanna took a breath, shaking off those cobwebs as she picked up the phone and pressed the button to connect to her mother's call. "Hello?" she said, hoping she hadn't taken too long to answer.

"I take from the time it took you to answer that you're busy," Naomi stated.

"I'm sorry, I just had to mark a place in this file I was working on," Johanna lied; not wanting to tell her that she had been lost in the swirl in her head for a moment.

"It's fine," her mother replied. "I figured I was lucky to catch you in the office anyway."

"I try to let you know when I'm going to be in court," she replied, a feeling of weariness creeping over her at her mother's tone. "Is something wrong?"

"No; but I want you and Jim to come to dinner tonight. Don't bring Katie."

Her brow furrowed. "You don't want me to bring Katie?"

"No; and I've told your brother and sister the same thing; no kids."

"Why?"

"Because I only want the adults here, I have things to discuss and I don't want children in the room."

"Mom…you're not sick are you?" she asked; worry making her stomach churn.

"No! I just want a child free meal, is that too much to ask?"

"No…but I don't know what I'm supposed to do with Katie; it's not like I can just leave her home by herself and if she knows we're coming to your house, she's going to want to come too. She hasn't seen you in weeks."

"Tell her you and Jim are going to a work-related dinner or something," Naomi suggested. "As for what to do with her, I'm sure you can find a babysitter; you have in-laws and friends; surely someone will take her for awhile."

"So you want me to pick her up from school, make her dinner and then dump her off somewhere…when usually you throw holy fits if I leave her somewhere for an hour when she's been in school all day."

"Johanna, I am not arguing with you. Find a sitter and be here, I'm not taking any excuses from any of you tonight. So do what you need to do and be here at six; do you understand?"

"Yes, Mother," she said, her tone firm as she tried to hold on to the thread of patience she had left. "I'll be there, if I can't find someone to take Katie, I'll just come alone and Jim will have to stay home with her."

"Fine," Naomi replied. "I'll let you get back to your work now."

She sighed softly. "I'll see you tonight, I love you," she told her mother, but all she got in response was the sound of the line disconnecting. That seemed to be how all of her phone calls ended with her mother lately; with her expressing their usual end of call affection and her mother merely hanging up. Visits were the same way, no more goodbye hugs or terms of endearment. Her father's death had turned her mother cold…and she kept trying to break through the ice, trying to be there to help her with whatever it was she needed, but she couldn't get through and she didn't know what to do.

Another sigh crossed Johanna's lips as she reached for the phone once more, debating who to call first, her husband or try to find a sitter for Katie. Maybe she better call Jim first she reasoned, just to make sure he didn't have anything that would delay him in getting home. She dialed his number, closing her eyes as the line rang until Sally answered and put the call through.

"Did you miss me already?" Jim asked warmly as his voice floated across the line.

"Always," she replied, a small smile touching her lips as she thought of the lunch date they had managed to have that afternoon. "But it's not about that."

"What's up?" he asked, seriousness creeping into his tone.

"Are you going to have anything that delays you in getting home tonight?"

"No, why?"

"Because Mom called, she wants us over for dinner…but we can't bring Katie."

"Why?"

"She doesn't want kids there," Johanna replied. "She's told Frankie and Colleen the same thing."

"What's this about?"

"I don't know, honestly," she said with a soft huff of breath. "She said she has things to discuss. I'm going to have to see if I can get your mother to watch Katie…I hate to do that when she's been taking her after school so much the last few months when I had to…" she trailed off.

"She doesn't mind," Jim told her, knowing she was referring to the days she had spent going to her mother's to help with Frank for an hour or two after work. His mother had volunteered to pick Katie up from school and keep her until one of them got home and she was still picking her up on her usual days and when Johanna had court later in the day.

"I know but I don't want her to feel like I'm abusing her generosity."

"Do you want me to call and ask?" he offered.

"No, I'll do it. I'll explain why. If she's busy, I'll have to ask someone else, although I don't know who. I know Sharon has plans. It's Friday so I'm sure Angie is probably going out with friends. I'd be willing to pay Alicia to watch her but you know Natalie's favorite line, she's too young, although she'll be fourteen next month…and Natalie would be in the house with them. I guess my only other option will be Maggie…or, worst case scenario, I'll have to go by myself and you'll have stay home with Katie."

"Call back if you can't get someone," Jim told her. "Maybe I can convince Maddy to come over with her for an hour or two."

Johanna scoffed. "You know Madelyn isn't going to do it."

"You're probably right…maybe Antonio and Isabel could take her; she could play with Eva."

"That's a better option," she replied. "Let me call your mother and I'll let you know what's going on."

"Alright, sweetheart; I love you."

"I love you too," she replied before disconnecting the call and dialing her mother-in-law's phone number.

"Hello," Elizabeth answered.

"Are you busy?"

"No, I just got through cleaning upstairs," her mother-in-law answered. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong…that I know of, but are you busy this evening?"

"No."

"I hate to ask you this but can you take Katie for a little while this evening?"

"Why would you hate to ask me that?"

"Because I feel like I've been abusing you the last few months," Johanna replied. "You were getting her from school nearly every day there toward the end of Dad's life, you're still getting her after school on your usual days and on days when I'm in court late in the afternoon. I just…I feel bad…and my mother is always accusing me of dumping her off all the time…"

"You don't dump her off all the time," Elizabeth stated. "You had a family issue to deal with for awhile so of course your attention had to be more divided; there's no blame for that. We've had this discussion before…in fact we've had it a few times in the eight years Katie's been here. When are you going to stop letting your mother shame you about having a job?"

"I don't know," she admitted, emotion leaking into her voice. "It's hard to ignore when you feel like you're doing the best you can to be the best mother you can be but your own mother occasionally implies that you're lacking at it."

"She's wrong," Elizabeth stated. "Katie is loved by her parents; you're both there for her every single day and she's well taken care of. Please, for once in your life, believe someone else's mother over your own."

"I'm trying, Liz."

"I know," she said softening her tone. "You're having a rough year. Are you and Jimmy going out for awhile tonight?"

"Yeah…to my mother's."

"Oh, Johanna; no disrespect to your mother, but I think you and Jimmy would have a nicer time if you went somewhere else. No one can say that you haven't been there for your mother in her time of need…it's time you start taking some time for yourself so you can start feeling a little better."

"Going over there tonight wasn't my idea," she replied. "It was a demand by my mother…she's invited my siblings as well and stipulated that we're not to bring our children."

"What's that all about?"

"I don't know…part of me is afraid to know. She says she's not sick…."

"But demands to come home so soon after the loss of one parent probably makes you sick to your stomach," Elizabeth remarked.

"Yeah, it does."

"Do you want me to get Katie from school for you today so you can just do what you need to do?"

"No," Johanna replied. "She wouldn't know it was going to be you instead of me and she'd probably think something was wrong. I'll get her and take her home, get her something to eat while we wait on Jim to get home."

"Are you eventually going to be getting trouble for leaving earlier than usual to get her from school on your mother's days?"

"No one has said anything so far…and like you said, some of those days you get her because I'm in court so hopefully it'll continue to be fine; I can do paperwork and read files at home so as long as appointments don't run over, I do okay time wise."

"What time will you be bringing her over?"

"I guess around five-thirty. We're supposed to be there at six…I'm hoping Jim will slip out of the office a little early since it's Friday so we won't feel so rushed."

"If she has any homework, send it over with her and I'll help her with it," Elizabeth stated.

Johanna smiled. "She hates when I make her do her homework on Friday…she just doesn't believe me when I tell her it's better that way so she has her whole weekend free from school work."

Elizabeth laughed. "Well she's stubborn like her father; but send it with her anyway…I like seeing how things have changed in the school books from when my kids went."

"I'll send it with her if she has any…and don't let Robert tell her she doesn't have to do it like he did the last time."

"Oh believe me, he won't get away with that again," she said firmly. "He knows I was furious with him for pretending he was watching her do it when really he had put it away while I was washing dishes."

"He thinks I'm being mean having her do her work after school on Fridays," Johanna commented. "But I just want her to be able to enjoy all of her weekend instead of spending Sunday evening having to do worksheets."

"You're not being mean; I agree with you, get it done and then it's out of the way for the weekend. I know Jimmy agrees with it too; he's told Robert as much. So don't worry about what he thinks…and listen, sometime soon, you bring Katie over while you and Jimmy go out for awhile, or even leave her overnight. You need to get out of the house for awhile, Johanna…you'll feel better if you start taking back some time for yourself."

"It's just a bad time of year for that," she replied. "All of this with Dad…my nephew's birthday party got delayed, and then we had my niece's birthday, Katie's birthday, now Thanksgiving is coming…Christmas. Everything is just…constant chaos right now."

"Make time," her mother-in-law told her. "The holidays are going to be hard for you this year with the loss of your father being so recent, there's no denying that…but you have to make time."

"I'll try," she murmured.

"Alright, I'm going to remind you of that. I'll see you this evening."

"Thank you."

"Any time."

Johanna hung up the phone, checking her watch as she did so; there weren't any appointments on the schedule for the rest of the afternoon but she did need to get more work done on her newest case before her day was over; but first she needed to call Jim back and tell him his mother was onboard. Before she could pick up the phone, Sharon's voice came across the intercom. "Your brother is on line one now."

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply before picking up the phone. "Hello?"

"Did Mom call you?" Frankie asked.

"Yes; I just got off the phone with Elizabeth, asking if she'd take Katie for awhile this evening so I can go over there."

"What the hell is going on?" her brother asked.

"I don't know, Frankie," she sighed. "And to tell you the truth, I'm afraid to know."

He was quiet for a moment before responding. "Me too."

"She said she's not sick…but I don't know what to think."

"I don't understand why we can't bring the kids…she hasn't seen the kids in weeks. She didn't come to Greg's party. She didn't go to Lindsey's party. She didn't go to Katie's. I just…I thought she'd want her grandkids around…I thought it would help her."

"Me too, but every time I say I'll bring Katie over to see her, she makes an excuse of why I can't."

"She does the same thing to us. I even asked her the other night if Claire and Trevor could come over with her while we went to Greg's basketball game but she said no, take them with us. We didn't have a problem with that…I had just thought maybe she could spend some time with them since its been awhile."

"I get it," she replied. "Katie asks to see her and I hate putting her off about it…and I always have to lie because I don't want her to think her grandmother doesn't want her around."

"I know; we do the same thing," Frankie said quietly. "Greg said the other night he feels like he's lost both of his grandparents because Grandma isn't around anymore."

"I think all of her grandchildren are starting to feel that way. I've been going over on lunch breaks and she told me two days ago to quit coming over, she didn't need me…and then she calls and tells me to find a babysitter, no excuses, be at dinner."

"I went over the other day, I wanted to check her oil and all before winter sets in too much and she got mad, told me she didn't need me checking her car," Frankie remarked.

"I know she's been…mean…to say the least to Colleen lately too. She called me the other night crying because she had called Mom to ask her something about something she was trying to make for dinner and she said Mom told her she might know how to do something if she hadn't spent most of her life playing dumb."

"Mom's the one who babied her and never made her do anything," Frankie replied. "It's kind of late to blame her now when she was the enabler."

"I agree…I just don't know what to do…and I don't know what this thing tonight is about."

"I guess we'll find out in a few hours," Frankie remarked. "Although like you, I'm not sure I want to know. I've got to get back to work and I'm sure you do too, I'll see you tonight."

Johanna said goodbye and disconnected the line before quickly dialing Jim's number to tell him she had a sitter lined up. She needed to get back to work…but she had a feeling it would be difficult to keep her mind focused on it.

"What do you want for dinner, Katie?" Johanna asked later that afternoon as she unlocked the back door.

"Can we order pizza?" Katie asked as she moved into the kitchen and dropped her purple backpack by the door before shrugging out of her coat and dropping it to the floor as well.

"Not tonight, Baby," she replied with a sigh. She would've been all for an easy option for dinner if it hadn't been for her mother's unexpected demand. She picked up Katie's coat and hung it on the hook.

"Why not?"

"Because Daddy and I have to go out for awhile, so I'm going to make dinner for you and then you're going to go over with Grammy for a little bit," Johanna told her as she hung up her coat and purse.

"Do you have to go?" Katie asked.

"Yes, I'm sorry…believe me, I didn't plan on going out tonight. But listen, since we can't order pizza tonight, I promise we'll do it tomorrow for dinner, okay?"

"Am I spending the night with Grammy?"

"No, honey, we'll be back to get you tonight; it shouldn't be too long. Grammy said to bring your homework and she'll help you with it."

"But it's Friday," Katie stated with a pout.

"I know it's Friday, but we're going to get it done."

"Ashley does her homework on Sunday."

"Well I don't care what Ashley does," Johanna replied. "I said you're doing yours on Friday and then you don't have to worry about it; you get to enjoy your whole weekend without worrying about homework."

"I want to do it on Sunday like my friends do," Katie said stubbornly.

Johanna turned away from the counter to eye her. "Katie, we are not going to have this argument every single week. I am your mother; I said homework gets done on Fridays and that's final."

"I don't have homework," she replied.

"Oh really?" Johanna asked as she moved toward the back door to pick up the discarded backpack. "Let's see about that."

Johanna unzipped the backpack and took out Katie's lunch box and then took out the colorful Lisa Frank folder that was designated for homework that needed to be done. She opened it, finding worksheets for math and geography, a new list of spelling words, and a worksheet for a new reading unit. "Oh look, you do have homework," she said as she eyed her daughter. "Did you really think you could lie to me about it?"

Katie shrugged. "Sorry."

"Mhmm…I know you think you should do everything the way your friends do, Katie; but I like for you to have your work done on Friday so you know it's done and we don't have to spend Sunday night having a fight about getting it done when you want to be watching TV; because I'm sure you remember that we tried that last year and you didn't want to do it on Sundays either which is why we now do it on Friday. It doesn't take long to do it; now if you want to go ahead and start on it while I make you dinner, that's fine, or you can wait and do it with Grammy…but we're doing it tonight, okay?"

Her daughter glared at her. "I'll do it Sunday."

Johanna's eyes narrowed. "I'll tell you what, Katie; if you don't do it tonight, then it's up to you to do it Sunday, I'm not going to remind you…and if you forget, you'll have to pay the consequences when you get to school and don't have your work done…and then when the teacher calls me and asks why you didn't do your homework, you won't be watching TV all week. How does that sound?"

"I don't care."

"Remember that when you don't get to watch Full House," Johanna remarked as she threw the folder back into the backpack. "In fact, I think we'll skip watching it tonight when we get home since you want to back talk today."

"But it's going to be Thanksgiving on there tonight!" Katie exclaimed.

"That's a shame. What do you want for dinner?"

"Nothing," she said, her face crumbling as tears began to spill down her cheeks.

Johanna sighed and moved to the table to sit down so she could be eye to eye with her daughter as she pulled her toward her. "Listen," she told her. "You need to stop worrying so much about what your friends do. It's okay for you to do things differently; there are probably things you do that they don't and that's okay because everybody is different and everyone has different rules to follow. Lately, every day, you and I have to fight about getting your homework done, especially on Fridays…and it needs to stop, Katie. You know you have to do it, so instead of wasting your energy on fighting me about it, just do it and get it done, honey. Once it's done, you have the rest of the evening to do what you want, and when you're constantly arguing about it, you're using up that time. Now it needs to stop; when I tell you to do your homework, do it and we won't have these problems, okay?"

Katie sniffled. "If I do my homework now, can I watch Full House?"

She wanted to make a deal, Johanna thought to herself; she could work with that. "Yes, if you do your homework, you can watch Full House…and that same deal is going to be in effect next week and the week after that; if you don't do your homework, no Full House…do we have a deal?"

"Yes, Mommy," she sniffled.

Johanna gave her a small smile at the sound of the name; 'Mommy' was starting to fade from her vocabulary, it was mainly only heard at home now. She knew the day was coming soon when she'd permanently switch to 'Mom', but for now, she was cherishing the 'mommy' when it came. She tugged her into her arms for a hug. "Don't cry," she told her. "You'll get to watch your show tonight."

"Will you be home in time?" Katie asked as she curled into her embrace.

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"I promise we'll be home in time to watch it together," Johanna replied. "We'll even have popcorn, okay?"

"Okay."

Johanna pulled away, wiping her daughter's face as she did so. "I know schoolgirls get moody sometimes…just like I do…but is anything bothering you that you want to tell me about?"

She frowned a little, more tears welling in her eyes. "I miss Grandpa."

"Oh, baby, I know," she told her. "I know it's hard right now, especially with the holidays coming…"

"Everyone's talking about seeing their grandmas and grandpas for Thanksgiving," Katie cried. "And my Grandpa is in heaven now…I know I have another Grandpa but I miss Grandpa Frank…and I miss Grandma because I don't see her anymore and last night I dreamed that she died too."

"I know you're missing your Grandpa…I miss him too…and it's hard to think of him not being here, especially with Thanksgiving coming. It's okay to even feel a little jealous of other people getting to be with their grandparent when you can't have yours. It's okay…and I know it's hard, baby; it's hard for me too…but Grandpa loved you so very much and I know that even though you're sad, he wants you to have a good Thanksgiving and a good Christmas…he wants you to play with your cousins and have fun like always. It's hard right now, but in time, we'll start to feel better again and that's what he wants for us."

"Is he watching over us?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes, honey, he's watching over us and he's always in your heart."

Katie sniffled. "What about Grandma? I dreamed she went to heaven too."

She shook her head. "Nothing has happened to Grandma. Why didn't you come and wake me up when you had that bad dream, sweetheart?"

"Cause that's what babies do."

"No, it isn't…you're never too old to need someone to make you feel better after a bad dream. When I have bad dreams, I wake Daddy up and he makes it better and you can always come and wake us up too when you have a bad dream. I know you're a big girl who just turned eight a few days ago…but honey, you can always come and wake us up for bad dreams, or you're not feeling good, or you just need me, okay? It's not like we're going to go to school and tell your friends."

Katie smiled a little. "I know."

"I'm sure they still need their mother in the middle of the night too sometimes. As for Grandma, I know you haven't seen her and it upsets you…it upsets me too…but she's very very sad right now and she's not up to having much company. She still loves you as much as always and hopefully soon you'll get back to seeing her more often. Grandma's having a hard time; so we just have to be patient and try to give her what she needs and right now that's a little bit of space even though it makes us sad."

"She'll feel better soon?"

"I hope so," Johanna murmured. "Are you feeling any better now that you've told me what's on your mind?"

Katie nodded. "I feel a little better."

"You know you can always tell me about it."

"I know…but I didn't want you to be sad about Grandpa."

"Baby, right now, I can't avoid being sad about him…it's just how it is right now. I always want to know when something is bugging you, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now can you tell me what you want for dinner?"

"Mac and Cheese," Katie answered.

"What do you want with it?"

"Some nuggets."

"Okay, and how about a vegetable since we're definitely going to have pizza and breadsticks tomorrow?"

Katie thought for a moment. "What kind of vegetable?"

"Whichever one you want."

"No peas."

"I wouldn't dare," Johanna laughed. "How about some broccoli?"

"I only like it with cheese on it…and I'm having mac and cheese."

"Good point…how about a little bit of corn?"

Katie nodded. "Yeah, that would be better."

"Okay, good deal," she said before kissing her daughter's forehead and rising from the chair.

Johanna made her way to the fridge to take the bag of nuggets out of the freezer, watching from the corner of her eye as Katie went to her backpack and took out her folder and her pencil before settling down at the table. She hoped if anything came of this day, it would be that her homework battle with Katie would be over…and that whatever her mother wanted wasn't going to cause more upset...but she had that feeling in her gut that she was wrong.