Kiss the Damsel

by Captain Spock

[Slay the Princess] The Slayer is horrified when too many questions deconstruct the Damsel and closes the door between them to protect her from his perception. But the Damsel herself is drowning in guilt over killing him in a previous life. Will they be able to share their fears with each other? (What if you could kiss the Damsel?)

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This one starts after the Voice of the Smitten decides they can just slide the chain off the Damsel's wrist to free her.

The Narrator: "You approach the Princess and gingerly slide her hand from her bindings. That… shouldn't have worked. I'll be damned. We're doomed."

Voice of the Hero: "I can't believe it! But I guess I have to."

Voice of the Smitten: "I told you! There's no life more worth living than that of a true believer."

The Princess: "I'm free! And you're not trying to kill me this time! Thank you, thank you so much!"

The Narrator: "The Princess jumps up and smothers you in a joyful embrace. Eugh. If only you had a weapon. One slip of the wrist and your pristine blade would be buried in her back, and everyone out there would be saved."

Hero: "Luckily for mister romance, we don't have a weapon."

Smitten: "Who needs a weapon when we have the power of love on our side?"

The Princess: "What do we do now?"

( "What do you want to do?")

The Narrator: "Let me guess. 'End the world?'"

Smitten: "Spoken with the rank cynicism of someone who has never felt love in His heart."

The Princess: "I… don't actually know. Nobody's ever asked me what I've wanted before."

Hero: "She doesn't even know what she wants! You may have had her all wrong. What if this whole thing is just a misunderstanding? I don't think she wants to end the world."

The Narrator: "You're so gullible! Is the only thing you've ever doubted the actual truth?"

The Princess: "I think I want to leave? And I think…"

The Narrator: "The Princess closes her eyes in deep reflection, and then she shrugs."

The Princess: "I dunno. What do you want to do?"

( "No, come on, what do you want to do? There must be something you want.")

The Princess: "I just want to make you happy!"

Hero: "She can't just want to make us happy."

Smitten: "It makes sense to me. That's all I want for her, so of course she'd want the same for us."

Hero: "Hold on, does she look… different to you?"

Smitten: "She looks every bit as gorgeous and flawless as ever."

( "But what would make you happy?")

The Princess: "I just want to make you happy!"

Hero: "Is she broken? What's going on?"

The Narrator: "What's going on is she's lying to you, only she isn't a good liar. Are you starting to trust me now?"

Hero: "No, but she's… changing?"

( "I want you to tell me what you want.")

The Princess: "I just want to make you happy!"

Hero: "This isn't right! I don't know what's going on but this isn't right!"

Smitten: "I fail to see the problem here. She's just sweet on us. You don't have to act like it's a big deal."

Hero: "But surely you can see it! She looks all… flat?"

Smitten: "Flat is hardly a word I'd use to describe our beloved. But it is easy to be overcome by her sheer beauty, perhaps it simply confuses our senses a bit."

( "Princess, what do you want?")

The Princess: "I just want to make you happy!"

Hero: "I-I think we're hurting her! Stop it!"

Smitten: "Hurting her? In what way, how are we hurting our darling?!"

Hero: "I don't know, but look at her! She's completely lost all her depth, it's like she's a cardboard cutout, it's not right! I think we're… probing into something we shouldn't? We're somehow perceiving her into something else."

Smitten: "I didn't think our darling Princess could ever be anything less than perfect, but… I have to admit you're right, a change has come over her, and if this is something we're doing to her, we need to protect her from ourselves immediately! If our interactions harm her, we need to stop talking, and if it is our perception, we need to tear our eyes away from her, difficult though it may be!"

( "I want you to leave here. Immediately.")

The Princess: "If that's what makes you happy!"

The Narrator: "You and the Princess walk to the stairs in silence, the flickering light from the torches illuminating only casting flat shadows on the Princess. Please tell me you're not going through with this, even you have by now realised there's something fishy going on."

Hero: "Try not to look at her too much, we don't want to make it worse… Although I also kind of wanna see if she's as flat from the side as she looks…"

Smitten: "Our darling is not to be experimented upon! Protect her from further harm."

( "Ladies first.")

The Narrator: "The Princess giggles at your curtsy and ascends the stairs ahead of you."

Hero: "Her feet don't poke out from under her dress, it's like she's just hovering up the stairs. I think we really did do something awful to her…"

Smitten: "Be strong, beloved, soon you shall be free from our harmful presence, though you shall always remain in our heart."

The Narrator: "The Princess walks through the door, then instantly flips around to look at you."

( [Close the door behind her])

The Narrator: "You slam the door shut between you and let it fall in its lock. You hear a little gasp from the other side."

The Princess: "Oh no, my hero, the door closed before you could leave! What do we do now?"

( "It's okay, you just go ahead and leave the cabin, I'll be right behind you.")

The Princess: "...Are you sure? I do want to leave, but I want to leave with you."

( "It's fine, go, leave this place. I'll…")

Smitten: "...miss you so much, my darling… But it's better if we cannot harm you further."

Hero: "Hey, uh, it's… gonna be okay. We're doing the right thing, letting her go."

Smitten: "I know, but my heart will never cease to cry out for her, our one true love who we are destined to be separated from!"

Hero: "There, there. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but there's plenty of fish in the sea, and some of those fish hopefully won't turn out to be flatfish."

The Narrator: "Actually, there are about to be no more fish and no more sea when the Princess ends the existence of both. You hear a sequence of thumps, and then you hear the Princess make a strained noise."

The Princess: "I… can't leave! The door is locked! That's not fair!"

Hero: "Did you lock us in?"

The Narrator: "Well, whoever locked the outside door must have had the interests of the entire world at heart. Quite unlike you, I might add."

( "It's okay, Princess. You can just climb out the window, it should be big enough.")

The Princess: "Oh. Okay… If that's what makes you happy…"

The Narrator: "You hear some shuffling and straining noises, an 'oof', and a sigh."

The Princess: "I don't see glass in the window but it's like it's there anyway. I can't leave. What do we do now?"

Hero: "Shit, we are locked in! What do we do now, think…"

The Narrator: "You sit down on the stairs, the closed door your backrest. The gentle light of the flickering torches illuminates your hands as you rest your head in them. You feel the door gently buckle against its lock and your back."

The Princess: "My hero, are you alright in there?"

( "I'm fine. I just have some things I need to take care of here first. Uh, the torches need to be snuffed out, things like that. Just… Keep trying to leave? You can probably unlock the door somehow.")

The Princess: "I will try, my hero, but the only tool here i-is… that knife I used to stab and kill you. I-I can try using it on the lock…"

Smitten: "I believe in her. I believe she can open any door if she truly wants to."

The Narrator: "No, don't be so deluded, she is simply a weak Princess with no door-opening skills at all. Regardless… Ah, good, you don't hear the sound of a door opening. You hear some noises, some thumps, the sound of metal scraping on metal, and a few non-verbal vocalisations."

Smitten: "Were those… sobs? Oh, our beloved is in turmoil."

Hero: "I hate to say it, but I'm… not even sure she's capable of that. They could've just been grunts of exertion or frustration."

Smitten: "Do not think that just because we have only ever seen the Princess smile in our presence since we returned here she is incapable of emotional depth! I'm certain there must be vast wells of emotion behind her large, shimmering eyes."

The Princess: "I-I'm sorry, I can't open it! I can't even open a door for you…"

The Narrator: "There's a clatter of metal hitting the stone floor and then you once again feel the door at your back thump and shift. With a click, the lock opens, but your weight leaning against the door keeps it firmly closed."

Hero: "Good thing the door opens to the inside, I don't know how she opened the lock that easily but at least we're keeping her safe from us. It… did always open to the inside, right?"

The Narrator: "You hear something soft slide down the door's surface and sit down on its other side with a fluffy thump."

Smitten: "What a cruel fate, imprisoned together, yet separated from our beloved by nothing but a thick wooden door. Yet separated we must remain."

The Princess: "What should we do now?"

The Narrator: "Her voice sounds small, sad, and tired."

( "I… don't know.")

Hero: "We're imprisoned in the cabin. The only thing we can do is keep leaning against this door so the Princess can't get to us and be even more hurt. I'd really hate to see what would become of her if we spent any more time with her…"

Smitten: "Then that is our heroic duty. It's not much, I would have dearly liked to give her more… but at least the upper floor is a more pleasant prison than the basement. And she is no longer shackled."

The Princess: "My hero, can I help you with the things you need to do?"

( "No, thanks.")

The Narrator: "Time passes in silence. On the torch-lit stairs, it's impossible to tell how much. The only sounds you can hear are the occasional crackle of the flames, your own heart, and your own breathing. You and the Princess just wait, each sitting on one side of the door. In the end, she is the one to break the silence."

The Princess: "I-I don't mean to hurry you or anything, please take all the time you need, my hero, but… how much longer do you think the things you need to do will take?"

( "I don't know.")

The Princess: "Maybe… I-I'm sorry for asking, but would it be possible for you to do them with the door open? It's just that I think I-I'd rather look at you than at that blade on the ground…"

Smitten: "The blade… it's the very blade she was forced to stab us with. Of course she has bad memories of it, of course she would be unhappy to see it."

Hero: "And yet there's nowhere else she can go."

( "I'm sorry, the door really needs to stay closed.")

The Princess: "Okay… If that's… if that's what makes you happy…"

The Narrator: "More time passes in silence. You swear you can feel the Princess's warmth through the door, though it's likely simply your own back heating up the wood. The torches flicker and the shadows dance. Eventually, the Princess breaks the silence once again."

The Princess: "Hey, um. There's a little window in this door. Maybe we could just… look through it and talk face to face for a little while? U-unless you're too busy, of course…"

Smitten: "What I wouldn't give to get just a glimpse of her perfect face…"

Hero: "It's starting to feel so lonely… But you know we can't. What if it made her even worse? She was almost flat already."

Smitten: "I know… I just wish it was different… She must be so lonely too. We were supposed to rescue her and all we did was slightly improve her jail while somehow removing her third dimension."

( "I'm sorry, I can't…")

The Princess: "O-okay…"

The Narrator: "The torches flicker. You hear the Princess shift and shuffle about and then finally stand up."

The Princess: "Actually, I'm sorry but… I-I miss you. Please, my hero, come to the window. Just for a moment, I-I just want to see your face again…"

The Narrator: "You brace yourself against the wood."

Smitten: "Did you… notice she just told us what she wanted? What if we got her all wrong? Perhaps it's not so necessary to isolate ourselves from her."

Hero: "Look, if she's somehow getting better that's great, but what if we just make her worse again by looking at her and talking to her? We can't risk it."

( "I can't.")

The Narrator: "You hear the Princess sit back down."

The Princess: "Okay…"

The Narrator: "Silence falls over your prison. For a little while, at least."

The Princess: "No… actually, please, I have to see you… Andand maybe… Maybe you could just help me with the front door? I-I think we could open it if we worked together! Won't you please come to the little window?"

The Narrator: "Her voice comes from above you now. You glance up to see the gem-encrusted tip of a crown in the window. You certainly could see her face if you stood up."

( "No. I'm sorry. Please, just sit down...")

The Princess: "B-but… Okay…"

The Narrator: "The Princess's crown disappears from the window and when her voice comes again, it's much further down, and much quieter."

The Princess: "Are you… afraid of me?"

Smitten: "What? Oh no, no no no, beloved, don't think things like that! None could fear someone as lovely as you."

( "Of course not, I could never fear you.")

The Princess: "Then… why won't you come out? Please, my hero, I'm so, so sorry, I was so scared and I just… killed you. I'm a murderer and you're my victim. I-I understand why you don't wa-want to come out."

Smitten: "No, my darling… You did what you had to! We can't let her wallow in her guilt, comfort her."

Hero: "But only through the door. We'll just make it worse if we go to her."

Smitten: "Will we? Surely a hug would help more than mere words could..."

( "Princess, you had to do it, I was possessed. I understand, and I understood back then too. It's okay.")

The Princess: "I couldn't even bw-bring myself to do it properly… I wa-wanted to make it quick for you at least, bu-but I couldn't see it through and I just… made it even wo-worse. I-I kept missing your heart be-because I couldn't bear to let it go!"

Smitten: "She's crying! She needs us, we must dry her tears, hold her tightly, tell her it's okay!"

Hero: "If we hold her tightly her she's gonna feel like a crumpling sheet of paper! Do you want to make it even worse?"

Smitten: "What if we're all wrong? What if the reason she was so unwilling to tell us her desires was this guilt over killing us? What if she just… feels guilty for being alive at all and made herself as harmless and demure as she can because anything else feels like imposing herself on us? To atone by living in service of our happiness. She sounds so much more animated, so much deeper now. She's even willing to tell us what she wants, maybe the danger has passed and we are merely isolating her cruelly."

Hero: "We can't risk it. Not when it's so easy to harm her…"

( "Hey. Hey Princess, don't cry. It's okay, it really is.")

The Princess: "It-it can't be, how cou-could killing you ever be okay?"

( "I was back on my feet very quickly, and with a sweet new Voice in my head for my trouble! It sounds like it was much worse for you.")

Hero: "I mean, it did hurt a lot… But we don't need to emphasise that to her."

The Princess: "It can't have been… Your whole chest was a bloody mess full of holes and it still took you a long time of lying on the ground in a puddle of your own blood before you died… And it was all because of me, me with th-that knife…"

Smitten: "If we must isolate her, at least tell her why. She shouldn't have to feel the blame for the situation."

( "I'm not afraid of you hurting me, I'm afraid I'll hurt you!")

The Princess: "Bu-but you wouldn't, you're my dashing hero who came to rescue me twice andand who I slo-slowly killed for it! Bwaaa!"

( "I've already hurt you. Look at yourself, Princess. You're all… weird and flat. It happened because of me, and I'm terrified of what will happen next. I'm sorry, this is my fault.")

The Narrator: "The Princess sniffs a couple times as a voice drenched in tears makes way for one full of confusion."

The Princess: "I'm… not sure what you mean? I'm definitely not flat. Andand maybe I wouldn't even mind being a bit flatter, it could be more comfortable? So I… think I'm okay?"

( "No, you're not, maybe you can't see it, maybe it even got better, but you changed. You don't know how-how horrible it was… It was like you we-weren't even a person any more.")

Hero: "We can't let those tears creep into our voice. We have to be strong. For her sake."

Smitten: "It's difficult when her emotions come through so clearly to not join her in her sorrow. There's nothing wrong with letting it all out."

The Princess: "My hero, don't cry, you didn't hurt me. Please, if that's all that's going on, open the door so I can be with you."

Hero: "Ugh, too late."

( "I can't, I won't hurt you again.")

The Princess: "Please, I just want to open the door and show you you haven't hurt me..."

( "No, don't do-do that, please.")

Smitten: "Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to just be with her for a little while? She really does sound like she's gotten over whatever it was. I… believe our darling can handle it. She's trying to step over her own fear of harming us and consequently of showing her own volition. We too can defeat our own fears."

Hero: "But our fears are real. You saw what happened to her."

The Narrator: "The Princess is quiet for a long moment. You hear her make several false starts to say something. Then she draws a breath so deep you hear it through the door."

The Princess: "I-I'm sorry, b-but… I'm not gonna let you suffer alone. I'm going to open the door now."

Hero: "Brace ourself against it!"

Smitten: "Let her in, dear fellow. It'll be okay. Trust her."

The Narrator: "You brace yourself against the door as the Princess tries to open it. Once, softly. Then a little harder. Then you hear a few rapid clacks of heels hitting the stone floor and an impact flings you back, down the stairs. You hit several of them but keep falling, all the way down to the basement landing, the carpet only softening the impacts a little. As the starlight from the basement window shines on your crumpled form, you look up the stairs, the open door framing a changed Princess. She is no longer flat, yet she doesn't look exactly like before either. She's quite short, only reaching the window in the door with the tip of her crown, and her body is sturdy, clearly chubbier than before, a fold of fat below her chin as she looks down at you. Her face bears the marks of much crying, trails of makeup running down from her eyes, past the swollen red bags underneath them. Her nose too has a reddened base, glistening in the torchlight and still a little runny after her cries."

Smitten: "Never before have I feasted my eyes on such lachrymose beauty! We should envelop her in our embrace immediately, dry her tears!"

Hero: "Oww, yeah she's very pretty, but can we focus on how we fell down the stairs first?"

The Narrator: "The Princess's determined look turns to horror and regret as she sees you crumpled in a heap at the bottom of the the stairs, fresh tears immediately springing into her eyes, her breath speeding up."

The Princess: "Oh, nonono, I-I didn't mean to- I-I hurt you again! Is-is that all I do? I-I-I'm so sorry, I-"

Smitten: "She's panicking, observe how quickly her breaths make her bosom heave. Stand up, show her we're fine."

The Narrator: "As you begin getting up, the Princess slams the door shut and stumbles back. You hear the click of the door falling into its lock again. Gingerly, you climb the stairs; bruises and scrapes the worst of your souvenirs from your tumble. You can see the Princess through the little window, huddled up in a corner, turned away from both you and the blade on the floor, her bare shoulders shaking, her dress creased from sitting on it for a long time."

Hero: "Dammit, why won't the lock open for us? When she tried the door it just clicked open!"

( "Princess, I'm okay, don't cry! Can you open the door for me?")

The Narrator: "The Princess doesn't even seem to hear you, her face buried in her hands, her body convulsing with cries and hiccoughs. I hope you see she's playing on your emotions in an attempt to get you to let her out."

Smitten: "This flimsy door shan't keep us apart any longer! Break it down and dry her tears!"

Hero: "Easy, mate, no need to scare her with a big crash or hurt ourselves. There's actually a big window in the basement we can climb out of. I… kind of forgot about it before."

( "Don't worry, I'll be right with you!")

The Narrator: "You descend the stairs again and climb out of the window. It's a little too narrow at your hips, but a bit of rotation gets both you and your tail outside. You find yourself at the foot of a small tower on top of the hill. The stone building is two storeys tall and its roof is lined with battlements, its rough stone walls overgrown with flowering ivy. A staircase around the side leads to a door on the second floor and a few metres above you is an ornate window through which you can hear the Princess's cries."

Hero: "The cabin changed from the outside too. Weird."

Smitten: "A prison far more befitting a Princess than a simple cabin. We must scale its walls, climb the ivy, and sweep our weeping beloved off her feet!"

( "I'm on my way, Princess!" [Climb the tower])

The Narrator: "Have you even noticed there's a staircase to the door? But fine, perhaps if you take this way you'll fall and the world will no longer need to worry about you freeing the Princess. You carefully climb up using the ivy and gaps between the spire's rough masonry. By all rights, the plant's narrow connective stems should not be able to hold your weight, and yet they do. You climb the few metres up to the window, where you find the Princess standing just inside, staring down at you with large eyes full of tears. She gasps when you put a hand through the empty window, convinced as she seems to be there's some sort of glass in it. She helps pull you inside with trembling hands, pulling you into a warm embrace, crying into your shoulder."

The Princess: "You shou-shouldn't have come up here… Th-there's no use and I'll just end up hurting you again… You should just go somewhere else, forget about me."

( "I could never forget you.")

Smitten: "See that little hint of a smile break through the tears, like the Sun breaking through the clouds! And yet the clouds do their best to blot it out once again."

The Princess: "Why? All I've done is hurt you…"

The Narrator: "You tenderly stroke her soft cheek and try to dry her tears. This is your reminder that the creature you're talking to will end the entire world if you let her waterworks bedazzle you."

( "You've given me so much love and hope. When you stabbed me, you made the best of a terrifying situation while badly wounded. You even trusted me enough to know it wasn't really me.")

The Princess: "But it must have hurt so much. I couldn't even do it properly, just to spare my own feelings…"

The Narrator: "Holding her short body, you pet through her hair, your hand snagging on the occasional tangle."

( "It did hurt a lot, but I came back too. It was the Narrator's fault for putting us in that situation, not yours. I forgive you. It's in the past now, we can let it go.")

The Narrator: "If my predecessor was forced to step in you clearly drove Him to it. And I have a strong suspicion how you did so. Hmm."

( "And don't worry about the thing with the stairs, I'm fine and that was pretty much my own fault for being so caught up in my own fears I wouldn't even look at you. Whatever you turned into before, I don't think that was really you, and I don't think there's danger of it happening again.")

Hero: "Yeah, she's got plenty of personality, even if the front she put up because of her guilt and fear made us think she didn't. I… think I underestimated her."

The Princess: "You said I was… flat? Hihi, my hero, if that's such a nightmare scenario to you, feel free to, um, reassure yourself I'm not…"

The Narrator: "The Princess arcs her back and pulls her shoulders back to press her, um, prominent bosom into your chest as she looks up at you with large eyes, biting her lip."

Smitten: "Oh my, I believe our darling misconstrued our meaning, but it's difficult to misconstrue hers…"

Hero: "Woah, what a view. W-we should probably explain that it wasn't about her boobs, though."

( "Uh, it was more like, your whole body turned flat and so did your personality and you were like, a weird paper cut-out of a person. It scared me a lot. But I really like seeing you've got your beautiful three-dimensional curves back.")

The Narrator: "The Princess tenderly pets your neck feathers before pulling you down a bit, giving you… hmpf, a gentle kiss."

Smitten: "Oh my, do tell us more."

The Narrator: "Do I have to? Is it not enough for you to know you were just kissed by the bringer of the apocalypse?"

Hero: "Yeah, you do. Seems like the only actually useful thing you do is describe stuff."

The Narrator: "Ugh, fine. The Princess gently tugs you down to her height, her large, shimmering eyes staring into yours. There are small laugh wrinkles at their corners, and a birthmark on the side of her drippy nose. A giddy little smile finds her thick lips as she moves forward and softly plants them on yours. It is soft, loving, full of tender affection and shared pain, a bit wet with residual tears and snot. You hold each other's lips for a while, just losing yourselves in the kiss. The Princess trembles a bit as you part, a wide smile dimpling her chubby cheeks. She sniffs and flutters her hands before throwing her arms around your waist."

The Princess: "Thank you. Thank you for everything, my hero. But what do we do now? I can't leave this place…"

The Narrator: "To demonstrate, she flattens her hand against the empty window, as if there is glass in it. You curiously wave your hand through the emptiness and immediately, the Princess's hand goes through as well."

The Princess: "Oh! We can leave together! That's perfect, that's what I wanted to do anyway, thank you thank you thank you!"

The Narrator: "The Princess begins showering you in kisses, planting them all over your chin and neck, as high as she can reach. And you will let it convince you to let her loose upon an innocent world, won't you? You've obviously already tried doing it once before, and my predecessor had to step in to stop you. Well, if it worked once, it's worth doing it again, and again, and again, until you learn your lesson and slay the Princess. You find yourself picking up the pristine blade, holding it tightly as your body raises it at her."

Smitten: "So, villain, you try your dastardly plan once more! But you should know my will is far stronger than yours, and you shan't harm a single hair on her beautiful head! We turn the blade towards ourself."

Hero: "I'd listen if I were you, he's not gonna let you get away with this! Oh no, look how scared the Princess is, she knows exactly what's going on, the way she's shivering and hyperventilating."

The Princess: "N-not again! Not again! Please! Loo-look at me, my hero, we both know this isn't you!"

The Narrator: "Stop it, stop resisting me, and turn the blade back towards the Princess!"

Smitten: "We do no such thing! We lower the blade, aiming it squarely at our chest, ready to save our beloved from ourself!"

Hero: "Wait, the Princess is putting her hands around the hilt too."

The Princess: "No, don't hurt yourself. Don't leave me here alone. P-please, I can't watch you bleed out… not again. Tu-turn it back to me."

Smitten: "What? No, my darling, what are you saying? We have to protect you from Him!"

The Narrator: "Your will falters as the Princess looks you deep in the eyes, her hair glowing, framed by starlight, her gaze shaking yet unwavering. You raise the blade once more, turning it towards her."

The Princess: "I know you want to resist Him, but having you die on my behalf was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Don't make me go through it again. I won't stab you, and I don't want you to stab yourself either. I'm not worth it."

Smitten: "No! No, beloved, you are worth a thousand deaths! We cannot- we hold the blade in place!"

Hero: "Look at her, she's so sure… She's crying, yet determined. She's… throwing her arms wide, giving us free access to her chest… A sad smile breaks through the tears."

The Princess: "It's okay, my hero. I think… it's my turn, this time. We'll see each other again in another life, remember? All I ask is that you do a better job of it than I did. A single, straight stab right to the heart, end it quickly. I… love you."

The Narrator: "Your resistance finally broken, your body stabs with all its might at the Princess, who… drops down and sidesteps you? Your momentum sends you tripping forward, right out of the large window behind her. In reflex, you reach for something to stop your fall, in the process… dropping the blade on the stone floor. Oh no. As you reach for something to hold on to, what you find is soft and warm and fleshy, covered in thin hair. The Princess's arm reaching for you. Your weight and momentum pull her through the window after you, though she grabs a hold of the windowsill with her remaining hand. She holds on to it for dear life, leaving your combined weight hanging from her."

( "I'm so sorry, that wasn't me, He possessed me again, and-")

The Princess: "I know, beloved! B-but maybe, hgn, we can talk about that when we're not… Ugh… hanging out of the window?"

Smitten: "What she did was so smart and brave! And look how strong she is to hold both our weight, even for a moment! Oh, be still, my heart!"

Hero: "R-right, yeah, she's great, but maybe we need to deal with the falling out of the window thing first? She can't hold us for long and then we'll fall and- Oh, right, actually we're on the first floor. I, uh, think we'll be fine."

( "It's okay, love, just let go and I'll catch you!")

The Narrator: "The Princess, gritting her teeth as she digs her hand into the windowsill, can't really see downward with her own body in the way."

The Princess: "Are you sure?!"

( "It's gonna be fine! It's not that deep, and it's my turn to save us now! I've got you.")

The Narrator: "The Princess lets go and you are briefly weightless as you fall down a metre or two before landing on your feet. But a mere moment later, a frilly meteor comes down, shrieking in fear as it plummets to the Earth."

Smitten: "We heroically catch her plush body in our strong arms, giving her a soft landing!"

The Narrator: "Well, you try, but she's falling with rather a lot of speed. Still, as you are knocked to the ground by the impact, you do give her a soft landing. On top of yourself."

The Princess: "AAAAH- Oof! Owie, my butt! That was- where'd you go, my hero?"

Hero: "Owww, feels like our chest just had an anvil drop on it… and now we're in a… tent?"

Smitten: "I think you'll find we're in paradise, my dear fellow."

Hero: "Oh nonono, w-we're not under her skirt, are we? Quick, maybe we can crawl out from under her before she notices…"

Smitten: "Doubtful, with her magnificent derrière resting on our chest."

Hero: "We should at least close our eyes. Be a gentleman about it."

Smitten: "Don't you dare, I say we just enjoy the view for a little longer. My, those panties match her dress's frills very well, don't they?

The Narrator: "Fantastic. Simply fantastic. Not only did you utterly fail to save the world, you're spending the last moments before its end under its destroyer's skirts. It seems the world doesn't end in tears, but in an absolute farce. I hate you."

Hero: "Yeah, well, that's mutual actually. Like my friend said, the four of us found a way to outsmart and defeat your assassination attempts."

Smitten: "Aww, my dear fellow, you are my friend too, there's no-one I'd rather share a head with."

Hero: "Uh, r-right, we should probably let the Princess know we're here now, though. Be a bit rude if she has to find out for herself."

( "Uh, down here, Princess.")

The Narrator: "The Princess gets up with a startled squeak, turning around to pick you up and hold your battered body in her arms with a panicky flutter of her hands."

The Princess: "Oh no, d-did I hurt you again, my hero? Are you okay, did you break anything, are you-"

( "I'm okay, I think my ribcage is pretty tough. We made it outside! And you were so br-")

The Narrator: "A look of manic relief and delight comes over the Princess and she just about flings herself at you, knocking you back against the grassy ground as she kisses you fervently, hungrily, as if she cannot bear being apart from you for another moment. You find yourself startled by her sudden outburst of passion, her soft body all over you, the power of her emotions filling you and setting your own heart aflame. You reciprocate eagerly, not letting your sore ribs spoil the fun as you throw your limbs around her and you two roll down the hill, tightly intertwined."

Hero: "Woah. I was about to say we should take things slowly and let us both recover a bit from the fear, just be friends for a bit. But I guess she had a different plan."

Smitten: "There is no aphrodisiac quite like surviving a stressful situation together. Surely you can feel it too! Let us take the plunge and love the Princess as she loves us, kiss her, caress her fantastically curvy body, press ourselves tightly to her… take her up on her flirt and establish that she is indeed no longer flat."

Hero: "I'm all for that, but maybe we can do one thing at a time instead of everything all at once?"

Smitten: "But doing everything at once is so very ecstatic and thrilling, and it matches her own energy! How she hungers and devours every part of us, and our own fervent adoration of her only stokes the flames! Join in, and let us enjoy this blissful ride we are on together!"

Hero: "Believe me, I'm into it, but I'd like to talk to her some more too. Oh, she's so soft and warm."

Smitten: "You're welcome to whenever we can catch our breath enough to do so."

( "Princess, you were… so brave up there. So brave and so -mmmp- smart. You saved us both from Him.")

Hero: "Hey, I think she did actually beat Him! We haven't heard Him talk for ages."

Smitten: "Good riddance, dirty Princess killer. But oh, see that anxious look on her flustered face as we lie tightly intertwined."

The Princess: "I… don't feel brave or smart. I was terrified, beloved. I didn't even realise the window was behind me until the last moment. I just didn't want to see you die again, no matter what."

( "Like I said, that was some quick thinking, my clever Princess. And facing death in spite of that fear is exactly what makes you so brave. You're my hero.")

Smitten: "See that beatific smile as she tries to hide it in our plumage by kissing our chest! She's not used to compliments of these kinds, we must remember to let her know how much we adore these sides of her personality in the future. We shall kiss the top of her golden head, petting through her hair. Remove a twig or two in it that got stuck in it as we rolled down to the forest's edge. Let our hands run all over her soft, voluptuous body, exploring its every curve."

Hero: "We do, and it feels so good… but we need to let her know to take care of herself too."

( "But you don't need to sacrifice yourself for me any more, okay? I don't want you to, I care about you way too much.")

The Princess: "But you've done so much for me, and I just want to make you happy."

Hero: "Oh no. Oh no, not again. We should tread very carefully, even if she looks all normal and round as she looks up at us with those massive eyes."

Smitten: "You can relax, my friend. I don't think it will happen again, no matter what we say. The Princess is a woman of flesh and blood, strange and enchanting though she may be. Feel the beautiful sturdiness of her body in our hands, the way we can feel her heart pound. She has shown so much inner strength and depth of character, so much bravery and wit, and most of all, love. I don't believe she would change again."

( "What about you? Don't you want to be happy too?")

Hero: "She doesn't change, but her shoulders tighten up, there's a sad guilt in her eyes. We take her soft hand, intertwine our fingers with hers and pet its back with our thumb."

The Princess: "I-I guess. I think I'd be happy if you were, and… you know…"

( "Princess, you too deserve happiness. You really do. You're worth it and so much more.")

The Princess: "Am I?"

Smitten: "It's a genuine question, she really doesn't think so but does want to hear us explain."

( "Princess, I love you. You're the best person I've ever met. I love that you want to make me happy, but you need to think of yourself too. You're a shining beacon of love, and you deserve so much happiness. Don't you think so too? Can't you say so?")

Hero: "The Princess takes a few deep breaths and closes her eyes before saying it."

The Princess: "I… I deserve happiness. I want to be happy. I do."

Smitten: "Oh, I'm so proud of her! Kiss her round cheeks, touch our foreheads, squeeze her hand, let her know how much it means that she said that!"

( "So, what would make you happy? You can tell me, no matter what it is.")

The Princess: "I just want to… No, actually, I'm not sure. I-I don't have a grand plan for myself or anything. How could I? You're the only thing I really know, I just know I wanna stay with you, no matter what we do next. Aside from that, I'm just seeing what happens for now, but I know this feels right. And, you know, I think I want, um… Uh, actually, never mind, never mind, it's nothing…"

Smitten: "See her scratch her neck and hide her face in our chest plumage again. She must be quite embarrassed."

Hero: "Then it's all the more important she spits it out."

( "It's okay, Princess, you can tell me. What do you want?")

The Princess: "Oh, it was just a silly stray thought, I-I don't think I should say, really, you know…"

Smitten: "The way she flaps her hands when flustered is adorable. But now we have to know."

( "Please? Tell me?")

Smitten: "Instead of answering, the Princess gives us a kiss. But what a kiss it is! Warm, enveloping, passionate, sweaty and nervous as she straddles us, our hand gently caressing a plush inner thigh. Her love is truly a thing of beauty, it just fills us like a hot liquid straight to our heart. The moment we part and try to say something, she cuts us off with another sweet kiss. It's simply bliss."

( "It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.")

Hero: "She wiggles bashfully and bats her eyelids."

The Princess: "I-I do want to tell you, I think, I'm just, hihi, gathering courage..."

Hero: "She takes a few deep breaths, biting her lip as she looks down at us. She trembles a bit as she meets our eye. When she speaks, her voice is dry and nervous."

The Princess: "I want… you. I think I want to um, m-make love to you."

Smitten: "Oh my, how blessed we are to have the most beautiful woman in the world want to bed us! Yes, my darling, there's nothing I would rather do."

Hero: "Woah, I-I, yeah I want that too. To, um, lay the Princess. Is it okay to- yeah, it definitely is."

( "Oh. I… I… Me too. Are you sure?")

Smitten: "Her thick lips pursed into thin white lines, she nods tremulously, desire shining in her eyes, her hand sweaty in ours."

( "Th-then let's not waste any more time and do it.")

Hero: "The Princess squeaks out a giggle and flaps her hand."

The Princess: "Right here in the forest? Hihi, my dress will get so messy!"

( "We'll just have to take it off first then. If-if you're sure about this.")

Hero: "She bites her lip, a nervous, yet ecstatic smile on her face as she leans in closer."

The Princess: "Yeah. Yeah, I want this. I want you."

Hero: "Okay, let's do this. Uh, you take the lead, this is your area of expertise."

Smitten: "Of course, I, I, um, I must admit that now that she looks at us so desirously, her eyes burning right through us with the fires of passion, I… may be a little overwhelmed. I… don't know where to start, I can't bring myself to think. How can I, when our beloved just asked us to bed her?"

Hero: "Should we ask her to take it a bit more slowly?"

Smitten: "No. No, this does feel right, all I'm saying is I just don't think we can take the lead right now. But the Princess, with that beautiful, eager, yet nervous smile on her face, notices our bashfulness and gently guides our held hand to her stretchmarked chest, to the hem of her dress."

The Princess: "Hey. I love you."

( "I love you too.")