One step forward, three steps back by angelsmalec
Alec bit his lip so hard it drew blood. His shaky hands failed to cooperate as he tried to retrieve his blade. It was somewhere, under the cabinet underneath the basin. Magnus had come to check in on him and, scared his boyfriend might come in at any given time, he had slid the blade hidden under the basin.
He was supposed to be showering, but he couldn't. It was impossible for him to shower by now. He was too distraught. His repetitive, obsessive thoughts were stuck in a loop and he couldn't get out of it. Exhausting as it was, now Alec was trying to feel with his hand the coldness of the blade lost under the basin.
Spiders.
His hand shot back to his body. Were there spiders under there? Had he just accidentally touched a spider? No, no, no… he shook his head, whispering a mantra of "no" to himself. After grabbing his phone, he turned on the flash and examined the underside of the cabinet and the small space between it and the floor.
No spiders.
It's on your hand. It climbed up your hand and it's now under your clothes.
Quickly glancing down at his hand, still no spiders. No spiders. No spiders. He didn't feel anything weird on his body, either. With a small sniffle, he looked back at the floor lit up by the flash. A seemingly bright tiny object was there. He slid his free hand back under and finally got back the small blade.
Now, cut!
Alec shook his head, gripping the blade in his hand. He wrapped his arms around his head and let it fall to his raised knees.
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Just slide it down your arm.
You've done it before, you even ended up in the hospital.
The hospital, where Robert and Caleb met.
Robert and Caleb.
Gasping for air, he gripped his hair tightly, still feeling the coldness of the blade pressing on his palm. Perhaps it would make his thoughts go away.
Why can't you do it?
It's not like anyone cares.
Magnus doesn't love you.
Stab yourself!
Stab, stab, stab!
No! Stop!
Do it!
What's stopping you?
Do it!
NO!
DO IT!
"NO!" He yelled, "Stop…" he mumbled, allowing a small sob to escape from his lips.
Just a little cut.
Just one more.
Just another cut.
One last cut.
One last cut.
One last cut.
His mind was racing and there was little to nothing he could do to make it stop. It hadn't been this bad in so long. What had changed? What had changed? Alec wished he knew. Or did he? Because, after all, he deserved all this. He deserved to hurt and be in pain. It was what he was used to, right? So why stop it?
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut!
Alec stared up at the ceiling, the light was too much for his sensitive eyes. Tears were falling from them, as he rocked himself with his arms now wrapped around his stomach. He gazed down at his open palm, the blade still there.
One last cut.
One more time.
One last time.
He wasn't allowed to do this. He had promised Magnus. He had promised Olivia. He had promised… nobody else. Were Magnus and Olivia worth it? His boyfriend and his psychologist?
Olivia is paid to care for you.
She doesn't care.
She only cares about the money.
Could that be true? It was the truth, though. She wasn't giving him therapy for free. Why would she? Besides, Alec knew he could simply lie to Olivia and never mention that he had harmed himself in case he did. Would he lie? No, because he was always blurting out the truth.
Magnus hates you, already.
He has had many partners in life, why would you be special?
He prefers Camille.
Is Magnus even interested in you?
Why would he be?
The only person capable of loving you is Caleb.
And you killed him.
You killed the only person who has ever loved and ever will love you.
That's not true.
Is it?
Of course, it isn't!
How do you know that?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
"I—I don't—…" Alec whispered, eyes wide open as he tried to keep up with his thoughts.
Why would you know?
You don't know shit.
Fucking crap, that's all you know.
Always so confused.
Little mentally ill boy.
You really thought you could know anything?
With all those mental issues?
Alec sobbed, not even caring whether he was heard or not. The door was locked.
Stupid boy with autism and OCD and depression and anxiety and eating disorder.
Is there anything not wrong with you, even?
You can't even function right.
How could you be loved?
How could you?
How?
"H—How?" He found himself voicing his thoughts, "How? How…" he let his head rest on his arm and slowly caressed his bare skin with the blade, not cutting through his skin, just feeling it.
He couldn't function right. Why shouldn't he cut himself? It made no sense to hold back. He was a burden and burdens didn't deserve to lead a happy life. Burdens were annoying, they were worthless, they made no sense to someone who didn't deserve them.
And Magnus didn't deserve a burden. He did not.
Alec should attempt suicide again. He had to. His first attempt hadn't worked, but that didn't mean this one didn't have to. If he tried hard enough, he could.
Suicide? You've tried that before and it didn't work.
You can't even kill yourself properly.
You really want Magnus to find you like that?
You really want Magnus' life to be ruined?
Why would it be ruined?
You're his boyfriend.
He doesn't care.
How do you know that?
He doesn't care.
How do you know that?
He doesn't care.
How do you know that?
His first time attempting, he had ended up in the hospital because Caleb had found him, bleeding to death in the tub after having been sexually assaulted by him, his boyfriend.
His second time would be different. He would ensure Magnus couldn't come in. He would do it quickly. He would not go to the hospital or call for help, because he didn't deserve it. He would simply bleed to death and find his happiness in the red hot tub.
With a nod to himself, Alec made his decision. He was repeatedly nodding, as if to reassure himself that it was the right decision. He stared down at his left arm. It was the most ruined one, as he mostly used his right hand despite being ambidextrous. There were the worst scars, the deepest ones. He had been unforgiving, truly.
You love your scars.
You love your pain.
You love your past.
You loved being abused.
You loved being assaulted.
You loved being raped.
It was what made you, you.
It was what made your life what it is.
It was what gave you strength.
Strength?
What strength?
You aren't strong.
You are a fucking mess.
Alec had stopped crying. He was okay. He was all right with what he wanted to do. He had done it before and it hadn't worked, but this time he would make sure it would. He simply had to find something else. He couldn't kill himself with the blade. It was too small. He needed something bigger, something more hurtful, that could inflict more pain.
He had his blade associated with self-harm. Despite having attempted the first time with a blade as small as the one he was holding, he knew if he wanted this to work he needed to get a bigger thing.
He couldn't get out of the bathroom, though. Magnus would see he hadn't showered and question him about it. He would have to try with something already in there.
Standing up, he opened the cabin under the basin. Razors, extra toothbrushes, towels, shampoos, conditioners, Magnus' endless make-up products… The razors perhaps, but Alec didn't know how to get the blades from them.
He searched thoroughly, moving everything and checking everywhere, but nothing. Magnus had probably taken out anything he might hurt himself with. Olivia had advised them to do it. Alec hadn't wanted to, but Magnus had done it anyway, for obvious reasons.
You can always drown.
Drown?
Drown?
Drown?
Why drown?
No, no, no.
It was Alec's worst fear, to drown. What if it was what he had to get over in order to finally find his peace? He couldn't drown, though. He had seen somewhere you're always pushed to save yourself. Alec hated that small part of him, deep down, that wanted him to live.
He could always hit his head against the wall and pass out in the water.
He almost laughed at the thought if it weren't because he was crying again. Actually, that didn't stop him from laughing. His laughter turned into sobs once more, when he realized he couldn't even attempt again.
It was all he wanted to do, he wanted to, he needed it. He simply had to get a bigger blade, a knife, something to stab himself with, something to cut himself with more deeply.
Cut open your veins.
Cut open your wrist.
Cut open your arms.
It wasn't like his arms weren't ruined already. He could always cut his neck. He could always swallow the blade and let it choke him.
He could always wreck the mirror and use the bigger shards to harm himself. Alec stared at the mirror. It was simple, really. Smash it broken and use the shattered parts of it. He had never done it before, but there was always a first time for everything, no?
There was something stopping him. He shouldn't break anything that belonged to Magnus. It was rude and disrespectful. Using it to attempt suicide would be even worse. It would be like mocking Magnus and telling him that despite his many tries to stop Alec from hurting himself, he had done it again.
Who gives a shit about Magnus, really?
You do.
No.
No.
No.
Alec was chewing on the inside of his cheeks. He had drawn blood from them a long while ago, but that didn't stop him. He loved the idea of ending his life, he had fantasies about it, he had for ages. Doing it, though, could he really?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No.
He needed it to stop. His head was throbbing with every beat of his heart. The heart that would, hopefully, stop functioning soon. Oh, how he wished there was a button to end someone's life instantly.
"Alexander, can I come in? I need to get something."
"No." Was Alec's first word, suddenly blurted out. "What—What is it?"
There was silence.
"Can I come in, please?"
"No."
With guilt eating him from the inside, he sat back down on the floor. He slid the blade back under the cabinet and rocked himself quietly. Silently shedding tears, he hugged his legs to his body and ignored Magnus' voice.
He didn't want to listen to him.
He'll hate you.
He already does.
He'll despise you.
He already does.
He'll feel disappointed.
He already does.
"No." He said, when there was silence again, despite not having listened to anything Magnus had said. His boyfriend went silent behind the door. "No."
"I'm really worried right now, Alec. You've been in there for over twenty minutes and the shower hasn't run once, love. Is there something going on? Can I help you with anything?"
He shook his head, even though Magnus couldn't see that. He let himself fall against the cabinet and wished he had pretended to shower, so his boyfriend would have left him alone. He hated that Magnus was there. He hated him. He really did. He just wanted him to go away, already, leave him alone.
"Go away." He mumbled, retrieving the blade. He simply didn't care anymore.
"I'm not going to leave." Magnus stated. "I won't leave and if you don't let me in, I'll get the key and open this door myself."
Was Magnus threatening him? Why was he doing that? Did he intend on hurting Alec? Hurting him like Robert and Caleb had? It wasn't as though he hadn't suffered the consequences of somebody's rage before, in a bathroom.
"Go away!" He repeated, louder. Why couldn't he understand that he wanted to be alone? He needed to be, in order to do what he wanted to do. He had forgotten about the key that could open every door in the apartment.
Alec had agreed on getting it, in case they got locked one day and couldn't get out unless it was with a key. He had never thought about this case scenario, though.
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid, stupid, stupid!
"Come on, Alec, don't make me do this, please. Open the door." Magnus' tone wasn't threatening, though. It sounded worried and calm. Alec still couldn't open the door. He wouldn't be tricked, not again. "Alexander, I just want to make sure you're all right."
"GO AWAY!" He ended up yelling, breaking down into more sobs.
What would happen if Magnus came inside the bathroom? Well, he would be mad. And disappointed. And tired of it. Maybe he would kick Alec. The blue-eyed man wouldn't be surprised if he did. He deserved it. He deserved it all.
Cut yourself, fucking disgrace.
Impulsively moving, he finally moved his hand to his bare left arm and tried to find a seemingly empty spot. Without a thought in his head, for once silent, he slid the blade on his forearm, as deeply as he could considering how small the blade was, at the same moment the door unlocked and opened.
Fuck.
"I knew there was something going on…" Was all Magnus said, dropping to his knees and grabbing the blade from Alec's still hand. "No." He added, as Alec practically jumped on him, trying to get it back.
It felt like a déjà vu. This had happened at least one time, already and Alec had had a horrible mental breakdown over having his blade taken away from him. Magnus wondered where his boyfriend got all these blades, considering how he was trying to ensure there was nothing harmful in the apartment.
"I said no, I'm not gonna give it to you." Magnus felt like he was scolding a little child and, at the sight of his tearful, bleeding partner, it kind of did look like it. "Not gonna give it to you, Alexander. Look at your arm. Look at what you've done."
"N—No, no—no…" Alec mumbled, shaking his head. He needed it back.
"Did you harm yourself more other than your arm?"
"I—I need, I need—need it…" He whispered, stuck in the moment Magnus had taken the blade from him.
And, knowing it was a low blow, Magnus shook his head and said, "You don't even have space in your arms for more of that, Alec. Can't you see you've done enough? No, I said no, Alec, stop it."
Alec sniffled and moved off of Magnus. He didn't want to be with him. He hated him.
Fucking hate him.
Give it back!
It's not yours to decide what to do with.
You deserve the cuts, you need those.
Magnus would never understand.
Sobbing almost uncontrollably, he slid away from Magnus and hid in the corner between the toilet and a cabinet. His arm was bleeding profusely, but he couldn't care less. He could bleed out right there and then, in front of Magnus, for all he cared.
He didn't give a fuck anymore about Magnus.
You should get up and walk out.
You should abandon him.
You should just go back to homelessness.
It's better than being with Magnus.
What was he thinking? Alec had no clue. Where were all those thoughts coming from? He was supposed to be in love with Magnus. Wasn't he? He had supposed he was, but perhaps he was wrong. Magnus didn't let him cut himself. He hated him for that.
He buried his face behind his arms, crying heavily.
All he wanted to do was slide the blade across his scarred forearm and cut his veins open until there was no more blood left in his body. He only had one wish and Magnus had ruined it for him.
I hate him.
I hate him.
I hate him.
Careful hands were placed on his shoulders, but Alec shrugged them off. He didn't want Magnus now. He didn't want him. He did not want him anymore.
"I'm not going to apologize." Was all Magnus said, before sitting down next to him, "Can I help you, now, please? You've done enough harm as it is, let me help you now, love."
Help? Now? He was too late. Alec wanted to punch him. He hated him so much. He had never despised anyone the way he did with Magnus right now. He wanted the blade back. Shaking his head, he hoped his boyfriend would leave.
The problem was, Magnus was as stubborn as him. He stayed there, sitting in silence, waiting until Alec was done letting it all out. He watched his arm bleed, reminders of his own past lurking in his mind, concerned about the bleeding.
It wasn't the first time this happened, sadly. Alec easily got upset these days and acted rather impulsively. He didn't know his impulsiveness would show up like this, though. He was very sensitive and seemed lower than usual, if that was even possible. Olivia had told them this could be something due to the change of meds.
Gently, the cat-eyed man stroked Alec's hair, trying to keep him present. He needed an anchor or his mind would wander off too far. Alec sobbed low, unconsciously leaning into his boyfriend's feather touch.
Perhaps he didn't hate Magnus. He just didn't like him at the moment. Why didn't he? He had stolen his blade. What if he never gave it back to him? No, no, no. Magnus was a nice person. He would give it back.
His hair strokes became arm squeezes and then hand holding, until Alec was leaning on Magnus, hidden in his embrace, crying. Relieved to finally have his boyfriend trust him again, Magnus grabbed the bandages for times like this, stashed in the cabinet.
He cleaned Alec's wound and pressed on it with a towel until it stopped bleeding. Alec didn't complain once. This had become a routine, even, as sad as it could sound. Bandaging his arm and wrapping gauze, Magnus kissed his arm, before hugging Alec to his body and pressing another kiss on his forehead.
"What happened, Alexander? Can we talk about it, please? I'm worried about you." Magnus finally said to his silent boyfriend.
What had happened? He had no clue. His brain was simply too much, most of the time. That was why they had changed his meds, after all. They hadn't been working like they were supposed to, so his psychiatrist had given him new medication.
Changing meds was always a mess, apparently, as it gave mood swings and extreme lows, depending on what medication you were on or changing to.
"I—I don't know." Alec whispered, pressing his face on the crook of Magnus' neck.
Magnus hummed, understanding.
"Why did you harm yourself again, then?"
It was a simple question, yet, Alec didn't know what to answer. Because he had wanted to was the wrong answer. Because he had had to was also the wrong answer. Because he had needed to or perhaps because he had felt forced to do it.
By whom? It would make no sense if he told Magnus he had felt forced to do it. His boyfriend wouldn't get it. Nobody would. His brain was messed up, truly.
"I don't—… know."
With a sigh, the cat-eyed man let his head rest against Alec's.
"I know. It's all right not to know. You should have asked for help, though, did you think about that?"
Yes; no. Maybe? I don't know.
He sniffled. He didn't deserve help. Why should he have thought about it? He was worthless. Nobody could or should help him.
"No." Was all he was able to mutter. It was the truth, though. He couldn't know for sure, but he was pretty convinced he hadn't thought of asking for help, because why would he have?
"Okay. Well, we'll tell Olivia about this. See what she thinks can help you during moments like these. In the meantime, can you please leave all doors open? It concerns me when you lock yourself in a room. Every time you've done that, something bad has happened."
With his cheeks red, Alec had to nod. He hated that Magnus had to worry so much about him. His partner seemed to be tired and, if he was, Alec wouldn't blame him. He was tired, too.
"Do—Do you still love me?" Alec suddenly asked, not daring to look up at Magnus' beautiful face.
Not even a second of silence later, he got his answer.
"You know I do. And you doing… this doesn't make me love you any less. I hope you know that I'm only concerned about your well-being and you're sometimes a bit hard to care for, because you lock yourself in rooms and avoid all types of help. But you're trying and that's what matters."
Alec didn't know how to feel about what Magnus had just said, but he nodded anyway.
"You're trying, right?"
No.
He shrugged. He had been considering attempting again not twenty minutes ago. That didn't count as 'trying'. It wasn't as though he could tell Magnus about it, however. His boyfriend would send him to therapy straight away.
He didn't want therapy right now. He wanted to stay with Magnus, in the safety of his arms. He was feeling significantly less rage. He didn't hate Magnus anymore. He didn't even understand why he had despised him so much.
"We'll—We'll also talk to Olivia about it, hm?"
Alec heard a sniffle and blinked, confused. He looked up and saw Magnus, silently crying. He frowned. Why was Magnus crying?
"M—Magnus?"
He shook his head, wiping his tears with his free arm, not holding Alec.
"Y—You just really scare me sometimes, Alexander. I'm—I'm worried and it seems like you don't understand that I need you well. Alive and well. And to see that you're not doing okay, or that you keep… doing this, even though I know it's not so easy to stop it, believe me, I know, it breaks my heart."
Magnus wasn't one to cry often, unless it was because of a movie or a sad video about cats, but when he did it truly shattered Alec. His boyfriend was crying because of him. Could he mess up any more?
"Do you understand that you're not on your own anymore? You have me. You have Olivia. Catarina, too. She might be my best friend, but she loves you, too. If you were to leave, how do you think we'd feel? You're not alone anymore, love, you can lean on us and we can help you. We want to help you."
He finished his sentence with a soft kiss on the top of his head, rubbing Alec's upper arm and back, trying to get him to stop trembling.
"Will you please leave the door open next time you're not feeling well? Or, I don't know, put a sock on the knob so I know you're upset or just, off? Anything. Any sign. Even if it's an emoji through a text. Anything. Please."
Magnus could remember all of the things his parents had tried to get him to communicate his feelings nonverbally, and some of those options had worked, so why not suggest them to Alec? His boyfriend needed that kind of help.
"I'll—I'll try." Alec mumbled.
He didn't know if it was a promise or empty words, but he did know that whenever he said he would do something, he felt worse if he had to break the promise, so it would be slightly harder for him to repeat this, after having verbally promised Magnus he would try to ask for help.
"I love you, all right?" Magnus said, feeling a bit of relief course through him, "I made dinner. Are you hungry?"
Not really.
Alec shrugged anyway. He didn't deserve Magnus.