Save Myself by angelsmalec

"It's all right, we'll be alone." Magnus muttered, giving Alec a slight squeeze on his thigh, before placing it back on the steering wheel. "You'll enjoy it, I'm sure of it."

Alec smiled a bit, feeling slightly uncomfortable. He wasn't so sure of it, but he was trying to do what Olivia had told him to try: do one scary thing every week. He was doing it, by coming out of their apartment, something he barely ever did, to go do a good thing.

They were going to Catarina's house. She had pool and Magnus had decided that he would take his boyfriend swimming for the first time in his life; it was midsummer, so the heat was another reason to go to the doctor's house and swim for a while.

A message lit up the screen of Magnus' phone.

"Can you look at it, please?" He asked Alec, being focused on the ongoing traffic. He honked at the car in front of them, when it overtook them on the wrong lane.

"P—P—Please, don't do that." Alec whispered, having flinched at the sudden loud noise.

"Sorry, I-I didn't think that through." He glanced at Alec when his boyfriend mumbled, saying it was all right. "Who is the message from?"

"C—Cat. She says that, uhm…" Alec unlocked Magnus' phone and read her message, "Madzie is sick, so they'll b—be there."

"Oh, okay. Can you ask her if it's still okay for us to come?"

"Yeah…" The blue-eyed man replied, already halfway through the message.

"In case we can still go, will you be okay?"

Alec stayed silent. He used the excuse of waiting for Catarina's reply not to answer his boyfriend. He could feel a ball made out of his anxiety in his stomach and his chest. It was growing bigger and bigger the further away they got from their apartment, Alec's safe space.

"We c—can go." Alec finally received her message.

"Okay, then."

Magnus understood that Alec didn't want to talk about how he was feeling or would be feeling once they got to Catarina's house. He knew Alec had a lot of issues getting out of the apartment, his room even, but he also knew that it was healthy for his boyfriend to get in touch with the outside world every now and then, so that he wouldn't feel any more isolated and fall into further depression.

They arrived ten minutes later, Catarina waiting for them at the door of her house. Alec had never been there. The house was pretty. Magnus had told him the house had once belonged to Catarina's uncle, whose company had been truly successful. After the uncle's passing, he had left her the house, since she had been his only niece.

Magnus parked in front of the house. They got their things out of the car and went to the doctor's house. She took one of their bags from them and helped them in, before engulfing Magnus into a tight hug, just to give Alec a lighter hug afterwards.

"I'm sorry, you two, I know I promised you'd have the house for yourselves, Madzie started feeling bad this morning and she's got a fever. I'll get out of your hair soon, though. I'd just hoped to go somewhere with her since we both have vacation now."

"Nah, it's all right. It's your house after all. We'll be in the pool for a while, if that's still okay."

"Oh, no, yeah, of course. Help yourselves to anything, Magnus you already know where I keep everything. Alec, please, tell him to go easy with the alcohol."

If there was one thing Alec had to dislike about his boyfriend was the fact that he enjoyed alcohol. A lot. When they had started dating, he had at least four nights a week when he made himself a drink and gulped it down in minutes.

It had driven Alec crazy, because it had reminded him of how much his father's behavior had worsened every time he had ingested any kind of alcohol. He had gotten slightly used to it, but Magnus had also stopped drinking as much as before. However, whenever people came over or they went to a friend's house, even if it wasn't often, there were many drinks for all parties involved, but Alec.

He nodded at Catarina, unsure whether she was serious or not. He didn't like telling Magnus what to do, he hardly ever did it; only when it came out before he could control his mouth, like it had happened back in the car when his boyfriend had honked at the car in front of them.

"Ignore her, she's just jealous of my tolerance for alcohol!" Magnus raised his voice, enough for Catarina to hear, while she was going upstairs back to her six-year-old daughter. "You all right?"

Alec gave another nod, a small frown in his face. He looked around the house, taking in Catarina's home. He noticed similar furniture to the one he and Magnus had back in their apartment. The colors matched everywhere. There were toys on the floor, which he supposed belonged to Madzie; he wished he could see her, he liked being with the six-year-old and playing with her. They mostly pretended to be imaginary characters, which was sometimes hard for Alec because he found it difficult to spontaneously create a whole new identity.

He looked back at his boyfriend and found Magnus staring at him, awaiting.

"W—What?"

"Do you want something to eat?" Magnus repeated, after having watched Alec for a whole minute be completely unaware that he had asked him something. "You didn't eat at home, darling."

"Not hungry," Alec mumbled, avoiding Magnus' eyes, "I—It's fine."

"Alexander…"

Alec's frown grew bigger, as he clenched his jaw. He didn't want to eat. He had eaten the day before, but he had also harmed himself, which meant he needed to punish himself further for having done so. Not feeling hunger was a blessing in disguise.

Magnus looked at the time. It was almost ten in the morning. Alec had barely eaten anything the day before. Now he refused to eat. It wasn't the first time this happened, but Magnus had noticed Alec's relationship with food had been worsening in the course of the past few months. He couldn't force Alec to eat, though.

"Well, I brought sandwiches and some snacks. We'll eat in an hour, how about that?" Magnus proposed, walking closer to Alec. "Are you sure you're okay, love? Am I being annoying? I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you, Alexander."

Alec shook his head, letting out a small sigh. He didn't want to look at Magnus. He didn't want him to see the guilt in his eyes. Magnus was good at reading him, despite Alec's neutral facial expressions.

"Did something happen?" The cat-eyed man whispered. Alec had always had a hard time looking at people in the eyes but he occasionally glanced up at Magnus. He seemed to be currently unable to even do that.

Alec had two, three, options.

The first one, confessing to Magnus that he'd had a relapse with his self-harming tendencies without anything to blame it on. He had simply done it for the sole purpose to hurt himself.

The second option was lying, bearing more guilt inside. He would simply tell Magnus he was a bit anxious, more than he'd admit to be, because they had left home, which wasn't a lie. He simply wouldn't tell his boyfriend what had happened the night before.

And the third one was not saying anything. Silent treatment as a way to punish himself, because he knew such treatment could push people away and he didn't deserve Magnus, so he would be hurting himself by ignoring Magnus.

He shook his head. He couldn't confess nor ignore him. He would simply not tell him the whole truth, which was a bad thing to do and he'd have to punish himself for it later.

"So, nothing happened?"

Alec nodded in silence.

Magnus wasn't convinced. He was noticing the signs that Alec was upset about something: not a single second of eye contact, not many words from him, avoiding food and his frown.

"All right, then, love. If you need to talk you know I'm here, though, right?" He muttered, taking Alec's hand in his. "I know there's something going on in that pretty head of yours, but it's okay if you don't want to talk to me about it. Just know that I'm here."

Alec forced a small smile for him. He really didn't think he would tell Magnus about the night before any time soon, but he was still grateful for the offer.

He let Magnus take him to the garden, their bags left behind. The garden was well-taken care of. The pool looked really nice. There were a couple of trees, flowers decorating the place. It was beautiful.

"I came to this house very often when I was a kid. Especially during the summer. Catarina's uncle was a very welcoming, friendly man. Gotta hate cancer." Magnus said, squeezing Alec's hand. "We'll have lunch here, I suppose. Look, Madzie's room is up there."

Alec looked at the window Magnus was pointing but didn't see anyone. He supposed the little girl was in her bed, sick.

"I'll go get my trunks and change. You can go in the pool, it'll just take me a minute."

He left his boyfriend there, unknowing what to do. Alec let his gaze dart around. His eyes fell on the pool. He walked closer and sat down on the edge of the pool. His hand moved down to the water. It was cold. He stared at his pants; even during summer, he refused to let his skin be uncovered. He was wearing his swimming shirt and his trunks underneath his clothes.

He checked for Magnus but he wasn't there. He took his pants off, still sat on the edge of the pool. He pulled his trunks up a little, just enough to see his thigh. His scars were there. They wouldn't fade for at least another couple of months, because Alec had harmed himself rather deeper than usual.

He rubbed his skin a little, hissing in pain. The wounds were still open. He glanced at the water. Was it dirty? Would it infect his wounds? Fuck! Alec cursed himself for being so stupid. What if he ended up with festered cuts because of his own idiocy? Would that lead to further sickness?

Alec shivered, pulling down his trunks again. He ran his hand on his leg, feeling all of his scars and markings under his hand. He pulled his legs on to his torso. He would wait for Magnus to go in.

His boyfriend appeared a couple moments later, shirtless, barefoot, only wearing his purple trunks.

"I brought sunscreen. The sun is high today." He said, as he sat down next to the blue-eyed man. "Come here, I'll put some sunscreen on your face, honey."

Alec let Magnus put sunscreen on his skin, feeling his chest be relieved from some of the pressure as his boyfriend's hands massaged his face and neck.

"Come on," Magnus pecked Alec's lips before pulling him up and taking him to the stairs of the pool. "I put on sunscreen inside, don't worry. Let's see how cold the water is…"

Alec stayed behind. He let Magnus go first into the water. He watched him hiss but still walk further inside, the cold water surrounding his warm body. He smiled a little at the sight of his boyfriend disappearing in the water and appearing back up with his hair sticking to his face.

"Wanna come in?" Magnus mirrored Alec's smile, such a rare sight.

"Okay, uhm, w—wait."

He took his hoodie off, along with his shoes and socks. Magnus watched him, wondering how could someone be wearing so many layers of clothes in the middle of July. He wiped the saddened look on his face when Alec looked back at him, his arms wrapped around himself.

"It's all right." Magnus reassured him, walking closer to the stairs of the pool, where Alec was standing. "The water's cold and it'll be really cold at first, but it gets better. I'm fine now, see?"

Alec nodded. He was just nervous about his wounds.

"I—Is the water c—clean?" He whispered, almost embarrassed to even ask that. He didn't want to offend anyone.

"Clean? I—I think so. Does it bother you?" Magnus checked the water for any kind of thing that would push Alec not to get in. "I can ask Catarina, but I'm pretty sure the water's fine."

"No, she—she's busy…" Alec mumbled. He needed to go into the water, or Magnus would start questioning whether there was something indeed going on or not.

"Okay."

Alec stepped inside the coldness and reached out to Magnus' shoulder to get some balance as he walked down to the end of the stairs, to the floor of the pool. It was cold, very cold. He shook his hands off, as if that would help him stave off the coldness.

"Let's do something, Alexander, let's move and it won't be so cold anymore." Magnus suggested. "Come with me, let's go a bit deeper."

Alec had never been in a swimming pool before. He had never learned how to swim. He shook his head, sitting down on one of the steps.

Alec was trembling under the sheets, his body was starting to process all of the punches and kicks it had just received. He had to go to school the next day and they'd go to the swimming pool for the first time.

The six-year-old hid his face underneath the pillow for some seconds, to muffle his sobs; he couldn't have his father hear him and come back to his room. He'd had enough for a whole lifetime.

He couldn't go to school the next day. They would all see his body. They would all see the punching bag that he was to his father. Alec was already the weird kid in his class. He didn't need more reasons for the kids to pick on him.

Alec sniffled. He covered his head when he heard the door open. Eyes wide open, he stayed completely silent as Robert walked around the room. He let out a big burp. The sound of a bottle smashing against the floor followed.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight… one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…

"You don't like the pool." The cat-eyed man's voice broke through Alec's thoughts. He walked closer to him, "Did you feel forced to come, love? You were a bit reluctant back at home."

Alec shrugged. He hadn't felt too comfortable going there. He had attributed that to coming out of his comfort zone, but he was just starting to realize that he had been uncomfortable this whole time because of the activity they were going to do. It was bringing back upsetting memories and it brought Alec down.

He let his head fall to his hands, nodding.

"You felt forced? Did I make you feel forced, Alexander?" Magnus inquired softly.

Alec gave another nod, unable to even look up.

"I—I'm really sorry." Magnus muttered, feeling his chest tighten, "Can you tell me a bit more about it, please?"

The blue-eyed man's legs were bouncing in the water, anxiety coursing through his body. He didn't want Magnus to hurt him. He didn't want to hurt Magnus either. He had felt forced. Not because Magnus had insisted, not because he had manipulated Alec to come, but because he had been so excited to go with Alec outside and to Catarina's swimming pool, that it had made Alec feel awfully guilty for not going.

"My, uhm, h—head." Alec finally mumbled, while he was staring at the moving water. "I—I had t—t-to come."

"You had to come? Why? I told you, you didn't have to come if you didn't feel up to it, Alexander," Magnus frowned, "Did you think I'd get mad or hurt if you didn't come?"

"Yeah…"

"Alec, you know making decisions based off my feelings, or your perception of how I might feel, instead of your own is something you have to work on. Do you want to go back home?"

"N—No."

Magnus raised an eyebrow, "No because of me?"

Alec shook his head. He didn't want to go from one place to another in such a short time again. He simply wanted to stay there for a while and be left alone. He scratched his scalp nervously, still avoiding to look up.

The cat-eyed man let out a sigh as he closed his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Alec, I would like you to communicate what you need, love." He whispered, "I can't help you unless I know what you need."

But even with that, Alec didn't say anything. He remained silent. He was slowly scratching his thighs, staring down at the water. He didn't answer his boyfriend.

Magnus felt hurt. He hated it when Alec was obviously upset but refused to ask for any help. He felt powerless, useless. He watched Alec rub his skin more and more.

"Alexander, you're going to hurt yourself."

Alec, however, didn't stop. He didn't care. He was busy breathing. He was lost in his thoughts. He should have just stayed home, let Magnus have fun with his friend and stay in his room, as if he were non-existent.

There was silence. Magnus was watching Alec and Alec was ignoring him, until Magnus spoke again.

"I'll be inside if you need me." He ended up saying, walking out of the pool.

He left Alec alone, cold in the pool, hurting himself without even being aware of such thing. He stopped when he felt a sudden sting shooting up from his leg. He felt his heart drop.

There were small stains of red water, seemingly coming from him.

He quickly stood up, but that was the wrong move. A wave of dizziness hit him, leaving him with a small headache. He winced, sitting back down. He pulled his trunks up just a little bit and saw some of his wounds had started bleeding again because of his incessant scratching.

With his hands shaking, he let go of the trunks and brought his hand up to his forehead. Alec hissed at the sudden coldness against his hot forehead. He looked back at the house and saw Magnus closing the door behind himself. He was inside. He wouldn't see him now.

Alec walked out of the pool as well. He considered just walking away into the field and the woods in front of the garden. He wouldn't be missed anyway. Alec stared at the field, longing for some kind of feeling that would bring him peace and happiness.

He had only ever found that in two things. One, harming himself. Two, loving Magnus.

One was easier than the other. Perhaps that was why he had cut his legs the night before. Because he had been in need of some peace. Not happiness, but peace. Magnus was actually the only one who could give him both.

And he was pushing him away. He was pushing Magnus away by lying, by harming himself, by being so distant, by not allowing Magnus to care for him. He wasn't letting Magnus take care of him. He enjoyed feeling taken care of, yet he wouldn't let Magnus do so. He didn't deserve it.

He looked back down at his legs. He deserved the pain. He hit his leg, letting out a painful grunt. He shook his head. He needed to remain silent. He let his fist fall back down to his leg, hitting himself hard. His eyes watered, but he didn't let out a single noise.

His father would be proud of him. He wouldn't, because he never had been, but Alec let himself believe that someone would be proud of him for not even opening his mouth as he was hurting his body.

Robert would say, take it like a man, and Alec would. Alec had and Alec would. He was a man who knew how to take a beating. Perhaps he cried later, or hurt himself until he couldn't even think straight. Maybe he looked at himself in the mirror and punched a hole on it later. Perhaps he would use that to harm himself further.

Alec's left knee gave out under his hand. He gripped his trunks, a couple of tears falling down his cheeks. He felt his heart beating on his knee.

Caleb kicked Alec. He kicked him hard on his knee. Alec fell to the floor, a scream following. His hands shot up to where he had been kicked. He could have sworn he had felt something shift inside. He whimpered, holding his knee with shaking hands.

He looked up at the sky, his jaw trembling. No, no, no, no, no… He wasn't a dog. He wasn't a dog. He wasn't a dog. He hit his leg again, drawing blood from his wounds as his leg splashed against the water.

He pulled up his trunks. He was breathing hard. Most of his wounds had reopened. He was bleeding. He was hurting. He should call for Magnus. Maybe Catarina. No, she was busy with Madzie. Magnus was probably with her. He had made him mad. He shouldn't call anyone. He wasn't worth it.

He had to get up. He had to go apologize to Magnus. He didn't want him to hurt him once home. He would already do that himself. Alec got up. Well, he tried to. He slipped down the stairs and into the water. The cold splash made him realize if he ended up in the deeper side of the pool, he would be in trouble.

Alec gripped the edge of the pool and his nails scratched the surface. It felt wrong. He hissed, flapping his hands around. The water reached his stomach. It was slightly reddening around him. Water might be seeping inside his body, dirty water inside of him through his opened wounds. Water with small insects. Dirt.

His headache was worsening. The sun was high. It was hitting him hard. He instinctively brought a hand to his stomach. It hurt. His legs hurt. His head ached. His stomach was growling. His knee could barely hold him up.

He had to get out of the water. It was so, so cold. But he was so hot, the sun was too much. He was losing blood. Dirt was filling his body. His skin was crawling. Too much, too much, too much…

Alec took a deep breath in and the next thing he knew was that he was lying on the sofa, inside Catarina's house. There were pillows underneath his legs and Magnus had a wet cloth on Alec's forehead.

"You went into shock." Magnus said, when he saw his boyfriend looking at him confused. "You lost blood, you didn't eat yesterday or today, you were hurting yourself and a combination of the heat and the cold water ended up causing you to black out."

Alec let his head fall back tiredly against the pillow. He never did anything right.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Magnus whispered and, without even waiting for a reply, he spoke again, "Did you harm yourself, Alexander?"

Magnus already knew he had. It was obvious. They had found Alec passed out in the pool, his head against the burning ground, his body in the water. His legs had been bleeding. Madzie had been the one to see that first, from the window of her room. She had asked her mother, Catarina, why Alec had red lines on his legs.

Catarina had looked through the window and had seen Alec slipping down the stairs of the pool, without Magnus in sight. Now Magnus knew why Alec had been so upset and silent. Why he had refused to eat and allow himself to have fun in the pool.

"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling bad?" Magnus muttered, sat down in front of the sofa. "You promised you would, Alec, you told me you'd come to me. You could have drowned in the pool. Madzie saw you. She saw you were injured."

Alec felt as though someone had just dropped a brick on his chest. Madzie was six years old. She shouldn't have to see someone like him in such state. She should have seen the more relaxed, calmer Alec who played with her and picked her up and spun her around.

He was so stupid. Magnus had literally shown him where Madzie's room was and, still, he had had to take a look at his dumb wounds. And he had bled on the water. God knows how much blood he might have lost.

"Catarina's cleaning the pool now. Madzie is upstairs, but she said she's feeling better, so she might come down." Magnus said. He didn't want to scold Alec, but he was angry and he was sad. It was really hard to handle Alec's issues sometimes. "Alec, did you listen to what I said before? You broke your promise. I trusted you with that, love."

Alec frowned and turned around. He was facing the back of the sofa, lying on his side. He didn't want to see Magnus. He didn't want to face him. He didn't want to face that he had messed up again. He couldn't look at Magnus in the eye and listen to him remind him that he had broken his promise.

"Alec."

"Alec."

He was shaking under the sheets.

"Alec."

He was trembling hard.

"Alexander, could you please not ignore me? It upsets me when you do that." Magnus clenched his jaw. "Alec, please."

Alec shrank on the sofa. He didn't want to look at Magnus. If he faced him, he would have to deal with everything. He didn't want to look at Magnus and see the disappointment in his face. He buried his face against the sofa.

None of them said anything. Magnus was hurt. Alec was too, in a more literal way, but also emotionally. He was being a bad boyfriend. He was going to lose Magnus over this, one day. He couldn't lose Magnus. He was a bad person. He was treating Magnus badly. His boyfriend didn't deserve this.

Perhaps he should face the consequences. After all, he knew that if someone avoided those for too long, they ended up paying for it. Alec didn't want to suffer the consequences for not facing Magnus and what he had done.

He turned around. He couldn't look at Magnus, though. The wet cloth was placed back on his forehead, but Magnus didn't say anything.

"S—Sorry…" Alec whispered, all of a sudden.

He was always doing this to Magnus. He wasn't treating him right. He deserved to be treated amazingly well and Alec was doing a poor job at it. He was in love with Magnus, but he didn't know how to treat someone accordingly to how he felt towards them.

He had tried with his father. He had tried with Caleb. It was so hard to do it now with Magnus, because he was so clueless on what to do next. Baby steps, everyone said. Well, he couldn't even do those. He felt blind, he had no idea of what would happen if he did certain things with Magnus, so he was constantly afraid of messing up.

"What are you sorry for?" Magnus muttered, hoping Alec would identify what he was apologizing for.

"H—Hurting you…" Alec replied, after some seconds of doing some thinking because he didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"How about apologizing to yourself, too, Alexander? For hurting yourself too? Don't you think your body and inner child also deserve an apology for what you're doing?"

Magnus wasn't mad. He wasn't reprimanding Alec. He was just trying to get him to understand the full consequences of his actions and how that affected him, as a person with already enough trauma as it was.

Alec shook his head. He didn't want to apologize to himself. He didn't deserve it. He had been bad, he was bad, he would be bad, he needed to be punished, and who else better than himself to do so?

"I—I—…" Alec cut himself off for a moment. With his gaze lost, he continued, "I—I need h—help."

It wasn't surprising for Alec to need help, but it was indeed new to hear him actually ask for it. He wasn't one to speak up and voice his needs. Magnus was surprised, but he didn't let that stop him from feeling pride.

"Okay," Magnus' eyes softened, "And what is it that you need help with?"

Alec didn't know. He did, but he didn't and that made sense in his mind. It was obvious that he needed help. What did he need help with, though? He had no idea. Wishing there was something he did know about himself, he looked up at Magnus.

It was the wrong move. Tears filled his eyes at the sight of his saddened boyfriend.

"P—Psychiatrist." Was all he was able to mutter.

The last time they had had a check-up with Alec's psychiatrist had been about a month and a half ago. Alec had honestly thought he could manage his life for a while without his psychiatrist, but it was obvious that all he had wanted to do was punish himself and see how long he could go on without getting help, as he worsened both mentally and physically.

Why hadn't he told Magnus? Well, he hadn't wanted him to see how much Alec relied on professionals to stay alive and well. He was a bad person, bad for not telling Magnus, bad for wanting to tell him, bad for not having managed well that past month and a half.

"Would you like me to call her and book an appointment?" Magnus didn't question Alec's statement.

As he avoided Magnus' eyes again, he gave a light nod. He hadn't answered Magnus' initial question. He didn't want to because he didn't know the answer.

"I'll set a reminder for this afternoon, then, and we can do it together, okay?" The cat-eyed man's voice was gentle. Alec wished it were screams instead.

"Catarina gave me some supplies," he continued, "For your wounds." Clarifying when Alec stared up at the ceiling confused by his words. "Will you let me take care of it? You can say no, please, say no if you're uncomfortable with this."

Alec shook his head.

"It—It's fine." He whispered, incapable of looking at Magnus.

He simply agreed because he knew if it was up to him, he wouldn't take care of his opened cuts. No other reason. It wasn't as though it calmed him down, the thought of his boyfriend's hands on his body without hurting him. Or how he knew he couldn't say no to Magnus. Or how he would get hit if he chose not to have his wounds taken care of.

"Thank you." Magnus said, a small smile on his face as he stroked Alec's hair.

After putting down the wet towel off Alec's forehead, Magnus grabbed the supplies from the low table behind him and took a look back at the blue-eyed man's legs.

"I think you'll have to take them off." He said. His trunks could only move up so much and Magnus knew, because he knew Alec, that his boyfriend had cuts all over his thighs. He would have to take them off in order to make a full assessment of the situation.

Alec was shaking his head before he knew it. He loved Magnus, but he wouldn't undress in front of him unless it was really necessary. Besides, if he took them off, not only would he be exposed from the waist down, but his cuts would also be entirely visible. It was stupid, he knew it was, because he had agreed to Magnus helping him, so he should have known that his boyfriend would see his scars sooner or later, but now that it was a reality rather than just a thought, Alec was scared.

"No."

"Okay." Magnus said, not wasting one second. "That's fine by me. As long as you promise you'll go to the bathroom and take care of yourself now."

Alec glanced at him. Magnus was serious. He didn't like it. Why did he have to take care of himself? It sounded like, well, like bullshit! He was tired of it. Then again, he was tired of everything. Maybe Magnus was right.

It wouldn't be the first time and certainly not the last that he was wrong and Magnus was right.

"Ok—Okay…"

—

Alec dragged himself to the bathroom in Catarina's home. He could feel Magnus' eyes on him and he felt shame. He was such an embarrassment. He wanted to turn around and apologize to Magnus, but he didn't. Now he had to do what he had been told: clean himself.

Feeling disgusting and dirty, Alec took a shower after locking the door and making sure he was alone and with no sharp objects around; though, he had no idea if he was checking for sharp objects, or lack thereof, he still looked around like an idiot, as if he weren't in a house with a six-year-old.

As the warm water cleaned his body, he looked down at his thighs. He had truly messed them up over the years. Feeling his lower lip tremble, he carefully washed his legs, feeling the cuts sting, a reminder of why he always ended up hating harming himself.

At some point, he found himself sitting on the shower, crying at the sight of what he had done to his body. He didn't like it. He hated it. Why would he do this to himself? Why was he so messed up? Normal people didn't do such a thing.

He had to apologize to Magnus.

—

When he came back out of the bathroom, he was wearing his swimming shirt, as he had barely gotten it wet. There was a towel wrapped around his waist, covering his thighs. He had bandaged his wounds, just like Magnus had wanted him to; if it had been his choice, he wouldn't have done it.

Magnus was waiting for him, sitting on the sofa with Catarina.

"…— just so worried. I really thought he was doing better, you know?" He heard Magnus' low voice.

"A relapse is part of the recovery, Magnus, you know that better than everyone," Catarina reminded him, softly, "Considering just how much Alec's been through, he's doing as well as he can."

"I know. It's so hard, though."

Not wanting to eavesdrop anymore, Alec made himself known by silently walking into the living room.

"Hi, love." Magnus said, looking tired.

Alec felt a brick drop in his stomach. He was exhausting. Was he too much for Magnus? He looked down.

"I brought your clothes inside, they're in your bag." Catarina said, "Did you clean and bandage the wounds?"

Ashamed of himself, Alec nodded. He couldn't meet anyone's eyes, especially not after having seen the exhaustion in Magnus'.

He got dressed in the kitchen, hidden by the counter and the cupboards. He knew he was not going to swim again, probably not even any time soon. What a disappointment he was. When he went back to the sofa, Catarina was muttering something to Magnus that Alec didn't quite hear.

They saw him and she stood up.

"I'll go check on Madzie. She has a fever and I'm trying to get her to sleep for a while. Shout if you need anything, okay?"

Alec sat down in her place as she went upstairs to Madzie's room, he supposed. He looked at Magnus with a small frown in his face and took his hand.

"I—I'm sorry. I didn't, uhm, I didn't mean t—to hurt myself like th—this. I'm—I'm trying." Was all he was able to muster, in order not to burst into tears and apologize until Magnus forgave him a hundred times.

"I understand." Magnus said, compassionately, "I'm just sad, though, because I thought you were better. And I also thought you'd reach out to me if anything like that were to happen… I can't blame you for not doing it, but I'm just a bit tired today and it's hard to, well, to think, I guess."

Alec nodded, understanding.

"I'll b—be b—better." He promised him, letting his head fall on Magnus' when his boyfriend rested it on his shoulder.

"I just want you to feel better, okay? Will you promise to try?"

"I—I, uhm… I p—promise." He whispered.

Hopefully, he would mean it.