Chapter 5

xoxoxoxoxoxo

When they got home, Santana went straight to her room and changed; her phone buzzed alerting her to a new text message.

From: Brittany

9-22-15 1:47am

I'm home. Safe and sound. Had fun tonight. Your voice is amazing ;)

Santana smiled shyly to herself before sending a reply.

To: Brittany

9-22-13 1:51am

(: Thanks. I had fun, too. Glad you're home. Talk to you tomorrow?

From: Brittany

9-22-13 1:53am

Of course. G'night, Santana.

To: Brittany

9-22-13 1:55am

Night, Brittany.

She went into the attached half bath she had to herself and brushed her teeth; the half bath was a concession to Quinn getting the bigger room. Quinn didn't have a private bath and they had to share the shower in the main bathroom. She wasn't at all surprised when she came back into her room to find Quinn sitting on her bed.

"So, that was Brittany." Quinn said, smiling slyly.

Santana bit her lower lip and ducked her head. "Yeah," she said quietly, "that was Brittany."

"You were right. She is beautiful. I used the Willow threat on her."

Santana's head snapped up. "Q ..." she whined.

Quinn laughed. "She actually finished the quote for me."

Santana's forehead scrunched. "She got the reference?"

"Yup. Sure did."

"Huh. Didn't know she was a Buffy nerd."

Quinn laughed.

Santana fidgeted, then crawled into bed, leaning against the headboard cross-legged. She looked at Quinn. "What did you think of her?"

Quinn looked at her seriously. "Honest opinion?" Santana nodded.

"I think she really likes you. Told me she'd buy the shovel, dig her own grave, and let me beat her to death if she ever hurt you intentionally." Quinn considered for a moment. "She was also pretty honest about the fact that she would probably unintentionally hurt you."

Santana looked a little skittish. She'd been hurt so much …

"Sweetie..." Quinn sighed, "she's right. And you'll probably unintentionally hurt her. Humans make mistakes. This isn't high school and I can almost guarantee that Brittany isn't Emily or Kayla. Unless I miss my guess, you're ready to trust her. That song you wrote says a lot. But singing Kelly Clarkson? It's been a really long time since you've been that honest and that vulnerable."

Santana's voice was just above a whisper. "I really like her, Quinn. Like, a lot."

"I know."

"I'm so tired of being scared. I want to just let go, just let myself fall and trust that she'll catch me." The tears started forming in her eyes.

Quinn moved closer and wrapped her arms around the Latina. "I think she will. I think, really, that you're ready. You've been more and more like the Santana I met all those years ago. Feisty and fearless."

"She's just so beautiful and funny and smart …"

"Um...not to stroke your ego but you're all of those things, too, sweetie. And she sees that. She's definitely smitten. You couldn't see the way she was looking at you while you were singing. She actually forgot she was holding her camera. She lifted it before you started to sing but lowered it the minute you opened your mouth."

"Really?" Santana was unsure. Could Quinn be right?

"Really." She stood up and kissed the top of Santana's head. "Oh, and, for the record, she tried to hide how jealous she was when you leaned your head on my shoulder tonight." Quinn chuckled when Santana gaped at her. "Pretty sure she wants to be the one who gets to cuddle with you." Quinn winked and then went back to her own room.

Santana turned off the bedside lamp and snuggled under her covers. She smiled to herself; thinking about Brittany cuddling her made her feel safe and didn't send her into a panic.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

They were at the Student Union and Brittany grabbed her hand and held it tightly. Santana tried to pull away but Brittany wouldn't let go. "You know you want this." Brittany sounded … wrong. Her voice was too deep, too hollow. They were suddenly in an unfamiliar bedroom and Brittany had her pinned to the bed. She was struggling. She tried to push Brittany off her. "I love it when you struggle. Scream for me."

Santana woke up drenched in sweat. She sat up and looked around her room. Nightmare. Fuck. She grabbed the bottle of water off her nightstand and drank half of it in one go. Sighing, she stood up and stripped her bed, remaking it with fresh sheets. It had been a really long time since she'd had one; especially one that bad.

She stepped into the hall and went to the full bath that sat between her room and Quinn's. A quick shower and some fresh clothes later and she was lying back in bed.

She thought about waking Quinn but decided against it. Before she could over-think it or talk herself out of it, she grabbed her phone and dialed.

"Santana? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Brittany's voice was soothing, calm. Its normal soft and sweet tone.

"Nightmare."

"Are you alone? Do you need me to come over?"

Santana smiled. Yes. This was the real Brittany. Dream Brittany wasn't Brittany. She'd just needed to hear the blonde's voice to confirm it.

"Quinn and Daniel are here but I just needed to hear your voice."

"You wanna talk about it?" Brittany asked softly.

"You were trying to force yourself on me … but it wasn't you … your voice was all wrong. That's why I needed to hear your voice. I'm sorry," she finished quietly.

Brittany was silent for a moment. "Santana? I am so sorry if I'm pressuring you. I really don't mean to be."

"No. No, Britt, you're not. Not at all. I knew it wasn't you." Santana caught the slip of the nickname but didn't correct herself. She was in so much trouble with this girl.

"Okay. If you're sure..." Brittany sounded unsure.

"I'm sure. Really."

"Thank you."

"Why?"

"For feeling safe enough to call me. For trusting me." Brittany said quietly. "It means a lot."

"Thanks for answering."

"I'll always answer." Brittany said quickly. "Well … unless I'm in the bathroom or class or work or something."

Santana giggled.

"Think you'll be able to get some more sleep now?" Santana could hear the smile in Brittany's voice.

"Yeah. I think so. Thanks again."

"Anytime. Hey … what are your plans for today?"

"Library. I've got a paper due at the end of the week."

"You wanna maybe have lunch around eleven and then go to the library together? I need to do some work on my laptop – I can do it just as well at the library as I can here."

"I'd like that."

"Golden Griffin at eleven, then?"

"Sounds great. See you then."

"Night, Santana. Rest easy, dream well."

"You, too, Brittany. G'night."

They hung up and Santana slid back under her fresh sheets, falling almost immediately into a deep and dreamless sleep.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

In her room, Brittany lay awake. She thought about what Santana had said. About the nightmare. She hoped she soothed Santana's fears … but what if she was the reason Santana had that nightmare? What if she was doing something to scare the Latina?

It would kill her … but if the Latina needed it, she'd step back.

With a heavy sigh, and a heavier heart, Brittany closed her eyes and slipped back to sleep.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

They met at eleven at the Golden Griffin and Santana gave her a warm smile. Brittany smiled back as they were seated at a table and gave the waitress their drink orders.

"How was the rest of your night?"

"Better. Thank you again. I'm really sorry I woke you."

"I'm not." Brittany hesitated. "I … think we should talk. It's nothing bad," she hurried to say as she saw Santana's face fall, "I need you to listen to everything I'm going to say before you answer, okay?"

Santana nodded slowly; clearly afraid of what the blonde was about to say.

"I like you, Santana, like a lot. I really enjoy spending time with you and I don't know if you realize how special you made me feel last night with that song and how honored I was that you trusted me enough to call me last night."

"But ..." Santana said with a sad smile

"There is no but." Brittany shook her head. "I want you to know that I do not want to spend less time with you; if I could, I would spend even more time together than we already do. This isn't about me, though. What do YOU need? What do YOU want? If you need to step back, need to take some time away … I'll hate it but if that's what you need, I'll wait. I thought about your nightmare and it made me think that I'm doing something that's bringing some past stuff up. I don't want to hurt you or pressure, ever. So if you think you need time away from me, I get it."

Santana looked at Brittany with tears in her eyes and Brittany gently took Santana's hand, softly running her thumb over the back of it.

"Tell me what you want, what you need, Santana." She said quietly.

"No one's ever asked me that," Santana whispered through her tears.

"Well, I'm asking. What can I do?"

"Britt … I don't want to take time away. I don't need time away from you. I really like you, too, and I really like spending time with you." Santana said hurriedly as she wiped away a few tears. "Please … don't walk away."

Her voice sounded so small, it broke Brittany's heart and she was quick to respond and allay the Latina's fears. "Hey. No. Nononono … never. I am not walking away. Not trying to, not going to. I just don't want to cause you pain." That was the second time Santana had called her Britt and it made Brittany hopeful.

Santana shook her head. "It's not you. It's me and my screwed up past." She looked up at Brittany. "I knew it wasn't you in the nightmare, it didn't sound like you. It didn't matter that it looked like you; I KNEW it wasn't. That's why I called. To hear your actual voice. I really don't want or need a break of any kind, Britt. I want to have breakfast or brunch or lunch or whatever we wanna call this and then go hang at the library with you."

Brittany smiled and nodded. "Then that's what we'll do. Just so I'm completely clear about what I said and what I mean; we do this at your pace, your comfort level. I love spending time with you. I would spend every minute of my day with you if I could. Not seeing you on a daily basis would … probably … kill me." She grinned as Santana giggled – which had been her goal.

"Thank you. I mean it, no one has ever taken into consideration what I wanted or needed. I appreciate that so much."

Brittany smiled a little broader. "Well, I like you. I care about you and I want you to feel safe and comfortable."

Santana smiled a little brighter and nodded. "Okay."

"Good."

They enjoyed their brunch; Brittany never did let go of Santana's hand and Santana didn't seem to mind.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

They'd been at the library a little over an hour when Santana set her pencil down and sighed softly.

Brittany looked up from her laptop. "Everything okay?" She kept her voice down in deference to the others studying around them.

Santana got a little fidgety before meeting Brittany's eyes. "Yeah. Um … Britt?"

Brittany again had to smile at the nickname; seemed Santana was getting more comfortable with her. "Yeah?"

"Did you … did you … um … did you mean what you said?" Santana stammered.

"Probably, I don't make it a habit of saying things I don't mean but you're going to have to be a little more specific because … um … we have had a lot of conversations." She smiled encouragingly at the pretty brunette.

"When you said that, when I was ready … you'd take me out on my first real date?" She finally managed to get out.

Brittany grinned from ear to ear. "Yes. Are you telling me you're ready?"

Santana bit her lip and smiled shyly, nodding. "Yeah."

"Santana, would you like to go out with me Friday?"

Santana smiled broadly and Brittany's breath caught. There it was. That smile. That smile that caught her a year ago and didn't let go.

"Yeah. I would."

Brittany remembered to breathe and her smile got even brighter. "I'll pick you up at five for dinner. Anything you don't like or are allergic to?"

Santana shook her head.

"Chinese?"

"There's a Chinese restaurant here?" Santana's nose scrunched in confusion.

"There is. It's hard to find unless someone who's been there tells you about it."

"Then, yeah, Chinese sounds great."

"Okay. Normally, I'd want to keep it a surprise but I don't want to add any more anxiety than necessary so … Chinese for dinner then, depending on what movie is playing at The Wads, a movie and finish off with ice cream?"

"Sounds great."

"Good. I can't wait."

"Me either." Santana smiled at her again and Brittany actually felt herself swoon a little.

This girl was going to be the absolute death of her.

Xoxoxoxoxoxo

They had a quick bite to eat at the Student Union before parting ways for the evening. Brittany didn't want to leave her, it was only seven, but she knew she had to do laundry and Santana had started looking tired around six.

They spent the evening texting back and forth and Brittany couldn't stop smiling.

Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Santana was smiling when Quinn walked into the apartment at nine.

"Hey. Someone's in a good mood." She said to the brunette as she plopped down next to her on the couch.

Santana grinned. "I've got a date Friday night."

Quinn's eyebrows shot up. "With Brittany?"

Santana gave her a look. "No. With some rando I picked up at the library today." She rolled her eyes. "Of course with Brittany!" She smacked Quinn's thigh.

Quinn laughed. "Well, tell me everything."

When Santana finished telling her about the nightmare and the conversation at brunch and the library, Quinn was nodding thoughtfully.

"You could have woken me. I thought I heard you in the shower last night … or, early this morning."

"I know." Santana nodded. "But I need to hear Brittany's voice; I knew it wasn't her in the nightmare, the voice was wrong. So I needed to actually hear her voice."

"Kyle?"

Santana nodded.

"Been a long time since that's creeped up."

"Yeah. I know. Brittany was so … god, Quinn. She asked me what I wanted; what I needed. She was afraid she was pressuring me or something." Santana's face fell a little.

"What's wrong?"

"What happens when she realizes what a hot mess I am?"

"First; you're not a hot mess. Everyone's got something in their past. You've been dealing with everything that happened pretty well. If you're worried, maybe go talk to your counselor again?"

Santana nodded. She really didn't want to do that. She'd been doing so much better.

"Second; she likes you. You. For all your fears and trust issues and whatever else, she's been standing there just waiting for you. You said it in your song; she stands true, hand outstretched waiting. I think, once you're secure enough to share everything with her, she's still going to be standing there."

Santana took a deep breath. "Yeah," she smiled, "she does seem to wanna stick around. I mean ... she didn't have to go to the library today but she did because she wanted to ... hang out with me?"

"And why wouldn't she? You're pretty amazing, S. As much as you might think you're not. You are."

"Thanks, Q."

"Yeah. Yeah. Don't get all sappy on me now." She laughed.

They decided to watch a movie and popped some popcorn. Santana felt better; her conversation with Brittany had helped and talking it out with Quinn made her feel so much better. She couldn't wait for Friday.