147th – Iara Clarion, District Nine
(tw: suicide)
…
Aquina Peretti is a bad person. This a new realization for her, because in the past she always seemed to be an okay person. She wasn't great, but she wasn't horrible. She wasn't a killer. She didn't strike fear into the hearts of children.
This year, a disproportionate number of kids were Reaped. By kids, Aquina means kids. Ones who are twelve or thirteen. It didn't bother Aquina back on the train, when she saw seven tributes under the age of fourteen shuffle to the stage in terror. But after cutting down three herself and seeing the other four in the sky…god, it's getting to her.
Aquina hurt those kids, she killed those kids. She killed others, too—when the Career split, it was a bloodbath. Aquina was the only one who made it out relatively unscathed. And now, here she is. Trying to convince herself to walk the last twenty feet to the Cornucopia. She knows the girl from Nine is there now, waiting for her to arrive so they can fight. Aquina is standing just behind one of the hedges, hidden from view, trying to make herself do it.
It's just one more kill. Aquina has done worse. The Nine girl is sixteen. It's not like the tiny, cowering twelve-year-old from Eight that Aquina ruthlessly cut down.
Aquina can do this. Physically, she can kill the girl from Nine. But will she?
That's the important question. There's nothing physically stopping Aquina from turning the corner and ending the girl from Nine's life. But, god, there's already so much blood on Aquina's hands and it's already driving her insane. If she goes out there and kills that girl, she'll have to contend with it for the rest of her life. The others she killed are already haunting her. She can feel them, even now, judging her choices, asking her if it was worth it.
It wasn't. It wasn't worth it. Aquina wants to go back in time, wants to forget that any of this happened.
It's too late for that. But it's not too late to do the right thing.
Slowly, Aquina removes a knife from her belt. It's not her main weapon, but it will work just fine for what she needs. She can't bring those kids back from the dead, but she can ensure she can never hurt anybody again, and she can make sure that she pays for what she did.
The knife glints in the early morning sun. Aquina looks toward the sky, past the rows of hedges trapping them in a maze. It's a beautiful, artificial blue.
She can't live with herself now. She's a bad person, she's a horrible person. She volunteered to do this, and she can't take the heat. All of the people she hurt are egging her on, telling her to do it. Just one more kill, and it will all be over.
Aquina plunges the knife into her own heart. It takes less than a moment, and that's plenty. She collapses to the ground with a horrible cry of pain. It's agony, but it's what she deserves. She shut her eyes for what she think is a moment, but when she opens them, the girl from Nine is standing over her.
"Why did you do that?" the girl asks in horror.
"Couldn't bear it," Aquina mumbles. "Couldn't live with it. Had to do it."
"Oh my god," the Nine girl says.
Aquina couldn't live with what she had done. But that's okay. She made it as right as she could. She can't bring those kids back from the dead, so this will have to do.
Anything to be free of her regrets.