Holdo's brain was literally smoking from rage. She still hadn't decided whether to accept what she was seeing or try to wake up from this nightmare. The hangar lights had been turned off one by one, and the crew, who had finally managed to get together, were now dispersing instead of getting into the damn pods.
She tried to breathe deeply, but it mostly just made her look sick. Her men stood like statues, doing nothing. She couldn't hear their minds racing, only her own. She had to think harder. She couldn't stand there another minute. Because they didn't have another minute to loose!
She looked around as much as she could without moving her head. Overhead, a few downed cables, some heavy crates two metres away, weapons even further away, impossible to reach in time. One thing Dameron was right about: there was no point in having herself stunned.
Dameron. She could have strangled him. And them?
Looking at the traitors only made her more nervous, so she chose to stare at the toe of her boot until calmed down. And that's when she saw it. The thick tube curved almost at her feet. The heavy steam that circulated inside it escaped into the air like tiny clouds at the joints. Amilyn needed no more than a moment. She put her weight on the other foot and lifted her leg to kick the old iron apart.
"Don't you dare" one of the pilots' voices boomed, aiming his blaster at Holdo's chest.
Her hand rose defensively. No way! She almost screamed in annoyance. It was only a moment! Why was she looking down? What a petty mistake that was!
On the inside she was howling and stomping, but stood totally still anyway. It doesn't matter. She had fought far more battles than to freeze in a situation like this. Amilyn Holdo wouldn't give in so easily - she looked at the men pointing guns at her. Don't they understand they're going to die?
She felt like she was tied to a tree during a forest fire. Now the time has come when nothing matters anymore. The base was within reach, the fuel was at the last drops. They must get in, they must go!
New plan.
She took a deep breath before raising her eyes to the man in front of her. She dared boldly declare that she was just about to make one of the most embarrassing scenes of her life. Every muscle and nerve in her body resisted, but she didn't care. Her face could take anything, just make it work!
.
Poe checked all the computers on the bridge and stopped the evacuation process. Meanwhile, he watched on a small screen, as the hangar went dark slowly. The small group in the upper right corner was still motionless, he acknowledged. He hoped they were behaving themselves and he wouldn't have to resort to nastier means.
C-3PO stepped in. Poe didn't even look up.
"Commander," the droid began, then quickly corrected himself. "Captain Dameron, Admiral Holdo was looking for you"
" Yeah, we spoke," he cut the conversation short.
"She was looking for you just now" buzzed 3PO. Poe paused for a moment, but his fingers immediately returned to the buttons on the control panel.
"I don't have time for this 3PO. Go back to General Organa's bedside, you have no further business here"
"According to the regulations, the admiral has the right to request a personal audience with you, and the rest of the crew has agreed. She said she regretted leaving you out of the proceedings. She wanted to apologize and let you in on her plan. If I may, sir, the Admiral has followed procedure in all situations. She was under no obligation to inform you-"
"Enough," he hushed and held the small receiver - he was talking to Finn – back up to his ear. They're on their way back, they need time, okay. He gave them time. But he needed to know more than that now. He listened, but all he heard was the sound of footsteps. They clattered metallically on the floor. Like they were running. And then silence... Too long.
Drop your weapons, now! Hands up, Rebel scum - the other end of the line buzzed again, and then an all-too-familiar voice rang out.
Phasma.
Poe lowered his hand, his face white as snow.
"They didn't make it"
"What? Captain?" the droid asked back, but Dameron was already hurrying towards the door. He hadn't expected their plan to fail. He couldn't think about it, he had to believe it would succeed. Now he couldn't breathe. Whatever Holdo had devised, however clumsy and foolish her plan was, he might be able to start on that line. He needed a new plan, and he needed it now.
When he entered the corridor leading to the hangar, he slowed down. The Admiral doesn't need to know what was happening. When he entered finally, he was no longer panting, his face confident, his chin slightly up.
Holdo was looking at the ground. She looked up slowly only when Poe stopped right in front of her.
"I just..." she began. Poe could barely hear her voice over the hum of the machines. She was so quiet. He stepped closer to her. Amilyn swallowed before continuing. "I wanted to... to tell you that... I apologise..." she said irritated.
Poe straightened slightly. He could see it was taking her a great deal of effort to squeeze out those words. His mouth almost pulled into a smile. Problems or not, how many admirals have ever apologised to a captain? Mostly her. Holdo. Poe had it coming. If only because his achievements made him nothing more than a Flyboy in her eyes. He deserved this moment and he wanted to enjoy it.
"Apologise" he raised his eyebrows. Her temples seemed to swell a vein. Poe would have had a stroke aswell, if he was Holdo now, so he could totally understand.
"Apologise" she squeezed it between her teeth again, but her sweet voice slightly took the edge off the words. Poe didn't dare admit it to even himself, but if that very word slipped from those sharp lips again, his trousers would choke him.
"I hope you don't think I'm letting you go just for that?" he asked, his eyebrows knitting.
Amilyn glared at him. Although she thought it was far more than Dameron deserved, it was obviously not enough for him. Nothing was enough for the ego of his kind. But for God's sake, she wasn't going to kneel and please him as a token of gratitude - she remarked sarcastically to herself. And to let her go for that... she secretly hoped, yes, but he would never know about it.
She needed a new plan. Again.
There was no time and she was no well. Trouble was coming soon, she felt.
"I wasn't expecting it" she said dryly.
"Good, we are starting to understand each other. I'm all ears, Admiral. You have something else to tell me, I assume. So?"
Poe tried not to sound too enthusiastic, but he needed a working plan more than ever. He had to get what he could out of Holdo.
"But of course" she closed her eyes for a moment. Poe waited. It made up for everything, seeing her this frustrated. Seeing her suffering like this. But when Holdo looked up at him again, the irritation was gone. Poe saw that she was breathing harder. Her eyes were sleepy, only half open.
He immediately snapped back to reality. The others noticed the change aswell. Holdo's face contorted. She touched her temple and hissed. Then looked back at Poe. Despair. That was what he saw. Just like that night. He took a step towards her.
"Help" she breathed, then collapsed.
Dameron reached for her, as soon as her leg crumbled. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. Holdo's head fell on his shoulder as her body went limp. D'Acy pressed her hands over her mouth, startled.
"Stars! What's with her?"
Poe did not reply. He felt infinitely stupid. He knew she was sick because he'd seen it. And yet he put her standing there like a houseplant. He was not normal. Just as it wasn't normal for him to disarm this woman one minute and then try to protect her the next. He'd ordered Connix to stun her, and now he was holding her like holdong a little bird with broken wings. This issue was really starting to drive him mad.
He put his hand on the back of her head and slowly sat down on the floor with her. His heart leapt as he held her in his arms again. She was warm under his palms again. The delicate lines of her body. The curve of her neck, that slender waist.
It was only then that Holdo spoke, lifting her lips to Poe's ear. Her warm breath brushed the skin of his neck. Poe winced. Strangly, her voice was strong and hard. Cold as ice.
"No offense, Captain"
Unable to even react, a moment later he felt the barrel of his blaster against his chest and was sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Amilyn jumped up immediately. Her aim was sure and accurate. She stunned three gunmen in front of her almost simultaneously, then looked at the fourth and waited with eyebrows raised. By then, her men had come to their senses aswell and had their guns drawn. The other members put their weapons down slowly. She sighed in satisfaction, simply stepped over Poe and immediately reached for one of the officers' radios. Her high-pitched voice now cut through the air like a thunder.
"This is Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo, who's still in charge of this cruiser. I am speaking to those who wish to live to see the next dawn. Return to your positions and proceed with the operation as planned. But now!"
.
Her voice echoed through the corridors, repeating her words as she made her way to the infirmary, almost at a run. Everything would be all right now, but she wanted to take care of Leia herself. At least for what little time she had left. How many decades had she known her? She couldn't remember exactly. How could she say goodbye to her in a few minutes?
"Oh my God" she gasped as turned into the hallway and found herself face to face with none other than General Leia Organa, standing on her own two feet. She still wore a white bed gown, but her eyes burned with that familiar fire, she has known so well. She smiled warmly as caught sight of her. "My God," Amilyn repeated as she ran over and wrapped her arms around Leia, laughing. She was at least two heads taller than her, so had to drop to her knees. But she did so. She always did it for Leia. As she was always squeezing the soul out of her.
"You're a little too happy for me," said the general in that mischievous tone that Holdo liked that much. "Hm? Amilyn?" she asked again, when heard her friend, who had been laughing in her neck until then, now sniffle barely audible. "Hey" she pushed her away.
"Let's get out of here, we don't have time. The transfers are waiting for all of you, ready to go" the admiral smiled. Her eyes sparkled again. Leia knew her better than that. Amilyn never showed her emotions, never said what was bothering her unless she was forced to confess.
"I want to hear your report now" they finally started. "But when we take off, you know I'll have more questions" she gave her a knowing look, because even if she didn't know everything, Leia Organa felt everything.
"Yeah of course" Amilyn said lightly and picked her feet up a little faster. It wasn't time to talk about this yet. Leia asked for the report. Then the report... "Long story short..."
.
"It can't be a simple spy" Leia said, almost to herself, after Holdo had told her everything that had happened since she took control of the Raddus. At least, almost everything. Dameron was mostly left out. She hadn't had the time, the energy, or the slightest idea what it all meant anyway. But there was no point in dwelling on it. These were emotions. And emotions always came last for Amilyn when she was needed in battles. She had enough trouble now, for example, with how to keep the general informed without letting all the important information slip out of her mouth. Fortunately, Leia could read between the lines.
She had to tell her about the spy. That problem will not go away with the Raddus. It won't go away with Amilyn either. She trusted only Leia. She always knew more about these things than she did. Amilyn was like an encyclopaedia, but Leia still knew things that Amilyn couldn't understand at all.
"You're not helping by telling me what it can't be" Amilyn said louder, because by then the cruiser's sirens had been switched on. The walls of the hangar echoed the operator's words.
Leia wondered. "The night it attacked you, what stopped it?"
Holdo stared at the floor. She knew she had originally meant to finish the sentence: how the hell are you still alive? Well, she did not know the answer. Unless Dameron was a witch from Dathomir - of which Amilyn was dead certain, was not.
"Nothing. I don't know, I really don't remember" she shrugged.
"I see. Is it still here?" she asked after a pause. "In your mind?"
Holdo slammed her back against the pod next to them. With tears slowly forming in her eyes, she looked up at the ceiling until she could hold them back. When she spoke, her voice was a little hoarsely.
"It's not going anywhere"
"I see" Leia said softly. "Ami, I don't want you to get scared-"
"I'm not that frightened kind" Holdo snapped at her, forcing out a giggle.
"Only the Force can do such a thing. It's not a spy, sweetheart. But a Sith"
Amilyn's eyes widened. Leia did not look away. She stared into her friend's sky-blue eyes until she saw that she understood what she was hearing. Holdo slowly knitted her brows.
"You say that…"
"Snoke, I assume. He's got the ability to do it all. To control you or even..."
"Kill me"
"That's not going to happen" Leia took her hand, and for her touch, the admiral's mind seemed to return to this galaxy. "And I must say, it's not bad from a Non-Force user. Not at all" she smiled. "He thought he'd have an easier time with you than me. But he didn't know, what I knew long ago. That Amilyn Holdo, my dear friend, is not ordinary, definitively not normal and probably not human either" she smiled, then pulled her away from the pod and walked towards the waiting crew.