Longing
Healing for Dick was much like the Earthen tides, going out for some relief only for the water to return to crash over him and swallow him whole. It was difficult not only for him but for me as well. I will not lie. Not only seeing him suffer but its effects on his relationships were difficult to withstand. We, as a family unit, were fine. More than fine. Thriving, even. But when it came to the bat family, particularly the Batman...
If one thought that Dick leaving him to create the Titans was extreme, it was nothing in comparison in the wake of Jason's death.
Their falling out was quiet but deadly. No yelling, no physical fight ever occurred. It was an icing out that killed them both the same, I was sure of it. Dick deleted every ounce of evidence that Bruce existed. All ways of contact ceased and he tried to forbid me from bringing Mar'i to see him. I drew the line there, as our biggest fight between the two of us was about that. Finally, it was agreed upon that Mar'i would have supervised visits with Bruce and I would be in attendance. The interactions between Bruce and I were stiff and formal beyond comprehension. There was warmth between Mar'i and her grandfather, but he never once asked about his first son. And I didn't talk about him either. It was bigger than me and not my place to meddle. It was awkward but manageable. Ultimately, it was for Mar'i.
I put my energy into loving Dick, into us being the best partners as Starfire and Nightwing, and into being a mother to our daughter. At her five-year mark, we anxiously hugged her as she went to her first day of school. Dick seemed more on edge than me, which was unusual for him. I watched as he flexed his hands (his only tell), and Mar'i went into the building, a bubbly smile gracing her lips. As he turned to leave, I took one of his restless hands, holding it in my own. He paused, allowing me to give him a reassuring smile, raising our joined hands so I could kiss the back of his. He laughed then, some of that anxiety slipping for a fraction of a second. He then paused, sighing deeply.
"He's missing everything."
Dick said it so quietly that I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly at first. My face fell when I finally understood who "he" was. It felt like he had not talked about his father in years. And yet, today had brought that thought out of him. I lowered our hands, only releasing him momentarily to envelope him in a bone-crushing hug. He clung back, a silent wetness sliding from him down my neck, barely felt.
On the outside, we were emotional parents saying goodbye to our daughter for the day. But to us, to him, it was coming to grips with a decision that had shaped all of us. A man becoming a father without his own to guide him.