Chapter 10
Kreacher chortled over his specific orders. The beds the Weasleys slept in were to be lumpy and damp, and their clothes would not be washed for them. The toilets were to smell.
Mrs. Weasley was not to be allowed to cook, and he was to serve up only such food as Mr. Weasley paid for. The kitchen was warded against anyone who was not named on the wards, because Sirius did not see why he should subsidise the lifestyle of a bunch of freeloaders who were already living rent-free in his house, uninvited. He also failed to mention that if they left, they would forget where the house was until Kreacher collected them to bring back, because his fidelius trumped anything that Dumbledore might try.
This led to a frantic floo call from Dumbledore, wanting to get in for a meeting.
"Tough, I'm on holiday with my godson and ward," said Sirius. "We'll be back in two or three weeks."
"But what can have gone wrong? I cast the fidelius charm with Moody as my secret keeper, and now he can't find the house."
"But I put up the fidelius charm when you told me it was needed, despite all the other wards," said Sirius. "Obviously your fidelius won't replace the fidelius of a lawful owner who ties it to the wards."
"I've had Molly on the floo in tears, she can't get into the kitchen."
"No, I warded it against meddlers."
"But they have no food, Sirius." He had his disappointed look.
"They have the use of Kreacher; he's an adequate cook."
"But he won't cook unless paid!"
"Well, obviously not. You don't expect him to steal to feed the Weasleys, do you?"
"Well, can't he get money from your vault?"
"No," said Sirius. "I didn't ask them to stay, they aren't paying me hotel rates, oh, wait, they're not paying anything at all. The least they can do is to pay for their own food. You didn't expect me to keep the largest, greediest, poorest family I know did you? No of course not, it's completely unreasonable, and you'd never be unreasonable. Now, I'm busy packing; see you when we get back, toodle pip!"
Kreacher was becoming fond of his master, and went back to the task in hand, sowing the curtains with doxy colonies and spreading as many boggarts as he could muster in various cupboards. On the second floor, which was off limits to the unwanted visitors, he had made a hole through the floor so as not to seriously damage a ceiling when he let water drip through into Molly's and Arthur's bedroom.
The number of large spiders had also increased dramatically. Kreacher cackled.
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Sirius left with three boys – they were taking Neville – for the Riviera.
Here they met up with the Grangers, and Sev had his first close look at an itsy bitsy teeny weeny white bikini on Hermione's golden tan.
"G...g...golden goddess!" said Sev, blushing mightily. "Your eyes are amber and your hair has golden lights, and..."
"And yes, I'd like to be your girlfriend, Sev," said Hermione. "I love Harry, dearly, of course, but more as a brother."
"G...g...g..." managed Sev.
"Harry! We've heard a lot about you, but not about this Sev," said Dan Granger.
"Oh, Sev has been held hostage for years by followers of Voldemort," said Harry. It was not strictly a lie. "He was going to be sacrificed for Voldemort to have a new body, to punish his uncle, our former potions master, for betraying Voldemort to spy for Dumbledore. Only there was an awful muddle of things going on, and Severus Snape gave his life to save Cedric, Sev and me. Oh, that does require a lot of explanation." He filled them in on the competition, and who Cedric was, and praised Snape for his bravery. "And Sev... well, he has an inheritance, but like me, he's now a displaced orphan, so my godfather has taken him on as his ward. He fell rather heavily for Hermione almost right away, which isn't surprising, because if I didn't look on her as a sister, I should think I could fall for her. But I'm not clever enough for her; Sev is."
"Don't do yourself down, son," said Dan.
"I'm street smart, not book smart," said Harry.
They had been there two days, Hermione looking gorgeous on the beach with a book, Sev looking awkward on the beach beside her, running errands for her, and Neville and Harry using gillyweed to explore the beautiful seas.
And then Harry walked into the last person he expected to see; Fleur Delacour.
"Fleur!" he said, pleased. "How are you doing? I thought you were in London with Bill Weasley."
"I cannot be ze girlfriend of a man wiz a muzzer like zat," said Fleur. "He was second best, in any case."
"Oh, did you fancy Viktor Krum?" asked Harry.
"'Arry! 'Ave you forgotten zat you save my sister, and you save me, and you are immune to my allure? But I zort you were wiz Hermione."
"Oh! She is my dearest friend," said Harry. "But she's sort of with my friend, Sev. Hey!" he yelped. "Are you..."
Fleur chuckled.
"I am," she said, and kissed him.
Harry decided not to fight the delicious sensations. He kissed her back.
They fell apart.
Sev's comments to Hermione seemed suddenly very profound.
"G...g...g..." said Harry.
"You will see a lot of me from now on," said Fleur. Harry thought he was already seeing a lot of her as she was topless, and blushed. He wished his swimming trunks were baggier.
"I, uh, right?" he said.
"Oui, I am coming back to 'Ogwarts for two years to repeat zose subjects I did not do well in because of ze competition, and to enter ze charms mastery wiz Professor Flitwick. If you are my boyfriend, I am sure we can find time to be togezzer."
"That," said Harry, "Would be sublime."
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Harry wrote a long letter to Minister Fudge, thanking him again for all he had done, and telling him what fun he was having for the first time in his life, and that he now had a girlfriend.
He managed to sound innocent in dropping in her name over how pleased he was that she would be at Hogwarts, and what a splendid opportunity that was to foster better relations between their respective countries.
Sirius had told him that the minister had a secretary who was dead set against 'creatures' and getting the minister seeing the diplomatic advantages would make sure that Harry's new girlfriend would not have any hassle. Harry was quite pleased with himself.
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"Hermione..." Sev dug his toe into the sand. "I need to tell you some things about myself before... before we get too fond of each other. I... I'd betray you if I wasn't honest about myself. And... and I'm not who you think I am."
"You mean, you're also Professor Snape as well as being Sev Prince, and when you came back to this time, you somehow ended up being in the wrong body?"
Sev spluttered, staring.
"Hermione... how long... I mean... when...?"
"I started putting things together when I was at home," said Hermione. "I... I' m not sure exactly what it was, but there was body language, and your vocabulary... which I adore. And... and I suppose you think I'm just a callow little girl."
"If I was Severus Snape in the wrong body, I probably would," said Sev. "But I'm Sev Snape, now Prince, in the right body, and the memories of being grown up rather like the memory of a bad dream. I... I'm not a perv, honestly. As an adult, it would never have occurred to me to... oh, shit, I hate speedos."
"It must be one of the harder aspects of being a boy...oops, sorry, no pun intended," said Hermione. "It's okay; I do understand. Mummy gave me The Talk and explained that I would manage to embarrass all my male friends if they saw me in a bikini, and that a lady doesn't notice such things outwardly even if she marks the reaction out of ten privately... oh no, I wasn't supposed to say that."
"How did you mark it out of ten?" asked Sev, blushing hard.
"About twelve," whispered Hermione.
"I... I'm glad I wished to go back as my teenage self," whispered Sev. "I... I didn't think about you, I'm afraid, because I didn't know you... as you... only as a student... I wanted to carry on being friends with Harry..."
He was engulfed in a Hermione-hug, and rather tentatively put his arms around her.
Hermione kissed him, and he found himself kissing her back.
He broke away after a short while, his face mortified.
"I need to go swimming, right now!" he said.
"Ooooh!" said Hermione. "I'll come with you so nobody thinks it strange, and we can race."
He nodded, grateful for her tact.
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"This boy, Sev, he reminds me of Harry when we first saw him, a bit scrawny and underweight, though he's plainly got new clothes," said Dan to his daughter.
"Yes, now Harry and Sev are being looked after by Sirius they'll be fine," said Hermione. "Neither of them say anything, but Sev said something about having a chance to have a childhood, and I know Harry's never been to the seaside, so I should think both of them have had unhappy homes before. And don't make any cracks about collecting them just because Neville is abused in a different sort of way."
"I won't, love, but on the other hand, I'm glad my little girl has the compassion to reach out to those in need," said Dan. "So long as it's not something sudden and powered by pity that makes you want to be with Sev."
"No; he's someone who is dependable, always ready to back a friend, and he has the one thing Harry lacks, which is a thirst for knowledge for its own sake," said Hermione. "Harry will work as hard as anyone if he has a goal in mind, but he would rather chase a snitch than a juicy piece of research. Sev uses his skills to improve on the standard potions, and to make up new spells. And he uses lovely long words."
"Ah, a paradigm of perfect prolixity," said Dan. "What? Do you think I wooed your mother by posturing in my whites at the tennis club? I wowed her with words, baffled her with baloney, and conquered her with casuistry."
"He also has a lovely sense of humour," said Emma, coming in to the room. "I hope Sev is not humourless; it would make me less happy to accept him."
"He's solemn, but he has a fine sense of irony," said Hermione. "I think his sense of humour is lurking, but at the moment, he's trying a bit too hard. When he relaxes, we shall see."
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The post arrived in the morning, and Sirius was glad that they were in a private chalet when an owl bearing a red envelope arrived.
SIRIUS BLACK, YOUR HOUSE IS A DISGRACE AND SO IS YOUR ELF! I DEMAND THAT HE LETS ME COOK, AND STOPS SLOUCHING ABOUT INSULTING ME AND MY FAMILY! RONNIE IS TERRIFIED TO GO TO THE TOILET AS NONE OF THEM FLUSH AND MOST OF THEM POUR OUT SPIDERS AT HIM! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
Sirius sniggered.
"I brought some howler paper in case of this," he said.
He got out some red paper.
"I'M GOING TO DO NOTHING ABOUT IT! I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOU TO COME AND STAY! YOU HAVEN'T PAID ME A PENNY! THE ONLY THING I MIGHT DO IS INVITE KREACHER TO JOIN ME ON HOLIDAY SO YOU HAVE TO GO HOME AS THERE'LL BE NOTHING FOR YOU TO EAT. TELL YOUR SON TO STOP ANNOYING MY SPIDERS!"
"Petty and childish," said Harry. "I absolutely love it."
"They won't go, alas; no such luck," said Sirius. "But I might as well enjoy their discomfort."
"Tell Kreacher to put lentils or dried peas under their undersheets," said Sev. "All nobbly and uncomfortable, but nothing apparently wrong with the sheets."
"Nice one," said Sirius. "Kreacher!"
Kreacher arrived. He was wearing a huge grin and an outsize posing pouch.
It was not a pretty sight.
Sirius blinked.
"Is not clothes. Is old slingshot," said Kreacher. "Padded with old dish cloth."
"Fine, carry on," said Sirius. "Sev has an idea."
Sev repeated his thoughts, and Kreacher cackled, happily.
"Kreacher, in muggle joke shops, you should be able to buy black face soap, which looks like ordinary soap, and whoopee cushions, which make farting noises when you sit on them," said Harry.
Kreacher beamed.
"The Black family leaves no stone of revenge unturned," he said.