Inuyasha listened as Sakura explained that he didn't have any of his memories. The two looked a bit annoyed by this and asked if this would be resolved. She then looked at Inuyasha as she was unsure if he wanted to explain or not. "Masane said she thinks I will."
"Alright. Before you disappeared, we were supposed to have a meeting. I suppose it shall be postponed for now. We wish you health. However, what do you think of beginning governing lessons?"
Inuyasha listened to their explanation but that didn't sound like something he wanted to do. He looked at Sakura and back before thinking, "Uh, whatever Sesshomaru wants me to do then." He was sure since the youkai didn't seem to want anything to do with him that he probably didn't want him messing with government stuff. They didn't seem to like this answer and bowed before leaving. He waited for a moment and looked at Sakura, "That was weird right?" She nodded quietly.
They ended up walking around again and Inuyasha was laughing at her stories. He was still upset about not having any memories, but he was starting to think it might be better to not have them. He didn't know why, but he felt like a lot of weight was off his shoulders. When he was retiring for the night, he tried asking his youkai what its problem was again. It wouldn't answer him. Then he realized that his human half was quiet. He was sure that it wasn't quiet before. He tried talking to it, but it wouldn't respond. He then tried questioning his youkai again and then again about its fear of their mate. The only thing it would say was to be wary…which wasn't normal.
He sighed and relaxed in bed. He didn't have any memories, his mate wanted nothing to do with him, and his human half was missing in action. He was looking at the window, wondering about himself and all the things he'd been told. Maybe he should wander around more to see if anything jogs his memory.
The following morning, he had breakfast and then jumped over the castle wall. He was walking and looking around, enjoying the trees. He felt comfortable like this, to the point where he kicked off the uncomfortable shoes and really dug his claws into the dirt. This felt familiar. The comfort of nature. His youkai was warning him again, which made him scowl. He came across a stream and sat with his feet inside. He wasn't expecting his mate to appear suddenly or for him to look so angry. "What are you doing!?" He growled.
Inuyasha scowled, wondering why he was so upset. "Exploring the forest?….am I…not supposed to…?"
Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes, when he felt the hanyou moving, a guard quickly came to inform him. However, he hadn't really gone anywhere. "No, not while you don't have your memories. Stay in the fortress."
"Ugh…you'd think I was a child." Inuyasha mumbled.
Sesshomaru glared at him before he sighed heavily. "Yes, with how much trouble you cause you definitely fit the bill."
"Asshole."
"Bastard." Inuyasha stared at his mate and came a little closer, examining him. "Is there a reason you're staring at me?"
"Is there a reason I'm not allowed to?" He cheekily asked. Sesshomaru scoffed before beginning to walk back to the fortress. Inuyasha smiled and followed behind. "So why didn't you just send a servant or guard to come get me? Is there a reason you came yourself?"
He didn't think the youkai would answer him at first, "You have a history of being violent with the staff."
Inuyasha frowned, "Yeah, Sakura told me." He rubbed the back of his neck, "I don't know if my personality is different now, but I wouldn't normally do something like that right?"
"No, you wouldn't." Sesshomaru mumbled.
"…have I hurt a lot of people?"
"You've been killing people since you arrived." Sesshomaru took a moment to look at the hanyou that was following him. He looked upset by the news. "It is forgiven Inuyasha. Most have been able to be resurrected."
He nodded quietly and continued to follow him back to the fortress. "So, what do you even do all day?"
"Governing the lands. Meetings, paperwork."
Inuyasha nodded, "That sounds boring as fuck."
"It can be." Sesshomaru nodded at his crass assessment.
"How do we know eachother exactly?" This made the youkai stop moving. He turned and looked at him. Inuyasha felt uncomfortable, like the youkai would blow up at him like he had during his heat. He understood that the lord didn't really like him, but he didn't understand why he was so hostile. Especially when he didn't have his memories anymore.
The youkai started to look conflicted before he sighed again. "I've known you your entire life."
This seemed to surprise the hanyou. "Really?"
"Yes." Sesshomaru was curious now. Mainly about how much the memory loss was affecting. "Does the name Naraku mean anything to you?"
Inuyasha blinked at the question, "I think Sakura mentioned him once."
Sesshomaru was only a bit worried about the next name he was going to say, "What about Izaiyoi?"
The hanyou froze, then made a pained expression. "I don't know why but…that name….makes me sad….." He was frowning and the sky darkened as a light shower began. The youkai looked at the sky and frowned.
"It's your mothers name." Sesshomaru explained. Inuyasha nodded sadly as they continued to walk. "Your memories seem to be there. Perhaps Masane is right in her assumption, and you need only time to recover them." Inuyasha nodded again. Sesshomaru's inner beast was demanding that he comfort their mate. Inuyasha was currently walking behind him, so he stopped. The hanyou looked confused and waited for him to speak. He held out a hand. He took it although he was still confused. Sesshomaru held his hand and pulled him along, trying to use his youki to comfort him.
Inuyasha was still curious about why his mate couldn't stand him. Especially when he did things like this. He squeezed his mate's hand and smiled to himself though his youkai seemed extremely unhappy about the contact like before. When they arrived, it was around lunchtime and Inuyasha was surprised that his mate joined him in the dining hall. He decided to keep asking the youkai various questions about himself. "Was I really pinned to a tree?" He questioned.
"Yes, because you've always been a reckless idiot." Sesshomaru said as he sipped his tea. Inuyasha smiled to himself while moving the food around on his plate. "Are you done eating?"
The hanyou thought about it before nodding, "Yeah, I'm not really hungry anymore. How old am I?"
"Technically 203, truly 253."
"Right right, tree time." He tilted his head and stared at his mate wondering why his youkai disliked him so much. It seemed weird to him. After lunch, Sesshomaru went back to his duties and Inuyasha went to his own rooms. He decided to take a nice bath and relax for a while. He thought about his mate that both hated him and didn't. He wished there was someone else he could ask. He thought about his features and how he held his hand, and his cock twitched.
He figured that maybe they mated during his heat and that's why they ended up together, and since there was no way to remove…a…mating…mark….. He paused in his thinking. "There is a way to remove it….why do I know that…? Why didn't I say something?" He was so confused. Inuyasha shook the thoughts away, "I had to have had a reason…"
He pulled himself from the bath, wondering what his mate was doing. He was going to go spy on him, but his youkai urged him not to, telling him to avoid the youkai. Ignoring it he began searching for the youkai. It was easy to follow his scent, but he stopped, feeling the youkai's obvious anger. He sighed and went in a different direction. He didn't want to upset him when he was already pissed off.
Inuyasha meandered around the fortress alone for the rest of the day, realizing he was really bored. There was nothing for him to do and he didn't have any duties or responsibilities especially while he was recovering. He was antsy. It was as if he wasn't used to sitting still for long periods of time. Knowing what he'd learned about himself from the people around him, he wasn't really surprised.
The following day he decided to jump the wall again. Mainly because he found Sesshomaru's reaction to be funny. He went in a different direction though and ended up in what looked to be a youkai town that was nearby. He was confused at first because it felt like he'd never seen a town of youkai before. He was walking around and looking at everything, garnering quite a bit of attention as people whispered to themselves about him.
He felt his stomach growl at the smell of the food. He didn't really like youkai food as much as human food but couldn't deny that it smelled good. He didn't have any money on him though. He continued to walk until he was out of the town and just enjoyed the feeling of peace he felt when he was in the forest once more.
Sakura had asked several times if he was bothered by the fact that he didn't have any memories and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't, but things seemed fine. He wasn't fighting for his life, he had readily made meals every day, and no one tried to attack him. He would say the only problem he had right now was his youkai and human half's. The youkai really didn't like their mate but wouldn't tell him why. Then, there was his silent human half which he was worried about for what felt like the first time in his life. He walked around for what felt like hours, completely lost in thought and flinched, striking out when he was suddenly grabbed. He snarled at his assailant but froze when he saw Sesshomaru looking at him. "Oh, shit sorry."
The youkai glared at him, "Do you get a kick out of disobeying me?"
"A little yeah."
Sesshomaru wanted to toss him from a cliff. "It is for your own safety that you need to remain in the fortress."
Inuyasha shrugged, "If I'm so strong and skilled like Sakura keeps telling me, why? Who's gonna attack me?"
The youkai sighed, he just didn't want to deal with this anymore. He searched their surroundings making sure there were no prying ears or eyes before looking at him again. "You have not marked me. If a noble who wishes me to mate their offspring learned of this fact. You would be targeted and killed."
Inuyasha's eyebrows shot to his hairline before he scowled. He couldn't understand why he wouldn't have marked the youkai in turn. "So, if I marked you, you wouldn't care if I ran off somewhere?"
"No, as you said, you are more than capable of defending yourself and they wouldn't have reason to target you unless they wished to see me meet my end." Sesshomaru mumbled, he had wanted to speak to Inuyasha about a lot of these things before.
"Oh, like those council guys?" Inuyasha paused at the way Sesshomaru looked at him.
"What did they say to you?" He growled.
"Nothing really, just greeted me and said we were supposed to speak before I disappeared. Sakura told them I didn't have any memories though." Inuyasha explained. The youkai was irritated. They had no reason to approach him. "They wanted me to take some classes or whatever, but I told them I'd just do what you wanted, and they got kinda mad about it."
The king nodded and began to pull him along. They walked quietly and Inuyasha just continued to take in his surroundings before finally asking the question that had been nagging at him, "So how am I supposed to mark you when you don't even wanna sleep with me?" This stopped Sesshomaru in his tracks.
Inuyasha froze a bit with the look he was being given. "I'll be happy when this memory situation resolves itself." He murmured but he wasn't sure if that was the truth. He…liked how pleasant Inuyasha was behaving currently. He didn't want him to return to being that skittish creature. That caged and terrified creature. It would make more sense to have him mark him now and when his memories came back let him run off rather than waiting. He was debating with himself about this. The youkai began to curse his inner beast once again. He hated it. He hated himself. He decided to ignore the question and continued pulling him back to the fortress.
The hanyou was put off by his silence and just let himself be pulled along quietly. He wondered if his question had made the youkai uncomfortable and bit his lip thinking about it. At the fortress they walked through one of the gates and Sesshomaru didn't release him. He continued to pull him along, garnering many looks from those that lived there. Sesshomaru pulled him all the way to his room before closing the door behind him. He looked at the hanyou, taking in all his features. "Do not give those lurking in the shadows of the fortress a reason to target you Inuyasha." With that he left him alone. Inuyasha began to feel a bit bad about how much his mate wanted to distance himself from him. He'd didn't remember but he was certain he never imagined himself being such a terrible mate to someone.
He then began to meander around the castle, exploring places he hadn't yet been. He made it to a garden that servants were still working on and began to walk around. It looked really nice here. Eventually, Sakura joined him and talked about what she'd been up to while she was away. He found her weird, but he liked her honesty. He thought back to Sesshomaru's words about how many people he killed. He asked Sakura about it, and she rubbed the back of her neck with a frown. "I was…almost the first…person you killed…" The hanyou's eyes widened. "Adviser Kotono ended up being the first…Lord Sesshomaru had told us all repeatedly to…leave you be so really…it was our fault milord…"
Inuyasha wondered what was going through his mind at the time. "Then you killed two servants who disobeyed you…but….."
"But?" Inuyasha watched her become uncomfortable and she whined a bit. "What…happened…?"
Sakura took a deep breath, "I…don't wish to upset you milord…"
"Don't worry about it, I'm not gonna get mad, just tell me what happened."
Sakura looked at her feet before speaking, "You had been…pregnant but…before the servants…you removed the pregnancy…you…regretted it…I heard you….asking yourself why you would do that…..so I knew it was uncharacteristic…." She chanced looking at him and could see how distraught his expression was.
"…" He couldn't help but believe that was the reason his mate looked at him the way he did. He didn't think he'd feel comfortable around his mate if he'd done the same thing.
"Milord….it isn't my place to say but….you….aren't to blame…." This confused Inuyasha. However, Sakura had been at his side since he'd awoken and had been forthcoming with giving him information he was missing.
"What do you…mean?" Inuyasha stopped when he saw what looked like a mini graveyard. "Who's buried here…?" He murmured.
Sakura whined a bit before answering, "It was partially destroyed by your rampage but I've been told it was the children of royals that didn't live beyond 10 years of age."
Inuyasha thought that was morbid, but it made sense with the age of some of the grave markers. He was confused. He wanted his memories back. Things were starting to weigh on him and he could feel his head begin to hurt. Sakura followed him back into the fortress and to his room. He relaxed onto his bed. He didn't understand what Sakura meant when she said he wasn't at fault. How wasn't he at fault? He ended the pregnancy. He took a deep breath but couldn't stop his hands from shaking. He stood to go ask Masane for something, as he was certain she would be able to help.
He told Sakura not to follow him and made his way to her rooms but was surprised to see Sesshomaru leaving the room. He felt awkward and didn't know what to say to the youkai. "Are you alright Inuyasha?" He asked.
"…yeah I'm fine. I uh…just um…" Inuyasha sighed but felt his anxiety grow, aided by his youkai that was uncomfortable being so close to the lord. He was starting to have a hard time breathing and realized he was freaking out a bit. The hanyou could feel Sesshomaru's youki trying to calm him down but it slowly became worse.
"Come here." Sesshomaru held a handout and Inuyasha took it. The youkai pulled him into Masane's room, and the woman helped him calm down.
"Milord, what brought this on?" She asked after going through her usual questions.
"I don't know." He shrugged. He really didn't know. The medicine helped a great deal. His body felt better, and relaxed. This was very helpful. He'd felt like he was going to suffocate. She looked concerned about that and continued to check him over. Masane could see that his youkai was frightened and tightly wound. It made her realize that the youkai might remember what had happened and just wasn't telling the hanyou.
"What were you doing before you came here?" She asked taking out a notebook.
He sighed, "Walking around with Sakura like usual. We went to this garden, and I don't know…I was just really uncomfortable. It's…just frustrating not knowing anything…"
"Is that why you keep jumping the wall. Do you feel more comfortable there?"
Inuyasha thought about it, "….well yeah…I think. I like that there's no one there…and it's quiet and doesn't smell like people." There were always people meandering around the fortress. It was hard to find time to be alone and he didn't want to be cooped up in his rooms all day. "I like the way the dirt feels on my feet. Feels freeing…." He trailed off.
"Milord?"
"…what's your fucking problem…?" He mumbled to himself, his hand instinctively finding the hilt of Tetsuaiga. He scowled, he knew that, normally, his youkai was very annoying. Just as annoying as his human half. He wondered if he should mention it to Masane. The fact that he hadn't once heard his human half's voice since waking.
"Lord Inuyasha?" Masane tried watching him look up at her.
"Sorry, not talking to you. My youkai is….being really weird…."
Masane paused, "Is there something else?"
"Um. I don't know if you know this but…hanyou…we can hear our other half too, our human half, but….I haven't heard it since I woke up….I don't think I've ever been worried about it before…."
This concerned the woman. "What do you know about that part of yourself?"
Inuyasha pursed his lips, he knew his two halves really affected him, but he didn't really know much about his human half beyond how capable of love it was. It helped keep him regulated like Tetsuaiga did, but he wasn't sure how much to tell her. "It's usually…really talkative. About a lot of stuff that I don't always notice right away…or when I shouldn't do something that would be a little fucked up." He sighed thinking about it, "It's so annoying I didn't think I'd be so uncomfortable with it missing."
She nodded and wrote some things down. "From what I understand, humans are a lot more susceptible to trauma. Whatever happened to you when you returned, must have made a lasting impact on it. How is your youkai half?"
"…..weird…." Inuyasha mumbled. He made eye contact with Sesshomaru who was standing to the side and quietly watching. His youkai was uncomfortable with him being in the room. Frightened even.
"In what way?"
The hanyou thought for a moment of how best to answer the question, "Well, I'm sure I usually feel like it's trying to kill me and destroy my human half but…it's like it's trying to protect me for once…like how it is for full youkai. Y'know?"
The statement threw Masane off. "Your youkai half wasn't one to protect you from harm?"
"No, not really. It just sort of always wants to kill people and stuff. It's angry and violent but it's really quiet now too…" Inuyasha felt his stomach clench uncomfortably, "I think it would sometimes answer my questions, in an annoyed manner, but it would at least give me something…but now…it's like it's just watching….even if I put the sword down….it doesn't attempt to take over….or devour my soul anymore….I don't understand what's wrong with it but I know it doesn't act like that." He sighed, "Even now…it's not talking…it's just…observing…"
Masane was starting to feel like she was in over her head. She didn't understand hanyou. She understood youkai. While physically, the hanyou was very much like a youkai. This…this was too different and unusual. "We may have to contact the human healer again. She was able to give us some assistance with your wellbeing before. Perhaps it would be wise to search for one with history with hanyou."
Sesshomaru nodded. He couldn't be too pissed off at the hanyou for not understanding anything about himself. He did find it annoying though. Masane finished checking him over and quietly walked him back to his rooms. Sesshomaru wasn't certain of it before, but he was sure his youkai had memories. "Allow your youkai to take control Inuyasha."
The hanyou looked confused by this but tried to do as he said. However, his youkai made no move to take control like it typically would if given this opportunity. "It…doesn't want to…..? What the fuck is going on…?" He questioned incredulously. Sesshomaru approached him and he felt his youkai twist into a knot of fear.
"Come out now. I need to speak with you and don't wish to forcibly pull you out mate." He spoke in inu.
Inuyasha could feel his youkai's apprehension as it pulled deeper within himself. He set the Tetsuaiga aside to give it more leeway, but it still refused to come out. He looked at Sesshomaru but began to beg it to tell him why it was so afraid of the youkai. There was nothing the creature feared, not even the threat of death would usually stop it. It was like it had matured beyond that animalistic beast and gained some sentience. He thought to it, "I won't let them force you out if you just tell me what's wrong. Why are you afraid of him?"
He could feel his youkai's fear intensify, but then he got a glimpse of a memory. He felt his stomach clench, he was yelling at Sesshomaru. Telling him he'd rather mate his enemies than be stuck with him. "But…why…?" It was seemingly reluctant to show him more.
Hurt…He heard it whisper back to him. Sesshomaru hurt him, and that's why the youkai was fearful, but that didn't explain its reluctance to share its memories. He blew out an annoyed breath.
Sesshomaru sighed and told Masane to do as he said. His youkai began to panic and then Sesshomaru's began to screech at him to stop frightening their mate. That he was still hurt and needed to be comforted. Inuyasha held his hand up to Masane. Sesshomaru raised a brow. "I told it I wouldn't let you force it out if it doesn't want to." Sesshomaru glared at him.
"Can you at least tell me about my human-half? Since I'm helping you out here?" Inuyasha murmured to himself.
"….." It was silent for a long while. "…you…."
"Me?" He questioned outloud. "What do ya mean me?"
Masane and Sesshomaru listened in closely, wondering what the youkai was telling him.
"….better like this…."
"…what the fuck are you talking about….?" Inuyasha questioned. "So, you're not gonna tell me shit then?" He growled, feeling frustrated. Why would he be better like this? It didn't make sense.
"What has it said Inuyasha?"
"…that I'm better like this…" Inuyasha paused as his youkai cut him off, "No….human half….you…better like this…." A tear suddenly rolled down his cheek and he swiped it away, "What the fuck…?"
This caused him to freeze, and he repeated what the youkai had said out loud. Inuyasha's head began to hurt again, and he looked at the other two occupants in the room. Is that why everything seemed so vague? Why he was missing so many memories? While it was clear the two youkai hadn't understood…he did. He began to panic a bit, is that why it was so quiet? Why it wasn't attempting to take control? What…was happening to him? He felt a whine of discomfort leave his mouth. Inuyasha cut the two off that were deliberating. "…it can't just be…gone…."
Sesshomaru reached out to him but wasn't prepared for the flinch. Inuyasha hadn't even expected to flinch but with his youkai so tightly wound he couldn't help himself. The youkai seemed surprised by his reaction and lowered his hand. "I will begin to search for a healer versed on hanyou." He murmured as he left the room.