Transcript Excerpt 13: Jailhouse Rock
[I Fought the Law by the Clash]
Welcome back everyone to another addition of... how absolutely FUCKED we now are. Everyone enjoying being prisoners on our own ship? I know I am! I know I'm happy as can be! Because now I can just drink ichor until I get so blackout drunk that all the shitty things I feel... well they're still shitty but I can sorta haze them a bit.
(A Bottle being Smashed hard against the ground is heard)
Need me another batch. Zaps! HEY ZAPPY! Can you go down to the hold and get me some... oh that's right he's not here anymore. He's hanging out with the humans. Cause he turned on me. Turned on me like we turned on the humans and then Zek turned on us.
It's a veritable turntable runaround ain't it, folks! HA HA HA! You know in situations like this, you just have to laugh, because what else do you FUCKING have at rock bottom? No clue! But I'm there! And I'm surrounded by all the accumulated shit in my life! Super-DEE-Fucking-DUPER, mateys!
And if you're wondering how I'm keeping myself from being a complete and total mess, well, I've been dipping into my pure sugar stockpile to up my lows. It's all any of us can really do. Gotta just up the lows! That's what music does! Here! Have another on me!
[Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies]
[Rusty Cage by Soundgarden]
I suppose around this time I'd be asking for calls and shit from everyone, but what's the point? Most of my listeners aren't listening no more. No one to blame but myself, ya know? I mean, I knew they'd hate me, but you never think about how much they're going to hate you when you jam their frequencies and shit during a fucking terrorist attack. And why? To steal some relics, that you and your crew did a lot to grab in the first place, just so your boss than fly off without you to fame and fortune on his own.
Like I said, in these situations, all you can really do is laugh.
(There is a very long pause)
Okay, never mind, it's not working so well. Maybe the sugar is wearing off. I know there's a packet around here somewheres. ... Oh look a call! Isn't that nice, someone still cares! You're on the air, last of my few precious friends.
Yeah, Boz, this Zhad. We're all really concerned right now. I mean, you're often blitzed to fuck out of your mind, but you're usually... you know, coherent and happy and... not... whatever this state is.
Depressed? Horribly, utterly, broken beyond repair depressed? I think that's the diagnosis.
Look we're all taking this hard and no one is expecting you to be smiling or anything. No one... wants you to be killing yourself over this-
The humans do, the humans I stabbed in the back! My audience, betrayed by their priest of rock!
You didn't do any more than us! I mean we all played a role!
You didn't have your finger on the button that set it off! You weren't the ones who spent weeks upon weeks, building and shaping and establishing themselves as the voice of the space pirate. Here to show everyone what we could offer the Marines and Soldiers and Troopers and crazy badass cyborg demon-thingies. That we could all be friends! That music could unite us and what do I do? I use my music to hurt them! I turned my radio station into a means to bring them ruin! I have done the worst thing a Disc Jockey can do! I betrayed the spirit of rock n' roll!
(Heavy amounts of sobbing followed by the chugging of drink followed by more glass smashing)
Boz, come on, you were following orders! If you didn't play the trigger signal, you'd have been... I don't know, keelhauled? Do we still do that? I mean we're in space; you'd probably be dead if we tried that. I suppose we could give you a suit but that defeats the purpose-
How many times can I say I'm sorry over and over? I said it so many times! I just wanted to be a good morale officer! That's all! This was my calling and I pissed in it! Pissed in it and soiled it! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!
Oh for the love of... Boz, just lay off the ichor and play some music, calm down! Please! We're seriously worried for you and none of this is helping.
Fine, fine, next track I guess.
[Chain Gang by Sam Cooke]
[Still Doing Time by George Jones]
You know, you think that the humans wouldn't be so angry. "Mob Rules" is a really good song. I didn't think they'd get sick of it that fast. Was it the lack of variety that screwed me? Screwed us? Probably.
I just keep thinking back to how it all blew up in our faces. At what point did this all go down the shitter and we just kept letting it? We probably could've done more, both of us. We could've given the humans more of a hand with what they wanted to do. We could've put more of our own muscle into stuff instead of relying on them all the time. I guess we could've... I don't know... not kept ourselves so separate and all that. The degrees of separation we forced on ourselves, that's the problem! We all got too insular, didn't give each other more of a chance.
Or... or maybe it just never was gonna work. Maybe Marines and Pirates just can't be friends. And now there's another call.
Boz, it's Kaz, have you considered just... turning the station on auto for a bit and NOT broadcasting this out loud? Because I'm not sure its helping as much as you think.
It's my job, Kaz! It's my one and only job on this ship! And I'm doing it! I'm doing it even if no one wants to hear it! Okay! That good enough reason for ya?
Alright, alright, look, how about you try and give some updates. How are we doing?
Well, if I have anything to say about shit, we'll be running out of sugar before long. Sugar... you know that's where it really started. When we found out what this stuff does to us. We used that as our meal ticket. We should've cut the humans in on the action. Then they wouldn't have been so mad at us, ya know? We could've worked out a deal, like you're supposed to and all that.
Given their reaction, I really doubt that. I don't think it was being cut out of the sugar profits that hurt relations. It was the whole... crime thing under their noses. That's what pissed them off.
You know who also liked sugar? Zapap, little Gassy Zappy. He really liked sugar. He was always after the stuff.
I don't recall you giving him any, actually.
Well I would've if he asked... or I should've because he did ask but I forgot. Fuck it, man! I just miss the little guy! Sure he was an ugly little fellow and his suit smelled because of the stuff they put in them to detect methane leaks, but he was fun, he was useful! All I'm thinking about is all the times we shared. I'd leave to hit the bar without prior notice, he'd take over until I showed up whenever I felt like it. I paid him my leftover sandwiches, he slept in the corner under the back console. I'd send him out to do interviews, he'd probably get ridiculed by the crew in the process, but he took it like a champ! He was the best assistant disc jockey a kig-yar could ever ask for.
Boz... you ever wonder maybe you didn't... treat him as well as you think you did?
Oh that's ridiculous, how could Zappy ever hate me? That's why his betrayal hurts so much, I had no idea it was coming. How could I ever predict he was at any time angry with me? He was always asking me about pay raises from sandwich crusts, which I did when he got halfsies. And when he took that bottle to the face reporting on that evening's bar brawl, I was the one who taped his skin up until someone with actual medical ability came to help. I'm the one who made sure that picture of his girlfriend that I stole to show everyone got back to him in near mint condition and only just a little bit of bodily fluids spilled onto it.
(Another long pause)
OH BY THE OCEAN I'M A HORRIBLE, FRIEND! WHY DIDN'T I REALIZE THIS UNTIL NOW?!
Well, you kinda don't realize this stuff unless most of your inhibitions have shutdown. I surmise you've had so many ichor rums and sugar packs that you've somehow gained a degree of clarity.
Why did no one say anything?!
Honestly, we thought it was like a gag or something between you two. Also, most everyone found it funny.
I'm terrible morale officer. I betrayed my audience and turned my best friend against me!
Zapap was your best friend?
I thought so! I thought what we had was special but I ruined it! I'm filth! SLIME! Zappy I'm so sorry! I'M SORRY! ZAPPY FORGIVE ME!
(Heavy sobbing continues for about a minute as Boz keeps trying to make words, but only sounds like anguishing tears and squeaky messy crying.)
This... this is not my area of expertise and precisely why I prefer machines. I'm going.
Wait, do you wanna make a request?
I... I don't know. Will it help?
It will help me do my job, which I'm a failure at it seems!
Okay, okay, just... put on the one from that guy the humans claim is the king of rock or whatever.
Can do!
[Jailhouse Rock by Elvis Presley]
{Additional Note: Boz can still be heard sobbing in the background ever so faintly even as the song continues to play}
[House of the Rising Sun by The Animals]
[Mama Tried by Merle Haggard]
The simple fact is I guess, no matter how you try, no matter what you do, you can't ignore the people you hurt around you. No amount of music can do that... or booze. I just keeping going over it all in my head and every time I do, I come to the same conclusion.
We all screwed up. In one way or another. That's just the story of our lives, isn't it? The Fallen Serpent, eternally screwing itself. And maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if Zek was here with us, bearing the load. But he ain't, he's gone, along with all his promises.
That's the fucking worst of it honestly. That's what pisses me the fuck off the most. How much I trusted him, how much we all trusted him... and he just... took off! He saw his exit and took it! Fucking crap, why?
But at the same time, we were kinda screwed. Dead weight. The humans were on board, the Spartan was on the bridge. The fix was in. If Zek turned back it would've been all for nothing. But... well, either way he's abandoning us. I suppose in this line of work you accept it. You fall behind, you get left behind. That's just how it works. But it doesn't hurt any less. It doesn't make you feel any better when it happens to you.
But isn't that what we did to the humans? We were leaving them behind. After all we did together, we were ditching them. We decided to treat them all like shit. Each other like shit. Look, I know you all don't want to hear this, but that's just the cold truth. Zek left us, we were leaving the UNSC, the Unggoy left us because we treated them like crap, Retz got left behind when he jumped out to save their escape and all that. One thing after the other, this is all a story of us leaving people behind. Hell, even the UNSC left those humans behind when they ran off from the asteroid. They're worse off than us too, they're more than likely dead.
So we're all to blame, we were all abandoning people one way or another. Can we really blame Zek for doing the same? Sure, but we're not innocent. We all just... kept fucking up. Not doing much to improve things. Just silently accepting this was all going to fail from the start so of course it did.
No faith, or it drained out slowly. I don't know, one of the two. I guess this isn't doing much for morale right now, but well... I'm just forced to introspect here. Sort things out. That's what prison is for I guess. One massive ass time out while you think about what you've done.
And we've done a shit ton, mates. A shit ton.
We could've had it all, but we all collectively decided to fuck up. And I wish I had an answer as to how to climb back out of the hole we dug but I don't. I just don't. All I can do is... well... play music and hope an answer comes through it all. That and eat more sugar (Sound of a face being smashed into a counter before inhaling) OOOOHHHH that's the fucking good stuff.
[Cocaine Blues by Johnny Cash]
[Fish in the Jailhouse by Tom Waits]
I don't really have much for you guys today, I guess. We have no idea where Zek is. We're on lockdown and can't move anywhere. We're probably going to stay that way until well after the Battlestation attack because we know too much. I don't know what's happening to us, I'm sorry, I got nothing.
I really hate they aren't telling us jack squat. I mean, all we know for sure is Retz is on the Normandy, so if we pull anything screwy, he pays for it and... well, can't have that.
I don't even have another edition of Zek's vid reviews because he didn't even leave one. I don't know what to think of that. He either didn't have time, didn't think there was a point in doing one since we'd be all leaving together... or he really did plan to abandon us from the get go and I should've picked up on that.
No. No. He got spooked by how it looked like we were a lost cause and abandoned us then. Doesn't make it much better but... well at least he didn't plan on doing it all along. That would be way worse. Definitely way worse. I'm not sure if that's a comfort to anyone. I suspect it ain't, but... you have to find... some silver lining in this right?
Oh look, another call!
Back off the optimism, Boz, it's worse than the fucking blubbering.
Hey Keth, how you been? Shit?
What the fuck do you think? I didn't join up all those years ago to sit around in a lockup aboard the very ship I employed under. I joined because they were looking for skilled, capable sharpshooters and I was the best. Almost as good as Zek even, if not fucking better.
I'm not sure, him shooting that plasma core in that Razorfin's jaws... pretty damn good shot.
He doesn't deserve credit, don't give him it, Boz. For fuck's sake, look where we are! We're stuck in this mess because of him. Because he bolted! Because he convinced us this would work!
So, you think he should've waited for us before heading into the rupture? You think we had a shot to get to him in time?
No, but he should've at least waited until the last second. Been bird enough to contact us, get our status, before assuming we were lost! I get it, you fall behind, you get left behind, but I expected better from him! This whole fucking situation is because the fucker wanted his sword and we weren't important to him, just like we all feared.
He didn't plan it this way. It doesn't make it better but-
Exactly, it doesn't. A crew has to hope that their shipmaster has their back when no one else will on a ship. That's what professionals do. Zek cut and run the second he saw things spiraling. That's fucking bullshit and you know it.
I'm not arguing that point. I just don't see what's to be gained by being angry at him right now.
Nothing to be gained, save feeling a bit better we don't have to fucking tiptoe anymore. Let me lay it down thick for you all. Zek is a drunk. He was always a drunk. And he made it seem like that didn't matter, because he had our backs and did whatever he could for us. He had tactical smarts, crazy ass plans that he pulled off time and again. And we went along with them, we believed in him because he had that crazy ass sort of confidence.
All true.
But he was still a fucking drunk. He sat there constantly trying to give himself liquid courage because, as we all saw, deep down he's a fucking coward. He was too scared to stand by this crew when he desperately needed that damn sword of his. But he was never after it for our sakes, just his own. He was a selfish asshole. Which is true of all kig-yar, I'm not begrudging that. But the fact he wouldn't fight for us because it would've cost him what HE wanted? That's just low.
You know, if he comes back with the Cutlass...
I won't be here, even if he somehow does comeback, even if he doesn't. First chance I get I'm fucking leaving. I've had it, and I'm positive I'm not alone.
Now hang the fuck on! Zek fucked us, but that's no reason to be throwing in the towel on this ship. Don't say things like that, Keth!
Too late, it's said.
But think of all the stuff we've shared. The battles, the glory, the fortune, the triumphs and defeats. Didn't we just go through this? Abandoning each other after we tried to do the same to the humans? We can't let all of this break apart because of that!
Why shouldn't we? Because Retz is still here? He's going to want to follow Zek again I wager. There's no future in that.
Keth, listen-
No, you listen! All of you listen! I have been through the fucking shit on this crew! I have been in weird ass treasure digs, fought heavily armed merchant ships, been shoved into Covenant service, been nearly fed to fucking parasite that makes the dead rise, almost blown up on a stupid ring planet, got involved in a fucking war with Snarlbeak, been attacked by robot beasties, had to deal with some alien girl getting her head fucked around with by an alien god's memory, got shoved around through time apparently, had to defend a fucking human colony while nearly get blown to shit the whole while, defending your fucking ass by the way Boz...
Okay, that's being unfair.
Assaulted a major fucking logistics hub in what was very nearly a suicide mission, got trapped in fucking slipspace, and now I'm imprisoned by the humans we all thought we were buddies with.
Before we betrayed them.
Oh fuck that, they fucked us first with their fucking theft of our relics. We earned them fair and square. We should've just left then and there though, not try and get them back. Zek only did that for his own fucking agenda. So why go on? Why go through any more of that fucking bullshit just because you say we should?
I... I don't know. But... all of that... it has to mean something, doesn't it? Even if it didn't turn out the way we wanted, even if we're all feeling pretty fucking low cause it blew up in our faces, even with things likely to get worse before they get better... giving up? Is that really what you want to do, Keth?
It's being realistic. Sorry Boz, but this shit just isn't worth it. I've yet to hear a single convincing argument to make me stay. Save for the one where if I leave the Humies will blast my ass to grass.
We can't just break up this family now!
This isn't a family, it's a fucking crew! A fucking crew that's a fucking absolute disaster at this point, without a shipmaster and without a direction! There's no reason to stay in that, don't give your touchy feely platitudes, Boz! They're just more flotsam in the void.
Alright, Keth, you're right. All of this has gone exactly the worst way possible. There's no denying any of that. I screwed up, Zek screwed up and everyone is already plenty screwed up. But we wouldn't be here to begin if... if we weren't screwed up. We... we can't just break apart. We can't!
Why not?
Because... because then... because then what will we be? Just a bunch of sadsack buccaneers who couldn't pull it together and figure this shit out? We just... give in to the despair and... let it drown us.
You're already halfway there, Boz. What makes you think you can keep this shit together better than anyone else can?
Because... I'm the morale officer.
Yeah, sure. And we're still the crew of a rundown Corvette who's name ain't gonna be worth spit. Time to consider a career change, Boz. Just be happy it was here while it lasted.
Keth-... he's hung up. Damn. Ugh... okay, I need to think. Here's some music.
[Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash]
[Midnight Special by Creedence Clearwater Revival]
Okay, I've given this some thought. And... yeah, I'm not doing okay. None of us are. But I'm not gonna let that stop me... if I can't reach you all here... then I'll do it out there! I'm the morale officer! It is my job to keep up morale! And damn it! I'm gonna fucking do it! Because this ship, at the very least, is not over because of this! I refuse to let it be over! ... It can't be. I told my mom I'd never give up on a good thing and damn it, this ship is good enough and worth fighting for! So I'm done getting wasted in here! ... I'm gonna get wasted and blackout drunk out there with the rest of you fuckers and share the misery! Best I can do! Take us a way, Mr. Cash!
(I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash)
Professor Mordin Solus' Analysis
Most distressing. Jackal pirates fracturing. Clear signs of depression, disillusionment, feelings of abandonment. Seen before. Terrible then. Terrible now. Even for pirates, this is... unfortunate. Absolute despair permeating ship. Seen clearly in Boz. Obvious in others.
Desperate for answers. None satisfactory. Turning to various coping mechanisms. Dissolution of Fallen Serpent highly probable. Lack of leadership. Lack of direction. Both contribute to despondency. Unsure of purpose now. Zek abandoned them. Did so after promising them much. Left without even trying. Suggests he never cared for them. Similar response to parental withdrawal or abandonment.
Boz particularly hit hard. Built personal perception around being bridge. Voice of Jackals. Friend to humans. His actions set off secession. Not cause, but prominent role. Question less of guilt but... responsibility. Can... understand. Sympathize. Not with actions but emotions. Would suggest therapeutic sessions. Professional mental health care. Most likely most of ship needs it. Unlikely they will take opportunity. Jackals in general skittish to psychotherapy. See it as scam.
Viewpoint... problematic.
Recommendation: Let them leave. Not a threat. No point in keeping custody. They are broken. Unfortunate. Can't help them. Won't want it. Need leadership. Direction. Only Retz can give that now. Maybe Zek if he returns. Unlikely in personal estimate.
I'm not going to quibble over how the Jackals feel. They made their bed, they should lie in it. But, I will admit, it is... pitiful to see them like this. Even Boz, who clearly is not taking any of this well. However, I'm not particularly concerned about their little community falling apart. They didn't show the same concern before when said community involved us.
We can't just let them go, but Shepard has already come to us with a proposal based on some recent information. Whitcomb has decided to send them off with him, hopefully they can salvage something from this. After that I don't really care what the pirates do. If Zek comes back I imagine they'll make him... walk the plank? I suppose the airlock is the space equivalent to that. Whatever they decide to do with him or themselves does not matter to the Admiral, the Colonel or me. They, as Boz kept putting it, caused their own ruin.
We have more pressing concerns than their state of mind. Operation: First Strike is about to get underway. We'll be heading into slipspace and going radio silent for the duration. So I'm going to make this final entry in this set of analysis papers brief. The Jackals have proven to be untrustworthy allies despite their usefulness. It is distressing to know we spent so much time on this and have gotten nothing out of it in return. At least nothing from them. I'll be sure to make a full and complete report once we return to Earth.
Assuming this mission goes as planned of course.
Lieutenant Elias Haverson
Office of Naval Intelligence