"You look awful, go get a pepper-up or something, Christ."
"Wow, that makes me feel so much better, thank you." Remus rolled his eyes as he sat next to Dorcas and Mary at the breakfast table, feeling as though he'd been wrung out like a dishtowel. On the day before the full moon it was too much to ask for him to be functional and pleasant, and thanks to the new endeavours of Devon and Briggs, he wasn't sure how much longer he could claim functionality.
The latest attempt to subdue the violent, man-eating creature he was forced to succumb to once every month or so was less extreme, at least. He was quite happy that the days of Briggs poking him with muggle needles were over, but he hadn't expected that the little green tablet he'd been given to take would be just as disruptive.
Sure, it was more convenient for someone not to have to put an uncontrollable and aggressive creature to sleep once a month, but it was deeply unpleasant for him to have to be medicated even on the twenty-seven days of the month when he wasn't likely to tear someone limb from limb.
In their defense, October had been a complete failure. Apparently, over the summer, the two healers had taken a different route with their research. One which was less concerned with immobilising the werewolf, and more with making its demeanor closer to that of the human that was afflicted. It was all good in theory. Remus didn't mind having to transform into an animal once a month if he was able to keep his own mind - certainly it was a little odd, but not the strangest thing in the wizarding world. Plenty of people could become animals.
Besides, it wasn't looking like a wolf that troubled him. It was the fear that, while he had no control over himself, he would do some irreparable and unthinkable harm to someone innocent and have to live with the regret for the rest of his life. It was that fear that made him pity the poor, cursed man who had transformed him.
Unfortunately, this bright idea of Briggs' had led them down the path of 'antipsychotics'.
Of course, he'd been supplied with the paperwork. Reams of small print for him to skim through and read the side effects, warnings of off-label usage and rights to opt out of. He had taken the papers, read the first couple of pages, then the evening before he was due down to the Hospital Wing, had hurriedly retrieved them from the bottom on his school bag and scribbled his name at the bottom.
The 22nd of October had been a disaster. Obediently, he'd taken the tablet offered - one milligram of Haloperidol, whatever that was - and was led down to the Willow. He had been tired, and oddly detached, but that might've been the time of the month. The dusty bed in the Shack had been a welcome sight and he crawled up onto it as though through treacle and waited for the inevitable.
Like always, he had had little memory of the events of the full moon, but had awoken unusually sore and confused the next morning. On the wooden floor and confined by what appeared to be a hastily conjured silver cage, he was confronted again with the fear that he might ruin his own and someone else's life in one night.
Apparently, it had taken four stupefies to subdue him.
And so now he was stuck with a maintenance dose of the bitter little pill to hopefully stop him from trying to tear the matron's throat out. Dragging himself out of bed had been almost impossible, the droopy quality and intermittent headaches that the drug seemed to give him combined with his usual tiredness as the moon waxed was almost unsurmountable. He sat, heavy and bleary-eyed at the Gryffindor table and stared past the food in front of him, trying to muster up the wherewithal to put together a plate for himself.
Double potions was going to be a joke.
Sirius' excited research into a solution for his 'furry little problem' played on his mind almost constantly. He couldn't help but worry that, once Sirius realised that line of research was a dead end, he would have to confront the idea that this was an unfixable problem. He hadn't the heart to keep arguing. He knew the same extracurricular reading had been undertaken by his own parents in his younger years and if his own father hadn't found anything, twelve year old Sirius Black was unlikely to. And so now, stacked on top of the worry that he would eventually come loose one month and ruin another life, was the looming fear that rejection was on the horizon. He had been far too ready to think his affliction would have no bearing on his friendships once it had all come out. Of course, now he was some project to be completed as far as Sirius was concerned. His eyes found Lily, who was locked on conversation with Mary, and his face burned self-consciously.
He let Dorcas and Marlene's bickering wash over him and tried not to think about how dry and arduous his mouthful of toast felt. The day stretched ahead of him, a long line of demands that ended in his monthly nightmare. The likelihood of any of these miserable trial drugs resulting in a solution he might benefit from was undoubtedly slim. The idea of struggling through each day like this for the remainder of his schooling, only to come of age and have his life stolen from him again by this curse sent a wave of some deep, gnawing despair over him that made his eyes prickle.
"Are you coming?"
Lily had her hand out for him, thankfully interrupting the tears. It seemed he didn't have space in his mind for more than one train of thought.
"Yeah."
As though he'd been on the Earth much longer than twelve years, he pushed himself up from the table with a determined grunt and the lights went out.
The lights came back on with a sickening lurch of confusion and panic as he tried to understand why everything was suddenly much more quiet than moments ago.
"Sorry about that, Remus."
He didn't bother to try and understand the words, too preoccupied with slotting together the puzzle of where he was.
Pale walls, high windows, strange echo. Hospital Wing.
Marielle's cousin was smiling apologetically down at him in a low armchair that he didn't remember sitting in.
"What's going on?" He heard his own voice echo around his skull as though he had his fingers jammed in his ears.
"You're fine, just got lightheaded in the Hall. It hasn't been long - just a few minutes."
Well, Devon didn't seem concerned, pale face pleasant and open as always. Thankful that he apparently didn't have to worry about blacking out in the Great Hall, he cast his gaze around for an explanation of how he'd gotten out of there in the first place. Devon seemed to read his mind and nodded vaguely in the direction of the double doors, out of sight around the corner.
"Professor McGonagall brought you down, but assumed you might appreciate it if she left."
She wasn't wrong - his cheeks were prickling with embarrassment and he ducked his head in the hope that Devon might not notice.
"Maybe just take the day off, ey, Lupin? You can stay here, if you want, and just take a nap. It's not as though you need an excuse - your professors were all at breakfast."
"Thanks for reminding me," he muttered miserably, picking at a loose thread on his jumper. He wished he was at home. His parents would have let him read Lord of the Rings in their bed while he listened to the sound of them pottering about the house and singing along to the radio. And sure, the nightmare would approach inevitably, but at the very least, he knew he would wake up the same way he had every month for the past seven years with no awful surprises. At the very least he wouldn't wake up and have to immediately confront his own shame as he lay naked and exposed in front of unfamiliar adults.
"Hey- Oh Remus I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that-" Devon flittered awkwardly around him as though he were about to explode. His mind, as though from far away, watched with detached interest as the room blurred and tears started to fall. What was another wave of embarrassment? He wanted to go home so badly, it burned in his chest like a hot spark on paper, growing and consuming him until all he could do was collapse into himself like a dying star.
He could still hear Devon offering useless platitudes over his own heaving sobs.
22nd October 1972
Observation of Child A (referred to as Child A in human form and Wolf A in werewolf form) under influence of muggle drug Haloperidol at 1mg single dose prescribed using standard paediatric dosage for muggle children as cited in the BNFC (1969).
Moonrise due at 18:03. Moonset due at 07:50 of the 23rd. Dose taken at 16:15 of 22nd.
Child A presents with usual lethargy and flat affect as has been observed normally. In addition, complains of headache. No pre-transformation aggression has been noted on previous occasions with Child A. This remains true on 22nd October.
Intended outcome is to achieve general reduced arousal and reduction in aggressive behaviour, as is the typical use of the drug in muggle psych and veterinary settings.
Child A goes to sleep before transformation is due. This is not routine behaviour, but not entirely uncommon.
Wolf A presents with typical initial aggression. Though obviously sedated, still exhibits defensive snarling behaviours when approached. Usual post-transformation drowsiness seems to linger and Wolf A does not move to usual outward aggression - instead remaining defensive.
Wolf A remains in this state (unprovoked) for approximately four hours.
Nearing midnight, there is a period of heightened arousal where Wolf A wanders the environment aimlessly. Researchers are at a reasonable distance to allow for appropriate reaction to change in behaviour, and are therefore within eyesight of Wolf A. It does not seek them out, but does inspect their belongings for quite some time.
Expected duration of sedative effects are approximately fourteen hours, though it has been shown through previous drug usage on Wolf A that metabolisation is faster than can be predicted using a common canine of similar size as reference.
At around 03:30, Wolf A begins to display typical behaviour during full moons which Child A refers to as 'boredom.' Wolf A pulls the bedding from the bed, chews the legs of chairs and scratches at the walls and floors. There is some howling and huffing at the doors and windows.
After several cycles of this, Wolf A expresses interest (watching, sniffing at, approaching at casual pace) in the human researchers for the first time.
Commonly, towards sunrise, Child A reports Wolf A will begin self-injurious behaviour and may hide, whine or scratch at closed doors. Rather than this depressive behaviour, Wolf A showed a steady increase in aggression in the pre-dawn hours, snarling at researchers with raised hackles and snapping. Wolf A repeatedly attempted to close the distance between itself and researchers, who were forced to attempt to subdue the animal by means of stunning spell when Wolf A lunged at a researcher. Wolf A was eventually felled by several stunning spells and was confined within a silver cage until the transformation naturally reversed.
Effective, but therapeutic level cannot be maintained throughout transformation period using single dosage. Child A has agreed to trial low dose of 0.25mg daily in the month leading up to November full moon, with a pre-transformation 'rescue' dose of 0.75mg where 1mg given on 22nd Oct acts as a loading dose.
21st November 1972
Observation of Child A (referred to as Child A in human form and Wolf A in werewolf form) under influence of muggle drug Haloperidol at 0.25mg OD morning dose (commenced on 23rd October) prescribed using standard paediatric dosage for muggle children as cited in the BNFC (1969) with 0.75mg 'rescue' dose taken two hours prior to moonrise.
Moonrise due at 18:15. Moonset due at 07:57 of the 22nd. 0.75mg dose taken at 16:15 of 21st.
Despite low dosage, Child A complains of tiredness and difficulty concentrating over the last two weeks. Morning of 20th, Child A presents to infirmary with apparent orthostatic hypotension with brief loss of consciousness at 08:29. Child A is also uncharacteristically tearful on this occasion and sleeps for several hours afterward before returning to school.
Evening of 21st, Child A presents again to school infirmary at 17:05 in advance of transformation. Again, despondent and tearful, but generally compliant. Sleeps again on arrival at location.
Upon transformation, Wolf A is again defensive and initially aggressive, though again, does not get up or attack. Growls and snarls when approached and chews and licks own paws.
Wolf A sleeps from 21:45 to 03:56. On waking, is again aggressive - growling and snarling. Perhaps confused? Wolf A gets up for the first time at 04:00 and crawls under the bed frame. From here, it is vocal and defensive towards researchers, but does not attempt to approach or attack. Wolf A remains here until transformation at 07:50. Child A is again tearful - anxious about behaviour towards researchers overnight.
More effective with higher therapeutic level maintained with daily dosage. Werewolf essentially subdued without use of tranquilizer, minimal aggressive behaviour and did not seek out the human researchers to attack. Not a complete solution, Wolf A was subdued and defensive, but had no capacity to understand human speech and could not be reasoned with. If approached, high likelihood that it would be provoked to bite.
Child A has poor tolerance of this drug. The detriment to quality of life over the month preceding the full moon is incompatible with long-term compliance with daily dosage.
Dosage will be tapered down over the coming week and use of muggle drugs will be suspended until February 1973.