Donna gets up from the cold and uncomfortable chair every time she sees a doctor entering, but they are all false alarms. She needs someone to come out and tell her something; she's been waiting there for almost 10 minutes, and if Harvey's life depends on that surgery, she desperately prays they start it right away.
"Please, save him," she murmurs, sitting down again, counting the tiles on the floor.
It was one of those nights when work had taken away the chance to go home before dinner. Although coming home just to sleep could sometimes be not so pleasant or ideal, those shared working nights had become their favorite moments. The opportunity to have dinner togetherand share a drink within professional boundaries was the best way they had found to spend extra time together without crossing any of those blurry lines they aimed to keep each other away from.
"I thought the files were in your lap," Donna teased, her voice laced with affection as she observed Harvey's focused gaze fixed on the floor. His attire had shed the formalities of the workday, his jacket and tie discarded long ago. With his shirt sleeves rolled up and the top buttons undone, he exuded a casual charm that Donna found endearing. His disheveled hair hinted at the stress he had encountered throughout the day. That last detail is too tempting for her, imagining what it would feel like to gently drag her fingers there.
Harvey's smile, though weary, conveyed a sense of warmth as he met Donna's gaze. "When I was a kid, I sometimes got really nervous," he confessed, his voice tinged with vulnerability as he shared a glimpse of his past. "My mother always noticed," he continued, a wistful expression clouding his features. "And she taught me that counting things helps relax and focus my mind." Despite the weight of his memories, talking about your mother is never easy. Now I hardly do it anymore, but I guess the habit stuck." He shrugged nonchalantly before taking a sip of his drink, the amber liquid offering a momentary reprieve.
Intrigued by his revelation, Donna leaned in, her curiosity piqued. "Were you counting something on the floor?" she inquired, her genuine interest evident in her tone. Harvey doesn't mention his mother. Every time he shares a childhood memory, he only mentions Gordon or his brother, never Lily, and the fact that he is talking about his mom, that he has the confidence to do it with her, moves her infinitely.
"Yes, the tiles." Harvey admitted, his cheeks flushing slightly with embarrassment. "I did that at school when I had to speak in front of the whole class and needed to manage my nerves to clear my mind. I don't know why, but it worked."
Donna couldn't help but offer a soft chuckle, imagining Harvey as a child. "You got nervous speaking in front of the whole class and became a lawyer? Now, that's a plottwist, huh?"
"I guess my mother's trick worked," Harvey mused, offering her a really soft chuckle that softened her heart.
"Surely, it did," Donna agreed, her smile reflecting the deep bond they shared.
Donna doesn't understand why these memories surface now, but they do, leading her to count the tiles on the floor. She wishes they were as effective as Harvey had promised that time.
Frustration builds within Donna as minutes tick by without any news. She rises again, pacing anxiously. Her thoughts drift back to cherished memories of their shared moments, seeking solace in the warmth of their past.
"Come on, Harvey, you have to be okay," she whispers, her voice trembling with a mix of desperation and determination. "You have to be okay and put this marriage back together with me."
She wonders if her deep breaths and practiced yoga techniques have ever been as crucial as they are now. The weight of uncertainty threatens to suffocate her, challenging her efforts to find inner peace. Her heartache feels unbearable, and she wishes she could trade places with himand endure the pain in his stead.
But all she can do now is wait and have faith in him. And she really finds it quite useless; she wishes she were in there, doing something that would actually save him.
Each passing minute feels like an eternity. Donna's gaze darts to the clock repeatedly, impatience mounting with each tick. She yearns for reassurance that the surgery is underway and that every effort is being made to save him.
In her distress, Donna continues to count the floor tiles, holding onto hope that Harvey's childhood habit might somehow influence the outcome. Memories of his smile, his laughter, and their love bring her some comfort in this moment of anguish.
Finally, a doctor enters the waiting room, causing Donna's heart to leap into her throat once more.
"Are you a relative of Harvey Specter?" the doctor inquires.
"Donna Paulsen. His wife," Donna responds, her voice trembling with fear of the worst news.
"I'm Dr. Adams, part of the medical team treating your husband," he begins, speaking in the present tense, which Donna finds reassuring. "As you know, he has suffered a heart attack. We stabilized him, but he collapsed again, prompting emergency surgery." Donna nods, wiping away her tears. "He's already sedated, and the surgery has started. We'll keep you updated on his condition."
Donna inhales deeply to steady herself. "Is there a chance he'll pull through?"
"Those possibilities always exist, and we're doing everything we can," the doctor assures her.
Donna nods once more, exhaling deeply. "Okay, thank you, doctor."
Alone again, she sinks back into the chair, her heart heavy with worry.
Donna knows that regardless of the outcome, life will be forever altered. The fear of losing Harvey has rattled her to her core, underscoring the profound significance of their love and connection. It's not that she was unaware of it before, but recent events have challenged her entire belief system.
As she stands there, alone with her thoughts, Donna silently prays for a miracle. She closes her eyes, trying to summon every ounce of strength and faith she possesses. She pleads with the universe to spare Harvey, to give them more time together, to let them continue building a future.
The need to feel connected to Harvey compels her to grab her phone once more, intending to stare at the photo she keeps as her lock screen. Yet, the barrage of missed calls and messages from Rachel and Mike obstructs her view, a stark reminder of the urgency of the situation.
Caught in a moment of indecision between solitude and companionship, Donna wrestles with the idea of waiting alone versus seeking solace with her friends. However, the realization that Harvey should have been at the office over an hour and a half ago weighs heavily on her mind, adding to her distress. They should be worried.
Mike interrupts her dilemma with a new incoming call on her screen.
"Hi," Donna's voice sounds too weak, as if it's not really her speaking.
"Donna, finally!" Mike says, much more exalted than Donna can handle right now.
"I'm sorry," Donna's voice cracks with emotion.
"What's going on?" Mike's demeanor shifts instantly, his concern palpable. Donna's usual strength in her voice is noticeably absent.
"We had a fight, a big one," Donna admits, her guilt seeping through her words. "I left for a while because things were getting out of hand." She pauses, struggling to maintain her composure. "Then I got a call from the hospital. Harvey had a heart attack. He's in surgery now," she reveals, her voice breaking with emotion.
Mike takes a few seconds to process what his friend has just told him. "Which hospital are you at?" he asks urgently.
"UW Medical Center," Donna responds, her voice barely audible.
"Rachel and I are on our way," Mike declares firmly.
"It's not necessary, Mike," Donna protests weakly.
"Of course it is, Donna. We won't leave you alone in this," Mike insists.
"Thank you," Donna murmurs, feeling a flicker of relief at the thought of having her friends by her side.
"Listen to me," Mike's voice carries a note of conviction. "This is not your fault."
"Mike–" Donna attempts to interject, but he interrupts her.
"It's not. Not in any way. We'll be there as soon as we can," he assures her before ending the call.
"Yes. It's my fault," Donna whispers to herself, her words heavy with self-blame as she sinks deeper into her anguish.
Before she knows it, Mike and Rachel arrive, offering comfort and support. Mike holds out a bottle of water and Donna's favorite chocolate, while Rachel envelops her in a tight embrace.
"Hey, sweetie..." Rachel's soothing voice reaches Donna's ears as she gently rubs her back. "Just breathe, okay? Harvey will be okay."
"I don't know, Rach," Donna confesses through tears, her anguish threatening to consume her. She can't help but feel like she's staining her friend's clothes with her tears.
"Listen to me..." Rachel whispers, gently pulling back a few inches from Donna's embrace to look at her. "I don't know anyone more stubborn than Harvey," Rachel remarks, attempting to inject a touch of humor into the somber moment. A faint smile tugs at the corners of Donna's lips. "Do you think he'll give up that easily? Come on, you know him better than anyone." She says, wiping away the redhead's tears.
"What was the first thing Harvey taught me?" Mike asks, his hand rubbing Donna's back in a comforting gesture.
"That you needed to wear wide ties," Donna says, trying to sound amused but failing.
Mike rolls his eyes, a faint grin touching his lips. "Okay, then the second thing he taught me."
"That if you're trapped, you have to tear down the damn wall." Donna responds, her voice tinged with sadness as she wipes away her tears.
"Exactly. He did it one thousand times. And he'll do it again," Mike reassures her, his voice firm with conviction.
Donna slumps back into the chair, her elbows resting heavily on her thighs as she buries her face in her hands. "I told him divorce should be an option on the table and left home. What kind of shit does that make me? What if I gave him this heart attack? What if he dies thinking I don't love him anymore?"
Rachel moves to sit beside her, enveloping her in a comforting embrace. "Donna, for God's sake! His heart attack is in no way your fault!" Rachel tells her determinedly, trying to get her friend out of that horrible spiral of thoughts. "First, Harvey will survive this. Second, if there's one thing Harvey never doubted, it's that you love him, Donna."
Shaking her head, she responds. "These last few months have been a mess. Going back to the theater completely destroyed our marriage. I caused this heart attack. I pushed him to the limit."
Mike kneels in front of her, his expression filled with empathy as he squeezes her knee. "Donna, it's not your fault."
"What's not my fault?" Donna challenges, her voice laced with bitterness. "Deciding to leave the firm? Working nights and hardly spending time with him? Letting us grow apart? All the fighting? His heart attack? It's all my fault, Mike!" She meets his gaze with bloodshot eyes, her anger and self-blame palpable in the air.
"Marriages are built by two people. You made a decision, which isn't wrong; it's what you wanted... Then you both didn't know how to handle it? Maybe. In any case, that's both of your fault, not just yours. He's 50% of the marriage, just like you. But this heart attack is not your fault."
"We stopped looking at each other, Mike. Do you get it?" Donna's voice grows increasingly strained, a mixture of anger and hurt coloring her words. "He probably had some symptoms that I should have noticed. I shouldn't have made him so nervous. I shouldn't have left him alone. I'm horrible." She breaks down once more, her anguish pouring out in waves of despair. "I wanted to relive a stupid dream from my adolescence and completely ruin what I wanted most, which was to be with him." She pauses, gasping for breath as tears continue to stream down her cheeks. "Our marriage was shorter than the years we waited for. Doesn't that sound ironic?"
"Stop talking in the past!" Rachel says gently, brushing a stray lock of hair away from Donna's face. "Harvey is in there, fighting for his life. He's here. And he needs you to have faith in him," she continues, her voice filled with conviction. "You're not horrible, Donna. I think you know that. Your dreams aren't stupid. And you can't always predict the future because you're only human, Donna."
"Stop punishing yourself like this," Mike implores, offering Donna the water and the chocolate he brought. "We assumed you'd need something like this."
A weak laugh escapes Donna's lips. "Thanks, but I'm not hungry."
"You should eat a little," Rachel suggests gently.
"I can't, guys, I feel like I'm gonna throw up," Donna grumbles, crossing her arms and sinking back into the seat with a heavy sigh.
"At least have some water," Mike insists, opening the bottle and extending it toward her.
Donna shrugs; she doesn't have the strength to argue, so she takes the bottle and takes a sip. As she sips on the water, she feels a slight sense of relief. The cool liquid helps soothe her parched throat, and she realizes that she must take care of herself, even amidst the chaos and worry. If Harvey wakes up, he'll need her. So she keeps drinking.
However, as she listens to Rachel and Mike's comforting words, Donna finds herself grappling with a myriad of emotions. The ache in her chest refuses to dissipate, a constant reminder of the shitty situation. She closes her eyes, trying to block out the overwhelming sense of despair threatening to engulf her.
"He called me before calling 911," she confesses, because she needs to get it out. "Last night, the play got canceled, and we had agreed to have a serious talk when I got back from the theater. So I ordered food for both of us and opened a bottle of wine, you know, to at least make the shitty conversation we were supposed to have a bit more bearable. But he didn't show up. He didn't show up until an hour and forty minutes later than I usually get home. He came home drunk, and that infuriated me. I called him more than once, and he didn't pick up." She recounts, wiping her own tears. "I slept in the guest room, and we had a massive argument this morning, and then I left, and that's when he called me. But I was so angry, so furious, that I did the same thing he did last night. I didn't answer. I even hung up on him." She clears her throat, which feels increasingly dry, despite all the water she just drank."And then he called emergency services. He called me because he was having a heart attack, and I didn't answer." She breaks down again.
"I'm so sorry for that." Rachel whispers as she wraps her arms around Donna. "But there was no way you could have known, Donna," she murmurs, her voice filled with compassion.
"I should have known," Donna insists, her voice laced with self-recrimination. "I should have realized something was wrong."
"You can't always guess everything, Donna. And now you can't change what happened," Rachel says gently, brushing a stray tear from Donna's cheek. "You can only be there for him when he wakes up."
"What if he doesn't wake up? Or if he wakes up and can't forgive me?" she whispers, her voice barely audible amidst the anguish.
"Harvey will wake up, and Harvey will forgive you," Mike assures her, his voice firm and unwavering. "You both have overcome so much together, Donna. You'll find a way through this too."
Donna exhales deeply; she doesn't have the strength to keep talking. "I'm just so overwhelmed right now," she admits, her voice heavy with exhaustion.
"It's okay to feel that way," Mike reassures her. "Do you know how long the surgery will take?"
"No, they haven't told me," Donna replies and falls silent. She needs to muster the little strength she has left to wait, and Rachel and Mike remain by her side, offering silent support, knowing that sometimes words are not enough.
At times, Donna finds herself nestled among her friends, seeking some refuge in their presence, while at others, she feels the suffocating need for fresh air and paces back and forth in the waiting room.
Her right hand instinctively tightens around her wedding ring, a tangible connection to Harvey amidst the uncertainty. With each turn of the ring, she silently pleads with Lily and Gordon, urging them to watch over their son to keep him safe while she waits anxiously on the other side of the OR.
Minutes keep stretching into agonizing hours, the tension in the room thick and suffocating. and when finally a doctor emerges, Donna is so lost in her thoughts that she barely registers the movement. After so much waiting, she no longer has the strength to be alert; she feels numb. It's Rachel and Mike who gently guide her back to the present moment.
Summoning every ounce of strength she has left, Donna rises from her seat, her legs heavy with exhaustion. She approaches the doctor, her heart pounding in her chest as she awaits the news. Glancing at the clock, she realizes that over four hours have slipped away.
"He's stable." The doctor's words wash over her like a wave of relief, prompting tears of gratitude to cascade down her cheeks. "The surgery was lengthy; he had a cardiac arrest during the procedure, but we managed to stabilize him. He's still sedated, and the recovery will be long, but the surgery was a success." Donna struggles to process the flood of information, her mind reeling at the thought of Harvey's brush with death. But for now, she clings to that hope shining through the darkness—he's stable.
"Thank you so much, doctor," Donna manages to utter, her voice barely above a whisper, her gratitude overflowing.
With a reassuring smile, the doctor departs, leaving Donna to grapple with the overwhelming rush of emotions. Her legs give out beneath her, sending her crashing to the floor, her sobs echoing through the empty corridor.
Rachel kneels beside her, offering words of comfort and a gentle touch. "He's going to be okay, Donna," she reassures, her voice filled with warmth and empathy.
"I know," Donna nods, her tears mingling with a sense of profound relief. "I know."
Mike offers his hand, pulling her up from the cold floor and enveloping her in a protective embrace. "He needs you now," he murmurs, his voice thick with emotion. "And we'll be here every step of the way."
Rachel also hugs her from behind and kisses her cheek. "Breathe, sweetie," she whispers, pressing a tender kiss to Donna's cheek. "The worst is over." She says, and Donna nods, although she knows that what comes next won't be easy either. Clearly, it can't compare to the hell she just went through.
After the doctor confirms that Harvey's heart surgery went well, Donna experiences an overwhelming mix of emotions. Despite their marital crisis, relief and gratitude wash over her upon hearing the news. For a moment, she feels a glimmer of hope that perhaps, just perhaps, this could mark a turning point in their relationship. However, that hope is tinged with anxiety and fear, aware that the path to reconciliation is still uncertain. Despite the complications in their marriage, the news provides her with a momentary respite, allowing her to glimpse the possibility of a future together, however fleeting it may be.
Thank you for reading it