A/N: Hey again! Thank you so much for the lovely comments on the previous chapter, I really appreciate it and it's nice to know that there are people on the other side enjoying my fic. We're already entering the final part of this story... And I hope you enjoy this chapter :)
Harvey stands there, motionless, his heart pounding with a mixture of disbelief and anguish as he watches Donna leave their shared home, the door shutting firmly behind her. Every fiber of his being screams for him to chase after her, to plead with her to stay, but he remains rooted to the spot, paralyzed by the magnitude of the moment. The echoes of their argument still ring in his ears.
Time seems to stretch into infinity as he stands there, just looking at the closed door, expecting her to re-enter through the same door, seeking solace in his embrace, tearful and regretful.
That doesn't happen.
His mind races with a whirlwind of emotions, each vying for dominance within him. But beneath it all lies a profound sense of loss, a gaping void that threatens to consume him whole. He feels like he's drowning in a sea of despair, struggling to find solid ground amidst the tumultuous waves of his emotions.
Donna's parting words echo relentlessly in his mind: "If you go back to therapy, try not to sleep with your therapist again this time. I'd try with a man, you know? To avoid any temptation."
Does Donna genuinely believe he's capable of cheating on her? It's a terrifying and infuriating thought that torments him. Not only is he grappling with the idea that the love he feels for her may not be sufficient or appropriate, that the way he loves her is wrong, but also that his wife—the person he cherishes above all others—suggested that he could cheat on her. It's senseless, considering how intimately she knows him, how deeply she comprehends his innermost struggles, and how she, better than anyone else, understands the magnitude of his past suffering.
As each second passes, the pressure in his chest becomes heavier, his breathing more labored than it was a mere few minutes ago when he believed himself to be one-half of a contented marriage, engaged in a passionate encounter with his wife in the kitchen. He leans on a table situated in the hallway, seeking some stability. However, as he shifts his weight onto his arms, the pain surges, especially at the site of his scar, causing him to emit an agonized groan, tears welling in his eyes.
Everything around him feels like a damn city in ruins, and he doesn't even know how to start looking under the rubble.
And as if that weren't enough, the pain scares him. He hastily checks his pulse and blood pressure via the smartwatch he bought following his heart attack, and it only terrifies him more. As best as he can, he manages to shuffle his feet toward the kitchen, swallowing a pill. The doctor had prescribed them for emergencies to help him relax and avoid further complications. Well, this is a damn emergency.
Then, he proceeds to drag his feet to the couch, where he collapses, letting his head rest heavily against the backrest. His racing heartbeat reverberates throughout his body, particularly in his head, rendering coherent thoughts nearly impossible.
His mind continues to replay the recent events, particularly Donna's final words. Why hadn't he responded? How had he failed to convey that, under no circumstances, would he ever betray her? That he'd sooner meet death than be unfaithful to her? He's not that person. He isn't a cheater. He knows the excruciating pain of infidelity, and no matter what else he may be, he'll never be disloyal.
And the fact that Donna thinks that of him completely shatters him.
Still panting, struggling to quiet his racing thoughts, Harvey reaches for his phone and searches for Donna's contact. He needs to clarify, reiterate, and reassure her that he would never do that to her. He can't even bear the thought of her thinking that way about him. It goes against his very identity as a man, and he's not willing to endure it.
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
The abrupt sound of an incoming call jolts her out of the dense cloud of thoughts, worries, and anxieties that have ensnared her since she collapsed onto the plush hotel bed. Although she has a strong hunch that the call is from Harvey, and even if she doesn't want to talk to him—the last time he called and she didn't pick up, he almost died—so she has no choice. The feeling of guilt is still strong enough to avoid it. With a resigned sigh, she gets up and sifts through her suitcase until she finds her phone. As anticipated, her husband's name illuminates the screen.
"Hello," she answers, and just the sound of her voice communicates to Harvey that she's even angrier than when she left the house they've shared for so long.
Harvey's ironic laugh resonates from the other end of the line. "I thought you wouldn't pick up. The last time you didn't, and I nearly died," he spits out, anger coursing through his veins even faster than his own blood.
"Are you dying now?" she asks, fury welling up from her gut, on the verge of exploding again.
"No, but—"
"Goodbye, Harvey," she interrupts.
"Wait! Now it's your turn to listen to me. I'd never cheat on you, Donna. Damn it, you know that. What's going on? Are you still mad because I slept with Paula?"
"What the hell, Harvey?" she shouts on the other end of the phone.
"What the hell, you, Donna? You know perfectly well I could never cheat on you. You know damn well I'd rather die than do this to you." With each word, his voice raises, filled with a mix of indignation and hurt pride.
"All you care about is yourself, you damn selfish bastard. You don't even call to apologize or have a coherent conversation with me. All you care about is whether I can think or not if you're capable of cheating on me."
"You're the one who accused me." He grunts.
"And you need to defend yourself because this hurts your ego. Isn't that right?" She growls, completely broken amid tears. "Rot in hell, Harvey." She grunts, ending the call and tossing her phone as far away from her as she can on the bed.
Donna Paulsen has always been the one who knows what to do, or at least, that's what everyone expects of her. But at this moment, she finds herself utterly clueless about how to salvage the wreckage that remains of her marriage.
Lying in a hotel bed, regardless of its plush comfort, won't fix anything. Yet, in this instant, it's the only thing she feels capable of doing. As if tears and the suffocating tightness in her chest could provide some magical clarity on what to do next.
She deeply appreciates that it's her day off, with the tempting prospect of retreating beneath the covers until the next morning. She feels pathetic, not solely for landing in this torturous predicament but because she comprehends that failing to repair her marriage won't just destroy her relationship with Harvey—it will destroy her, too.
Nobody needs to remind her of this truth. Her attempts with others failed because it was always Harvey. After more than two decades, she understands that this fundamental aspect of her won't change. Harvey is an intrinsic part of her. Thus, she grapples with desperation as she searches for a way to fix her life, their life.
Currently, the anguish and disappointment overpower her rationality. These emotions are too raw for clear thoughts. She believes she's earned this time—a few hours of crying and wallowing in misery.
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
The next morning, Donna wakes up in the same position she fell asleep in the night before, completely curled up in herself, still fully clothed, and without even a blanket covering her. She feels her body is completely numb, and on top of that, she's shivering from the cold. That might be bad enough, but not as bad as the realization that hits her when she opens her eyes and remembers where she is and why she's there. What angers her even more is that, upon seeing the time on her phone screen, her biggest concern is whether Harvey remembers to take his pills.
Harvey's situation isn't much different. When he turns in his bed and finds it icy cold, he can't help but groan, thoroughly irritated. He has no choice but to get up for his medication, unable to miss the fact that Donna used to bring it to him every morning. As he sees the notes on the fridge door, the pill organizer filled with all his medication for the week, and when he opens the fridge to get some water and finds enough food for several days—because no, Donna hasn't given in to the idea of hiring someone to cook; she insisted on doing it herself—it feels like a fresh stab in his heart.
How can someone who does all that for him throw in his face that she's not happy with him?
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
"Please, please, tell me you don't have court or any meetings this morning that you can't postpone. I really need you," Donna writes to her best friend, and Rachel nearly chokes on her coffee because Donna never asks for help like this.
"What's going on, Donna?" Rachel responds immediately. Her first thought is that Harvey might be back in the hospital, and she looks at her husband with concern, but she can't find the words to say anything.
"I spent the night at the Four Seasons. I mean, alone. Can you come over, and we can order room service? I promise I'll pay you for all the food you want, but I really need my friend right now."
"I'll be there soon, honey. I promise," Rachel replies, getting up a little too hastily.
"Rachel, what's going on?" Mike asks after taking a sip of his coffee.
"Donna didn't sleep at her place last night."
"The thing we feared happened..."
"Everything has blown up in their faces," Rachel exhales deeply. "I'll go see Donna; you go check on Harvey. I mean, if there's anything left of him after spending the night without Donna."
"Don't make fun of my friend."
"Look, your friend is being a bigger asshole than this whole city. And if you don't get him to react, I will, because I may have affection for Harvey, but you know damn well not only that I'll always take Donna's side, but also that Donna is right about what she's confronting him about. So, do your job, Mike," Rachel says with as much determination as if she were in court and leaves her husband speechless before giving him a brief farewell kiss and rushing to her best friend's aid.
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
When the door opens in front of Mike, the person who appears behind it is barely a shadow of the Harvey he had seen a few days ago.
"Oh my god, dude. You look even worse than when I saw you in the ICU." Mike tries to joke, but really his friend's condition is more than deplorable.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Harvey rasps, certainly not in the mood for socializing right now.
"Rachel talked to Donna, so it wasn't hard to guess that you'd be here looking like a wreck."
"But aren't you supposed to be covering my cases while I'm out of the office? Get out of here; I want to be alone."
"Yeah, sure, man," Mike replies, paying no attention to his friend's request and entering the place.
"Can I know what the hell you're doing, Mike?" Harvey would like to shout this, but he doesn't have the energy for that. In fact, he wishes he had enough energy to grab Mike by the lapels of his jacket and throw him out of his house. Instead, he can only lazily follow behind him but veers towards the drinks cart.
"I came here to get your head out of your own ass, because no matter how old you get, Harvey, you still can't do it for yourself!" Mike keeps talking, and Harvey can only roll his eyes again and again while he opens his bottle of Macallan. "What the hell are you trying to do?" Mike is alarmed for a moment. "Go back to the hospital? I don't think you'll be so lucky this time."
"Look, Mike. My wife just left me; if that doesn't give me the right to have a drink, I really don't know what will," he says with a mix of sadness and bitterness washing over him.
"Okay then, kill yourself instead of trying to save the most important relationship in your life." Mike sighs in defeat and steps away from him. If he wants to destroy himself, he can go ahead. But at least he should listen. "Look, Harvey. I'll tell you straight up, okay? If you collapse again here, I won't be the one giving Donna that shitty news again. You know why? Because she doesn't deserve it, you damn idiot!"
Harvey laughs bitterly. "As if I matter to Donna at all." He grumbles, pouring himself a drink.
This time Mike can't take it, and he lunges at his friend to take the glass out of his hand. "Are you really so stupid to believe that Donna doesn't care about you? The woman who has taken care of you with her own life for over 20 years? Have you really become this shit, Harvey?"
"Leave me alone, Mike!" Harvey retorts, wanting to snatch the glass from Mike's hand and down the liquid in one go.
Mike is quicker than him and rushes to the kitchen, where Harvey arrives just in time to see Mike pour the Scotch down the kitchen sink. Harvey lunges at his friend, but Mike stops him forcefully, grabbing him by the shoulders. "I don't know anyone, but anyone, as loyal as Donna is to you," he yells in his face. "15 years, 15 years of her life, she stayed by your side, even in the moments when you were the biggest idiot on this planet. 15 years when you couldn't put your shit together and tell her you loved her. She waited for you, took care of you, and loved you in silence for 15 damn years! And when you finally could, when both of you could, the first time Donna asks you for something, the only thing you can do is treat her like shit, disregarding everything that woman did for you? You're a selfish pig, Harvey!" Mike screams these truths in his face and lets him go, not too gently, allowing Harvey to crash into the countertop.
Well, yeah, it's the same thing she told me, he thinks, not wanting to reveal to Mike the last phone conversation he had with his wife.
"And if you really think that Donna doesn't care about you... I can't even imagine how you came to that conclusion!" Mike sighs heavily. "You have no idea what your heart attack meant to Donna! I know you had a tough time inside that hospital, but do you know who was holding Donna up at that time? Rachel and I! So, no, I don't need anyone to tell me how horrible it was, how guilty Donna felt, and how bad she still feels. You know who comforted her until she stopped crying? I did, you damn idiot. You know who talked to her all the time? Rachel. Do you know that since you were discharged, every night she sneaked out to the backyard to talk to Rachel before sleeping because she couldn't handle all the pressure by herself? Do you know that she wakes up every night in panic because she dreams that you are dying, and she doesn't breathe again until she sees that you are doing it too? No, of course, you don't know, because you're a damn selfish pig. Because you can't see beyond your own ass!" Mike pauses for a second, just to catch his breath. "She swallowed how awful she feels for weeks just to take care of you! Do you know how many people would do something like that? Believe me, very few. So, don't you dare even think that Donna doesn't care about you because if they had asked her for her heart to save you, she would have given hers without hesitation, Harvey! Stop living in your damn parallel reality and start giving Donna what she wants and needs. You're a damn married couple! You have to be able to give something up to make her happy. Or were you expecting her to be the same as when she was your secretary, when everything revolved around you? That woman deserves the best man in the world, and while I've always supported that you two should be together if you can't truly be the best man in the world for her, it's time for you to step aside, Harvey."
"You really think I don't know that Donna deserves the best man in the world? You think I don't know that I'll never be enough for her?" Harvey sobs, burying his face in his hands. While Mike hadn't said almost anything that Donna hadn't told him before, Mike's words hit him like bullets.
"Then try to be that man!"
"I can never be, Mike."
"Donna chose you. Are you aware of that? That one of the women with the noblest hearts in this damn world chose you? Yes, you're an idiot most of the time... and, as I said, a selfish pig. And yes, no one understands how she chose you. But she did. And Harvey, the way she loves you, damn it, you can't mess up what you have without fighting first. And I don't mean fighting against her, which is what you've been doing all this time. I mean fighting for her, fighting with her, doing what she needs. She's not asking you for anything crazy; she just wants to be happy. Isn't that what we all want? I know you struggle with change, but she deserves you to, for once, be the one who gives something up for her. She's already given you everything; it's your damn turn."
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
"Oh, sweetie," Rachel says with a mix of tenderness and concern when she sees Donna after opening the bedroom door.
"Thank you for coming here," Donna says, trying to maintain her composure but clearly failing.
"Of course, Donna," Rachel responds, and without waiting for Donna to ask, she pulls her friend in a loving hug, allowing her to shed a few tears on her shoulder.
"It's all a mess, Rachel," Donna sobs, clinging to the embrace Rachel offers.
Rachel rubs her back, seeking to provide some support. "You married an idiot, but you've always known that," she whispers, trying to elicit a little laughter from Donna, but she doesn't succeed.
"I know, but I love that idiot," Donna says, breaking down even more.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Rachel replies, pressing her lips together. "That was a poorly-timed joke."
Donna pulls away from her a bit, wiping her tears. "Well, at least you tried," she smiles weakly and pushes her hair out of her face, improvising a messy bun with a hair tie she has on her wrist. "I don't even know if I can try anymore," the redhead adds, sliding her feet onto the bed and sitting on the edge of the mattress. "Tell me the truth, was I too stupid to marry him?"
"Donna!" Rachel murmurs and sits down beside her. "How can you be stupid for marrying the love of your life?" Donna shrugs, not even sure what she's saying. She feels completely confused right now. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Donna drops her back onto the mattress, bringing her hands to her face, as if hiding for a brief moment would alleviate something. "The doctor told him he could go back to living a normal life. Obviously, he has to continue with rehabilitation, medication, check-ups,... But he can go back to doing everything, as long as he feels okay." Rachel nods, turning her torso toward Donna, propping herself up with her hand on the mattress. "And I thought, finally, it's time to talk." She pauses and sits back on the bed, this time with her legs crossed and facing her friend. "On the way home, it was clear that he had other intentions, and they had nothing to do with talking. I mean, I knew it was the first thing Harvey would do. Try to have sex as soon as he can. The problem is, I asked him to talk, but he only wanted sex, and I was so stupid that I gave in again. And then he told me he was happy that we were good again, and that's when I snapped, because he knows we're not okay. But of course, for him, some sex fixes everything. And like a fool, I gave it to him."
"You know why that happens, don't you?"
"I struggle too much to tell him no. And I'm always the one who gives in," Donna replies, completely frustrated, burying her face in her hands once again. "I feel like if I say no, the fairy tale falls apart. And look, I'm right to feel that way."
"Well, but Donna..." Rachel sighs and gently takes her friend's wrists, urging her to look at her again. "In my opinion, that's always been a problem between you two. Since I've known you both. You never tell him no. You always do what he needs. You are, do, and exist as he needs you to. He always expects you to give in to what he wants when he's not willing to do the same for you. And I understand that's how it worked when you guys were working together; I mean, you were there to make his life easier. In all the time you've known each other, you've spent more time being his secretary than his wife. But, honey, he has to understand that he's not your boss anymore, that he's now your husband."
"Most of the time, he acts like my husband," Donna wants to justify it, because damn it, they really had happy moments. "The problem started when I wanted to leave the firm."
"I know, Donna. And I know you want to fix this."
"I really do, but I'm not so sure he does."
"He was about to die; if that doesn't help him put things in perspective, I don't know what will. I mean, Mike is trying it now too, I promise. I don't know how much I can trust my husband, but I don't know; let's try to stack the odds in his favor a bit."
Donna giggles amidst tears. "I'm glad to know he's not alone. I'm honestly worried about him."
"I can't promise they won't kill each other, but he's not alone," Rachel reassures her. "But we're trying to focus on what you need right now. He can be some time away from you; maybe that helps him as well." Donna exhales deeply and nods. "Harvey has to understand and respect that your career aspirations are taking a different path now. You deserve his support in this."
"I swear, I've thought more than once about going back to the office. I miss how things used to be so much," she says, her voice choked with sobs.
"No, Donna. You have to stop giving in here; you've done it for too long."
"I'm willing to do it if it's the way to save my marriage," she responds, completely determined. "I mean, we were never a perfect couple, but I felt like we were; I felt like I was finally having my stupid fairy tale with the man I waited for longer than anyone should have to. And I left the office, and everything fell apart. Even he had a heart attack, which I still feel was my fault."
"Come here, sweetie," Rachel says, patting her lap, and Donna nods, in desperate need of some comfort. She lies down on the bed with her head in her friend's lap, who carefully wipes away her tears. "First, there are a thousand factors that led to Harvey having a heart attack. It wasn't your fault. Please stop thinking that." Donna nods, breaking down even further in tears. "Second, when you were at the office, everything was fine because he's been used to having you close all the time for 20 years, Donna. And he wants it to stay that way. But I think what he needs to understand is that you can still be a married couple without being in the same space all day. And not just physically in the same space; he's used to turning to you for any problem he has, whether it's work-related, personal, or anything else. You've always been his guide. And speaking of work..." Rachel chuckles a bit. "He's never spent so much time in my office! Mike even joked that if he weren't married to you, he should give him a talking to for spending so much time with his wife." Donna giggles. "He's lost without you there, Donna. And I suppose you also feel lost without him at your job. But these are processes you both have to go through. The issue here is that, as always, you can handle it better than he can." Rachel continues talking as she unravels the bun in Donna's hair to comfort her with her hands. "He has to understand that you can still be his wife and his guide, even without working together."
"If only he'd give me the chance to show him that I can."
"Give yourselves some time, a few days apart, so both of you can think. It might help. I understand you have things clearer than he does. He must be a mess right now, and he needs to calm down before talking to you. The next time you talk, it has to be a real conversation, not another fight."
• ∞ • ∞ • ∞ •
"I really thought we were finally us again; we were good, and all of sudden she just started screaming at me, and she fucking walked out on me. Since my heart attack, everything went back to normal again, and then she ran away out of the blue. I feel like she abandoned me, Mike. How the hell do you expect me to react to that?"
"You can't be such a good lawyer and yet so stupid, Harvey. Things weren't all fine between you two after your heart attack. You almost died; of course, she was going to set her problems aside and take care of you while you recovered. But that doesn't erase the crisis you're going through. And no one is abandoning you, Harvey!"
"She left the office first; now she's leaving the house. Isn't that abandonment?" he grumbles.
"Those are two different things, Harvey. She left here because you're acting like a child she can't talk to; that doesn't mean she'll be filing for divorce tomorrow." Harvey just snorts, still spiraling in his own mind. "I understand that we met our wives working, and we're used to working with them, but you know that's not the reality for all couples, right? She's still your wife and the love of your life, even if she doesn't work in the office with us anymore."
"I don't know what to do if she's not around; I feel like I'm not myself," Harvey confesses after several seconds of silence and inner struggle. It's something he's always known but has a hard time saying out loud.
"And that's why you're pushing her out of your life. You realize that doesn't make sense, don't you?"
"She's leaving on her own!"
"I swear, if you repeat that again, I'll give you a good punch in the face!" Mike responds frustrated.
"But—"
"Either you think your answer through or I'll call Donna myself and tell her to start divorce proceedings. And I will be her lawyer."
"Yeah, so funny," Harvey grumbles and leaves the kitchen because he needs some space. In fact, he still prefers Mike not to be here. Mike is making him uncomfortable—more uncomfortable than he already felt in his own home. But of course, Mike follows him. "Stop being a pain in the ass, Mike."
"I'm trying to help you, Harvey."
"Well, you're not making it." He grumbles.
Mike nods, and he gives in for a moment, retreating back to the kitchen. He struggles a bit to find where the wretched decaffeinated coffee that Harvey now has to consume is, and he gets distracted by that.
Meanwhile, Harvey tries to break free from being trapped in his own perspective.
It's at this moment that he realizes the one person, the only person capable of changing his perspective, was, is, and always will be Donna. He hates realizing this right now. His mind seems to be playing tricks on him as he starts to remember all the times over the years when Donna had talked sense into him. And it leads him back again to the same conclusion he had reached many years ago: he can't be himself without her. And the idea of living without her remains, as always, suffocating.
"Still being a dick?" Mike asks, moving toward him with two cups of coffee.
"Are you here to attack me? Because the door's right there."
"I'll take this disgusting decaf coffee for you; I think I deserve not to be kicked out of your own house," Mike responds, placing the cups on the coffee table and sitting down next to Harvey.
"What do you want me to say? That I'm a shitty husband? Because I've known that for a long time, Mike." He lets it out once and for all.
"Well, you said it."
"It's the truth." Harvey exhales and drops more on the sofa.
"So why the hell don't you do something to change it? I've known you guys for a long time; I know you've been through some shitty times, but I've never seen you like this since you've been together."
"Because every time I feel like I'm being abandoned, I'd rather abandon first. I guess it hurts less that way. I don't know."
"But you realize that Donna isn't abandoning you, right?"
"Mike... she didn't answer the phone when I was having a heart attack."
"No way, Harvey!" Mike jumps up from the sofa, or else he'll punch him in the face. "Do you have any idea how damn guilty Donna feels about that? Do you have any idea how guilty Donna feels about your heart attack?" he shouts.
"No, I don't know, because she doesn't talk to me about it," he says with anger.
"Because she was trying to take care of you, you idiot!"
"And what sense does that make? She didn't take care of me when I needed it before the heart attack, nor when her response depend on my life. That's all; it's the end."
"Harvey, all that woman has done her entire life is take care of you. If you can't see that, I really can't help you."
"I know that, Mike. I'm not that stupid."
"So? I'm sorry, but then, I don't get what you're doing right now."
"It's just that I'm still angry, furious with her."
"Because doesn't she work more at the firm?"
"No, Mike. Because that was the beginning. With that, she started abandoning me. At another time, she wouldn't have hung up the call. Because that was the worst. It's not that she didn't answer because she was busy; she rejected the call. She chose not to answer me. I could have died on the floor of our room."
"So what? Are you punishing her for that, Harvey?"
Harvey grunts in response because, deep down, he had realized it a long time ago, but admitting it out loud makes him feel like a complete idiot. He can take a lot of things, but not the feeling of abandonment. That destroys him. "Maybe..." he mumbles, almost inaudibly.
"I thought you couldn't be more of an idiot, but you never cease to amaze me, Harvey," Mike shouts, completely furious. "That woman has already tortured herself enough over that. She doesn't deserve for you to punish her too. Either you get your shit together and talk to her. Talking doesn't mean fighting. And you accept that you can have a life just as good even if it's not like before, or you walk away from her. But stop mistreating her like you've been. She doesn't deserve it. End of story." Mike yells and storms off, slamming the door behind him, making Harvey jump just like the day before when Donna did the same.