Chapter Thirteen
Linka sighed and rested her head against the window of the Geocruiser. It had been a long couple of days, longer than she'd planned in fact, and she'd had to ask Gaia to let her small family know that they'd been delayed and would be home later than expected.
'My family…' she mused, 'da, that is how I think of them, even though I should not… at least where Wheeler is concerned.'
Even as she thought it, she knew the words were hollow. After everything that had happened she couldn't ignore her feelings any longer, or his. 'But is that enough? I agreed to talk with him, but… all I can do is be honest, I owe him that. I wish I knew what to do for the best…'
Despite her nervousness about the impending conversation and the confusion of her thoughts, Linka had actually found her time away to be helpful. It was really the first time she'd had to take a step away from her responsibilities and think about the situation since the accident and, to her surprise, she had found herself able to relax and slip into the Planeteer role as if her life hadn't been turned upside down.
'Because of Jason.' She admitted to herself. 'If I had left her with anyone else, I would have been calling them every hour…'
The trip home seemed to take longer than it had to get there, it was dark when they set down and Linka was itching to see her child.
"The only light on was the main cabin," Gi commented as she turned the systems off, "I guess Wheeler already put Nat to bed."
Kwame agreed but Linka said, "It is more likely that he let her stay up, she can be stubborn when she wants to be." She stood up and opened the door, "I will come back for my luggage."
The landing area was dimly lit with solar lights, but it was enough to see the small figure running to greet her before she'd gone more than a few paces away from the craft. She caught Nat up in her arms laughing, and smiled over her shoulder at Wheeler, who had arrived immediately behind her.
"I tried to convince her to go to bed…" He told her apologetically.
Linka laughed, and gave her daughter a squeeze, "I missed you."
"Don't go away again," the soft whisper made Linka's eyes fly to Wheeler's, looking for confirmation.
He shrugged and gave a nod.
Tears gathered in Linka's eyes and she closed them, silently dealing with her relief.
Feeling like the moment should be private, Wheeler suggested that she take Nat to their cabin while he fetched her luggage and she nodded, her throat dry from the bottled-up emotions.
Sitting on her bed with Nat in her lap, Linka tried to ask her how she was feeling but the child went from tight lipped to asking about the conference so she let it drop for the time being. It was late and they were both tired and she was grateful just to see some of the old Natalya return.
There was a knock on the door, and she correctly assumed it was Wheeler. "Come in."
"I won't disturb you," He said putting her bags down just inside the door. "I'll just leave these here."
"Bedtime story?" Nat asked sleepily.
He grinned, "Watching an extra hour of cartoons was your bedtime story, young lady."
She yawned, "Stay?"
"You have Linka tonight," He said, adding by way of explanation. "Somehow I don't think she'd appreciate me sleeping on her bed while she's in it."
Linka wasn't at all sure that was true, but she wasn't about to admit it. "Thank you for taking care of her Yankee. I know I said we would talk when I got home but…"
"It's late," He said with understanding, "It can wait until tomorrow."
Nat held out a hand and he moved close enough to take it, leaning over and kissing her head, "Sweet dreams Angel." He hesitated and then did the same to Linka, "You too, Babe."
She briefly placed her hand on his arm, needing the contact more that she'd realised. "Goodnight Jason."
Wheeler turned his face up to the shower head and let the water cascade over him. He'd washed away the sweat and grime accumulated under the protective coverings they'd worn at the oil spill, he just wished he could wash away his worries as easily.
The morning already felt like a week ago, and the prospect of having that talk with Linka seemed less and less likely… had she already filed it under 'It never happened Yankee'? The Fire Planeteer wasn't a natural pessimist but experience had to count for something and with Linka, once the moment had past, that was usually that.
Finally turning off the shower and drying himself off, he pulled on pyjama shorts and flopped on the bed.
The day had started out with them falling back into their new morning routine… which had been great, especially with a chatty Natalya. She'd been happy to have Linka back and was talking away about what she did and didn't like for breakfast, and what she wanted to do that day as if nothing had ever happened.
The two adults had exchanged a look when she'd blanked the mention of Nina, but they were in silent agreement to continue letting her take things at her own pace and so hadn't mentioned either of her parents again.
They were at her playground when Gaia called Wheeler for the alert, saying Ma-Ti would co-ordinate with Linka when they arrived in order to call Captain Planet. There hadn't been any time to talk then, though he had stopped at Nat's protest, to hug her and promise her extra bedtime stories when he got back.
She wasn't happy and he had hated leaving her like that… it felt weird not having Linka along on missions too.
And then to come back to darkness, and not even be able to say goodnight…
'Am I being stupid?' he wondered. 'I have no real connection to them, is it all in my head? Maybe I'm just making more of it than has ever been there…'
A soft knock sounded on the door.
"Come in?" The sight of Linka slipping into his cabin, undid the knot in his chest and all his worries were forgotten instantly… or at least shoved to the back of his mind. "Hey Babe!"
Linka smiled, looking adorable in her night things he thought - though they were just a plain t-shirt and shorts – with her hair loose about her shoulders. "I heard you come back. When your light did not go off, I thought perhaps you would not mind my coming over? Nat seems to be sleeping peacefully but we should hear her if she calls out, I think."
Wheeler was grinning, but he nodded in agreement and patted the bed beside him invitingly.
Rather than sit against the pillow next to him, she climbed onto the end of the opposite side of the double bed so that she was facing him diagonally, and pulled her knees up to rest her arms on. "How did the mission go?"
He sighed as he thought of it, "As well as can be expected, we cleaned it all up but some damage is always done, you know how it goes."
She nodded and rested her chin on her arms, letting the silence stretch between them as they both tried to think of a way to broach the subject on both their minds. At last she said, "You wanted to set boundaries and expectations when it came to Nat? Do you want to talk about that now? I know you've had a long day…"
"It's fine…" He shrugged, "I'm kinda wound up from the mission, it was going to be a while before I tried to sleep anyway."
Linka waited patiently for him to continue and at last he said, "I don't know what to say, I've been trying to think of a perfect set of guidelines that you'd be comfortable with, but there aren't any. I want you to let me help, and you don't want me to."
"That is not…" she blurted out, and then caught herself and said in a more measured tone, "That is not entirely correct. It is not that I do not want your help, but that it would be too easy to rely on you for everything."
"I'm pretty sure we've had that conversation before and I still don't mind." He pointed out.
She sighed, "That is why I agreed when you said we should set boundaries. If I asked Gi to help and she did not want to, she would say so but… I do not think you would because you…we… I mean…"
Her thoughts became tangled and he came to her rescue, "Because I have feelings for you? But I don't think that's true." The startled look she gave him made him grin and he longed to pull her into his arms, "Not the part about my caring about you, that's absolutely true, I mean that I don't think it's true you believe Gi would say no."
Linka frowned, confused, "Why?"
"Because you don't ask anyone for help Babe, not beyond watching her for a couple of minutes when you're in the bathroom or something. You do everything yourself and… and Nat's noticed it too." He dropped his voice, trying to take the sting out of the words. "She wanted to know if she was a nuisance, I think a lot of that comes from knowing the rest of us aren't actually related to her but…"
"But some of it comes from me," Linka said stoutly, trying to keep her emotions in check, "Because I kept telling her not to bother you."
He leant forward and took her hand, and she continued. "But I do not know what else to tell her, she is a child and other than school, the adults around her have always treated her like the most important thing in their lives, because she was. That is not true here, I am the one that has made this her home, no one else had a say in it and it has already had an impact."
Wheeler was pretty sure that so far from not having a say, it had been his idea, but he just said, "what impact?"
"I know none of us are children anymore but having Nat here changes the dynamic of the group, you all feel you have to act more... grown up." She shrugged. "I cannot help feeling guilty and I do not want to make it worse by expecting you to take care of her, she is my responsibility."
"We had to grow up sooner or later, even me." Wheeler grinned.
Nodding, Linka replied with a faint blush, "Da, but when you have a baby it is more gradual and perhaps we would all be reaching that point in our lives together. For all of you, this has all happened at once and it is too soon."
"I get what you're saying," He replied thoughtfully, "but look, maybe the others feel that way a bit but they understand, and it would be the same if it was one of them that needed to bring someone here. Shit happens Babe, and we all help each other, that's part of being a team."
She was worrying her bottom lip, "I know but…."
"No buts. The alternative was you leaving, remember? Whatever adjustments they have to make, I know for sure we're all in agreement about this being the better option."
She squeezed his hand, "spasiba..."
"I'm still sensing a 'but'." He prompted.
"Not really… I just do not know how much is accepting circumstances, your feelings for me, your feelings for her or just the fact that you have grown up. I know I have told you before that you needed to, but I did not mean like this." She looked at him, her eyes questioning, "You have done nothing but put us first since that awful day, are you sure you are not wishing underneath it all that you could just be yourself? Or that it could just be the way it used to be between us, before you knew the truth?"
He shook his head, but was unusually silent. It was a moment before he spoke, and when he did his words were more measured than usual. "I wouldn't have any trouble acting immature if I resented Nat being here, and I don't feel like I can't have fun and be responsible at the same time. As for how much is one thing or the other, I don't think you can separate them… she's a lovable kid, if she'd been just your cousin, I'd still have done anything for her the minute she reached out to me back in the hospital, you'd have to be a monster to not respond to that. Would I have been all in on taking care of her if she'd been one of the other's relatives though? Probably not. I'd have helped out, the way they will, I'd have adored her but I'd have thought of her as a niece not…"
He stopped, feeling like finishing that sentence would be crossing a line. Instead he said, "If I'm acting different it's because of how I feel about her, and you, because I want to be part of your lives. What part is up to you, it always has been, I just wish you'd trust me."
"I do." Linka said earnestly. He looked away and she reached out her free hand to touch his arm. "Yankee?"
"It doesn't matter." He met her eyes, and though he'd tensed, he kept his voice gentle. "It's my problem, not yours."
She shook her head, "If something is bothering you, we need to discuss it, that is the point of this, nyet? Why would you think I do not trust you?"
He huffed, and it was obvious that he was trying not to sound annoyed, "You trust me to look after her but you didn't trust me enough to tell me about her in the first place. So okay, technically it was none of my business, but after everything we've gone through together... I don't know, I thought I knew everything about you and suddenly it was like I never knew you at all. Have you any idea how that felt?"
Linka chewed on her bottom lip again, taking a few moments to get her feelings under control, as she took in what he'd said. "It was not a matter of trust Jason… I could not tell anyone, it was no longer my secret. Natalya and Nina…"
"I'm not suggesting you held a press conference, Linka! How could telling me affect them? I wouldn't have told anyone." He unconsciously broke contact with her to run his hands through his hair. "I get that you had no reason to tell me when we met, but later…"
She hung her head and said quietly, "Later… I could not bear for you to think of me that way."
"What way?" Wheeler asked, confused.
"You always looked at me as if I was something special… I liked that." She played self-consciously with the pattern on the bed clothes, adding quickly. "It was not vanity, I did not want that sort of attention from anyone else. After what I did… when I came here, I did not want attention from anyone. By the time I really got to know you…" She looked up into his eyes, and her voice took on a note of pleading, "Do you know how many jokes you made about me being innocent? I did not set out to deceive you, but I had, and I was so afraid that you would turn away in disgust when you knew the truth."
He frowned, "How is that not about trust? I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to be perfect or something, but I'm no hypocrite, you should have known I wouldn't turn my back on you."
Her expression became guarded, "You would never turn your back on a friend, that does not mean you would not look at me differently. Why should you think any better of me than I do myself? It is one thing for a guy to be experienced, but the kind of girl who would get pregnant at fourteen is not the sort men consider for… for something more serious."
"Geez Linka, will you listen to yourself?" The American exclaimed wide eyed, "If I said something like that you and Gi would wipe the floor with me, and for good reason. And don't tell me that you would say that about someone else if she came to you for help because I don't believe it."
"That is different." She refused to meet his eyes.
Wheeler snorted, "Because you're better than everyone else? I hate to break it to you Princess but you're human, just like the rest of us. You made a mistake, get over it."
Linka's eyes widened, the pain she felt from the first part of his speech giving way to indignation, "What did you say?"
"Get over it." He replied fearlessly, "I mean it Linka, stop beating yourself up for not living up to those oh so high and mighty standards of yours. Doing something stupid does not make you a bad person, hell, if it did you wouldn't give me the time of day! And you know what else? That 'mistake' of yours happened to turn into something pretty incredible, or do you regret Nat too?"
"Nyet! I… I did not mean that, you know I did not, I would never…" He watched as she struggled with the concept, too overcome to be angry. "The two things are not connected."
That broke through the tension as it made Wheeler laugh, "I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure they are, Babe."
Linka covered her face with her hands, "I love my daughter, I would not change anything, but it does not excuse what I did… I should have waited and because I did not, I have hurt everyone I care about including her… and you."
Wheeler scooted forward and pulled her into his arms. She resisted a moment and then returned the embrace, burying her face in his shoulder, "You didn't hurt me by getting pregnant, Linka, you hurt me by shutting me out. Don't you get it? There's nothing you could do that would matter to me if you loved me back."
The Russian grew very still and he began to worry that he'd offended her but then she said, "Do you not get it, Jason? If I did not love you, I would not be so terrified of losing you, but I am broken. It is not just my opinion of myself, I cannot… I do not believe I can ever… it has all built up in me to the point where a normal… physical relationship just does not seem possible. I thought if you never knew I could keep you as friend, and avoid disappointing you."
Not speaking while he let her words sink in, he focused on the important part, "You love me? Like, really love me? You wouldn't say that if you meant, you know, friends stuff, right?"
Linka had the sudden urge to laugh but she knew if she did, she would cry, "Did you hear the rest of what I said?"
"Yeah, you have issues about not being a virgin and a few more about repeating the experience." He shrugged, "Well, I'm not a virgin either, so if you wanna try and work through some of those issues we can, but if you don't, I'd still choose being with you. It doesn't have to stop us being together, you just have to trust me."
"How many times do I have to tell you that I do trust you?" She told him but he detected the beginnings of a smile in her voice.
"But you don't love me, as much as I love you?" he prompted, hoping she would accept his teasing.
Linka's mouth twitched at the corners, "Is it a competition?"
He kissed her temple, "You better hope not, you wouldn't stand a chance of beating me."
"Want to bet?" She challenged him, looking up, her sudden smile dazzling him. "We could have Ma-Ti judge."
Wheeler's grin answered her own, "What do I get when I win?"
"Me." She replied recklessly, lifting her lips to his, finally bringing them together.
To be continued…