You never know how much someone means to you until they are no longer there
BROKEN HEART
Mission Ops
It had been 3 months…3 months since he left. No one, not even Hetty knew where he went. They were given the usual red tape rhetoric but everyone knew it was a lie. Hetty was on the phones for hours threatening, calling favors, trying to find some clue to where he went but it was all to no avail. Nell felt that they were giving up to easily. Nell hated coming into work now. She usually came in bright and early with a smile on her face, entering the Ops Center and seeing her partner and best friend Eric or beating him there and waiting for him to arrive. They would talk and joke and prepare for the day, either to work on small projects or get the team for a major case. But now she always arrived to an empty room.
"This sucks" She sighed on morning. She hadn't slept that night, her wardrobe was a disaster, her hair was everywhere and she hadn't eaten in two days. She plopped down in her chair and started to review the latest reports when Hetty walked in.
"Good Morning, Ms. Jones." She said.
"Good is a matter of perspective Hetty." Nell said, not even looking up from her work.
Hetty brushed the comment aside and stepped over to her work station.
"Who dressed you this morning? A third grader?" She asked. She had always admired Nell's fashion sense. She had even helped it grow over the years.
"How I dress has no bearing on my work, Hetty." Nell said again, far from her usual cheerful self.
"Be that as it may I know you are capable of more than this fashion faux pa. When we are finished briefing the team I am taking you straight to wardrobe." Hetty said as she handed over a file.
"Until then, summon the troops. We have work to do." She said. Nell took the folder and glanced over it as she grabbed the phone. She punched a few buttons. "Case on Deck" was all she said before she hung up, not even waiting for a response.
Slowly but surely the team started to file in. Callen and Sam gave a quick smile to Nell that went unreturned. Kensi gave her a genuine smile that caused Nell to look over but again not return it. Deeks, being Deeks, came in boisterously "And what does the Nellmeister have for us today?"
Nell got up and walked over to another computer, grabbing her tablet and beginning the briefing. Her responses were short, curt, and completely devoid of any personality. The team shot glances between them as she droned on. Hetty gave them a few orders and the team left.
"Ms. Jones. When your duties permit I would like your company for some tea at my desk." Hetty said.
"Sure." Nell said, returning to her typing.
Hetty's desk
Hetty poured a generous amount of tea into two cups and handed one to Nell.
"A special blend, ideal for relaxation." She said.
Nell took it and took a sip. It wasn't bad but she doubted it would help.
"Nell, my dear. I am not here talking to you as your boss. I am talking to you as your friend. Okay?" She said as she leaned forward and folded her hands.
"Got it." Nell said, trying to look at everything other than Hetty.
"Your performance lately has been less than stellar. You come in late, normally you are dressed very cleanly and made up well and now you look like you ran through a thrift store. You personality has changed. To be blunt, my dear, I am worried about you.
That is the understatement of the year Nell thought
"Now I know the last few months have been rough for you" Hetty said.
Scratch that. THAT was the understatement of the year
"If you want to get away from work, take a vacation, go visit your family, do something to cheer yourself up then you are more than welcome. I will gladly give you as much time as you need." Hetty said.
"That won't be necessary, Hetty." She said.
"Well, think on it then. The offer stands." Hetty said as she leaned back and rested her chin in her hand.
"But make no mistake, Nell. My priority is to this team above all. If it comes to a point where I believe you are becoming a detriment I will do whatever I need to do." She said.
"Like you are doing everything you can to find Eric?" Nell said.
Hetty normally did not show emotions very well. She kept herself very contained but for a brief instant she let a little out through her eyes. This outburst completely caught her off guard. And the worst part was Nell noticed it. Hetty looked away as Nell stood up, tears starting to well in her eyes. She ran off in the direction of the locker rooms.
Kensi, who was in the bullpen with Deeks going over some intel noticed the exchange and she stood up and walked over to Hetty.
"Do you want me to talk to her?" Kensi asked.
Hetty took a breath and composed herself. "No, Ms. Blye. I think the best thing for us to do is to just leave her alone. She will come to us when she is ready."
Kensi gave a nod. She understood, she didn't like it, but she understood.
Later that evening
The team was packing up for the night they were just about to leave when they saw Nell come down the stairs. Deeks decided to make his move then.
"Hey, Nell. We are going to go get something to eat. Care to join us?"
Sam and Callen, who were thankfully facing away from Nell, looked at him questioningly. He just returned their glances with one of his own, telling them Just go along.
"No thanks. I'm just going to go home" She said, turning and walking away.
Deeks sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"You did what you could" Sam said, trying to console the detective.
"Yea. I guess I did." Deeks said.
Kensi's apartment
Deeks sat on the couch, watching TV with Kensi curled up against him. He softly stroked her side with his right hand while his left arm was propped up on the couch and his fingers dug into his temple. His phone was sitting on the arm rest and periodically he would check it, punch in a few words and return in
"Hey, you ok?" Kensi said.
"I'm good." Deeks replied.
"You havn't touched your beer at all." She said, nodding to his almost full beer bottle. She sat up and pulled him to face her.
"What's wrong? I know something is bugging you." She said.
"It's Nell." He said.
"We are all worried about her. She will make it through this." Kensi said.
"Please don't take this the wrong way, Kensi, but you are wrong. She isn't going to make it through this." Deeks said.
"What makes you think that?"
"Because I see what she is going through and I understand. The only difference is I knew where you were and I had a way to keep in touch with you. Poor girl doesn't have that." Deeks said.
Kensi felt her chest tighten at the mention of the events in Afghanistan.
"Do you think you can help? Nate can't help her and neither can Hetty." Kensi asked.
"I have to. I am the only one who knows what she is going through. If I can't help her…" His voice trailed off. Both of them knew they didn't want to think of the possibilities.
"You should go check on her." Kensi said.
"Are you sure?" Deeks said, caught off guard.
"Deeks, you said so yourself. If anyone can help her through this it is you." She said, stroking his cheek
He nodded and stood up. "I'll call if I need anything" He said
He grabbed his things and left. Kensi reached over and grabbed his beer and took a drink. "Bring her back, Deeks." She whispered.
Nell's apartment
Deeks pulled into the parking lot of the complex and got out. He climbed the stairs to the 3rd floor and found the unit he was looking for. He knocked a few times. No Answer. He knocked again. He was about to knock a third time when he heard the lock move and the door open.
"What do you want, Deeks?" She asked. Her eyes were red and puffy. She was wearing some pajamas and a tank top but it was now completely apparent how bad of a shape she was in. She was a lot skinnier then she had been in the past. Deeks was quick to get over the shock of seeing her this bad.
"I wanted to see how you were doing. Thought you could use a friend."
"I'm fine, Deeks." She said, looking like she was going to shut the door on him.
"Nell, you and I both know you are lying." He said, deciding not to beat around the bush.
"Ok. You are right. I'm not fine. But I don't want to talk about it." She said.
"I'll make you a deal. Let me in. I will do the talking." He said.
She hesistated for a few moments before closing the door, removing the chain, and opening the door. She walked back to the couch and sat down, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Make it quick" She said.
Deeks closed and locked the door. He walked over and saw the TV was covered in pictures of Eric. Deeks sat down on the coffee table in front of her.
"Look, Nell. I know I'm not good about talking about these things but I'm going to do my best. I'm just going to dispense with the 'I'm worried about you, the team is worried about you' garbage." He said as he crouched over and rested his elbows on his knees.
He hung his head for a second. "When Kensi left for Afghanistan that was the worst time of my entire life. It was worse than all the lonely nights I spent undercover, worse than all the abuse I suffered at my fathers hands. I woke up every morning and just ran on auto pilot every day, just to come home and do exactly what you are doing right now."
"You are just trying to make me feel better. You seemed to manage ok." She said, looking away.
"That is because I'm better at hiding my feelings then you are. And I eventually found a way to communicate with her. Both of those are things you don't have" Deeks said.
Nell curled up into a ball, trying to fight back the tears.
"You love him." It was not a question, but a statement.
"And he loves you." Again a statement.
Nell started to sob gently
"But you never have told him." He sighed.
Nell shot up.
"Yes! Is that what you want to hear? Do you want to hear all the things I want to tell him? How about the fact that Eric Beale is the only person I have ever met in my life that actually understands me. He is the only person I have never had to lie to because he knows everything about me. Or how about the fact that for the past two months I have been waking up to an empty cold bed, taking a shower by myself, driving to work and going through the day completely alone, and coming back to solitude and every second of every day wishing he was here! I lie in bed at night touching myself thinking it is him, I listen to old voice mails of him just to hear his voice, and I stare at pictures of his smile for hours on end so they are burned into my memory, trying to take away the pain of not having him here with me! And above all else, I want to tell him that I love him with ever fiber of who I am and want to be with him for the rest of my life! So yes, there is a lifetime of things I want to tell him, but I can't because I DON'T KNOW IF I WILL EVER SEE HIM AGAIN!" She paced back and forth, her voice getting louder and louder before collapsing on the couch and crying into her hands.
Deeks shot onto the couch like a bullet, grabbing her and pulling her to him in a giant hug. "Shhh, Nell. It will be ok. You will make it through this. You are strong." He whispered to her, rocking her back and forth like an older brother comforting his little sister. He held her for almost an hour when he felt her go limp. He looked down and realized she had finally exhausted herself and had fallen asleep. Carefully he scooped her into his arms and carried her into the room, gently placing her on the bed and tucking her in. He leaned down and kisses her forehead gently.
"I promise you, Nell. I will do everything I can to get him back, just so you can tell him the truth." He whispered as he closed the door. As he left the apartment he pulled out his phone and sent a text.
I know tomorrow is Saturday but I need to see you.
He waited for a response. As he got into his car his phone digned.
Boatshed at 0900
Boatshed the next morning.
Deeks paced around the boatshed. He had been there for almost an hour but he couldn't get his mind off of last night. The door opening broke his train of thought as Hetty stepped in.
"I hope you have a good reason for this, Mr. Deeks." She said.
He sighed. "It's Nell."
"We all know she is going through rough times without her partner here. I fail to see the reason behind this." Hetty said.
"Because you and I both know it goes deeper than that. She loves him." He said.
"I don't really find that surprising. They do spend a lot of time together." Hetty said.
"Not too long ago you had the same thing happen. Partners who fell in love were separated for a long period of time. But the outcome of that story turned out for the best. This time I am not so sure." Deeks said.
He sat down on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. "That could have been me, Hetty. What Nell is going through is the exact same thing I went through. The only difference is I could control it. She is starting to lose that control." Deeks said.
"Be that as it may, Mr. Deeks, I have made it clear on numerous occasions that I am unable to find him, or anything on what he is working on. I've gone through every official channel I can." Hetty said as she sat down next to him.
Deeks looked down. "Then maybe it's time we go through unofficial channels." He said.
"You are treading on dangerous ground, Detective." Hetty said.
"We don't need to know what he is working on specifically or even where he is. The only critical piece we need to know is that he is alive and ok. If Nell can know that she can push through this." Deeks stood up.
"Look. I asked you here because I trust you. And now I am asking you to trust me. All you need to do is look the other way. If something happens I will take all the heat for it. But last night I made a promise to Nell that I would do whatever I could to find him. And I fully intend to do that." Deeks said.
Hetty pursed her lips for a moment and thought. "Alright, Mr. Deeks. You do what you need to do. But if you fail.."
"I know the consequences, Hetty." He said, interrupting her. "I would be here if I didn't." He said in a lower voice.
Hetty nodded. "Good Hunting, Mr. Deeks" She said as she left. Deeks sat for a few minutes, running his hand through his hair as he thought. After few moments he pulled out his phone and dialed.
"Hey Sam. Callen is with you, right? Cool. You guys want to meet for lunch? Take a break from house repair? Cool. Let's meet at the boatshed. I'll call Kensi. Ok. See you in an hour."
He hung up and called Kensi. "Hey, it's me. Need you to come down to the boatshed for Lunch. Sam and Callen are on their way. Ok, See you soon." Deek hung up and left to go get the food.
An hour later
Deeks and Kensi were getting everything ready when Sam and Callen pulled up. Both of them were sweating from all the work they had been doing at Sam's house.
"What's the deal, Deeks? Lunch on a Saturday for the hell of it? Or did you miss us that badly?" Sam joked.
"Why not both?" Deeks grinned as he passed beers to the two of them.
"Ok, You've had your jokes. Now tell us why we are really here." Callen said with his smug grin as he took a drink.
"Never can get one over you, can I Callen?" Deeks laughed as he took a bite of his pizza.
"Nope." Callen said.
"It's about Nell. I went and saw her last night. Guys she is falling apart and we have to do something." Deeks said.
"Hetty has tried everything to locate where Eric is or what he is doing." Sam reminded him.
"I know that. But it's time we start doing our own digging, under the table." He said.
They all went silent for a few moments.
"You do realize what you are asking, right?" Callen said.
"What I am asking is to call in any favors you have with anybody to try and find out at least if he is still alive and if so where he is. That is all she needs is just to know that he is ok. We don't need to know why." Deeks said.
Sam sat deep in thought for a second. Kensi knew she was already in. Callen was the only one who was not convinced.
"You realize the amount of trouble we could get in if this goes south? The trouble Hetty could get in?" Callen said.
"Hetty is going to look the other way. As far as she is concerned we did this without her knowledge." Deeks said.
"Oh, that makes things so much better." Callen said.
Deeks was starting to get frustrated. "Look, Callen. I know you don't think the world of me. And right now I don't care. But this isn't about me. This is about Nell. The wonderful, cheery girl we all work with and who every day makes our lives just a little bit more tolerable. She has always been there for us and it's time for us to return the favor in spades by finding the one man who she cares for above everything. You may not be used to having people close to you but that is your prerogative. I am doing this with or without you. But if you chose to walk you are going to have to look in Nell's eyes and explain why you chose not to help her" Deeks said, slamming his beer down and walking toward the door. He walked down the path to the water and crouched there for a few moments, trying to let the ocean calm him down.
After a few minutes Sam walked down and joined him.
"Gonna chew me out for that little break down?" Deeks asked.
Sam shook his head. "Nope. For the first time in over 6 years I don't have my partner's back on this one. I have yours." He said.
"Never thought I would see the day." Deeks said.
"You realize this isn't going to be easy." Sam said.
"I know. But I went through everything she is going through and I am scared what is going to happen to her if this goes on too long." Deeks said.
Sam placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it. "Fortunately she has someone like you to go the distance for her." He said.
Kensi's voice rang out, calling for Sam and Deeks. They turned around and saw her waving back up to the boatshed. Deeks stood up and walked back up the path with Sam following him.
They entered the boathouse to see Callen looking out the window. He turned around and walked right to Deeks. He sighed before speaking.
"You were right." He said.
Deeks smiled. "Did I just hear you? Did you just actually admit I was right? Can I hear that again, one more time?"
"Deeks." Callen said, his face serious.
"Sorry." Deeks said.
"We do need to help Nell out. And to do that we are going to have to go off the reservation for this. But if we get caught, this is all on you. Understand?" He said.
"I'm getting some Déjà vu right now because I swore I said the same thing to Hetty. I wouldn't be here if I didn't understand the risks." Deeks said.
"Good. Now that is over. Let's get to work" Callen said as he held his hand out to Deeks who shook it.
4 days later
Deeks knocked on the door of Nell's apartment. After two knocks she opened the door, still looking as ragged as she did last week.
"What?" She asked, letting him in this time.
"Sit down, Nell. I have something to tell you."He said.
"Just tell me, Deeks." She said.
"We found him." Deeks said.
Nell's eyes widened. "Is he…?" She asked.
"He is alive, he is fine, and he is safe." Deeks cut her off. He placed a folder on the coffee table and opened, revealing a pile of pictures of Eric.
"Last month he was in Berlin, 2 weeks ago it was Paris, Intel has him 24 hours ago in Moscow." Deeks said as he sat down next to Nell.
She started going through the pictures. His hair was longer and died black and he started to have the growing of a beard.
"Only thing I could find out was he is part of a Black Op team hunting down a massive cyber terrorist group that operates out of Europe. Interpol is heading it up but this includes people from all over the world. That is why he couldn't contact you." Deeks explained.
"How did you find him?" Nell asked, trying to fight back tears, and failing.
"Callen has some old CIA contacts that are friendly with Mossad. They were able to locate him after an extensive search." Deeks explained.
Nell grabbed Deeks and hugged him as tight as she could. "Thank you thank you thank you!" She said.
"Hey, hey. Now this info didn't come cheap." Deeks said.
"What?" Nell looked at him questioningly.
"You owe us. And some point soon you will have to pay" Deeks said.
"How?" She asked.
"I'm not talking about money. To pay us back you have to do one thing. When you finally see him you tell him. Everything you have been holding in, everything that you have been going through. You tell him everything." He said.
She hugged him again. "Deal." She said. She kissed his cheek and without removing her lips whispered "Thank you."
1 month later
Hetty set her tea down and called out to Nell.
"Ms. Jones. A moment?" She said.
Nell stepped up to her desk.
"Yes, Hetty?"
"I want you to go to wardrobe at pick out a new outfit." Hetty said.
Nell looked down at her clothes. "What is wrong with what I am wearing right now? You haven't said anything at all." Nell looked up confused.
"Oh no, my dear. I don't have a problem with your outfit. But it pays to always look your best. And I do see a little room for improvement. You never know what could happen." Hetty said with a smile, looking over Nell's shoulder toward the hallway. She nodded slightly in the direction.
Nell turned around just in time to see the door close and also she saw him. He was ragged, looked exhausted, and completely not like the man she knew. But deep down she knew it was him. He was carrying two duffle bags.
When her brain finally reconnected she was able to speak. "Eric?"
At the exact moment she said that he finally saw her. "Nell?"
"ERIC!" She screamed as she took off running toward him.
"NELL!" He yelled in return as he dropped the duffels just in time to catch her as she lept into his arms.
Tears were streaming down both of their faces as she pushed her lips to his and kissed him with 4 months of passion, loneliness, and pent up emotions.
The rest of the team came over to them, smiling at the reunion. When Eric finally set her down and they broke the kiss Deeks commented.
"Did anyone else remember to hit the record button? I think I want to watch that in slow motion. That was a pretty epic leap on Nell's part." He said as Kensi punched him in the shoulder, eliciting a laugh from everyone.
Eric and Nell looked batch at each other, their faces inches apart.
"You look like hell" Eric smiled.
Nell looked him up and down, then back in his eyes with a look that said Really? Have you looked at a mirror?
Deeks coughed. "Nell." He said. When she looked over he was rubbing his fingers together like he was asking for money.
"Right." She said as she turned back to Eric.
"Eric. There are so many things I need to tell you right now. But that can wait until later. But there is something that cannot wait. It is something that should have been said months ago. Eric, I know love me. You have never actually said the words to me but I know you do through your actions. And I am telling you here and now that I love you, Eric." She said
Eric smiled. "I love you too, Nell." He said as he pulled her into another kiss.
"Mr. Beale." Hetty said. They broke the kiss and both turned to face her, holding on to each other's hand.
"I have been completely patient with your choice of wardrobe but here and now I draw a line. I will not have you come in looking like some hobo and expect to work. And you, Ms Jones. Not only has your work become lax but you also seem to be letting yourself slip in the wardrobe department. And I have had enough. Both of you are suspended with pay for the next week. You have 5 minutes to gather your things and leave the premises immediately. I do not want to see you at all for a whole week. And I expect you to be in bright and early Monday morning ready to work. Do I make myself clear?" She said.
Both of their faces started to show worry but then erupted into grins when she gave her "punishment". Even Hetty couldn't keep a straight face for long, cracking a smile as they turned around and left down the hallway.
1 week later
The following week the team met early in the bullpen. Getting ready to start the day Sam noticed Eric and Nell coming down the stairs. Eric had cut is hair back to length, still darker due to the dye job, and he was clean shaven. Nell didn't look as thin as she was, her spring was back in her step and her smile was back on her face.
"Hey guys." Eric said .
"Now there is the surfer we know and love." Sam said as they all stood up to welcome him home.
"So Deeks. You said I had to tell him everything." Nell said.
Deeks nodded. "That I did."
"Well then I guess we can technically call this your fault." She said as she raised her hand, still holding on to Eric's. On her finger was a ring.
Everyone's smiles got bigger as they offered congratulations now to the two of them.
"Tonight will be a night of celebration. Until then we have work to do." Hetty said walking up. The team returned to their work as Hetty walked up to Eric and Nell.
"Mr. Beale. Welcome home." Hetty said.
"Thanks Hetty. I don't ever want to leave again." He said.
"That makes two of you." Hetty said, giving Nell a knowing smile. Nell could only blush in response.
The scene when Nell snaps and goes on about what she wanted to say was partially inspired by "The Date" By SilverSentinal21. I highly recomend reading that one if you ever get a chance. This is also officially the longest one shot to date at almost 5k words
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Thanks for the continued Reads, Reviews, Favorites, and Follows.
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25k views!
Post update.
If you caught it I did change up Nell's rant a little bit. Truth be told the end never quite sat right with me so I fixed it.