The train ride back to District 3 after the 71st Hunger Games had been a blur of flashing lights and the cold, suffocating weight of victory. I should've been proud, I should've felt the rush of being a victor, but all I felt was a hollow emptiness that expanded with every mile I was pulled away from the Games and closer to my own broken life.
The Capitol had crowned me, dressed me up like a doll, and shoved me in front of the cameras. But I wasn't Emerald. I wasn't even Sunny Magenta—not the version of me that they thought they knew. I wasn't sure who I was anymore.
But when the train finally rolled into District 3, when the cheering crowds were forced to greet their victor, all I could think of was the one thing I couldn't escape.
The death of Lucy Gray Baird. My mother.
The memory of her death haunted me, stalking me like a shadow I couldn't outrun. I hadn't seen her in so long, not since the Capitol had silenced her. Lucy Gray was just another victim of the Capitol's cruelty. She had survived the Games, but after her victory, President Snow had made sure she didn't survive the years that followed.
I wanted to forget her death. I wanted to pretend it wasn't real. But the truth was, every inch of me, every part of my soul, knew that she had been taken from me.
I stepped off the train, my feet heavy on the platform as I was ushered toward the Victor's Village. The houses were cold and sterile, all too familiar, too much like the cage I had lived in before. But something else lingered in the air. I could almost feel her. Lucy Gray Baird, my mother, my mentor. Her spirit had never left me, not even after she was gone. And now, here she was, waiting for me in the house I was supposed to call home.
The door opened, and I stepped into the Victor's Village house, but it wasn't empty. I wasn't alone.
The room felt colder, darker, despite the soft light coming through the windows. I froze, every muscle in my body locking up.
A figure stepped out of the shadows, and I knew before I even saw her face. I didn't need to. The warmth that rushed through me, the pull in my chest, was unmistakable.
Lucy Gray Baird stood there, her dark eyes full of emotion, her lips slightly parted as if she was trying to say something. But there was no sound. No words.
I could feel my heart hammering in my chest, the sting of tears welling up in my eyes. She wasn't supposed to be here. I had buried her death so deep, but now, here she was, her presence undeniable.
"Mom?" I whispered, the word falling from my lips like it didn't belong.
She didn't speak. She didn't need to.
I walked towards her, my steps slow, like I was walking through a dream I could never wake up from. When I reached her, I collapsed into her arms, my face buried in her chest, her scent filling my senses like it had when I was younger. But this time, it wasn't real. She wasn't real.
The tears came, hot and fast. I couldn't hold them back anymore. I hadn't let myself grieve for so long, not since I had been thrust into the arena. Not since she had been taken from me.
"I didn't mean to," I cried, my voice breaking. "I didn't mean to hurt him. I didn't mean to kill them. Xander. I—" My words were tangled in sobs. "I couldn't save him, Mom. I couldn't save any of them."
Lucy Gray didn't speak. She didn't need to. She just held me, her hands gentle on my back, like she had done when I was a baby. I could almost feel the warmth of her embrace, even though it was only the ghost of it.
I closed my eyes, and for a fleeting moment, it felt like she was really here. Her soft touch. Her voice. I could almost hear her saying the words I desperately needed to hear, the words I had never allowed myself to believe.
"You're not a monster, Sunny," she would have said. "The Games make you do things. They make you kill."
But the guilt didn't let me rest. The guilt gnawed at my insides, poisoning everything. How could I reconcile what I had done? I had survived. But in doing so, I had become part of the very system I had always hated.
"Why did they take you from me?" I whispered. "Why did they kill you? You should've been here. You should've been with me. I don't know how to do this alone. I don't know how to live with this."
Her arms tightened around me as if she was trying to shield me from the world. From everything I had lost.
"I've been watching you, Sunny," her voice came through, soft but clear. "I've always been close, never far. You're not alone. Even if it feels like it."
I choked on a sob, pulling away from her. My chest was tight with grief, with rage. The Capitol had stolen my mother. They had taken everything from me. I didn't know how to survive this. I didn't know how to live with this pain.
"I don't know how to survive this, Mom," I whispered, my heart breaking all over again. "I don't know how to go on."
But Lucy Gray only looked at me with her sad, knowing eyes, as if she understood.
"I wish I could tell you, Sunny. But you'll have to find your own way. The Capitol may have taken everything from you, but they can't take your will to fight. Don't let them win."
I woke up in the Victor's Village, in my empty, sterile house, the remnants of my mother's ghost still lingering in my mind. I wasn't sure if it had been real, if I had really felt her touch, or if it had just been my mind breaking under the weight of what I had done.
But I knew one thing for sure.
I wasn't done yet. Not by a long shot.
I was going back.
Back to the Hunger Games.
And this time, it wouldn't be as Emerald. I would be someone else. Someone new. Someone who couldn't be controlled.
The Capitol wouldn't win.