The OG Ducks decide they'll have a reunion of their own after the newly minted District Dive Ducks win their grudge match since the "Spirit of the Ducks" gala was a bust; somehow, what goes from them all meeting at Twin City Slice for pizza with the new Ducks turns into a roast session of their former Ducks coach.
The Roast of Gordon Bombay
"Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!"
The atmosphere wasn't anything less than jovial. The Don't Bothers – now the newly minted Mighty Ducks of District Five – had won their grudge match against Coach "T" and his cake-eating Ducks. It prompted Gordon to call up the original flock, who decided that since he was back in their lives, there was a much-needed, overdue reunion that had to take place since the title of the Ducks went to kids who truly deserved to wear those jerseys.
Seeing the kids again – at least the ones who could make it – filled Gordon with warmth that he hadn't felt in a long time. It had taken some time after the Spirit of the Ducks gala, but even Charlie had come around, and upon seeing him enter Twin City Slice, Gordon felt a lump in his throat; the last he'd seen Charlie, he'd walked the young man down the aisle on his wedding day, right before losing his coaching career. He didn't think Charlie would forgive him for cutting off communication, but the hug he received from his son proved him otherwise.
He looked around the crowded dining room, nursing a Diet Coke while Charlie sipped at a glass of red wine he'd brought into the pizzeria. Alex and Evan weren't far away, conversing with Connie, Guy, Peter, Karp, and Jesse. Adam and Julie sat across from him and Charlie, hands intertwined – Gordon was happy to see those two had worked out and that they'd gotten married, and he was also thrilled to hear that they were expecting a baby girl soon. Ted Orion had also been invited and had managed to make the trip. Even Ms. McKay had shown.
Charlie, who at this point was on his second glass of Cab, rose from where he sat and tapped his fork against his glass. "Okay, everyone! Quiet! Please. I just have a few words I wanna say. And I'm no good with speeches, so please, pardon me."
Everyone silenced, turning their attention toward Charlie, who grinned cheekily.
"First and foremost, I just want to say congratulations to the Ducks." The new team of kids cheered loudly, raising their glasses of soda. "You kids really did it. You brought back some pride to this city. And I know that's largely in part because of this guy right here." He gestured to Gordon, who could feel the color rushing to his face, his whole head feeling hot; he'd never been comfortable with being put on the spot by anyone. "Coach, you've done it again. You came back after being in hiding trying to make it as an independent Hollywood star," Charlie continued. "And I know you deny it, but the first time you showed me The Outsiders, I was like, 'Gordon!' And then I found a bunch of other films you randomly appeared in. And I learned a lot from watching them. When I saw The Outsiders, I learned I wasn't the only poor white person who was discriminated against. When I watched The Breakfast Club, I learned that a jock can date a total basket case and it to be okay. When I watched St. Elmo's Fire, I got a glimpse into what my life would be like after college. When I watched Men at Work, I learned that garbagemen must have serious PTSD, and maybe that's why they get paid so much to clean up our crap – so they can pay for all that therapy they'll eventually need. When I watched Bobby, I started caring about the Kennedys. When I watched The Way, I realized I didn't wanna walk the pilgrimage of the Camino because all I'd see everywhere I go is your face half-smirking and waving at me. If I wanna see that again, I'd just visit you."
At this, everyone laughed, and Gordon could feel his face growing hotter. He really regretted showing Charlie and his teammates all those movies when they were kids because every time he'd enter the locker room for their practices, they'd say, "Hi, Estevez." And he never imagined his kids would ever use that against him.
"But in all seriousness, I love you, and look, all your former kids are here. Even Dwayne, Russ, the Cat, Karp, Peter, and Jesse are here," Charlie said. "Terry wanted to be here tonight, but his Empire fell." Gordon could see Jesse going red in the face – that was clearly a dig at Terry going through some legal troubles. "Jesse, I told you that kid was trouble; you should've had a better grip on him, but you were too busy playing baseball in the sandlot with Luis and company. Even worse than Peter, and Peter, I see you still haven't gotten taller. But Dave, man, when I saw you, I thought, 'Wait, who invited Rob Gronkowski?'" Karp, who'd shredded off all the weight he'd had when he'd been younger, his jaw fell open. "No, really, Dave, I love you. You look great, you and Goldberg both; I heard you guys lost all that weight after going to that fat camp together; you didn't take the easy way out like these other people do taking Ozempic. But you didn't grow any smarter. I mean, you misinterpreted Coach telling Jack Reilly we were 'a bunch of losers who didn't deserve to live,' and you got the entire team to follow you. I think that lack of comprehension may come from taking all those pucks to the head."
At this, everybody laughed even harder, and even Karp cracked a smile; nobody could deny Karp had taken many head injuries, even more so than Guy and Averman.
"But in all seriousness," Charlie continued, "none of this would've been possible if the original District Five team hadn't won that state championship twenty-nine years ago. And it only could've been made possible by not just Gordon here. Banksy, you may have taken a beating to the head, but you scored our first goal, and you never quit even after that Iceland guy broke his stick over your wrist; you never gave up. No wonder everyone was so jealous of you when you made Varsity when we were freshmen – you are not only the most talented, but your hair is still beautiful; it made us all wonder whether you are gay, but then you started dating the Cat and getting some pus – oh, sorry, there are children here, I can't say, even though most of them have already watched Deadpool and got exposed to plenty of obscenities before they reached their fifteenth birthdays. But I'm one to talk; Gordon thought it would be a good idea to show us Breakfast Club after we won the gold. I wonder where Mendoza got the idea to crawl under the cheerleaders' table during lunch in our freshman year to get a glimpse of their skirts to piss off Rick Riley. Yeah, Gordon, that was really responsible, but then again, whose idea was it to name you after a brand of gin? Did your dad drink gin while your mom was pregnant with you, and that was how he came up with the thought to give you the name Gordon? You already have the last name 'Bombay.' It was like your parents predicted you'd become an alcoholic."
At this, Gordon had to laugh, especially as he realized what this was turning into and how Charlie was saying everything he was saying was unmistakable love. Knowing Charlie could still tease him light-heartedly and make jokes at his expense filled him with warmth.
"So, Gordon," Charlie continued, grinning. "After nine years, it's nice to see that you still look the same. You haven't aged even though you'd done nothing but drink in solidarity over the last nine years, all because you gave a kid money for tape; you did a good deed, and it bit you in the ass. God, haven't you learned the lesson that no good deed goes unpunished?" He shook his head. "And yet you continue to do good deeds even though you claim you hate kids. If you hate kids so much, why do you coach them?" Charlie gestured to the newly minted Ducks, who laughed at this comment. "Is it because you know how it feels to be a fucking loser? Or do you live vicariously through them because you miss hockey so much? I mean, if you didn't think about us like you claim not to have, why did you select our doppelgangers to play on your Don't Bothers team? Koobler looks like Goldberg if Goldberg never lost any weight. Lauren, you look like Averman and Tammy Duncan got together and made a love child, and you dress like Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink before she goes to the prom and makes out with Andrew McCarthy. Nick, you remind me of Karp. Logan, you look like you could be Banksy's kid; where did you get such beautiful hair from? Are you sure you guys aren't related? Why don't you guys just name this kid 'the Beautifier' since he gains more attention from girls than Portman did after he stripped in the penalty box? And Alex, you remind me of my mother; the only commonality you don't have is dating your son's hockey coach, and I strongly recommend not to. It won't end well." At this, Gordon nearly choked on his soda as Charlie sipped his wine. "The only thing that's missing is another Ted Orion. Ted, I wondered where you were all this time. I could've sworn I saw you in episodes of 24." Ted's jaw fell open as he busted out laughing. "And me, well, people tell me I look like Pacey. Do you know how many times a day my kids call me 'Pacey?' Imagine hearing that from your eight-year-old daughter every single night." Charlie pulled a face as he sipped more wine, downing the rest of his glass.
"Anyway," Charlie said, "Gordon, I'm really glad that you're back to coaching again and that you're talking to the Ducks again and that you decided to crawl out of your hole and rejoin society. Because you're an amazing example to future generations, as we've seen with your Don't Bothers. You really made a team of winners, Coach. Be proud of that, Dad."
Hearing Charlie call him "Dad" caused heat to build up behind his eyes; he hadn't cried in years, but hearing Charlie declare the word "Dad" caused a lump to form in his throat for the second time that night as he got up and embraced his son, and he could hear several voices going "Aww," as they watched; he knew Alex's voice to be among them – she always teased him about being a huge softie, and as much as she annoyed him, he'd grown to think of her as a little sister, an annoying one he could never get rid of no matter how hard he tried. Still, he could feel the love in the room as Charlie hugged him tightly. By the time they pulled apart, Evan, the new Ducks captain, rose from his own seat and raised a glass of lemonade.
"I've got something I want to say, too," he announced casually as Charlie and Gordon sat back down. "Coach Bombay, this isn't just a win for the new Ducks. You've done it again. You took a group of white trash rejects and turned them into a group of winners, and you gave us a new pond to live in. But this wouldn't have been possible if it weren't for the original Ducks." Evan turned to Orion, who grinned at him. "Ted Orion, it's so nice to see you here. As everyone here knows, I'm from Minneapolis. And as the years went by, more people learned about your early retirement and how you went off to coach a bunch of cake-eaters at Eden Hall Academy. Eden Hall must really hate you, because racism is alive and well again over there since they changed the team name back to the Warriors. Talk about taking twenty-five steps backward after all you'd done for that school. And Coach Bombay has bested you in every way. You went into the NHL; he played for the Waves for a year before the Moose replaced them. You may have coached the Ducks in high school, but he coached Team USA. You taught them defense. He taught them how to skate. And yet, here you sit. I don't understand it." Evan paused, sipping his drink before turning back to Charlie and Gordon. "Charlie, I'm honored you decided to come here tonight for us and that you called this meeting. And I agree with your kids; you do look like Pacey. Did you know Maya has your Dawson's Creek posters all over her bedroom wall and that there are lipstick stains there?" Maya turned bright red, looking down at her slice of pizza in embarrassment. "In all seriousness, I am a District Five Ducks fan. I'm a Minneapolitan. And loving you and the original Ducks and Gordon Bombay is something I'm very proud of. I appreciate what you guys did for the city."
"Thank you," Charlie replied, smiling at Evan gently; Gordon could see that Charlie couldn't help but be flattered.
"You truly are the GOAT of Minnesota youth hockey," Evan said. "And will you and the other Ducks please, please, please sign my jersey?"
"Yes, I would," Charlie said.
"On that note, 'Quack,'" Evan said, grinning, and they spent the rest of the night quacking away.
"Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack . . .!"
Part of this inspiration came from The Roast of Charlie Sheen and the Roast of Tom Brady. I couldn't resist it.