"That was a big step." Huang said in an understanding tone. "Just like that there was no more pretense. Every emotion was out in the open."

Olivia nodded.

She was hugging herself.

"I remember every detail of those two days." She whispered. "I tried to forget, but..."

"But your body remembers." The psychiatrist helped her voice her thought.

"Yeah."

"It works both ways." He explained. "Negative and positive experiences, our bodies remember it all."

She didn't respond. She wished more than anything she could forget. She wanted her body to forget the feelings, the intensity of it all.

The good.

And the bad.

Oh she wanted to forget the bad.

Chapter 6: What have I done?

My soul has been torn and reborn

started breathing.

What have I done?

What have I done?

"What Have I Done" – Dermot Kenney. [Without Fear]

Around 2 am I gave up on sleep.

It was all too much.

Lewis, the trial, Elliot showing up.

He said he loved me.

The joy that cursed through me had my mind spinning, because it was accompanied by a guilt so harsh I felt like puking.

I went inside my bathroom and started sobbing the way I hadn't in ages. I never let myself cry.

I am going to loose him

There was no way to undo this. We had given in to something that hadn't been ours to give in to. I had wrecked a marriage tonight.

Elliot had kids. Kids that depended on him, who needed a father and a mother.

I am going to loose him.

I should have stopped this.

He'd been at the door, ready to leave, we'd been so close to stopping it from happening. He had asked me specifically if it was ok and I had said yes.

If I had just found the strength to say no then he would have stopped, he would have pulled back immediately.

And we would have found a way back to being partners, to just working together.

But this?

I had moaned his name and delighted when he had moaned mine.

I was in my bathroom with nothing covering me but his shirt.

I was carrying his scent with me - mingled with my own.

There was no way back from this.

I am going to loose him.

Once he found out the truth I would lose him for sure. He thought he loved me, but he didn't know everything.

We should have met publicly.

Talked calmly.

Rationalized.

I am going to loose him.

"Liv?" Through the door I could hear the worry in his voice.

It made me feel sick. I didn't deserve his worry.

I pressed my hand against my mouth.

My lips were raw and swollen from his kisses.

"I'm...fine." I croaked and forced myself to take deep breaths. "Go back to bed."

"Yeah right." He sighed, obviously not believing me. "I'm coming in, ok?"

I couldn't have stopped him even if I'd wanted to.

"Hey." He crouched down in front of me. He'd put on his jeans, but his chest was bare. "What's wrong?"

"I don't..." I couldn't stop sobbing. "I can't...I can't..." I couldn't breathe.

"You're having a panic attack." He was so calm when he said this. "Put your head between your knees."

I did as he instructed.

"Try and take a deep breath." He put his hand on my head gently. "Everything is ok, Liv. Just breathe, you can do it." I gasped for air and felt the world stopped spinning so quickly. "That's it. Good job." I breathed again and while it was fast at first I got the hang of breathing calmly faster than I had expected to. We stayed in this position for a moment, his hand on my head reassuringly, my head between my knees.

Elliot waited patiently for it to pass. He waited until I was ready to talk. When I lifted my head again he pulled his hand away and pushed himself back so he could look at me.

I rubbed my eyes feeling self conscious, But Elliot's gaze wasn't judgemental. He cocked his head to the side, studying me.

"What just happened?"

"I don't know. I just..." Tears threatened to spill from my eyes again. "I'm gonna lose you. I know I am and I just...freaked out."

"You're not going to lose me." He said in a promising tone. "I'm in this for the long haul, Olivia, I'm here."

Tears spilled from my eyes again and I wiped them away hastily.

"That's just it. You have no idea what I've done."

Confusion flickered in his blue eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I...um..." I was shaking. "I slept with Ash Ramsay."

He blinked surprised. "Ok..."

"And Liam Black."

"Ok." He repeated. "When?"

"Whenever we first met them." I sobbed. "I don't know. A few months ago...?"

Elliot Stabler was sitting on my bathroom floor looking at me with a soft expression in his eyes as he studied me, the mess of his partner sitting shivering in his shirt on the closed toilette.

He was calm. He didn't even seem fazed.

"Doesn't it bother you?" I whispered.

"Olivia, just how much of a jealous prick do you think I am?"

I laughed between my tears. "I don't know, I wasn't really thinking much."

He stood up from the floor and held out his hand for me to take. "Come on, let's go back to bed."

Safely enveloped in darkness, with the lights off and his arms around me I felt like I truly could breathe again.

His lips grazed my ear and then he whispered: "We both have our pasts. I would never judge you for that."

I closed my eyes, tiredness overwhelming me now that I was finally relaxed.

"Sorry for freaking out." I muttered.

"Don't ever apologize for your feelings." He kissed my forehead.

"I love you, El." I sighed.

"I love you too, so much." He leaned his cheek against my head. "You'll never lose me, Liv. I could never live without you. Believe me, you won't get rid of me that easily, I promise,"

I fell asleep with a goofy smile on my lips, glad for the protection of darkness.

When I awoke the next morning the bed was empty.

He was gone.

Oh boy. How is everyone doing? Thanks for your comments, they make my day! Tell me what you think :) Oh fun fact. I saw a Youtube Video with this song (What have I done) and E/O pairing and it inspired me to write this fanfic in the first place.