The silence in the living room was awkward. She kept on folding and unfolding her hands. It was Dr. Huang who finally broke the silence.

"It's not ok what she did. What Kathy Stabler did to you was horrible, Olivia."

The former detective shook her head.

"I'm the bad guy here. I'm the one who slept with her husband."

The FBI agent shook her head, but didn't argue with her.

He knew there was no point.

She wouldn't believe him.

Chapter 9: Ghost you

I just have to ghost you

pretend that you're dead now

And if I I see you out with friends

I'll just tell my self that it's a phantom or illusion

Guess I haven't chosen which

(Hate You, Seann Bowe)

Going back to the precinct felt strange.

The last time I had been here everything between me and Elliot had been normal and fine. The way it was supposed to be.

And now everything was all messed up.

"Hey Liv!" John grinned when he saw me. "All good?"

"Yeah." I plasted a smile on my face. It wasn't like I could tell him the truth.

"Is Elliot here?" I ran my hand through my hair in a movement I hoped made me seem causual and not at all the emotional mess I really was.

"He's at a crime scene with Fin."

"Fin?" I repeated and that's when Cragen came out of his office.

"Liv." He said in the tone that meant I was in deep trouble.

"Shit." I muttered and John gave me an encouraging smile.

"Good luck."

I didn't respond as I walked by mine and Elliot's desks towards the captain. He didn't say anything, just stood in the open door with a scowl on his face.

He slammed the door behind me so hard that I jumped.

"Captain?"

"Sit down!" He snapped and I did so wordlessly.

For a moment he only stood beside his desk with that angry look on his face and stared down at me. I looked back still quiet. I knew better than to talk before he did.

"Elliot came in here this morning demanding a new partner." My heart sank at his words. "He was very upset, he said if he has to work with you or talk to you he will put his papers in and transfer out!"

I was speechless. The wind had been knocked out of me.

"I..."

"I don't care what happened, I don't want to know. The only thing I care about is my two best detectives and the work they'll get done. Can you work with John?"

"Eh..."

"Yes or no, Olivia?!"

"Yes!" I snapped. "Of course, but–"

"No!" He interrupted me. "No buts. Get out there and get up to speed on the case."

"I need to talk to Elliot, if he would just–"

Captain Cragen actually brought his fist down on the desk between us and I jumped. There was an apologetic look in his eyes, but his voice was cold:

"We cannot afford to lose Elliot. Do not talk to him, do not even look at him, do you hear me? This unit needs him, so don't screw this up, do you hear me detective?"

I kept my eyes locked with his.

"Yes." I finally said, pushing the chair back and rising to me feet. "Loud and clear."

The first time I saw him again was when he and Fin came back, describing the details of the murder.

"Maggie Ortiz. Abby Mannion. Two prostitutes were murdered in the last two weeks." Fin explained.

Elliot wasn't looking at me.

I could feel the glances of the other men. They would look at me and then at him. They were all wondering what had happened.

"I'm not sure Abby was a prostitute." Elliot said.

I couldn't tell if it was my imagination, but his voice sounded cold.

"Have you spoken to her parents yet?" Cragen asked.

"No, but we have an address." He looked at our captain with raised eyebrows and he sighed.

"John, go with Elliot."

No one commented on the fact that he was acting like I was invisible. They just accepted it. I couldn't talk to him in front of the others. It was too private. I'd have to wait for a chance to get him alone.

I watched him leave with a heavy heart. I missed him so much, even though he had just been here. I had to fix this.

"Liv, Fin I want you to take a closer look at these prayer cards." Cragen said bringing my attention back to the cases at hand. "There's a message here."

"On it captain,"

Cragen went back to his office and I sat down at my desk with a heavy sigh.

Fin was studying the prayer cads a bit too closely.

"Did he say anything?" The question was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I knew I sounded like a 13 year old, but I couldn't stop it.

"He didn't have to." Fin's voice sounded cool. "You don't get between a husband and his wife, Liv. What were you thinking?"

I was stunned speechless.

Fin hadn't been expecting an answer and turned back to the case at hand.

Kathy and I had a deal. She would sort this out. She knew exactly how difficult this was for me. How much I needed him and how much we belonged in each other's lives. Loosing Elliot was not an option.

It just couldn't happen.

"He made me do things with his mouth!" The poor wife of our prime suspect told Munch.

"Oral sex." He said gently.

My heart sank for her. She seemed nice and her husband was a bag of garbage, whether he had killed the girls or not.

"Olivia!"

I turned around surprised to hear someone say my name in such a warm tone.

Devon Collins was strolling towards me.

"Hi." I said. I remembered him from my night out with Alex.

For a lawyer he was pretty handsome and he carried himself with confidence.

"Ah I see your colleague is harrassing my client's wife."

"He's doing no such thing!"

"Relax, I'm kidding." He reached out to touch my arm as if we were friends. "Are you ok, detective?"

The fact that he was the only one who had asked me this today almost had me bawling.

"Yeah, it's just been a tough couple of weeks that's all."

"I get it." Devon said and touched my arm again. This time it felt reassuring and I smiled. "I heard about William Lewis. I'm so sorry that he managed to get away, it#s terrible."

"Yeah." I sighed relieved that this was the thing he had heard of.

"Alright, I need to go to my client now, I'll see you around, ok?"

"Yeah."

"Stay strong detective." He gave me a reassuring smile and it was minimal but I felt like there was a weight being lifted off my shoulders.

"Are you friends with that lawyer?" Cragen asked as he stood beside me and watched the poor woman sob into her hands while Munch sat beside her slightly awkwardly.

"Is that a crime?" I asked and the captain smiled slightly.

"Guys!" It was Fin who burst into the hallway. "Another girl was attacked, she said the perp asked her if she wants to meet her father."

All of my exhaustion vanished in that instant. "I'm on it. Let's go, Fin."

Cragen hesitated in letting us go I could see that much, but he didn't stop us. He had to chose between Elliot and me now and it bothered him, but that was something he had to live with.

"Call us as soon as you know anything!"

Or he had to force Elliot to work with me.

"That must have been difficult." Dr. Huang said in a gentle tone.

"He just acted like I didn't exist." Olivia was staring into her empty mug. The agent had offered her more tea but she had declined.

"That was very juvenile of him, Olivia."

The former detective shook her head, biting her lip, trying to stop her tears from flowing. He had already noticed this behave. Whenever he criticized Elliot Stabler she would argue against him.

"He should have talked to you, try to understand your side."

"What side?!" She sobbed now. "I cheated on him!"

"You didn't." He said calmly. "You were manipulated into doing something you never wanted to do in the first place. And you didn't even go through with it."

She didn't respond.

"How long did this go on for?" He asked. "He must have spoken to you at some point."

"Four weeks." She whispered. "He acted like I didn't exist for four weeks." She looked up at him. "And at some point I started to feel like I actually was dead."

Kathy Stabler was in the precinct again.

She came by almost everyday. Sitting on his desk, legs dangling, a sweet smile on her face for everyone. She kissed him deeply when she arrived and when she left. Sometimes she brought their baby.

The others didn't mind it when she came. Sometimes she brought food.

The first time she had shown up I had ran straight to the bathroom and puked. Then I'd stayed inside the stall, having my second ever panic attack.

Of course she'd been there when I finally came out.

Studying her face in the mirror although we both knew she wouldn't find a single flaw.

"We had a deal." I'd said and she had laughed in my face.

"Olivia, are you serious?" She rolled her eyes. "You slept with my husband and you thought I would be the one to repair your friendship?"

I'd stayed in the bathroom for a long time, studying my own face. The face Elliot had kissed, the face he had said was beautiful.

"Liv." Cragen stood beside my desk. "I need you to go to Mercy Hospital. There's a young girl who says she was raped."

He followed my gaze to where Kathy was sitting on Elliot's desk. His gaze was focused on her full of love and admiration. The same way he had been looking at me those two days we had shared in my apartment.

"Can I go alone?"

Going to crime scenes and hospitals by myself was my newest refuge. Cragen had figured that out and usually let me go.

"Yes." He sighed and reached out as if he wanted to pat my shoulder but then thought better of it.

Outside of the precinct I felt like I could breathe again. The pain of losing Elliot was ever present, a stabbing pain in my chest. I had learned to live with it.

I barely slept, I barely ate. I merely existed.

Sometimes I thought about talking to someone. A grief counselor, but what should I have said? I was in love with a married man and he didn't speak to me anymore?

I had lost my best friend and was pretty sure part of me was missing?

Getting out of bed was getting harder with each day that passed?

No, I just had to go on, somehow things would get better, Somehow I would get him to talk to me.

Sometimes I thought about telling him about the deal, about how Kathy had betrayed her word.

But the truth was I'd never be able to tell him about that. This mess we were in was my fault and there was nothing I could do to make it better.

"Olivia." Dr. Huang said gently. "Did you try to talk to him? In these four weeks? How did he manage to give you the cold shoulder for such a long time?"

The woman in front of him gave him a broken smile.

"It's crazy right? We're Elliot and Olivia, we were inseparable..."

"Yes." He agreed. "But I mean logistically, how did he manage to do it?"

"He had Cragen on his side." She whispered. "He made sure we didn't see each other and if we were in the same room together he avoided me." A tear escaped her eye. "And once Kathy started showing up I just couldn't..." She took a shuddering breath. "It was so hard to just get through each day and I couldn't deal with seeing the two of them together."

"So you began avoiding him too?"

"Yeah." She realized. "It was just too painful. But at some point I finally gave him, I couldn't live like this any more. I needed to talk to him."

Lainie was so far from a perfect victim I was sure I was going to loose my mind.

"I'm telling you! He raped me in the hallway anyway, can you please call Jason he's my boyfriend, he'll want to know about this! Oh and when can I get out of here? I want to see my boyfriend!"

I was so tired. Being compassionate was draining these days. I kept on waiting for things to get better, but I didn't know what that meant.

I had lost Elliot.

There was no way to go back to what we had been before and he was happy with his wife, while I was all alone.

"Hello?!" Lainie snapped. "I'd like to go now."

"The nurse will be right in to do a rape kit." I explained. "After that I'll take you home."

"Please call Jason. My phone's right here!"

Happy to escape her loud and demanding nature I took the phone and called the number she had saved under Jason Baby.

Jason Baby was not amused to have the police calling him and when he told me he and Lainie had only spent one night together and he was not her boyfriend I felt like crying.

This hit too close to home.

Was he married too?

"What did you say to him?!" Lainie snapped at me.

"I told him you were attacked and–"

"Well he broke up with me because of you! Urgh! This is the worst day of my life!"

Same, I thought as I parked the car outside her house.

Fin's car was already parked here, so he was already processing the crime scene. But when I stepped into the hallway where Lainie had been attacked was surprised to be standing face to face with Elliot.

"Where's Fin?"

"Who are you?" Lainie actually smiled brightly at him, eying the man I loved more than anything else up and down and I wanted to smack her.

"Detective Elliot Stabler. I understand you were raped?"

She nodded, taking his hand and leading him to the staircase while I followed them, not bothering to hide my scowl.

"There's traces of blood." Elliot muttered, pulling out his phone to call CSU.

"I cut my hand while he raped me." Lainie explained to him, showing him her bandage. "And my boyfriend broke up with me because of your partner."

For the first time in four weeks his eyes met mine. The look inside of them was so hard and cold I almost backed away.

"She's not my partner." He explained.

"Lainie, go inside your apartment." I commanded in a tone that didn't allow for any protest. "I need to talk to my colleague."

Elliot rolled his eyes and after Lainie left he wanted to come down the stairs, no doubt to literally flee the scene of the crime.

I stood my ground, blocking his way with my own body. We hadn't been this close since that day I had last kissed him in my apartment.

"We've been here before."

"Go."

"I'll be back before you know it."

"Go."

His eyes were hardened, but I could see my Elliot in those blue eyes. The ones that had always made me feel safe, the ones that had been my home for 11 years.

"Elliot I can't do this anymore." I said it straight out, knowing I wouldn't get another chance like this again.

He actually laughed. It was a horrible bitter sound that came out of his throat.

"Oh I'm sorry." He sneered. "Is the fact that you cheated and broke all your promises difficult for you?"

I reached out to touch his hand. "El, please let me ex–"

"There is no explanation." He ripped his hand away. "Go to hell, Olivia."

He pushed himself past me and I couldn't breathe, too stunned to stop him from leaving.

At the foot of the stairs he turned around to me.

"Cragen thinks we can work this out, but we can't. I can't and I won't." He stared me in the eye as he proclaimed: "Don't talk to me, don't even look at me. You're dead to me, do you hear? Stay the hell away."

I drowned my third tequila without blinking an eye.

The bartender looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I tapped the empty shot glass with my finger.

He filled it up again.

"Are you ok?" He asked and I knew it was because I was a cop. Cops weren't supposed to get wasted like this.

"Yeah, peachy." I emptied it in one go. "Hit me again."

With a sigh he obliged.

"Detective Benson?" Whoever said my name sounded surprised which had me gripping the small glass harder, ready to squeeze it until it shattered.

Freakin' Detective Benson was having a hard day. She deserved to not be fucking perfect onec in a while as well.

"That's a great idea." The lawyer Devon Collins slipped onto the bar stool beside me. "I'l have the same."

I looked at the handsome man in his well pressed suit and laughed. Sober, depressed me was starting to dissolve and being replaced by drunk me. All I wanted was to feel numb. I wanted to stop feeling everything.

But this guy?

He had his life figured out.

There was nothing someone like him had to numb.

"Are you sure you can keep up?" I grinned.

"I can hold my own." He chuckled, clinking his shot against mine and drowing it in one go.

"Are you alright?" He said and looked at me with wide blue eyes that were full of concern and that made me want to lean in and kiss him.

I leaned back too quickly almost falling off the bar stool and he gripped my arm, steadying me.

"Whoa, hey."

I laughed.

"I'm fine." I declared. "Just fucking fine, how are you Devon?"

"You know my name." He realized. "I'm impressed."

"I am very impressive." I hiccuped and then we both laughed.

The handsome lawyer with the blonde wavy hair, shiny teeth and blazing blue eyes was looking at me intently. After four weeks of being treated like I didn't exist being seen made my heart race.

"You're not ok, Olivia." He said gently. "You haven't been ok ever since the Lewis case."

He was so spot on that I was starting to feel sober again.

"You haven't been sleeping." He said. "I can tell because I know what insomnia is like. I assume eating hasn't been a priority of yours either?"

"I only sleep on the sofa." I confessed. "I watch TV all night, sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I don't."

He nodded. "Been there."

"There's this vampire show." I explained. "And the vampires they can...they can switch of their humanity." I snapped my fingers. "Just like that. They loose all of their emotions and become machines. Killing machines, but that's not the point."

"You want to loose your humanity?" He asked and sounded surprised.

"I wish I could stop feeling altogether." I admitted and held out my empty glass to the bartender.

"I bet it would make your job easier." Devon said.

It would have made everything so much easier. If I could just stop hurting over Elliot, if I could stop thinking about him for one second, if I could stop feeling so strongly for him.

I loved him so much I was sure this love would kill me.

I drowned my tequila and then leaned forward to kiss Devon. He was the only one who talked to me. The only one who really cared how I was. Fin, Munch and Cragen were all on Elliot's side in this drama,

"Olivia." He pushed me away and held me by my shoulders. "Let me drive you home."

I chuckled. "Sure thing Devon let's do this."

"No." He pressed my shoulders gently. "I don't mean for sex, you're drunk and vulnerable. Let me take you home, please."

"I'm fine!" I snapped. "I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself."

"Ok." He took his hands off me. "It's your call. Whatever you need, I'm here."

Elliot, I thought. All I need is Elliot.

I reached into my wallet, but Devon held up his hand.

"It's on me." He promised.

"Why are you so nice?" I muttered. "You're a lawyer."

He laughed loudly. "I like you, I think we should be friends."

I rolled my eyes but felt a warmth spread through me. A different kind of warmth than the one alcohol provided me with.

"I'll see you around."

The walk home was tough. The cold night air was sobering. And I didn't want to be sober. I wanted this to stop.

Go to hell, Olivia.

How could he do this to me? How could he leave me hanging like this?

Don't talk to me, don't even look at me. You're dead to me, do you hear? Stay the hell away.

What if I actually did die? What would he do? Would he regret his words then?

I stopped dead in my tracks as a sobering idea hit me.

The best idea.

The idea I should have had weeks ago.

This was Elliot Stabler. Protector of women.

I was so desperate, so lonely.

And so fed up with how things were.

So I went straight home.

And I texted him.

Dr. Hung was worried.

The look in Olivia's eyes was distant, numb. It was clear as day that she was suffering from PTSD and after everything she had described he wasn't surprised.

"I ruined everything." She wasn't crying, but her tone was defeated. She had given up. "It's all my fault."

"What did you text him, Olivia?"

She wasn't looking at him. She was looking straight ahead, at something he couldn't see.

"I lied. I was just so lonely without him, I missed him so much. He had been my best friend and I loved him."

"Of course." He said and then repeated his question: "What did you text him?"

"We'd been partners for eleven years. He was the single most important person in my life and he had just stopped talking to me, acting like I was invisible. He made me do this."

"Olivia." He repeated, trying to catch her eye, get her to focus. "What did you tell him?"

She looked up at him with the same distant and cold look in her eyes.

"I texted him the one thing I knew would send him running." She paused and then declared: "I lied and told him I had been raped."

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