Dr. Huang wasn't judging her. He couldn't bring himself too. After everything she had described he understood what she had done and why she had done it.

How else was she supposed to get his attention?

"Olivia." He said gently and waited until she looked up at him. "You were in an impossible situation." He paused. "A situation he put you in."

The former detective was hugging herself as if she was holding herself together. Dr. Huang had seen this a lot with his patients.

"I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have lied."

"We all make mistakes." He tried saying this gentle and with emphasis at the same time. He wanted her to understand how easy her conclusion had been. How simple it had been to get to this point.

"He was the most..." He arranged his thoughts mid-sentence and then began again: "The single most important in your life."

Olivia closed her eyes as if she was in pain and the FBI agent let his words sink in.

"And he didn't speak to you for four weeks. I'm surprised it took you this long to tell this lie honestly." He swallowed. "Liv, you should be proud of yourself for holding on for so long."

She opened her eyes again. "I loved him so much. And I missed him it was like part of me was gone."

"I know." He moved closer as if he wanted to take his hand in hers, but then thought better of it. "You say you missed him and you loved him, in the past tense. How do you feel now?"

Her cold empty gaze met his.

"Numb." She answered without hesitation. "I just feel nothing." She paused and then proclaimed: "I feel like I'm dead inside."

Chapter 10: I Can't Pretend

How long will I say yes over my conscience?

Truth is I'm wasted before I take it all in.

How long will I blame it all on past life tragedy?

There's no remedy.

No more wide eyes.

I can't pretend.

No I can't pretend.

"Wide Eyed" - Billy Lockett [Wide Eyed Single]

Firing of the three words I was raped made me sober up instantly.

"Shit." I muttered. "Shit, shit, shit."

What had I done? Oh no, what had I done?!

His answering message came back within seconds. And just seeing his name light up on my screen calmed me down. It was the first time he had responded within four weeks.

I'm on my way.

I sank back onto my sofa.

He was on his way.

Elliot was on his way to see me, to talk to me, to take care of me...

I couldn't regret this decision.

But oh shit what had I done?!

How far was I supposed to take this? Could I hit myself? Tear my own clothing? Fake an actual rape?

Olivia, I thought to myself. What are you doing?

Insanity, I thought and suddenly I was laughing in my empty, quiet apartment. This is what insanity feels like.

I was so shocked, so undecided that I just froze right there in the living room on the couch. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going into my next panic attack.

If I could only go back to that night, the night William Lewis was aquitted. The night Elliot showed up.

If only I could undo all of this.

I missed him so much.

But this lie?

Nothing was worse than this lie.

The only other stupid thing I could have done was tell him I was pregnant with his child.

Just as much a fictions tale as my alleged rape.

Shit what did I do?!

The doorbell rang, causing me to jump and finally breaking me out of my frozen state.

"Hello?"

"Liv, it's me."

I buzzed him up. Heart racing, mind spinning.

Lie, I told myself, just mash up all the details you know from other rapes. He won't force you to go to the hospital. Just lie. He will hold you, he will tell you everything is ok.

I almost sobbed.

I needed him to tell me that everything was ok.

I needed everything to be ok.

As soon as I saw him standing in the open door I was thrown back to four weeks ago. The same way he burst through the door, ready to talk, full of emotion.

And I broke.

"Elliot." I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

He looked me up and down. And his blue eyes met mine. The disappointment was clear as day. I'd never imgained the eyes that had been my home for so long could look at me in such a way.

"You lied."

I couldn't argue against him.

"Have you lost your mind?" He wasn't loud or angry. He was crushed. "Tell me this isn't true, Olivia. Tell me you didn't lie about being raped so you could justify cheating on me."

"I had to see you, I need to–"

"No!" Elliot pointed a finger at me, letting his anger show. "Listen to yourself. Look at what you are doing here. You're a special victims detective. You have betrayed everything you stand for." The look he gave me was full of disgust. "You've gone too far."

"You wouldn't talk to me!" I yelled back, ready to shout out the desperation I was feeling. "You've just been ignoring me for four weeks! I had to do something to get you to talk to me."

"Oh so I made you do this?!" He shook his head. "I'm sorry to break it to you, but this is your fault. All of it. You ruined us."

Tears burned in my eyes because he was so close in front of me and I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I knew I couldn't. He might as well have been miles away.

And he was right.

"I would have left my wife for you." He whispered and I could finally see the hurt in his face, the hurt I had caused him. "The mother of my kids, I would have left my job for you..." He swallowed and loked at me with an open, pained expression. "And you threw it all away."

"You don't know what Kathy did." I whispered back. "It wasn't like that."

"Are you seriously dragging Kathy into this?!" He snapped, the anger returned fully.

"Elliot, listen to me. She–"

"No!" He backed away from me, to the closed door. "Don't you get it?! I can't talk to you, I can't even look at you, it makes me sick!" Each of his words was like a punch to the face, because I knew how true they were from his point of view. "I loved you Olivia and you used that against me. You turned out to be a manipulative liar. Look at what you did tonight." He shook his head. "You won't take responsibility for your actions, you're drunk and you act selfishly disregarding everyone else's feelings just because you want something." He reached for the door handle. The same door handle where our hands had met and this whole mess had started. "You're just like your mother."

A silence like I had never known before stretched out between us.

It was a earth shattering silence, heavy with the hurt and rage between us. Heavy with all the misunderstandings and unspoken words. Heavy with the truth, because despite the things he didn't know, Elliot was spot on.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I'm sorry for all of it."

He swallowed and wouldn't meet my eyes. "Sorry isn't going to cut it. Whatever we had it's gone. There's no way back."

Those were the last words he spoke to me, before he finally opened the door, leaving me behind in the same apartment where we had made love countless times.

He left me alone in that heavy silence while he drove home to his wife and kids. I knew in that moment that no matter how my life continued a part of me would always be standing here in this apartment, staring at the closed door, watching as the love of my life walked out of my life forever.

"Olivia I'm so sorry."

She was shaking again, Her clothes were long dry by now and the fire had almost burned down. Physically she was as warm as she could be, but there was an emotional coldness that had settled deep inside of her.

"I knew then that it didn't matter, none of it mattered anymore." She was almost smiling, but it looked broken. "I was ready to kill myself."

"Olivia." Dr Huang whispered shocked to hear her say these words so clearly, so openly.

"He was right about my mother. She was terrible and I turned into her."

"No he wasn't right, he didn't know the truth." He wanted to circle back to her suicidal thoughts and understand how much danger she was in at the moment. "Did you harm yourself that night? Did you try to end your life?"

"I didn't have to." She muttered. "Someone else came by and did it for me." She looked up at the psychiatrist. The cold dead look in her eyes scared him. "He came into my apartment that night and he killed me."

Hi everyone, thank you so much for following this story, for reviewing. What do you think? Also the line "single most important person in your life" is from Olivia in Season 23.